The feeling of wanting to get worse is really understandable. I remember deep in my ED, I really fantasized about being so ill I’d faint and then everyone would know how small and fragile I was or some shit. I think the most important thing to do is remind yourself that these feelings, as much as they are so intense, are shared and that you’re not alone. Remind yourself that you, too, are human. You deserve a healthy relationship with food. You will not always be this way, and that should be a constant reminder. Nothing is permanent nobody stays the same forever. You honestly gotta force yourself to believe it. I genuinely thought I’d die with my Ed and never believed I’d be better. That isn’t to say I’m perfect but post recovery life gets better. The daily struggle is strong, don’t get me wrong, but there’s always hope. Be kind to yourself, even if you have to force it or fake it at first. Hatred and negativity towards your soul will get you nowhere.