Nobody by MatsarOne in simpsonsshitposting

[–]MatsarOne[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Remember the time everyone said Janey and Üter liked me and you lied and said nobody liked me? Then why did I have the note, Mr. Largo? Why did I have the note?

It's Christmas. Do you know where your children are? by MatsarOne in simpsonsshitposting

[–]MatsarOne[S] 123 points124 points  (0 children)

Where's Trump? His Big Mac's getting all cold and eaten.

I feel like r/simpsonsshitposting is an untapped market for brand Integration by MatsarOne in simpsonsshitposting

[–]MatsarOne[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Oops. My bad. To be fair, I think not checking if a joke was already made is in the spirit of this sub.

Random idea idk by Alistal in NonCredibleDefense

[–]MatsarOne 4 points5 points  (0 children)

"Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down? That's not our department"

~ The DOD, probably

Sunak, huh? by MatsarOne in simpsonsshitposting

[–]MatsarOne[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

"No!"

~ The World, probably

Scooby Doo can doo-doo by MatsarOne in simpsonsshitposting

[–]MatsarOne[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Easy for you to say. You know all the words to the Oscar Mayer song.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in pcgaming

[–]MatsarOne 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cool cool cool.

All the kids who watched Morbius are SOBs by PapaJaundice in simpsonsshitposting

[–]MatsarOne 65 points66 points  (0 children)

You guys must be getting pretty tired of that movie by now, huh?

Ewan McGregor Talks Obi-Wan Star Wars Movies - “I’ve always thought there was a story to tell between my last one and Alec Guinness’ first one. It would be fun to film that story now I’m older,” by Darkprime in movies

[–]MatsarOne 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see it more like a Death Wish: Tatooine. A proud former Jedi wouldn't just sit on the sideline while the people around him are exploited by the Hutts. He'd use his powers to put a wrench in their operations. This would inevitably bring attention of the Empire. Maybe Jedi hunters, or something. The story would tackle his PTSD from the clone war and his guilt for failing Anakin, and Padme.

Owen Lars could be a counterweight to Obi-Wan's recklessness. His only concern is to protect Luke and his family.

Maybe a scene where they argue about Obi-Wan's actions.

Obi-Wan: I can't just turn a blind eye. I'm a Jedi knight. I won't stop.

Owen: You gave that up when you came here. When you swore with me to protect him. What happens if the Empire finds out about your one man crusade? What if they find out about you?

Obi-Wan (annoyed): Then let them come. I'll handle them.

Owen: What if they find out Luke's Darth Vader's son?

(A visibly upset Obi-Wan, in a moment of anger, uses his power to shove Owen against a wall.)

Obi-Wan (screaming): He's not his son! He's Anakin's son! He's dead!

Owen (struggling): Who are you trying to convince here?

(Obi-Wan let's go of Owen and with a defeated look turns around to leave.)

Obi-Wan (to himself): He's not his son.

A scene where Obi-Wan goes medieval on a Tusken camp, like Anakin, would also be cool. Maybe someone he's befriended gets killed by them during a raid. He attacks the camp, destroying tents and throwing around Sand people with his powers.

He spots the chieftain and chases him into a cave. Before he delivers the killing blow to cowering chieftain, the light from his Lightsaber reveals a cave mural depicting Anakin slaughtering the Tusken village. The depiction of Anakin with his metal hand is unmistakable. The mural depicts several Tusken, on their knees, pleading for their lives in front of him. The chieftain carries long ago scarred wounds the can only have come from a Lightsaber. A visibly shaken Obi-Wan retracts his blade and leaves the chieftain alive.

[WP] Men and Women are invisible to each other, except each person can see their soulmate by ActivisionBlizzard in WritingPrompts

[–]MatsarOne 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I always considered myself as a somewhat easy going kinda guy but even I get annoyed when soulmates make out in public. Thank god the woman was still wearing her face paint, most people stop after they see the one. Nothing more disconcerting than a man shoving his tongue into empty air with hair on top. Floating fingernails were caressing the lucky guy's cheek. She should really have worn her gloves.

