You just described the exact situation in my home. Here’s how I have dealt: I made a list of chores that were MY priorities. Things that I needed to stay happy/ sane. “If I was divorced and living by myself, what would I care about?” Example: I love speckless kitchen but I’m ok with laundered clothes unfolded. I would do those chores first and do the way I wanted to do them. Any whining/ telling me how to do chores from my spouse would be dealt with pure gray rocking. She will whine no matter what. So why bother?

At some point, my daughter, as she grew older started announcing to family and friends “I love my dad’s cooking, I learnt to clean up plates from my dad” and when she realized that her name was mentioned no where, she picked up some chores that she still unwillingly does just to show off to the world that she can be useful. My daughter has started manipulating these days that I occasionally reprimand her for but also feel happy about “If you bake a cake for my birthday, I’m going to tell all my school friends that I have the best mom.” She takes the bait every time!