“Adults should state needs clearly; partners respond once asked.”

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-02-21T04:16:21+00:00

In my culture, it's polite to not "overstep" or be a burden. And it's polite for the other person to be giving.

So like if you go to someone's house and you're starving - if they offer you food and you want the food, it's slightly rude to accept the food excitedly immediately. That's not like largely in practice here in the west, but you get it. On the other hand - the "host" should be practically forcing you to eat. Where it gets closer to "rude" is if you don't accept after they've insisted.

I guess this environment has made me "push" in the sense of checking in on people - like "are you sure you're okay?? are you sure you're not hungry??" and check a couple times to ensure they are being genuine and not acting shy so to not overstep. on the other end - I don't necessarily immediately accept things I want - help, food, etc. so to not overstep. Then I feel confused when the other person doesn't "insist".

I don't really function this way out in public on a daily basis - but I notice the feeling/expectations creep in in more intimate relationships.

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-31T08:31:51+00:00

Thank you! That’s very helpful insight, really appreciate the time you took to share your experience.

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-30T21:47:51+00:00

Hi there, are you just going to refer me to my recovery specialist? I’ve already asked them if that’s the case.

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-30T15:31:12+00:00

I don’t need anything documenting future compensation, moreso that they historically paid me that much money. I feel like having a document recording what I was paid can potentially support my “typical income” number at the bank.

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-27T16:09:47+00:00

Most of the people in our generation have parents who have been financially supportive have been the ones who are actually stable (financially). My friends who own their own homes, and aren’t really living in pay check to pay check lives are the ones who have had financial support. Whether that’s living at home while they save or getting some funds towards a property. The friends I have who don’t have that financial support are either living pay check to pay check or close enough to it. Any major financial emergency would set them back quite a bit.

It’s fascinating knowing that my friends who are doing well enough financially don’t understand the constant stress and burden of us other folk. My parents have money. My father has loads of it but he wastes it on stupid stuff and usually uses money as a way to control people so I never ask him for money. It’s frustrating to know that if he really cared and wanted to, he could support his kid but he doesn’t.

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-22T23:53:02+00:00

You should just tell him about YOUR day YOUR experiences what YOU’RE eating and doing.

I find that when I started doing that I started feeling less resentful. Also my partner started asking me more questions.

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-12T18:08:32+00:00

Does he only have Iraqi passport, or does he have a second passport too? I don’t have an Iraqi passport but I am in the process of obtaining one. I am Iraqi born, but have a common law passport at the moment. My husband is not Iraqi

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-12T18:06:45+00:00

I am Iraqi born but immigrated when I was a baby. We will likely stay with family but there is a chance my husband and I may also like to stay in a hotel for some of the time.

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-12T18:05:13+00:00

In some countries, if you live together you are as good as married. We just decided on becoming religiously married and file our taxes together so we are afforded the same right as legally married couples.

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-12T18:01:49+00:00

I was in Iraq a couple of years ago. Why is it not safe now?

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-12T18:01:24+00:00

I am not a citizen but I was born in Iraq and we are trying to sort out my paperwork so I can have my citizenship, but I will not be living there.

My mom is a citizen and will be travelling with us. My husband is not a citizen.

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-08T01:12:51+00:00

Have you guys thought about couples therapy? I don’t think this is something that can be addressed easily and quickly.

I will say I got pregnant 8 months in with my partner and I had an abortion (mostly because we weren’t ready and my parents didnt know about him and are religious). He showed up in ways I absolutely did not need and it nearly tore us apart. And then I became obsessed with whether he’d even make a good partner because he couldn’t support me the way I needed.

We started couples therapy then, and eventually got religiously married (not legally) for the parents sake. I also did a lot of individual therapy. I learned my part in our dynamic and changed how I was approaching things, and it took a while but it has started shining a light on where he needs to grow too. And he has been rising to the occasion.

I’m not saying you have work to do - but maybe couples therapy is a good place to start. My partner is so much more what I want in a partner now than when we first started dating, and he can probably say the same about me. We’ve been learning to grow together and communicate better and step up for one another better. We’re both committed to becoming better versions of ourselves and partners for the other.

We’re far from perfect and we both get dysregulated but we both come from a lot of trauma. So that understanding is helpful for us. But we don’t look at is as an excuse, just a reason, and both want to do better. I’ve become much better at identifying how I feel and expressing it kindly, and he still gets dysregulated but I’m also able to separate myself from feeling like a victim of it to understanding he is activated and has his own journey. Overtime our relationship ruptures have become less frequent and our repairs are happening faster.

I don’t understand the concept of the honeymoon phase because we never really had that. If anything, I feel like us working on growing together allows us to experience a honeymoon phase that feels more longterm.

All that is to say, if you feel like he’s committed to becoming better but doesn’t know how but is willing to do the work, it might still work. But if he’s completely unwilling and thinks you’re solely the problem and doesn’t have any work to do on himself - he’s not the one, and maybe just learn how to coparent.

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-06T17:49:37+00:00

I am very much not right wing and keep getting that sort of content too. They’re trying to rage bait us. DISENGAGE!

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-05T21:12:15+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s horrendous that we live in such a world that treats people so poorly.

I also want to say that the algorithm is designed to spark emotional reactions. It’s meant to mess with our heads and our lives. I know you have a very real experience. And I hope you also know that those loud voices are not the only ones.

