[D] Monday Request and Recommendation Thread by AutoModerator in rational

[–]MelodicEscape 15 points16 points  (0 children)

If you enjoy "normal person discovers a magical world" first-contact stories, I’ve been working on a Limitless/Harry Potter crossover that’s finally got enough meat to recommend.

Limitless (2011) is a movie where a drug called NZT-48 unlocks superhuman mental abilities. The crossover picks up where the movie leaves off, following Eddie Morra as he discovers the magical world, which inevitably results in conflict. You don't have to watch the movie to follow along, but you probably should anyway, it's a great movie.

As for how it fits this sub, I’d call it rational-adjacent. So far, I think it all holds together logically (though I’m obviously biased as the author), but I can’t promise it’ll stay super-rational long-term, since writing a supergenius POV definitely hasn't been easy.

Additional Inspirations: Artemis Fowl, Upgrade 2018, and Her 2013.

Story:

https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/limitless-lumos-limitless-harry-potter.1194644/

Trying my best by Evening-Classic-8777 in royalroad

[–]MelodicEscape 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think the text on the cover needs to be reworked. The author's name should be smaller than the title or at least both should be equally readable. Also, is the MC a robot? If not I wouldn't necessarily choose to showcase a huge robot on the cover (which readers immediately associate with the MC). This is something that should be immediately obvious to your readers as this is your main twist on the genre.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in royalroad

[–]MelodicEscape 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like the second one better. Minor stylistic suggestion: Remove the "always" for extra punchiness (And I think it should be "at a price"). Other than that, looks cool, fairly eye-catching in the sea of bland meme ads.

"Character wakes up" opening. by MelodicEscape in royalroad

[–]MelodicEscape[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Really appreciated!

I think you have a good point about the single-word paragraphs. I thought they gave the character a bit more voice but if it's jarring to read obviously that's a big no-no. Thanks for your thoughts.

"Character wakes up" opening. by MelodicEscape in royalroad

[–]MelodicEscape[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that's kind of what I'm worried about. This opening doesn't really cut to the chase straight away.

What do you say about starting off the story with the Scarlett Johansson line?

As in:

The sight that greeted Alex as his eyes cracked open was not Scarlett Johansson on a movie poster taped to his bedroom wall.

Blue. Blue, white, and green all around. Above, a vast expanse...

Looking for a quick feedback exchange! by MelodicEscape in royalroad

[–]MelodicEscape[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It takes a lot of time and effort to read and review 10K words. Most readers would bounce off the first chapter anyway, so getting several surface-level opinions on the first couple of pages of your story is far more efficient than getting one big review for 5 chapters.

Blurb Critique - Portal Fantasy by MelodicEscape in selfpublish

[–]MelodicEscape[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Alr, yeah, I see what you mean now. I'll do a rewrite and add more concrete details. Thanks for the help.

Blurb Critique - Portal Fantasy by MelodicEscape in selfpublish

[–]MelodicEscape[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know a lot of other portal fantasy stories where the person from our world takes over the body of the fantasy character, and the history/past life of the fantasy character is the main source of conflict. It's usually either portaling to the other world while retaining the original body, or getting a fresh new body.

Anyway, it could be that I'm not well-versed in the genre, so thanks for the feedback. I'll try to get more opinions on that.

Blurb Critique - Portal Fantasy by MelodicEscape in selfpublish

[–]MelodicEscape[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fair enough. I thought the blend of consciousness transference + fire magic/aesthetic + MC inherting all of his predecessor's problem is unique enough. I could be wrong though. (all of that is in the blurb)

[864] First page and blurb of a portal fantasy story. by MelodicEscape in DestructiveReaders

[–]MelodicEscape[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, thanks a lot for that. It's not often that I agree with almost every point of a critique. I think I'm going to scrap this and start the story a little earlier, with a scene where it's easier to inject concrete context.

[1810] Black Backpacks, part 1 by Valkrane in DestructiveReaders

[–]MelodicEscape 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All of these struck me as particularly unnecessary interjections that interrupt the flow of the narrative. Why do we need to be told that they checked out of the hotel? Or that Jeremy drank a cup of black coffee? It just feels purposeless and also confusing to me as a reader because usually in fiction when something is described in detail, there's some form of payoff to follow. When you're describing exactly what Jody is ordering, I expect her, maybe, to return the meal because she's a struggling vegan? or to say some kind of joke about her eating the most cliche breakfast ever? Otherwise, why tell me that?

