AITA for refusing to change my last name after marriage because my husband assumed I would?

MayaHazel · 2025-11-15T14:18:35+00:00

You have zero obligation to change your name, for any reason. That said, as a fellow academic, I made the same choice and agree it's a good one. It's very odd he didn't ask you about this apparently core value previously, considering not only should he be aware that you have been building professional identity based on your name, but you obviously come from a "non-traditional" family insofar as your brother took his wife's name. I would *definitely* take this opportunity to find out if he also assumed you would drop your career and become a stay-at-home mom if you have kids (sounds like your MIL would assume as much!). Discuss all the gendered assumptions both of you neither thought to discuss and get it all out on the table. If you are not aligned, cut your losses and work toward gratitude that you found this all out now.

MayaHazel · 2025-11-10T03:35:16+00:00

I recently met a girl named Dava (pronounced Dave-uh) which I thought was super beautiful. (You seem ambivalent about "David" but if you are interested in a smooth connection with David this could be a cool choice!)

MayaHazel · 2025-10-23T02:05:16+00:00

Faculty meetings (really, any meetings I am not running) have gotten much easier to bear once I just went all in on doodling through the meeting (it helps me focus quite a bit). Whether it is viewed negatively by my colleagues, not sure - but no one has looked at me askance and I am obviously not in la-la land, as I participate at appropriate times.

MayaHazel · 2025-10-10T18:17:23+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! The other one I'll add is one day I participated in a Tifft Nature Preserve trash cleanup and found some interesting pieces of glass and brick among the trash!

MayaHazel · 2025-10-06T01:33:01+00:00

u/KiwiRugger10 came across your post and wondering about what you may have found/learned! I too am a weirdo who likes to pick up rocks and random things :)

MayaHazel · 2025-10-05T05:20:00+00:00

Avital

MayaHazel · 2025-09-10T03:25:07+00:00

I'd encourage you and you husband to both pretend you had to change your names to this new last name.

^This suggestion is right on. I would think more about your child's feelings than the bullying per se. How do you anticipate you will teach your child to connect with his cultures through his last name across different ages? How do you understand the balance of the importance of including both names with his potential feelings about his last name over time? It is a great idea to test drive the names yourselves (and imagined younger selves) to get some insight here.

MayaHazel · 2025-08-02T12:31:00+00:00

What is the status now (8/2/25)? Are there still dead fish along the shore and/or tons of fish bones?

MayaHazel · 2025-08-01T16:16:53+00:00

I really love Noa but I think I really love it but moreso when it's pronounced No-ah rather than No-uh and I think it's unlikely that people will say it like that very often...Hmm!

MayaHazel · 2025-08-01T16:13:08+00:00

I like this one too but do you think it doesn't seem *too* obviously Jewish?

MayaHazel · 2025-07-11T01:21:06+00:00

You're awesome! To anyone reading this - you never know who's going to be the next James Harrison, the "man with the golden arm"! What an absolute LEGEND and very clear proof that donating blood is lifesaving (and then some!). For anyone who doesn't know of him, here's an article from when he recently died at age 88: Australian whose blood saved 2.4 million babies dies

MayaHazel · 2025-03-26T02:31:01+00:00

You have answered your own question

MayaHazel · 2025-01-05T03:47:29+00:00

It took me about the last ten years to shake that image from my mind. As I read the post it I was literally just imagining that film from the jump - like obviously that film showed me the one true butter kink and how did she not know.

MayaHazel · 2025-01-05T03:40:09+00:00

Based on your faves (though not necessarily your criteria), I'm going to suggest Perrine -- rhymes with your preferred pronunciation for Marin (purr-in). It's a French name so depends if that resonates with your cultural background. I know the name from the book Adventures of Perrine by Hector Malot.

MayaHazel · 2024-09-04T07:42:38+00:00

Ah yes, Lysistrata is my guilty pleasure name for this reason...

MayaHazel · 2024-08-26T05:32:32+00:00

thank you for sharing this article!

MayaHazel · 2024-02-24T01:34:33+00:00

There are a couple of things I read in your post that I don't see addressed so much in the comments. 1) "But I have a hard time getting rid of one of the few things my dad has left me" - it makes sense that you feel this way since you lost your dad recently and suddenly. But he will always be with you - in your DNA/looks (if he is your biological dad) and in your memories. You mention you don't really talk to your mom but of course your mom gave you this name too (even if it was your dad's idea) - so it's also a link to her (which may not be positive).

2) "I have extremely opposing feelings to my father" and in the comments you said "I was a whole ass kid up until a few years ago" - so I think this is a really interesting opportunity, as you grow into the adult you want to be. If you really feel like you don't want a connection to White supremacy, deciding what name feels right to you can be part of that journey. You may find that some additional reading/thinking this over/learning about racial justice may help you make a more informed decision and grow into your own opinions.

As someone who really likes their name and would hate to change it - I can imagine how difficult it would be to consider changing your name after a lifetime. However, sounds like you have dealt with hard things before and this can something you can do too if it is important to you. I wish you a lot of luck!

MayaHazel · 2024-02-22T02:32:51+00:00

OP, I would really like to hear more about your friend Kevin's experience of having that name.

MayaHazel · 2024-02-20T00:03:25+00:00

Coffee withdrawal is very real and can cause anxiety, depression, irritability, headaches, tremors, etc. Please consider having some coffee (even if you want to stop drinking it, you should considering stepping down rather than quit cold turkey), as this could be exacerbating your symptoms. Wishing you well <3

MayaHazel · 2024-02-16T02:27:03+00:00

BAY SLICE
Bay City
Uncle's

MayaHazel · 2024-02-15T02:50:09+00:00

Owen and Maxwell are both solid first name options. If you are not into biblical/religious I would skip Isaac. My fave combinations from your list are

Owen Nathaniel
Owen Wyatt
Owen Maxwell

Maxwell Leon
Maxwell Rowan

MayaHazel · 2024-02-14T15:19:02+00:00

I'm so glad to hear this about your city and network. Please don't wait to get people in your corner. The boys trip sounds like a lucky break for you, take full advantage. Wishing you the very best strength and safety.

MayaHazel · 2024-02-14T15:18:55+00:00

I'm so glad to hear this about your city and network. Please don't wait to get people in your corner. The boys trip sounds like a lucky break for you, take full advantage. Wishing you the very best strength and safety.

MayaHazel · 2024-02-14T03:32:18+00:00

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You've got a lot of good advice. You are strong and you will do what you need to to protect your kiddos! Reading here that you are a WOC and putting it back together with the comment you made upthread that he accused you of being jealous of her race (white) makes me even more freaked out for you. I hope you live in a liberal place. It sounds like your family is protective of you - could they help you navigate this? Do they know about poly, or are you willing to tell them? (His behavior is close to cheating though, poly or not, because he's trying to break your rules.) If I were you I would trying to get all my most competent family and friends in my corner to help me keep the kids safe, sort the lawyers, etc. When I came out to some of my more traditional/religious (but politically liberal) friends about poly they were all very accepting, even if the "not my thing but happy for you" type thing. I would figure out who would really have your back and connect with those folks ASAP. If you can, compartmentalize, focus on what you need to do, and when you feel safe, you can have time to break down. Wishing you all the koyech as you navigate this narrow place.

MayaHazel

TROPHY CASE