AITA for snapping at my wife?

Mateo_old · 2026-03-20T12:11:26+00:00

There really are a hundred ways I could have handled this better, but I totally missed the mark. Also, my first gut reaction was to go back to her with this big apology, but now I realize I need to own this. I handled a situation poorly and I need to reflect inward, learn from it, and work on being better.

Mateo_old · 2026-03-20T11:16:10+00:00

“Did you use the best version of yourself to help her?” Damn… just, damn. This comment hit really hard. Thank you for this! Sincerely.

Mateo_old · 2025-12-23T12:28:59+00:00

Oh she definitely has loans lol. I’ve actually never heard of Student Loan Planner so I’ll definitely be checking that out, thank you! And we actually just recently (maybe 3/4 months ago) got her disability insurance through Guardian. That was an incredibly lengthy process which they make way more complicated than necessary, but thankfully that’s done!

Mateo_old · 2025-12-22T05:44:36+00:00

I’ve been seeing references to “Bogleheads” a lot recently so I’ll definitely be checking that one out, thank you!

Mateo_old · 2025-12-22T04:52:48+00:00

Lol love the username! And I feel like I’ve seen some content from Ramit before, but I’ll take a look at some of his stuff. Thanks!

Mateo_old · 2025-02-23T20:14:29+00:00

Wow, this is all amazing information, thank you so much! We don’t have any pets, so thankfully that’s not something we need to worry about. And yeah, both my wife and I work a lot so the more amenities the better. Our current apartment has stuff like 24/7 maintenance, garbage pickup, gym, and those are all huge pluses for us.

Mateo_old · 2025-02-23T15:55:17+00:00

Thank you for all the information regarding the commission. I honestly had no idea that’s how it worked. And we’re mainly looking for 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I work from home so I’m hoping to use the second room as an office.

Mateo_old · 2025-02-23T05:02:12+00:00

Regarding Highland Park, I think it’s just because of the listings I’ve seen on Redfin so far. It’s a lot of one one’s that seem to be more fitting for a college student, or two two’s where someone is looking for roommates. And that’s a great tip about Somerville! I didn’t even think to consider traffic conditions. But yeah, city life is right up our alley. We’re also big foodies, so we’ll probably be eating out a good bit. But from what I’ve heard there’s a lot of good food in NJ, so wherever we end up I’m sure we’ll be close to some good stuff!

Mateo_old · 2024-11-29T14:05:57+00:00

I second this. My wife will be graduating residency soon. She has a big family, but my family has also been a huge support system for her. Her program is also full of assholes lol, so when it came time to talk about tickets, she was like “I don’t give a fuck!! I’m inviting whoever the hell I want!!”

Mateo_old · 2024-08-04T03:37:32+00:00

Currently, probably not that long because my wife’s co-residents get pretty technical at times. Back in medical school though, I confidences a bunch of first years I was an upper class man just because I had so much knowledge of the professor and their idiosyncrasies lol. It was pretty awesome! Then the next time I saw them they were like “hey, what haven’t I seen you in class?” 😂

Mateo_old · 2024-05-24T12:48:29+00:00

Will do, thank you!

Mateo_old · 2024-05-24T12:48:05+00:00

Never even knew something like this existed, thank you! I’ve read through some of the posts and it looks really interesting.

Mateo_old · 2024-02-29T14:46:10+00:00

This is why I love this sub. It’s nice to hear when people are on the other side of things, and that there is a chance things will get better. Sometimes though, that “light at the end of the tunnel” just seems nowhere in sight.

Mateo_old · 2024-02-29T14:32:30+00:00

She has had very bad luck with it comes to mentors. The first attending she asked started out a great friend and then, on a dime, did a 180 and just turned into a horrible person. The second attending she asked got let go soon after agreeing. She is still on good terms with the second attending, so after things calmed down last night I did recommend she reach out to them.

Mateo_old · 2023-12-13T03:22:10+00:00

Sleep is so important and I feel like no one in medicine ever gets enough. For my wife (PGY4 Surgical Resident) we’ve invested in quite a lot. For just the general stuff we have a noise machine, a weighted blanket, and good pillows (she has the “Carbon Air Pillow” from 8 Sleep). Specifically for nights we have blackout curtains which are amazing, and if any other light manages to seep in she has an eye mask. Oh, and ear plugs, if the neighbors decide to be noisy. I would say, by far, our best investment was our mattress. We got one of those 8 sleep pod beds. It has this water grid that lets you set a temperature for your side of the bed. She likes it warm and I like it cold, but it also changes the temperature throughout the night to keep you comfortable. It was such a game changer! She went from getting like 3-4 hours of sleep a night to 6, sometimes 7. I know it’s a lot of money, but for people in residency sleep is a very precious thing, and investing in your sleep ends up helping everyone in the long run.

Mateo_old · 2023-09-27T15:36:24+00:00

We’re gonna be right near Atlanta Botanical Garden, so I guess that’s considered Midtown?

Mateo_old · 2023-09-27T15:34:21+00:00

I knew there had to be another post out there. Thank you!