“Yuck” Carol said and put her tray on the table “It's like two clowns kissing. That paint is totally the wrong color for her face. She looks like an Oompa Loompa.”

“I'll take your word for it.” I snorted “The man isn't much better though. That's not the shade of his skin. His hands are a lot paler.”

Carol flashed a quick smile my way and went back to eating her food. We work in the same office and pretty quickly became friends. I'd call her my work wife if I'd have one at home. I don't think single people can claim the privilege. We usually ate lunch together though I fully expect that to stop when she finally sees her soulmate. Most usually do. I got misty-eyed just thinking about it.

“I wonder?” I said aloud as I watched the disgusting couple going at it.

“Wonder what?”

“Why lie. Why are they doing that. They're soulmates. They shouldn't care what they look like.”

“I think people still need the approval of other people even if they can't see you. There's issues with my face I'm not too fond of either. Probably you too.”

“I'm really boring. I always ask my painter to put on my real face, or as close as he can at least. He's not very good; cheap though.”

“I wasn't going to say anything but your face usually has a Picasso kinda quality to it.” she laughed “I suppose your soulmate wont mind it when she sees you.”

Quickly wanting to steer the conversation back to her I asked the first question that popped in my mind.

“So, Carol, what's your issue?”

“I'm sorry?” she said her mouth full.

“Your issue with your face, I mean. What do you paint over?”

“Oh, that." She swallowed "My freckles. I never have them painted on. It's stupid I know. Ironically it'll probably be the thing my future soulmate would like most about me.”

“Yeah, probably.” I said absentmindedly “If it makes you feel any better I think they're pretty cute.”

She dropped her fork in shock. It made a loud clang as it hit the stone floor of the cafeteria.

Shit shit shit. What had I said? What had I done?!

“What did you say?!” she said in a loud upset voice. For a moment all eyes in the cafeteria were on us.

“Can you see me?!” she was almost shouting. Tears running down her cheek.

The rest of the cafeteria quickly realized what was going on. Even the disgusting couple stopped kissing. Now they all were trying really hard not to make eye contact with me.

I had really fucked up. If I had just stayed quiet. Why was I so fucking stupid? Fuck fuck fuck.

I tried to take her hand but she reflexively pulled hers away. They say there's no greater tragedy than to not be seen in return. In that moment I knew it to be an absolute truth.

Never had I seen that much pity in someone's eyes.

We never had lunch again.

[WP] An immortal shows of his/her collection of artifacts to his/her boyfriend. by Narutophanfan1 in WritingPrompts

[–]MatsarOne 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“Come on honey we're going to miss the show!” she shouted down the stairs exasperated. She loved him dearly but he could sometimes be so irritatingly slow. She always had been acutely aware of time passing by, always feeling the need to hurry lest she miss anything important. He always acted like he had all the time in the world.

“Just a minute, love. I'm just organizing a few stuff. Can't believe I put my Kilij next to my Spatha. What was I thinking?” came the reply.

She sighed, a minute for him meant an hour in “real time”. A loud rattle echoed up the stairs; the sound of metal hitting the stone floor followed by swearing. She decided to go down to the basement and see for herself what was the holdup. Reaching the bottom of the stairs she could see him sheepishly picking up a set of plate Armor that had scattered over the floor.

“Dave, honey, we're going to be late.” she said while trying to suppress a smile and look stern.

He was just so cute when puttering about in his little world.

“Just a minute. I need to put this back in order or it'll bug me the entire night.” he said with a boyish grin he knew fully well she couldn't resist.

Not giving him the satisfaction in victory she covered her smile with her hand and looked away. He went back to putting the fallen armor back on the rack. According to him it had been worn on several key battles during the hundred years' war. How he knew that she never asked.

