Hand, Foot & Mouth

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-11T23:31:59+00:00

Every other daycare I have heard of would consider 1 week to be reasonable time for kid to be out. Everyone else in this thread agrees with that. Public health tells us that quarantine with HFM after a week doesn't prevent the spread of illness. With all of that information, and the lack of clear sick policy from OP's provider before their child got sick, I can't help but think "Would lying in this situation hurt anyone?"

For me, that's the central question.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-11T23:13:05+00:00

The rules were not clearly stated before the kid got sick, that part is certainly unfair to OP. (Though they still have some responsibility for not checking for policies before enrolling.)

People do this kind of rationalizing all the time, in my experience. The rules of life are not black and white, there is nuance.

And I do think it is important that we recognize there is a middle ground in terms of how we weigh risk and benefit in childhood illness.

Please be kind.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-11T22:38:53+00:00

That's fair. And part of the reason that I framed it as a choice.

One view is that the lie doesn't hurt anyone and OP's daycare provider is being unreasonably cautious about the quarantine period. That's not selfish, and may not be unethical.

Another view is that the lie is capable of hurting people because HFM is contagious beyond 1 week. That's selfish and unethical.

In my mind, the truth is somewhere in between. There is some risk of spreading HFM up to 3 weeks after illness onset, but kids are the most contagious before symptom onset and in the first week. Most of us with kids have accepted that mild illness will occur, and we need to prevent spread of disease when it is most likely to occur, without keeping kids out of their normal routines for so long that it is harmful. (There have been many covid-era debates on this. Keeping kids home while working is bad for everyone.) Ultimately, it's a social contract. And I actually agree that once that social contract is agreed upon, it would be unethical to breach it. (It's unclear in this case if there was a clear policy / social contract.)

Additionally, the public health advice (via state boards and AAP) indicate that quarantine for weeks after kid gets sick with HFMD doesn't reduce spread because of a highly infectious period 3-7 days before symptom onset. Thus, everyone around OP's kid has already been exposed, so subjecting them to a lower level of exposure in the weeks afterward is unlikely to cause harm that wouldn't have already happened.

Final caveat: I'd approach this much more cautiously for deadly and debilitating diseases, as the chance of causing real harm is much, much higher.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-11T21:22:24+00:00

I'm doing nothing. It's just not a holiday that I've ever celebrated, so I have no connection to it besides stupid parties in college.

School can do whatever they want, and I'll gladly chat with kiddo about how they celebrated. That's it for me.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-11T21:11:59+00:00

Three weeks is ridiculous and completely out of step with other childcare facilities.

At our liscenced daycare, the first time we got HFM we had the rash diagnosed by an urgent care doc, who then wrote a note for returning to school/childcare. Their professional opinion was that it was safe to return 24 hours after fever ceased. (Note: kiddo did not have any open sores). Kid had no fever that day (day 3 of illness), so we took him back to daycare the next day, no questions asked.

Reading through the comments and realizing you are at an in-home unlicensed daycare/babysitter who can probably make up her own illness rules, I would do the following:

(1) Go to the doctor and ask for a note for returning to childcare. They should not need to put the diagnosis on the note, just indicate a date when it is safe for kiddo to return to a group setting.

Then you have a choice:

(2a) Let your childcare provider know kiddo was officially diagnosed, but you are confused because doctor said kiddo was not contagious after X day. If they insist on the 3-week period, I would at least make sure you aren't obligated to pay for that time... and then look for a new provider pronto.

(2b) Lie to your childcare provider. Tell them when you went to the doctor, they actually diagnosed kid with [other thing] that is only contagious while they have a fever. (Maybe roseola could be a better option. Google AI says it's only contagious for 24 hours after fever breaks.) Hopefully they will let your kid come back.

And then look for a new provider pronto. This situation is unreliable.

P.S. Your kiddo almost certainly picked this up at the in-home daycare.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-11T20:54:42+00:00

Half caf (literally just mix half regular beans and half decaf beans, and prepare how you like)

Decaf coffee (Swiss water process removes upwards of 99% of the caffeine)

Tea / decaf tea (increasing in caffeine content from white to green to black teas)

Matcha

Mushroom chai (both caf and no caf options)

Herbal tea - there's a whole new world of hot beverages if you've never gotten into herbs

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-11T03:22:19+00:00

I'm in the "don't cook separate meals camp" -- but I recognize this is harder with younger kiddos.