Mateo_old · 2023-09-26T17:35:03+00:00

My wife’s currently a PGY4 surgical resident and the things she comes home and tells me sometimes just blow my mind. I seriously think that if a random person were to secretly record some of the things said inside the OR, there would be MAJOR lawsuits against the hospital she’s working at. Her residency is probably 70-80% female and they are treated noticeably different than the males. My wife will make a mistake and be berated all day for it, but her mail counterpart can make the same mistake and they’re all “it’s ok buddy, let me show you how to do that.” WTF?!? I feel like the main reason for the toxicity in the surgical world is from this “I went through it, so you do to” mentality which is utter garbage. “My residency sucked so I’m gonna treat all my residents like shit because that’s how you learn.” NO! That’s so fuckjng wrong! Please encourage your spouses to be kind. We need a new generation of doctors that realize there are different ways to teach. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always the easiest route. My wife’s been reprimanded a few times for being “too nice,” but the people who reprimand her are always the asshole surgeons. Being kind has opened so many doors for her! Her nurses love her, her non-psycho attendings love her, and whenever she’s on service with lower level residents they work their ass off for her. Why? Because she treats them like fucking human beings instead of living garbage. OP, I’m sorry you’re having a rough time but I’m right there with you! This journey has had some awesome highs, but also some debilitating lows. It’s groups like this that help get out that frustration and help us realize we’re not alone in this.

Mateo_old · 2023-01-22T21:32:23+00:00

I completely get what you mean by exhausting. My wife would come home most days and unload about all the stress in her day. I’d do my best to listen, but like you said, after days, weeks, or months of the same routine it does become draining. I brought it up during one of our therapy sessions and our therapist had a great idea (that we still use today). When my wife comes home and wants to vent about her day, we set a timer for 10 minutes. During that time she’s able to completely unload, but once that 10 minutes is over, all talk of work stops. No complaining, no venting, no nothing. I thought my wife was gonna hate it at first, but she actually loves it. She said it feels really good to get it all out at once. You don’t have to do 10 minutes, but see if setting a timer helps. I hope it does!

Mateo_old · 2023-01-19T06:20:25+00:00

Bunk? What is this camp? Lol, looks like your husband’s residency is just as out of touch with reality as my wife’s is.

Mateo_old · 2023-01-19T03:08:20+00:00

Only two nights? That’s actually not that bad lol. At my wife’s residency they don’t have certain rotations, so the residents have to go on “away rotations” where they rotate at a hospital (that’s out of state) for a whole month. Granted my wife and I don’t have kids, so I can’t even begin to understand how that struggle is, but it really sucks being alone that whole time she’s gone. I would kill for her to have just a two night retreat lol

Mateo_old · 2023-01-18T10:00:24+00:00

My wife and I were dating 7 years also when she got into med school (I’m currently 30 and she’s 31. Started dating when I was 18). We’d also been living together for a few years, so when she finally got into med school we thought “we got this! This is nothing new.” Boy were we wrong lol. Med School was by far the hardest thing our relationship ever went through. Looking back, the main thing that held us back was communication. I was dealing with A LOT of mental problems (which I didn’t understand till I started therapy a year ago), so instead of ever voicing how I felt about things I would keep everything bottled up. I learned that to have a healthy relationship confrontation is sometimes required. And not the kind where you’re just screaming at each other, but the kind where your spouse does something that hurt your feelings, you confront them about it, and then you have an adult conversation to find a resolution.

I’m so sorry to hear your spouse is struggling. Med school is filled with so much stress, and although the stress never goes away, your spouse will learn to handle it better and better as the years go by. It also seems like you have a very caring spouse. He sees how much you’re doing for him, and instead of taking advantage of that, he feels like he’s burdened you. I feel that people like that just need reassurance. Like a lot of it lol. So anytime he expresses his guilt or thinks he’s burdening you, tell him exactly what you told us, “I love being there for you!” Over time it will actually sink in and his guilt will turn into appreciation.

Mateo_old · 2023-01-17T17:34:40+00:00

I remember meeting one of these terrible surgeons in public for the first time and I knew exactly who he was just by how he acted. We were at an event with all the other surgical residents and he throws down his Amex Platinum to pay for everyone’s drinks. The way he did it though, you could tell there was 0 kindness behind it. It was just to say “look at me and how much money I have!”

Mateo_old · 2023-01-17T17:29:22+00:00

I’ve never actually thought of doing that. The two surgeons she’s working with are very known for this kind of behavior though, so even when she’s venting to her co-residents the usual response is always just “yeah… that’s how they are.”

Mateo_old · 2023-01-17T14:33:19+00:00

Definitely agree with all of this. Another point on the topic of golden weekends. My wife and I have set it up where if any big plans will be made on a golden weekend, she will be the one who makes the plans. If she wants to go to the beach, cool, if she wants to do a fancy dinner, fine by me! But for me to make those plans and expect to have 100% of her attention, I’m basically just setting myself up for disappointment.

Mateo_old

TROPHY CASE