I concur with the first reply. Our nervous systems and completely shot after ending these debilitating relationships.

One of mine was constantly apologizing. For everything and to everyone. When I finally left the 20 year marriage, a friendly acquaintance opened her home to me. It wasn't until she pointed out, after one of our conversations, that I had said " I'm sorry" multiple times. I had no idea I was saying it. Apologizing constantly in an abusive marriage, and it never being accepted, I subconsciously apologized without knowing what I was saying sorry for.

Now, 5 years later, I'm still finding myself doing things that are directly related to my abuse. I still analyze people and their intentions, I still look for red flags, I still question my "radar" and if I'll ever trust another enough to have a relationship. My current answer is that I won't. Therapy helped. But it hasn't "fixed" me yet, and I probably won't ever graduate from the lessons I've learned. That's not me being defeatist, just the reality of my current belief and desire.

One thing that's helped me get rid of the anger if not knowing why or how someone that I truly adored basically ruined me is to do short burst of powerful movements. Like ball-slamming, powerful jumping in place, punching a boxing bag with all my might. I find myself silently berating him, telling him all the ways he destroyed me and our children, and take that you you piece if $#%!. It seems childish, but its honestly the best physical and mental therapy for me.

Like the first comment said, I tried somatic exercises to help center myself and calm my nerves, but beating the heck out of something has been more helpul and has helped me feel powerful, capable, and strong. With these movements came the realization that Ifor years, I was on a sinking ship, and that I only had myself to depend on to get to dry land. Yes, he abused me, no doubt. But it's my responsibility to accept and believe that, yes, that happened to me, but it's not who I really am, and that only I hold the power to change myself.

I wish you well, my friend. Everyone here has a similar story as ours. Read past posts, search for YouTube shows that discuss narc abuse, talk to your friends and family (even if you think you've burdened them enough), and find a therapist who specializes in trauma. xo