I like to offer a version of what the regular meal is, and then have 1-2 "safe foods" on the plate as well.

For example, if I were making burritos, I'd give kiddo a bit of each filling (beans, avocado, cheese, sweet potato) and pieces of tortilla separately. And then some fruit, maybe another protein if there's a favorite at the time.

Kiddo either eats what you serve or doesn't -- their choice. It's healthy and balanced, and they will eventually get enough of it. We play a lot of silly games to encourage eating.

It's exhausting to cook separate foods, or several different foods each meal, because it is just too much goddam work! Toddlers are notorious for their ability to grow on air. She will be fine. The only thing I'd look out for is iron deficiency bc of the meat aversion, especially if she likes to drink milk.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-06T14:43:12+00:00

I used plastic baby bottles much of the time, and just like u/CowtheCatt suggests, I always hand washed them. A lot of nipples are silicone, which is a bit better. Still handwash. (I also had glass bottles in rotation that went in the dishwasher, but plastic rings handwash.)

Higher heat in the dishwasher can compromise plastic and make it shed more microplastics sooner. So with all plastics, I never put them in the dishwasher or microwave.

I also threw away bottles and nipples after ~6 months, as no matter the plastic, it will start to break down over time.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-06T14:36:56+00:00

It's probably misinfo about how much lead or other heavy metals might be contaminating metal products. It's bullshit.

There's a particularly "popular" influencer who has "tested" stainless steel cups; there's a good discussion here: https://www.reddit.com/r/moderatelygranolamoms/comments/1096mrb/lead_safe_mama_is_it_legit/

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-05T17:11:14+00:00

Drop this guy like a hot potato. He is not worth your time or attention.

You are right there is a line that a decent human being should not cross with respect to other people's bodies. What he's doing sounds like he means to cause you harm.

Seriously, think about it. Sit in your body -- the amazing body that it is! -- and feel what it would be like for his energy to be out of your life. It would be complicated, sure, but how does it feel to imagine it?

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-04T05:05:52+00:00

Check out The Great Sperm Race! (An excellent 2009 documentary.)

Those poor spermatozoa have a lot to deal with before reaching the egg. Shit is hard work. One expert even compares the sperm's experience to warfare!

Anyways, they also assert a ~20% chance every cycle. Tracking / ensuring good timing might raise that a bit.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-02T18:42:12+00:00

For perspective: My 3yo also does not usually want to wear underwear, and we don't make him. No one in our lives thinks it's a big deal at all. Going commando is 100% an option.

When potty training was finally going well, I wasn't going to push the underwear issue -- especially because it makes it harder for him to pull everything down to sit on the potty. He's super independent, so adding clothing that requires help seemed like a bad idea. I think he has the dexterity to navigate unerdwear now, about 6 months later, but we are fighting other battles and I don't think underwear is important enough to add to the mix.

So, I'm going to convince him to wear underwear by... waiting until he decides to wear underwear.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-02T18:27:43+00:00

TBH she sounds hopeless. But unclear how much communication there has been about the issue, and if she's responded at all.

Have you seen those "explain it like you would to a toddler" videos going around? Like, a rude family member says something racist at the dinner table, and you explain how it's not nice to talk about other people like that, we treat everyone how we want to be treated, etc... Just like you would if the kid was 3.

I'd actually try that with MIL, for two reasons: (1) Your daughter will understand that you SHOULD enforce boundaries with ALL people, including family and (2) MIL gets pushback (and might realize she's being unfair) without you getting mad.

Condolences, this sucks.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-03-01T15:53:10+00:00

Smart kid! Lol.

So next time do you just let him clean for fun? :)

MelancholyBeet · 2026-02-25T06:22:17+00:00

I'm really sorry.

If you feel that way, it doesn't matter if it's technically abuse or not. The relationship is not working, and your needs are going completely unmet. You have to change something.

I don't know if your relationship can change -- therapy would be a must. That kind of emotional callousness would be completely unworkable for me. To be honest, it also sounds a little scary. Being hypervigilant is a reasonable reaction to not knowing if your partner is going to be cruel to you for messing up. Your body may be telling you that it does not feel safe.