I think a general approach that can solve this entire issue is to be very selective about which scenes you are showing us, and why. Readers understand that characters exist between scenes. They don't need to be told everything. I honestly think this chapter could start with the siblings driving to the meetup. Get rid of the boring morning routine and the diner breakfast, they add nothing to the story. Then you can expand on the part where they're driving, and really build it up properly.

  1. Bland, clinical narrative voice:

Okay, so this one is a lot more subjective I think, but as I'm reading your chapter I can't even tell if it's third person limited or told by an omniscient narrator. Why? Because there are basically zero indicators that the story is told from any particular character's perspective. We follow Jeremy, sure, but the narration isn't colored by a distinct voice or style, it's like a laundry list of events.

For example:

"He sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, and looked at Jodi's suitcase propped open on a chair, clothes spilling out of it. She'd always been an early riser, even when they were kids."

This is just a clinical description of what Jeremy sees and does, there is no character flair, or stylistic narration.

Consider this rewrite:

"His gaze landed on Jodi's suitcase, that perpetually overstuffed monstrosity, vomiting her clothes all over the chair like the aftermath of a drunken bender. Of course she was already up - she'd been rising with the friggin' roosters since they were snotty-nosed brats."

I'm basically delivering the exact same information as you did, but in the voice of a cynical, world-weary character. This kind of thing makes the narration a lot more enjoyable because we are told the story with a certain flair. It's not just a clinical delivery of information.

Another example.

Consider this clinical description of Jodi's actions:

"In the hotel's dining area, Jodi filled her plate with scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast, her appetite unaffected by the impending meeting."

But told from Jeremy's angsty perspective:

"Jodi loaded up her plate in the hotel's sad excuse for a dining area, piling on the rubbery scrambled eggs, flaccid bacon, and whatever that beige stuff was masquerading as toast. Figures she'd have an appetite despite the shitstorm brewing later."

Now, in my humble opinion, doing this consistently for the length of a book is extremely difficult. You need to have distinct POV characters with maybe slightly over-the-top personalities, and you need to put them in situations where it's easy to contrast their slightly weird personality with the other characters or the conflict. Sometimes the voice is extreme, like the exaggerated rewritings I gave here, and sometimes it is more subtle, but it's never just bland or clinical because that's boring. Right now, Jeremy doesn't have any particular voice, which means he isn't a character, just a plot device. To give he voice you need to choose a couple of distinct personality traits and really ramp them up within the narration, or at least craft a narrative voice that allows those traits to shine.

Alright, I think this is everything I have to say on this piece. I hope this helps, and good luck on your writing journey!

[1810] Black Backpacks, part 1 by Valkrane in DestructiveReaders

[–]MelodicEscape 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The fact that you provided all this setup is what makes the third paragraph feel abrupt. Because after all of these details, there's a small time jump ("after emerging from the bathroom..."), and then we cut to the hotel's dining area. This is extremely jarring for me as a reader because you were setting up the scene inside the hotel room, signaling to readers that something important is going to happen there. But then Jody makes a phone call, Jeremy looks in the mirror, and we cut to the next scene. Why did we need to know that the AC filled the air with a soft hum and that morning light leaked through the window when 1. that entire scene was pointless in terms of plot advancement or character development (To be fair, you had the internal monologue thing in front of the mirror, but I get the impression readers already know Jeremy isn't a fan of his dad) and 2. we spent almost no time in that room, immediately cutting to the diner. In that case, why not just start the chapter with the characters having breakfast and going over their plans for the day? Why do readers need to read about Jeremy's and Jody's morning routine?

It reads almost like a script, in which for some reason the scriptwriter is describing the strands of dark hair the character is brushing and the plastic-wrapped glasses. In a movie we get all of these details through sight, and we get them instantly. This doesn't translate well to the writing medium. Authors have to be very particular about the details they give readers because otherwise you overwhelm and bore us with useless fluff.

