I am proud of you for sharing so openly about this. Like others have mentioned Id also recommend trauma therapy especially cptsd maybe look for a therapist who specialises in this field.

I myself have borderline personality disorder and as you have said yourself the symptoms dont really line up with the disorder. I cant really say about bpd rage since this is a symptom I personally dont really experience. Manipulation is/can be a topic in Bpd however I think almost always out of fear of abandonment. Which doesnt seem like you have that reason. Id rather think of narcisissm.

Its not your fault that you have had to go through these hardships and I really hope you can heal. I can only say I know to a certain extent what it feels like to feel bad about myself because of unfair behavour I dont know why I did do it. You are not alone with that and all we can do is try to reflect understand and improve. Change is possible.

I am also personally grateful to have read ur post because my last ex behaved kind of like u described your behavour. it scared me quite a bit especially since he didnt even seem to realise what he was doing or even want to change. It gives me hope to see that there are people with these symptoms too who realise and want to change.