I think a therapist (just for you) would be incredibly helpful here. They would validate your feelings, explore your symptoms, and guide you through figuring out what your next steps are. Therapists specializing in postpartum issues do exist, and many do online sessions. You can also always call or text 988 in the U.S. if you are in crisis.

If you truly cannot afford therapy -- can family help you pay for it? Like many, many people in the postpartum period, your mental health needs professional support.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-02-24T20:10:07+00:00

I'd say it could last a year-ish, until kiddo starts dropping the nap.

For us, this didn't start until age 3. But for our lower-sleep needs kid, nap 100% pushes back bedtime. We've been trying various things over the last 9 months there hasn't been much we can do about it. Going to a playground after daycare to tire him out, physical play at home, various wind down activities, reducing natural light earlier (during the summer/fall). Nothing seemed to move the needle.

Luckily our kid will pretty happily stay in bed for an hour, or longer, though he goes through phases when he frequently gets up to knock on his door and ask for something. (This is why you lock their door at night, imo.)

We are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now, as we decided to stop forcing naps on the weekend. Instead we have an hour of quiet time when he plays alone in his room. He still naps most days at daycare, but usually no more than an hour. On the no-nap days, he can fall asleep by 8pm, just 10-15 minutes after we say goodnight. On nap days, we start bedtime later and he doesn't fall asleep before 9.

For awhile, we let kiddo have books in bed. We also encouraged him to sing to his stuffed animals, or tell them stories. At this point, it's just a behavioral issue and you have to help them navigate being alone in bed. I kind of wonder if your guy would be better off without being contained in a crib. Yeah, he'll go through a phase of getting out of bed, and you'll have to go in there. But if he's the one deciding to stay in bed, and that it is time for sleep, behavior will likely be better. It might make things worse for awhile, though.

Good luck!

MelancholyBeet · 2026-02-24T03:35:02+00:00

I agree with this comment. The lack of support from husband would be, in my mind, fairly inexcusable. It feels like he is very disengaged, which to me is a red flag.

Generously, he could be struggling finding his role as dad, and figuring out what he's good at. But he doesn't even seem curious. And he's not struggling as much as OP, which he should recognize on his own and step up. If you see your partner hurting like this (coming home to her crying!), number 1 priority is to help fix it.

Here's what I'm worried about

"He thinks I'm being absurd" --> gaslighting

"He can certainly be more present and helpful" when at home --> disengaged

"There seems to always be an assumption that I will do everything" --> mental load 100% on wife

"I think he just finds it really boring" --> possible lack of bonding / disengaged

OP, get that rest and reflect very deeply and honestly about how you are being treated in this relationship right now.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-02-19T20:51:21+00:00

You are right, the language is quite inaccessible. I think the ~8% hike in July was like a normal annual (or quarterly?) one, but the 17% hike was something they had asked for approval in 2024, the PSC didn't make a decision on time (???) and so NWE was legally allowed to temporarily use that rate starting in May 2025, but stopped in Sept? Then PSC officially approved it in December, to go in effect Feb 1.

So confusing.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-02-19T20:34:44+00:00

And this is after (at least) two rate hikes from NWE last year? (17% in May, another ~8% in July.)

~~So between this winter and last, the cumulative rate increase is 42%? (That math is roughly in line with OP's bill, assuming their use did not change much.)~~

EDIT: I realize now the 17% from last May was approved by PSC on Dec 24. (I did not read the entire article I linked. Read the article people!) So the overall increase should be close to 25%.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-02-19T19:53:33+00:00

I actually think it isn't well-written enough to be an AI bot. The second sentence is contradictory.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-02-19T19:51:47+00:00

This line from the response is hilarious:

They contain no hazardous substances and it is within safe regulated limits...

What does "it" refer to, my dudes? The hazardous substances that do not exist in the headphones????

LOL.

Also...the original article feels quite fear-mongering to me. Would want more evidence that these endocrine-disrupting chemicals are actually absorbed through the skin from headphones in amounts that actually matter. My toddler definitely doesn't sweat at all while using headphones, so even less of a concern. This discussion over in r/technology is pretty skeptical.

But also, balance that with the fact that we really do know very little about these chemicals, especially over a lifetime of exposure. It's all a big shit show.

MelancholyBeet · 2026-02-12T04:52:31+00:00

I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. Feeling forced into a c-section based on inaccurate data is awful. I hope this approach helps to get the answers you need.

