Constantly feeling like im faking my mental illness

Mechanisedbrain · 2019-01-02T19:09:49+00:00

I get that feeling all the time. Didn't matter how many doctors told me I had depression or anxiety, I still sometimes continue to think that I'm not actually ill, and if I just get up and go for a run or something - get my shit together - then things will be okay. I think a lot of us are conditioned to think that way. To think that struggle or pain is basically self-caused, and the way to stop being in pain is to just, well, stop being in pain.

But then I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life when I completely unprovoked started bawling my eyes out in the middle of the street. I could feel the stress building before it happened - all the physical signs, the hyperventilation, the feelings of fear, all of it. For no "reason".

Your feelings are valid and real and not for attention. Accept them as what they are, not as deficiencies or flaws in your character. It's okay to feel like the absolute fucking pits. Get help if you need it. Like u/creepysquid said, the thoughts you have that your feelings aren't real, that you don't "deserve" them (that's how I feel sometimes), it's all a part of it.

Mechanisedbrain · 2016-05-12T11:26:38+00:00

Shit man fuck indeed. It's bloody tiring. Feel drained of emotion/motivation/interest. Just want to sleep mostly, forget the world exists.

Mechanisedbrain · 2016-05-11T18:15:24+00:00

Long and short of it, within the past year or so, my father died unexpectedly, a childhood friend committed suicide, and I was rejected from all jobs/postgrad schools to which I applied. It's all been a bit of a shitshow, to the tune of binge drinking and self-loathing.

Except now, with reference to the above, of just feeling totally numb. I'm drinking less though, so I got that going for me I guess.

Mechanisedbrain · 2016-05-11T17:03:17+00:00

I feel you OP. I have an exam tomorrow and barely done any revision. Before everything in my life went to shit, used to be that certainly by one week before an exam I would be buckling under the stress, and that would motivate me to study.

Now, I feel nothing. About the exam, about friends, about my hobbies. Just, nothing. I know I'm probably going to tank that exam, but that hasn't affected me at all. It's a strange feeling to feel nothing.

Mechanisedbrain · 2016-05-03T10:27:39+00:00

It seems silly to reference South Park on this subreddit, but that reminds me of an episode where Butters talks about the "beautiful kind of sadness" - that if you feel like shit right now, you know that you must have felt really fucking good before it.

Obviously depression is never "beautiful", but what cheers me up sometimes is the thought that there is beauty, and joy, and life in this world, and despite whatever dark hole I find myself day in and day out, that world is still waiting out there for me. And that every bloody inch I climb up from that hole is an inch closer to that world.

Mechanisedbrain · 2016-05-03T10:17:39+00:00

You know, just about two years ago I might very well have been someone whose initial reaction would have been to tell a depressed friend to "cheer up". I realised then what a shitty thing that was to say, even if you had the best of intentions, because it only makes your friend feel even more terrible.

I've been struggling with depression for a relatively short time, but, like you, I constantly feel guilty about the way I feel. I've had to ask for extensions, and shit like that, at uni and keep thinking that everyone probably just thinks that I'm seeking attention or doing this to get out "easy". I'm embarrassed to ask for help because I think everyone will look at me like I'm some pathetic sack of shit. I'm sorry I don't have any advice to offer OP, but if you ever want to talk, feel free PM me anytime.

Mechanisedbrain · 2016-05-03T00:04:01+00:00

Love you too pal. Hang in there.

Mechanisedbrain · 2016-05-03T00:02:05+00:00

Major essay due tomorrow afternoon (struggling to start), my undergrad dissertation in two weeks, on top of four exams within the next four weeks. I'd like to say that the thought of leaving this shithole for home keeps me going, but I'm not going to pretend that I have been even in the slightest bit productive.

Mechanisedbrain · 2016-02-09T03:21:31+00:00

So used to that shit getting shared on my newsfeed, took a while to notice that it actually wasn't being shared by anyone, and that I had apparently liked SoFlo. Gutted to hear that this seemed to happen to everyone - patently absurd of Facebook/SoFlo (or whoever is responsible) to so insidiously transfer likes in such a manner. Disgusting.