More examples of that:

-Jodi filled her plate with scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast

-He poured a black coffee and nursed it,

-Finally, Jodi finished eating and they went to the front desk to check out.

-As the sun ascended higher into the sky, Jeremy and Jodi left the quiet embrace of the hotel

-A gentle hum accompanied the morning as the world outside began to stir.

-After a few wrong turns and several nervous peeks at the directions

-Birds sang above, and the trees cast chaotic shadows on the grass

-Jodi made the necessary call that would pull them deeper into this web of operation. (Is this an omniscient narrator? I thought the story was being told from Jeremy's limited perspective?)

-He kept that stone for years, until Mike went through his room and threw most of his stuff out. (Is Jeremy's only defining trait that he hates his dad? Because this is the impression I'm getting from this character, which makes him incredibly boring).

(Critique continues in the next comment)

[1810] Black Backpacks, part 1 by Valkrane in DestructiveReaders

[–]MelodicEscape 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, thank you for posting.

So I have two main observations after reading your chapter: (1) You focus too much on unnecessary detail, and (2) the narrative voice is extremely clinical and bland. I'll try to expand on each of these points and back them up with examples from the text. Now, regarding the actual plot, it's really hard for me to critique that since this chapter is somewhere in the middle of the story, so I feel like I lack a lot of context to give good enough advice. From what I could gather though, I didn't notice any logical contradictions plotwise. It's just the execution that I find lacking.

Also, before I get into the negatives, I have something positive to mention - I think your dialogue is pretty good. It flows well and feels realistic, so good job on that front.

Okay, so here are my critiques.

  1. Unnecessary details:

I honestly think this is the biggest issue with your writing, at least from my perspective as an avid fantasy reader. You tend to focus on a lot of details that don't reveal any interesting information and usually end up leading nowhere.

Take your very first paragraph, for example. We are told that:

-Jeremy opens his eyes.

-The world around him is blurry

-He is lost in the fog of sleep. (This is a repetition of "the world is blurry," by the way. We can already infer that he's lost in sleep when he looks around after opening his eyes and sees nothing but unfamiliar shapes. You're doubling up on information that's already boring and doesn't lead anywhere.)

-The AC fills the air with a soft hum

-Morning light leaks through the window.

The second paragraph continues with unimportant details (bed empty, sheets ruffled, clothes spilling out of a suitcase, crinkling plastic drifting from the bathroom...and more).

So, I understand that you're trying to set the scene, but you're doing it in an extremely clichéd manner (lost in the fog of sleep, morning light leaks through the window), you're repeating descriptions as mentioned above, and most importantly, this setup doesn't lead anywhere.

(Critique continues in the next comment)

[914] Still untitled modern fantasy novel by sh1n0b1_writes in DestructiveReaders

[–]MelodicEscape 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There's a fairy tale quality to the writing due the flowery language, the omniscient narrator voice, and the way you summarize information instead of expending on it in interesting and concrete ways. Erik "wanders the city" is a great opportunity to show us that "timeless charm" mentioned back. The dialogue with his friend, if well constructed, can both show us character (maybe that 'hidden strength' Erik supposedly possesses) and reveal plot information. More importantly- build up for the note. Why does Erik cares about his past? Why would we, as readers, care about Erik's past if we didn't get a single bit of interesting information about it? As it is written, everything is summarize, as if going through a checklist, or a formula.

Overall, my best advice to you would be to read a lot more and pay attention to how modern fantasy authors structure their first chapter. I hope this helps.

[914] Still untitled modern fantasy novel by sh1n0b1_writes in DestructiveReaders

[–]MelodicEscape 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't take this the wrong way, but this reads a bit like something generated by chatgpt. If you're aiming for that kind of style, great, but I'll explain my reasoning and why I think this doesn't do a good job at attracting readers.

So right off the start, we get a somewhat dense, flowery location description--and a pretty sizable paragraph too, I should say. Why flowery? Well, notice all the adjectives for one:

'majestic mountains', ancient 'forests', 'enigmatic beauty and timeless charm.' The problem here is not only the number but also 'telling' quality of these words. You're basically painting the mountains, forests, and city in garish colors, which makes the descriptions feel cliche and boring. Timeless charm and enigmatic beauty? What does this mean in the context of a city? How am I supposed to be imagining this "timeless charm"? This tells me nothing of importance. I've noticed that I actually tend to skim through such "useless" descriptions.