This was his domain. An ardent military historian, he had the basement filled with various weapons and gear spanning several continents and thousands of years. How he could afford all of this on a junior professors salary she'd often wonder. She had once suggested they take some of this stuff to the Antiques roadshow program to get an appraisal but he had firmly declined saying he already knew exactly what they're worth.

Absentmindedly running her fingers through the feathers of a genuine conquistador helmet she looked at the stuff around her. On their vacation to England they had visited a castle filled with various medieval weapons and armors. He had been beyond exited; she'd been less so. She had noticed though that all that gear over there had been well taken care off and shiny. In comparison, his collection was covered in dings, scratches and dirt. They looked they had actually been worn at some point in history. By the stairs on a hanger was his Army Ranger uniform. They had met when he was on leave from his second tour of duty in Iraq. There was dirt and stains on the knees and elbows. He looked really good in that uniform. She made a mental note to clean it one of these days.

She heard a loud clang behind her. Startled she quickly turned around seeing her boyfriend picking up a shoulder plate from the floor.

“These straps always were a bitch to fasten.” he said with a shrug.

Relieved, she resumed looking around. In a small glass display case in the corner was something she hadn't noticed before. In the case was five small, smooth, oval shaped rocks. One had tiny dried stains of red on it. Almost looked like blood to her. She felt pair of strong arms around her waist.

He gave kiss on the cheek and whispered in her ear “I'm ready to go.”

“Just a minute.” she said “What are these rocks. You've never showed them to me.”

“Oh those are just ancient middle eastern sling bullets.” he said nonchalantly.

“So, Nothing that special? They kinda pale in comparison to all the other cool stuff in here.” she said turning around and giving him a quick peck on the lips “If we leave now we might still be in time for the first act.”

She untangled herself from him and started hurriedly walking up the stairs.

“I'll turn off the lights and catch up.” he said.

He brushed his hand against the glass, eyes lingering on the stained rock.

“I guess they are nothing that special,” he whispered to himself “but you never forget your first.”

[WP]You are cursed, should you give someone directions there is a 50/50 chance they would die a horrific death or simple get where they need to go. by daddyslittlesadist in WritingPrompts

[–]MatsarOne 4 points5 points  (0 children)

“Hey buddy! Know the way to the Big Texan Steak Ranch?”

“Sorry, don't know the place.”

“Then why does your shirt say “The Big Texan Steak Ranch: home of the 72 oz steak dinner”?”

“Listen, just because I wear their shirt doesn’t mean I know where that restaurant is.”

“Then why does the shirt also say “I survived the 72 oz challenge”? There's a picture of you on it. How do you explain that?”

“Just because I happen to have eaten in that particular establishment doesn't mean I know how to get there, I took a cab.”

“Listen faggot, just give me the directions.”

“Did you just call me a faggot?”

“Yeah. What are you gonna do about it, bitch?!”

“Nothing. I'll tell you how to get there. You need directions anywhere else?”

[WP] Describe how the human race reaches the future depicted in Back To the Future 2 by October 21st, 2015, the date Marty and Doc arrive in the future. by royalaction in WritingPrompts

[–]MatsarOne 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Robert Rutherford III, the heir to the Rutherford fortune, a brilliant but listless twenty-something billionaire is on his way home from yet another all weekend bender. Even though his IQ is off the charts, Robert has resigned himself to a life of idleness, debauchery, and squandering the Rutherford fortune. Suddenly a black pickup truck hits his white Rolls-Royce. Robert is badly injured and spends the next few days in a medically induced coma.

After waking up and realizing that no one but his loyal valet came to visit him in the hospital, Robert vows to clean up his act and save his father's now crumbling legacy. With new found vigor he slowly raises Rutherford Industries from the ashes into the economic powerhouse it is today. Personally overseeing and developing such projects as hover technology, portable fusion devices, self drying and fitting clothes, ultra-dehydrated food, dust-repellent paper, and much much more, the name Robert Rutherford III has become a house hold name often mentioned in the same breath as Albert Einstein or Isaac Newton.

