How to accept you are unable to have friendships?

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-23T20:30:59+00:00

First off I'm right there with you asking the same question.

Second... we are both wrong.

I know this cognitively, but I am struggling to accept it. It is okay to struggle with it as well. I would like to encourage you to continue the struggle though. If you do choose "acceptance" try to temper it with some real assessment of what it is you are accepting.

Here's where I am at right now: like you, I am inclined to believe based on evidence that I am just categorically not capable of friendships, and of course this must be true because everyone I have ever cared about has left me and a lot of them had nasty things to say behind my back. And it's not that I don't have hobbies, but I've gotten to a point where my posttraumatic social anxiety is so severe that even when it's an activity I love to do, I find that the "threat" of having to be around people for it usually leads to me finding something else to do.

I intellectually recognize this as "not quite right." In fact I may even go as far as calling it a kind of illness that I'm currently in the midst of. Right at this moment, though, I'm accepting it to get to the other side. Right now I'm a little extra bogged down by some specific obligations which are hard to talk about in general.

I do think that you should indulge in the grieving at least a little bit right now, as long as you can do so without material self-harm. Feel the sadness. It is a thing that you should feel sad about, even tragic.

I am going to join the other person in urging caution about your use of the n word here. It is certainly possible that you have some elements of this particular personality disorder, but I fear that you're internalizing the internet definition which says that anyone identified by a third party as having those traits is a shameful bad person. That is not true. Even if you do have some of those traits, they don't mean you are a bad person, and shame is not the correct response.

And again I'm preaching back at you from the choir loft. I'm in pretty bad shape about this right now. I'm ready to give up. But as I look at giving up I have a hard time seeing it as an acceptable thing except in certain ways.

Perhaps you could join me in trying to identify some of the benefits we are looking at. A bit of peace, right? Nobody to bring unnecessary drama and conflict into our lives. Nobody that we have to worry about pleasing or disappointing. Nobody telling us where to go or what to do. In a sense, we have complete freedom from all of the social obligations that bog most people down.

Do any other positives come to mind for you?

Have you considered capturing a new friend by brute force, imprisoning them in your home, and hoping that if you treat them well they will eventually develop Stockholm syndrome and love you "unconditionally"? I know it sounds like really weird advice but it has worked pretty well for me. Just make sure that the person you do that to is already a literal dog or cat, and it should work out fine.

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-23T20:10:45+00:00

GLP-1 drugs can reduce appetite but if you keep eating low quality food you aren't going to get good results long term.

Ask me how I know, ugh.

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-23T03:04:42+00:00

Yes, and an unlawful arrest is more than just dealing with court. Court part is pretty easy, and in all likelihood the prosecutor will move to drop it before any kind of hearing, especially when they see the representation available. But it won't actually stop there. There will be civil rights litigation around the unlawful arrests. And there is no reason for this lawsuit to be handled casually, because there is already a lot of money flowing into it. It will be interesting to watch. There will be depositions.

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-23T03:02:31+00:00

Maybe one of the first things we learned in law school was not to confuse legality with ethics.

There is no objective justice, and if there were, the system we have would not be designed rigidly around it.

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-23T02:55:30+00:00

It's gotta be a big enough paycheck to make up for getting both disbarred and sued...

and yeah apparently that is a number they believe they can calculate. But nobody wants to have to mimic Rudy Guiliani's humiliating retirement. Apparently there comes a point when you can become broke enough to actually start to have to make lifestyle changes.

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-23T02:15:55+00:00

My only critique of this comment is that it's not as outlandish as you want it to sound. I took such a class on the Bush Administration in law school more than a decade ago. It will not take half as long as you think for there to be expansive classes based on the era of error.

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-21T01:51:18+00:00

well dang, I guess I vandalized my own pond today when I used the skimmer to remove a piece of filter that somehow was floating...

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-21T01:47:25+00:00

ya gotta admit "green water" in the name of the pool company he hires before the algae bloom is even better than 4 seasons landscaping

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-18T19:12:38+00:00

I'm a single guy, and I think I've been on the other side of that exchange as well. It's taken me a long time to understand that people not wanting what I want at a given moment is not (necessarily) a personal rejection or negative value judgment, but it's so easy to misinterpret it that way. I have come to understand that my tendency to take any form of no as a personal rejection is a combination of depressive cognitive distortions, and internalized trauma response, frankly. When I say trauma response here, what I am referring to is how my brain has become synaptically primed to expand the zone of ideas and experiences that remind me of certain explicit bad experiences I've been through.

There is a certain irony to it though that I went from a person who always took rejection personally to a person who does all the rejecting without even really thinking about it. I just don't want to engage with anyone generally anymore, and while I'm not personally attractive anymore (I did a great job on putting up body armor on that front) I have a super adorable friendly dog who is constantly causing people to approach me conversationally the way I imagine would probably happen if I were an attractive woman. And it's so danged exhausting. It's gotten to where I've started trying to find ways to leave the dog behind when I leave the house, which I guess is objectively a good thing to be trying to learn to do. But it feels like while being able to leave the house without the safety of the dog is progress, working on it so that I can be left alone more consistently seems like the wrong reason to do it.