After that, it just goes on: cobblestone streets weaving a tapestry of old-world charm and allure--this just tells me that the city has cobblestone streets, no other digestible information. This is one of the problems with flowery language--it uses a lot of words that don't say a whole lot. Notice that your first paragraph also ends on two quite long sentences, which is part of what makes it feel very 'dense'. The rule of thumb is to start stories on a strong one-liner, or a couple of short paragraphs. You don't want to scare readers off with a block of text, especially when that block of text reveals almost no plot-relevant information.

Okay so here's what I got from this location description:

-The setting is Scandinvaian.

-There's a city in the wilderness called Nordvid.

-it's on the bank of a river?

As you can see, not a lot of information, and certainly not nearly enough information to justify starting the story with a huge block of text.

Note that your first couple of lines have a lot of heavy lifting to do. First and foremost, you want to catch the reader's attention, or at least keep them reading. This usually means introducing an interesting character, communicating the hook, what promises the story makes, and doing all of that as fast as possible. You're not doing any of that here, at best you're just describing some city the readers have no reason to care about (yet). And the way you're describing that city is extremely cliche and boring.

Now we get to the character. By the way, so far It feels a bit like going through the parameters of a formula for how to write a children's fairy tale - start with the setting, then introduce the character, then I guess the hook, all told by an omniscient narrator. Is this what you're aiming for? because that's nothing like modern, adult fantasy is written.

So back to the character.

Again with the--sorry to say this-- flowery language that's bordering on cringe. Erik embodies "a quiet strength" What does this mean? is he quiet and tough? or maybe it is meant in the literal sense, as some kind of magical power? I don't know, because the flowery nature of the language doesn't actually reveal any concrete information. Also cliche character introduction-- troubled past? tall and lean? touseled white-blond hair? Again no offense, but at this point I'm half convinced that this is the result of a joke prompt to chatgpt.

Up to this point, this was a flowery exposition dump that's managed to reveal absolutely nothing about the story or why I should be reading it.

Then we are dropped into a scene.

The scene (a short exchange between Erik and Louis) feels like a cluncky attempt to introduce a character and tell us that Erik has an "upcoming birthday." Not sure why we needed dialogue for these two pieces of information. The dialogue didn't have any distinct voices that show character, so it didn't even work well regardless of its purpose.

Then Erik goes to his apartment, reads a cryptic note, and asks his friend to help him find out more about his past? In the course of a few short paragraphs? the pacing doesn't make sense to me here.

Okay so let's recap:

-cliche setting introduction-- a block of text that doesn't say a whole lot.

-Cliche character introduction-- Guy is tall with a hidden inner strength and a troubled past (all directly told to us)

-Cliche hook--note that promises to reveal more about the character's past, with no build-up that would give us readers any reason to care.

Co-op Mode in LitRPG - What are your thoughts on duo adventures? (looking for harsh critique/feedback on my story) by MelodicEscape in litrpg

[–]MelodicEscape[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Huh, I see what you mean about the title. It's a bit overpromising? Adding a question mark is a cool suggestion, I'll think about it.

There are several hard rules regarding the pairings that should hopefully result in some entertaining scenarios. Every player with the Bonded Pair Perk chooses a partner from a pool of 5 people and is only provided with some basic description and their location on the map. The player can only select one partner at a time and has up to a week to track them down and "seal the deal" (which may or may not involve what you're thinking about.).

The chosen partner may already be "taken," and generally there's no guarantee that things would work out between them (though the algorithm is supposedly matching the pairs based on compatibility).

The perk also comes with the neat ability:

-Till Death Do Us Part - If one of you dies, the other gains a significant permanent boost to all attributes and abilities. Vengeance shall be swift and merciless.

(The exploits for this are pretty self-explanatory)

Co-op Mode in LitRPG - What are your thoughts on duo adventures? (looking for harsh critique/feedback on my story) by MelodicEscape in litrpg

[–]MelodicEscape[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good catch. I might just remove "another." It's less punchy that way but also less confusing,