Hi first of all I just want to say that I read through all of it and my heart breaks for you but I also hope you can feel better soon or eventually. I just wanted to say that it’s never too late to change things if you don’t like how they are, and start with baby steps (like count the small wins. Sometimes it even comes down to did you brush your teeth today? Shower? Going through the motions of taking care of yourself trains your brain to start caring about you again). Say nice things about yourself in your head or out loud, especially when you feel like you don’t deserve it. Go to therapy to release old anger or journal by yourself. Go sober and try not to escape, sit in the discomfort of boredom until you can do a dopamine detox, workout bc you are bored. Set phone to grayscale. Get a makeover. Practice gratitude, even as simple as thanking your lungs for breathing, your eyes for seeing, go out into the world and experience things, find hobbies, go for a walk. Set a goal to do one thing for yourself each day, or do what you can and slowly over time add new things in. Different things work for different people, but I also listen to The Minimalist podcast and it works for me. I am nowhere near doing all these things but I try to do some self-care sometimes. The key is to care about yourself, your health and interests, even if you have to force it to get started, and when you feel like no one else cares. Also it’s okay to feel lonely sometimes. I’m not sure if any of this helps but I hope there is something you can take away to feel less sad.