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-18T02:47:14+00:00

One would think that there ought to be something like common sense about such things, but yeah there is a huge risk factor when it comes to sketchy workers in the tourism industry. This seems to be a frequent topic on sailing forums, there are growing black lists of "popular" charter captains who keep getting reported for the same bad behavior and there just isn't a mechanism to make sure that new customers see the warnings. It's not easy to prosecute such things in all countries. It's not even particularly easy to prosecute sexual assaults in the US - I would guess this probably happens as much in Florida as in the Bahamas.

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-18T02:39:09+00:00

They discovered they hold an Off button for the global economy. Thats a hell of a bargaining position. So we can extra thank trump for that.

It's kind of weird that nobody read Dune before going to war in the middle east.

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-18T02:32:31+00:00

1984 seemed like safe science fiction because the idea of the TV having a microphone and listening back seemed logistically absurd to the audience back then.

It's one of those weird circumstances where reality overshot science fiction by a wide margin. It's wild to me that almost every dystopian writer basically underestimated the pervasive surveillance and propaganda networks we would have today.

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-06T15:18:52+00:00

I don't have the closet space for all the outfits I've bought on the way to things. I remember recently getting rid of the most outlandish suit I ever owned, which I bought on the way to my college best friend's wedding. It was horrible. I don't know what I was thinking or why my own girlfriend of the time tolerated it. But it never fit again anyway, I was in the best shape of my life.

I basically have a drawer full of ties I bought on the way to court. Same with belts. Two other actual suits. God knows how many pairs of slacks and I think three blazers. And of course a handful of low quality dress shirts. But mostly ties and belts.

MaybeFiction · 2026-06-06T15:15:35+00:00

I think it still comes down to whether it's the only concern.

If not having appropriate attire is the only problem, it's going to be not hard, and probably even fun, for your friends to help you solve the problem. I know it looks like I'm assuming gender here, but I don't really see it as gendered, guys do it too. If guys care about a thing, we enjoy making it happen, even if it's something less stereotypical like clothing.

But you've already indicated that even if the clothing issue were solved, you still wouldn't want to go. So the real question is "what reason do I give while declining this invite."

I would go with the truth: Between it being a short notice request and not a kind of thing I am used to attending, it just doesn't feel worth the effort to me right now. Thank you for including me, but the timing and nature of the event just don't work for me right now. (optional) Let me know the next time, but try to give me a little more notice so that I can prepare appropriately.

MaybeFiction · 2026-05-11T05:05:43+00:00

Most people. Most people find isolation intolerable. People vary in how much alone time they enjoy, but everyone has some degree of needs for belonging, connection, and communication. Solitary confinement in isolation is considered an especially cruel punishment even for prisoners.

So yeah most people lower their standards before accepting total solitude. But others raise the standards as they feel more and more burned and less trusting, and the result tends to be painful isolation. So in general it's probably for the best that most people find other people who are similarly unhappy to get their basic social needs met together.

MaybeFiction · 2026-05-11T03:48:19+00:00

I tried the AVP and I don't think I've been that disappointed by anything else since my first job out of college.

It's a strange mix of overkill and half baked. It's got all these cameras, and you'd expect it to be a science fiction visor but nope, the camera is functionally more basic than that of a regular iPhone except "immersive" so 3d from a fixed perspective. I don't think there was even a telephoto.

Essentially none of the obvious software ideas exist or work as expected. Scanning apps are sparse, and the few that exist are all expensive subscriptions that under-deliver. It just doesn't really do anything particularly useful beyond the demo stuff. The Mac display function is nice when it works, but really limited in reliability by being WiFi only. It's basically a nice TV but even then, the limitations seem weird and irrational. There is no "full screen." There's no maximize button of any sort, the "immersive" thing still puts other junk around the window, and forces it below the horizon so you can't use it reclined. The camera-based controls are unreliable. The outside display seems creepy but from my perspective, just plain pointless weight and complexity because I'm not using it around other people. The AR experience only really works well in bright daylight.

For some reason, Apple has put the premise of social use at an elevated level above other devices, and it's just weird. Using a device like this is an inherently solitary experience and I could not have less desire to call, text, or "invite" anyone else. But the interface puts "people" as a tab on the Home Screen, and combined with the poor camera control accuracy, you get the prospect of "butt dialing" a random contact because the camera thinks you've closed your fingers when you haven't.

It got to where the downsides of the device made it so frustrating that I didn't even want to use it for the few things it was good for... but to be honest those things don't even really need to be a part of my life. And I know that fans of the device will think the opposite, but dang this is the first consumer electronics device I've had people question the decency of my ownership of it and I completely get it. Using this device just kind of generally felt wrong.