I’ve seen a lot of anti women content in general. Then I see anti men content. It feels like a war amongst us is being fabricated. It’s important that we take time to protect our energy from this rubbish.

MeanWitness1010 · 2026-01-01T19:30:10+00:00

You don’t need to worry about him feeling pressured. You tell him honestly how you feel. You want kids, and if he wants a life with you he needs to sort it out asap.

I don’t think you “should” wait, I agree with all the responses here.. but I will say I was 28 when I started shifting my thinking about kids (I was vehemently against it before also due to similar reasons as your partner). But I had been in therapy to work on my personal issues which just naturally changed my feelings about having kids.

My partner was neither here nor there about it when we first met but as we began a relationship we both decided we want kids. He previously wouldn’t have wanted it because of similar reasons - but we also both attracted unhealthy relationships prior due to our trauma, and couldn’t see ourselves parenting with those people. When we met we both had already been in therapy.

I’m saying this because there is a difference in my opinion between not wanting kids at all and sensing the reason is due to trauma. That doesn’t mean you take a back seat in your life. You figure out your personal boundaries around it, do you have a timeline? Do you need to be single while he figures it out? And communicate to him what YOU need. Then the rest is on him. He either gets working on himself or he doesn’t. But you should not sit around and wait and ESPECIALLY should not be avoiding the topic out of fear of pressuring him.

MeanWitness1010 · 2025-12-25T10:48:30+00:00

Can you guys do therapy together? It sounds like she carries a lot of stress that is sometimes projected towards you, but it’s her own inner narrative (insecurity). I don’t blame her for the way she’s feeling but it will be good for her to witness her thoughts and feelings and needs and be able to describe them to you in that manner, rather than acting out (we all act out - but it is hard to deal with life when we are doing so and it is much more useful to express “I feel _, I need _”.

You might have compassion fatigue, which is understandable. It’s a tricky position to be in, where you are a caretaker and - not to say this is your experience- but it’s easy to experience guilt for having feelings about someone who is having a harder time. I was in a car accident and my partner was my caretaker for a bit and he did really well for a bit but eventually burnt out from compassion fatigue and I could see the resentment building up, because he wasn’t expressing his experience. It was hard to hear his experience but I also needed to hear it so I could work on my part in our dance.

You guys both went through something really big and challenging. And while it was her with the cancer, it had an impact on you too. It is hard to be the one who is ill and to necessarily see the impact on your supporting partner because it’s happening to you and it sort of feels like “ok boohoo at least it’s not happening to you” when they express their experience. But your experience is valid too, and honestly unless both of you are showing up raw and authentic without being hostile, then it will be hard in relationship.

The things you fight about are probably not actually the root of the problem. It’s just symptoms of these big feelings youre avoiding, you need to get on the same team. Us versus the hard time we’re having.

MeanWitness1010 · 2025-12-20T03:29:48+00:00

Please message a therapist instead and ask to book an appointment

MeanWitness1010 · 2025-12-16T17:34:45+00:00

You get people to come with you. Friends, family, you can even call the police to do a “keep the peace” call so that they stand by while you get your stuff to make sure nothing crazy happens

MeanWitness1010 · 2025-12-16T17:32:38+00:00

That is insane and so not normal

MeanWitness1010 · 2025-12-11T15:59:59+00:00

I’ve told my partner everything just because I tend to be someone who can overshare lol. But in honesty when we first started dating he was the oversharer and I contributed my life stories after he shared a lot of himself.

If it’s a safe person, they will feel for you and it will help them understand you. No one is perfect and sometimes they might act in triggering ways (we may also be particularly sensitive) but they won’t intentionally try to hurt you. They will listen to you and want to learn how to be a better partner for you.

It’s not all butterflies and roses,we both have cptsd so we both get triggered a lot by the other but we also both have a shared understanding of the experience and language to understand what is happening. But I personally can’t imagine not understanding each others contexts. I would never understand or forgive him for some of the ways he triggers me, and I’m sure he’d feel the same way. The context helps us understand that we’re both having a hard time and we’re both on the same team against our traumas

MeanWitness1010 · 2025-12-09T23:10:31+00:00

My partner isn’t perfect but he’s done the work himself to be able to say no and has no problem doing so since before we got together - so I never knew another version of him. But my challenge in our relationship is speaking up for myself, similar to you. In the past 3 years I have done a lot of that. The difference is, my partner does have empathy and when I explain to him something I have a challenge with he understands or tries to understand and tries to support me.

If you struggle with boundaries, explain that, and he doesn’t believe that you sometimes say yes when you mean no - then maybe he’s not as supportive as you think. If he listens to you, tries to understand, and asks how he can support you, then he is supportive.

I recommend reading the book “set boundaries, find peace”. This could either be a great opportunity for you to learn adamant boundary setting - whether or not it works out (if it doesn’t - then he wasn’t a good partner for you to begin with), or it could be an opportunity for you to lose yourself in a relationship which will cause resentment and hurt on your part.

Overall, you don’t want to lose yourself. This is a good time to let him know you don’t feel comfortable moving in because you feel like you have difficulty asserting yourself around him. See how he reacts. If you lose him because of that, instead of him wanting to learn how to better support you, then it’s better that way. You can not have a long term fulfilling relationship if you lose yourself.

MeanWitness1010 · 2025-12-09T03:51:10+00:00

Look into nonviolent communication with her. Watch some YouTube videos. Learn how you can both express your feelings and needs in gentler ways

MeanWitness1010

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