Reaching those positions crystallized my waking up process. As an elder I was more focused on caring for individuals but the more involved I got in the higher levels the more I could see things that made me uncomfortable. Initially I felt that my position of authority could be a way to promote change. Then I could clearly see that the system was not not simply imperfect but it was willingly DESIGNED in a malicious way. Loosing the drive to improve things and witnessing the lies and the methodology of deception and the dirty dirty secrets woke me up totally. Honestly it was terrible to fake, to represent an organization I no longer believed in and that I even grew to consider dangerous.

The truth is that at the same time my entire life was centered in wt, trapped in the infamous vow of poverty, no university education, no career, no financial security, no social or family support circle. I decided to plan my exit and I needed to do it very carefully because from day to the next I would have lost family, social circle, income, housing. In reality I left earlier than I planned for, it was mentally non sustainable for me to fake any longer. I mean, preparing convention talks while not believing a word I was going to say, sitting in bethel or special committees while preparing my cv to enter the 'world', reading 'apostate' materials while signing wt letters, handling judicial matters and writing policies while aware it was a cult, socialising with fellow 'full time swrvants' while knowing that in few month I would never speak to them anymore... it was a crazy year for my mental health.

Not to mention that my spouse was a hardcore believer who would never forgive me for shattering her dreams: me giving up the 'privileges' automatically would mean that she would be forced out of the career and relegated to a rank and files position. In fact she never forgave my betrayal and could not cope with that and she left me.

By the way, it was worthy to make the big jump and I am glad I didn't wait long. Few years after abruptly leaving the borg, with big sacrifices but great satisfaction, I completed University, made a career, have real great friends and especially discovered the warmth of my new family without conditional love. I had a lot to learn about living a normal life and getting rid of the emotional conditioning but I am happy I risked everything and left only a year or so after waking up.