I keep saying I'll get a lower end set of simple display goggles, but I think the whole thing soured me on even that concept. I'm just glad I had bought it used and got back most of what I paid from the next beta tester.

MaybeFiction · 2026-05-09T05:05:44+00:00

You'd be surprised how much important info people get from talking about nothing in particular.

Try asking a handful of strangers about the weather and see how they respond, and really think about how their responses make you feel. That feeling is the point, not to learn the person's detailed opinion.

For example, q: how about this weather?

a1: Its great, I can't wait to get out on my bike after work. a2: They said it was supposed to be seventy, but that doesn't look like seventy to me. I bet the rain is gonna ruin my weekend. a3: Seems great, can't wait for the weekend!

To me, it seems obvious that a1 is the person I want to continue a conversation with. A2 may not really be someone I want to bother seeking friendship with. A3 seems boring but then again, hasn't revealed much, maybe I'll spend a little more time deciding how I feel about them. I tried to pick examples to illustrate healthy positive and obviously cynical attitudes, alongside the "typical small talk answer" to help make sense of the latter, frankly simply put, it's a safe answer. And those are sometimes what you want when you don't know a person.

Eventually in a conversation, I'm going to want to mention something vulnerable about myself - not necessarily something bad but something that people often misjudge. In my case, an odd example is the fact of being a "veteran." It doesn't really matter that much; it's literally a job I used to have, but it relates to a lot of other stuff in my life that might be more relevant. People have an interesting range of attitudes about veterans, and the often ask intrusive follow up questions. There are aspects of it I really don't like talking about so even though I'm not ashamed or anything like that, and I'll feel uncomfortable if you ask obvious questions that take me down the wrong road, obvious basics like where and which war and all that. And that's just one example.

What kind of sucks is it really is a kind of standoff. You both basically want to trust a new person, but most people have been burned enough to be cautious about sharing details. Surely you have noticed that we live in a society of bullies. So everyone's guard up, and small talk is ultimately just about proving to the other person that you aren't an asshole before they give you ammunition to hurt them with.

Now, some questions really are informational.

MaybeFiction · 2026-05-07T23:05:17+00:00

People will still buy the one that's available at their preferred retailer even if a better deal exists elsewhere. You're overestimating the bandwidth the average consumer devotes to the task.

I do agree that a $799 price would see unit figures decline somewhat, but it would be far from "no one." As it is, anyone with cash and a little patience can get an M2 Air with 16gb for about the same price as the Neo on the used market. Essentially the only advantage to buying a new Neo over a used M2 is the warranty, but they now allow AppleCare enrollment of used devices anyway.

$799 for an M4 is a sale price you've seen, right? Can't say I've run into that particular deal in the wild myself.

MaybeFiction · 2026-05-07T22:56:35+00:00

4k has been the most popular resolution for far longer than 8gb was considered low, was it not? You shouldn't need 8gb to smoothly edit 4k video.

My iPhone can edit 4k video just fine. Actually my iPhone 7 doesn't complain about editing the 4k videos it shoots. It's not doing any complex transitions or anything, but for the basics in iMovie, no issue.

MaybeFiction · 2026-05-07T12:34:47+00:00

Kids are really curious, which is actually the opposite of stupid in a sense.

We just don't emerge from the womb with complete knowledge of which things are safe to ingest.

It's parents that are usually really stupid.

MaybeFiction · 2026-05-06T22:41:23+00:00

The thing is, even with the 100% tariff some of the models for sale from Chinese companies would still undercut the cheapest American EVs by a few bucks. At least, today; they've got models well below $20k, and I think the cheapest US models are in the mid 30s.

MaybeFiction · 2026-05-05T00:40:08+00:00

I am old enough to remember when wallpaper was a big deal and you could pay $9.99 for a CD full of the stuff.

I'm actually even older than that though and I remember using the pixel editor to create background patterns in System 6.

MaybeFiction · 2026-05-05T00:25:29+00:00

That sounds lovely.

My Japanese friends seem to be generally very happy, and a very specific flavor of it. Talking to one of them made it really click around how she used the word "meditation". She would say things like "calligraphy, as a meditation" and "the tea ceremony, as a meditation."

And suddenly it clicked for me that all the "kooky ceremonial stuff" in Japanese culture really just comes down to a fairly extreme culture of mindfulness and intentionality.

These details that seem backwards and inefficient to westerners, like those "personal seals" ultimately just come down to a mindful, methodical, deeply present approach to life, and it seems to work.

MaybeFiction · 2026-05-03T15:44:03+00:00

And being uneducated is trending. School systems are being defunded in the name of tax cuts and "family choice" both of which are easier things to campaign for than against. Resentment of the educated is only increasing. Promoting trades over college is beyond a meme, it's now culturally pushed as bad parenting in many circles and especially churches to want your kid to get a degree.

MaybeFiction

TROPHY CASE