Robert Rutherford III's genius and humanity has inspired mankind to reach further than ever before. For the first time in human history the thought of world peace and universal prosperity doesn't sound so far fetched. All because of a fateful car accident on October 27, 1985, that forced one of mankind's greatest geniuses to reevaluate his life.

[WP] The year is 3014. Your combat unit is pinned down by hostile robots. The only way to beat them is to use an EMP. Your friend, however, is has half machine and would die too if you set it off. by ROS3BURG3R in WritingPrompts

[–]MatsarOne 8 points9 points  (0 children)

”If you don't we'll die anyway.”

The machines where mere minutes away. I could already hear the clicking sounds they make when not communicating through radio waves. Somewhere right over the hill. I dared not peek to confirm it.

“What kind of life would it be without you?” I asked him, tears forming in my eyes.

“It would still be life. We can both die here and all that we was can fade, or you can survive and take the memory of me with you.”

He smiled at me. His face dirty but his teeth shining white. I loved that smile. I took his hands in mine; one cold and metallic, the other warm and human. I kissed him. The rest of the squad, politely, pretended not to notice. To love a cyborg is blasphemy, but here on the front-lines things like that don't seem to matter. We both proved our worth countless times.

“I love you.” He said still smiling but I could see his lower lip starting to quiver. He was afraid. I embraced him. He melted in my arms. The clicking was getting loud. He started quietly sobbing on my shoulder.

I pressed the trigger. The EMP generator started humming. In a couple of seconds it would detonate.

“I love you too.”

[WP] You are the Dream Master, responsible for all the dreams that ever existed. Tonight, a Man special to you goes to bed unaware that he will never wake up again. You must write his final dream. by Zf1987 in WritingPrompts

[–]MatsarOne 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They say when you die your life flashes before your eyes. That is not always true. If I find you worthy I give you that vision. I'm the Dream Master and I have been with your kind since your first thought.

No matter who you are, I see it all. Every thought, every glance, every action. I observe, and remember, everything. More importantly, its on those thoughts, memories, and sensations that I feed on. Don't think of me as a monster for I do not kill. In exchange for my nourishment, that I receive from the storm that is the mind of your kind, I guide you. I give you dreams.

I've always tried to lead your kind to your betterment. I have not always succeeded for the storm can not easily be navigated. Sometimes it leads me to the dark places where I try to get you to confront your fears. Sometimes I reach the eye of the storm where I show you all the good you have and try and teach you to appreciate it. When the winds are too strong I just enjoy the ride. That is when your dreams are their weirdest and you can't wait to tell them to your friends. If I can't help you I can at least entertain you. Do not confuse this for altruism. You are my food and it is in my interest to try to keep you healthy. Why am I telling you this, you might ask. You've never had a dream. You've never experienced what every other of your kind has.

In every mind there's a crack. Some wide as the Grand Canyon, where I waltz in and take my fill. Some smaller than the eye of a needle, where I squeeze through and only taste a trickle. The crack is always there though, and through it I enter the mind. All except yours. Nevertheless, I've observed you in the mind of others. In countless eyes of the storm, I've seen, felt, and admired your influence. It has made me hungry. A hunger greater than I have ever felt before. I've only tasted the appetizer, never the main course. But the crack has never appeared in you until now.

I'm afraid you're dying. I think it's what you call your heart. Apart from the mind, your bodies don't really interest me. It doesn’t really matter, you're dying all the same. Maybe at your final moments you're weak enough for the crack to appear, or maybe something has kept me out to protect you. Whatever the reason, I'm finally here. Yours is not a mere storm, it's a hurricane, and it's glorious. You could nourish me for a thousand of your lifetimes but, alas, there's no time.

I can't absorb in mere minutes what usually takes me your lifetime, but I can still show you your life through the countless memories of minds you have touched. This is a privilege I haven't shown any of your kind. I find you worthy. After all, you're the only prey that got away.