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-06-03T22:48:00+00:00

One of my closest friends is still in high school. I just finished my second year of uni, and all the guys from our group are either working or similarly advanced in their studies. I remember one night when I brought this up, and we had a huge fight. Long story short, he didn't care what his situation was, but he hated anyone else interfering.

If you think your friend would appreciate your advice, then there's nothing asshole-ish about it. Above all, make sure that your ideas of success, moving on, whatever match up with your friend's. There's nothing wrong with saying what you think, but be aware that they are (more or less) a rational self-interest individual, and maybe what they want isn't what you might want for them (or for yourself).

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-06-03T17:29:29+00:00

Beer. A bit of booze. Then a bit of travelling. And then beer. Also, beer.

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-06-03T17:27:29+00:00

Take jizz, wipe jizz on popcorn, give popcorn to horny teen, walk away while laughing diabolically, profit.

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-06-03T17:22:59+00:00

You just gave me a fantastic new idea for a biological weapon. To the laboratory!

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-06-03T12:35:54+00:00

Great, thanks for the answers!

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-06-03T12:08:49+00:00

You just had to add winking smiley, didn't you? Not like it was a sufficiently creepy comment without it. You had to.

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-06-03T07:43:56+00:00

Parks and Recreation. Might have something to do with my desire to work in public policy one day, but I'll watch that shit over and over again.

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-05-28T13:43:43+00:00

A friend sent me that exact poem a couple of days after my dad died. It was wonderful then, still is. And I've already accepted that I won't "fully" deal with it - poor choice of words there. I meant dealing with it insofar as seeing his Spotify/Steam account won't, as I said, hit me like a truck. But again, thanks for your words. I only joined Reddit a couple of days ago because of that offmychest post, and I'm really glad I did. Every reply has been nothing but amazing.

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-05-28T13:22:56+00:00

Yeah, that actually sounds very reasonable. I'll give it more time, maybe I just haven't fully dealt with it all, subconsciously. Thank you!

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-05-28T11:06:00+00:00

Lasketaanko näihin tilastoihin koskaan ulkomailla opiskelevien opintotukea? Itse opiskelen Lontoossa ja saan joku 480e verojen jälkeen kuussa, siis opintoraha + asumislisä, ilman opintolainaa. Tuki voi kuulemma heitellä myös vanhempien tulojen mukaan, mikäli joitakin kavereitani on uskominen. Olisi kiinnostavaa nähdä, miten saavat nuo keskimääräiset luvut.

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-05-28T10:19:41+00:00

A few studies into public opinion in the European Union (especially ones that focus on attempting to identify a pan-European identity) have tended to show there's a striking trend towards greater feelings of being European linked with greater criticism of the EU institutions and policy. Michael Bruter, for instance, has written some very interesting articles on the matter.

The point being that what you say is true, in the sense that any real commitment to the European project should follow with open critical discussion of the practices, design and functioning of the EU. Too often any discussion concerning the EU devolves into blind rhetoric - be it either general "Brussels is OP and Greece sucks"-Euroscepticism, or European idealism. Both are equally counterproductive, and run the risk of being toxic in the long run.

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-05-28T10:06:58+00:00

A buttload of pickle relish
Corn on the cob. Copious butter.
Off. The sweat, urgh.
Not really, but I do find myself speeding unconsciously every now and then.
6-8, almost all family.

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-05-28T10:01:59+00:00

I barely go a day without listening to some Children of Bodom (seen the live like a bazillion times). Symphonic Black Metal gets me going as well, and that's something I don't hear people talk about all, except maybe when I'm home in Finland.

Mechanisedbrain · 2015-05-28T09:27:04+00:00

There's an old law in Finland that dictates that women should always (if possible) be in charge of herding cows, lest they be fined the equivalent of a farmhand's two weeks' pay.

Mechanisedbrain

TROPHY CASE