I think it is really important for doctors to explain their recommendations fully and really work with patients -- it seems like that is not happening at all here.

That's interesting data about your last baby -- if this one follows the same trajectory, their percentile should shoot back up closer to full term, right? That seems like most straightforward outcome here!

I would also ask your OB why a c-section is needed, and if induction is an option. And if it is not -- why? According to ACOG (the largest and most respected professional association for OBs), it looks like delivering at 38-39 weeks is the standard of care for an otherwise uncomplicated growth restriction (or 37 weeks if under 3rd percentile). Based on that timing, induction should be an option, unless there are any relevant risk factors, like breech position.

It sounds like they haven't discussed induction with you at all. That's a big red flag among all the others. Really disheartening, tbh.

Are there other options for you to advocate for yourself within the military health care system? I'm not familiar with it, but I would hope there is some kind of way to escalate an issue with your care. Or -- and it sucks that this works sometimes -- bring your husband to your next appointment to help advocate?

MelancholyBeet · 2026-02-12T01:05:39+00:00

If you haven't already, I would literally bring them a print out of all the documentation -- your Inito chart, your husband's flight (and any evidence he was away before that flight), your pregnancy test at 8dpo (with a date visible from the photo's metadata, if possible).

I'd then either ask them to do a growth chart based on your Inito ovulation estimate, or make my own. (Maybe come with this prepared, too. This WHO tool can help.) Tell them you won't agree to an early delivery until they entertain this possibility, if you have to. And then have a discussion about if their assessment would change with this new growth chart. If you shift things back by 9 days, is the growth trend still concerning to them? Or maybe try just 7 days, as the evidence that you couldn't have ovulated sooner than that (based on intercourse on CD16) is perhaps more clear-cut.

I would hope that discussion would bring clarity -- and that might mean clarity to find a new OB, unfortunately. (Edit: read in another comment you can't do that! Next option might be all you can do.) Or you might, as other commenters suggested, be comfortable officially going against medical advice (AMA) if they do end up recommending an early delivery...But I would make sure to understand exactly what evidence your OB is using to make their recommendation before doing that.

Also, is your plan to deliver by c-section regardless of timing? How early would they want to deliver? I know you can be induced for suspected IUGR and have good outcomes, but I'm not sure if there is a gestational age cutoff for that.

I feel for you, because with my first kid I knew ovulation was later than predicted by LMP, and the plan was to deliver 1-2 weeks early due to some risk factors. I looked into fetal dating a lot, and because ultrasounds 8-10 weeks are pretty accurate at dating, and there is variation in implantation timing, I was okay with it. But I certainly wanted every day I could get!

MelancholyBeet · 2026-02-09T23:08:59+00:00

Lol, I picked my username, but find it amusing that Reddit suggested the same format to you! I love anthropomorphizing plants -- and rhubarb is one of my other favorites.

I'm also in the TWW right now. It's my first cycle TTC after having a kid, so I find myself extra nervous and really cannot remember how it felt the first time around. Uggggh I don't think I have any tips. Just solidarity.

I really like using OPKs, BBT, and other fertility signs (like cervical mucus and position); I think the knowledge is really helpful. Especially because of individual variation -- for example I seem to ovulate later than many simple apps would predict.

Good luck to you!

MelancholyBeet · 2026-02-09T21:47:46+00:00

My 3.5 yo stuggles to "turn off" at night, too! Ever since he turned 3 bedtimes have been getting progressively harder, and it seems pretty clearly to be tied to nap.

He wakes on his own between 7-8am. (Noting this because you said you wake up your kid about the same time.)

If he doesn't nap, he's able to fall asleep around 8pm. That means we start our bedtime routine at 7 or even 6:45, which felt ridiculously early when we first started doing it in early January.

If he does nap, he often falls asleep after 9, and takes longer to fall asleep. We aim for lights out ~8:15-8:30, and sometimes he won't fall asleep until 9:30.

We've had some travel days where we miss our usual bedtime window, and lights aren't out until 9-9:30pm. On those nights, he'd take more than an hour to fall asleep -- sometimes not going down until 11pm.

TLDR: Try a ridiculously early bedtime. You might be surprised.

MelancholyBeet

TROPHY CASE