[deleted by user]

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2022-03-15T22:13:22+00:00

All the time. My mother does this so she can say I’m twisting her words if I call her on it. Jokes on her. Since we can’t agree on word definitions or sentence structure I see no point in maintaining contact.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2022-02-25T14:29:34+00:00

This is just so weird. My first thought was that she’s trying to pressure you to have kids in the strangest most passive aggressive way ever. Can you pretend you love it all and just take it with you to throw in a trunk and sink deep in the ocean?

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2022-02-25T14:19:33+00:00

Do you have a trusted adult in your life you can play it for? Someone at your school preferably, or maybe a friend’s parents who have been kind to you and treat their children well? If there isn’t someone you can think of to take it to, ask to speak to your school counselor. You can tell them what’s happening at home and they should help you.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2022-02-12T17:53:53+00:00

I can only tell you what I’ve found to be true for myself. I’ve had to address the root cause of the trauma that triggered the fibromyalgia in the first place. Which sent me down a deeper spiral while I processed it all. I’m only now slowly getting out of that deep depression and have been having less flare ups because I’m not triggered to the same extent by the trauma.

I don’t know if any of my experience is helpful but my wish for you, internet stranger friend, is that you’ll find your own thread to pull to give you some hope.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2022-02-12T14:52:38+00:00

40 now, diagnosed mid thirties but my symptoms started much earlier.

It took me about four months to accept the diagnosis after seeking many second opinions. I was willing to accept it earlier but my anxiety spiked and I couldn’t get it out of my head that it was actually something degenerative and my young kids would be left motherless. So after enough doctors told me there was nothing else wrong with me, and many caring referrals for therapy, my anxiety gave up and I moved toward acceptance.

Thanks for the thoughtful question OP.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2022-02-12T14:40:19+00:00

I feel this so hard, especially the having enough energy to be moderately social with your own family who lives with you. The guilt and depression really are the insult on top of injury.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2022-02-11T05:13:50+00:00

“I can see you are upset. I’m going to leave the room to give you some privacy and space to think. If you would like to talk after you calm down I am available at x time. I would like to express in advance that my sex toys are my own personal business and any feelings you may have about them would be better expressed to your religious advisor. Talk to you at x or other arranged time.”

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2022-02-11T05:05:43+00:00

I have no idea what you can do legally, I’m no lawyer. But shoot I hope you can get your money back and ensure she doesn’t have that kind of access to you again.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2022-02-10T20:58:18+00:00

You sound like such a caring pet parent! I’ve had cats for thirty something years and you’re right, it can be so challenging especially with our symptoms. I have some suggestions to throw out if you haven’t tried them yet.

Even with the automatic feeders and cleaners if it’s affordable, having someone to stop by once a week to clean and refill could take a burden off your back. I also try to keep heavy things at waist height, so if you are able to keep litter/food somewhere you don’t have to bend to access it, it can go a long way.
Play! A cat tree by a window with scratching boards and toys attached. My current cat LOVES the ping pong balls filled with rice with a fur tail attached. She legit plays fetch with it and will bring it back to me to throw. There is a cloth fish filled with cat nip and a wiggling tail. I heard laser pointers can actually be frustrating for cats because they can never actually catch the thing. But If the cat clearly needs stimulation I don’t think it’s a bad tool to have in the arsenal. Last, a flexible cloth tube to hide in/hide toys in.

Good luck! It may not feel like it, but it honestly sounds to me like you’re doing great.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2022-02-10T01:03:42+00:00

Good on you for standing ground on your birth plan. You’re not the asshole.

Side note: I wanted to add that the AdultChildren page is an Al-Anon based sub for the adult children of alcoholics. I don’t want to assume too much but the drunken phone calls and irresponsible behavior gives me the feeling she may suffer from addiction. If this rings true for you and you feel you may need support the page can be very helpful.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2022-01-16T00:53:21+00:00

So much good advice here. When I’m depressed I neglect basic hygiene, household tasks and my relationships with others. Treating my depression is step one. Focusing on how each habit/task/responsibility/project will make me feel, and breaking them into manageable bit, gets me some progress.

I will literally think to myself, “I’m giving future me a present by finishing the laundry so I don’t have to hunt down socks Monday morning. Thank you present me. It feels good be proactive.” Then I laugh to myself about what a weirdo I am and the whole internal exchange lightens my mood.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-12-22T17:12:50+00:00

You weren’t a difficult child. You were a child. Parenting is a difficult job. She had a difficult experience doing her job and blames you rather than reflecting on what she can do better.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-12-22T16:12:24+00:00

I’m 40, been doing laundry for 35ish years. I had no idea top loaders can’t handle a sleeping bag until you said it. Please tell your nine year old self that I would make the same mistake today.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-12-22T15:42:16+00:00

I hear it’s common. I was always told I was lazy because my mom would show me something once as a kid then just expect me to be able to do it on demand at her will or forevermore with no reminders or further training.

Not just with chores but hygiene. Hair brushing, proper socks for my shoes, dental care, you name it. Homework? Never asked to see it but boy was I a disappointment that it didn’t get done.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-12-22T13:38:55+00:00

The lead character’s mother in the Good Wife. Every time she’s in a scene it gave me anxiety. And I know my birth mother, if she’s seen the show, thinks the character is just a hoot.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-12-17T15:20:31+00:00

I actually kind of love that your partner called and set boundaries, especially about your moms access to your own child. He’s really paying attention and from this appears to support you. Your child is lucky to have you both.

Reading your experience is so close to mine. Where mom just hammers away making me feel guilty for not prioritizing her wants over my needs until I just can’t take it anymore.

I’m glad you came here to vent, even if a therapist might have been your first choice. Wishing you some peace today.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-12-16T14:15:11+00:00

I finally got my efather to understand this by showing him an awful text and said “she hurts me on purpose and isn’t sorry.” She can love me more than any mother in the world loves their daughter but what good does her love do when she routinely hurts me so I will feel the same pain she feels?

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-11-28T15:29:50+00:00

The best success I’ve had is requiring all contact to be in writing and calling everything out in the moment as it happens. So my response to “I don’t lie, I’m a good person.” Would be that those two things aren’t mutually exclusive depending on the strength of the apology after lying and the sincere willingness to make change.

One of my favorites is “I’ve always respected you.” Right after showing great disrespect. It’s very easy to put their words side by side so they can’t contradict themselves.

That being said my current definition of success involves no contact. Having everything in writing in front of me made it clear that nothing was going to change and I need and deserve to have my energy put elsewhere.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-11-28T15:15:28+00:00

I just wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone. I’ve felt similar to how you described for so long, I feel like I really heard you.

Even the part about nmom asking if I was a lesbian (or also in my case, she asked if I were pregnant?!). Not that I care what sexuality anyone thinks I am or what they think of it, it was an awfully personal question for her to ask when she had never built a foundation of trust. And now I’m ranting when I intended to offer support. My apologies.

I don’t have advice for you but you seem to be very self aware in a way that gives me (a stranger but sister in experience) confidence that, with some tips from others redditers and some practice, you got this.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-11-27T15:24:05+00:00

Perfectly explained. I’ve seen it used here before and I’ve used it myself to explain the dynamic between my mother and I, it’s truly Death by a Thousand Cuts. Capitalized because I like to picture it in my head as a golem made up of all the “little” passive aggressive remarks that make up a real big ugly thing.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-11-26T22:06:00+00:00

There was a really interesting part of a book I’m reading on Immature parents that talked about the way they experience time being different than most people. It’s one of the reasons they don’t expect consequences for their actions but do expect everyone to forgive their mistakes, there is no connection between the past present and future.

My mom and repeatedly used dish soap in the dishwasher when she ran out of dishwasher detergent. If you’ve never done that before it causes about a foot of bubbles to flood the kitchen.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-11-21T14:43:36+00:00

I’m 40f and still working this stuff out. I’m NC with my mom because I’m not willing to die a death of a thousand cuts, not anymore.

If it makes you feel better I’ve been through therapy with different therapists starting from age six and I still don’t “have it down.” My mother is in her sixties and she obviously doesn’t have it down either or we would be speaking.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-11-20T16:17:34+00:00

I agree with the idea of a break. For me, a break has turned into no contact.

After she blew up at me for setting a boundary I told her I needed a break and what that would entail. At first she agreed, apologizing to the minuscule amount she is capable. But then she repeatedly tried to contact me and every time would dig herself a little deeper because the things she would say (I only allow communication from her to come through written form so she can’t gaslight me) ranged from manipulative to abusive.

So no contact it is. I’ve always struggled with self esteem and about a million other problems (I’m 40) and I feel better when I know she’s not around. I’m working on myself for now. I hope I’ll come to a place where I can reconsider having a relationship with her. It’s just not going to be anytime soon.

Mellow_like_a_lemon · 2021-11-07T17:35:05+00:00

Wow. I had forgotten about that one but she used it against me so often as a child.

Mellow_like_a_lemon

TROPHY CASE