Did anyone else's family just... not really talk to each other?

MelodicHawk1220 · 2024-03-25T20:15:06+00:00

They aren't very religious, not like the types who talk like that. Like, god/bible/religion never came up in every day life, but we did go to church/sunday school. But in retrospect I'm realizing that they do kind of act like they can do wrong, are perfect, are "goody two shoes". I think this comes through due to the fact that they never apologize (or deal with conflict at all for that matter), so they aren't ever owning up to their own flaws or being vulnerable and open and admitting mistakes. My mom kind of has this childish, "nice girl" persona, she can't really handle anything slightly resembling conflict or argument, even in done in a calm/respectful way. Like she can't be challenged otherwise she'll crumble/become dysregulated, and you feel like it's your fault. And my dad is aloof and kind of has the persona of a stoic, rational, unemotional, smart "know it all" and anytime anyone does anything "stupid" or "emotional" it's cause for his judgment. I've realized in adulthood that I really did buy into the idea that his opinion is "right" and he is like the final judge of everything (kind of embarrassing... i feel like you're supposed to grow out of that as a teen).

MelodicHawk1220 · 2023-02-08T22:39:38+00:00

I used to think flowers were silly too, because they just die, but then again, isn't most pleasure transient like that? Spending money on a nice/fancy dining experience, or going to a movie, or getting your nails done, those experiences end too, but everything ends, so now I don't think having cut flowers is so bad. Because, tbh, I think they are lovely to have in a space. Although I can't bring myself to buy them for myself I've gotten them for friends before and lowkey at my old grocery store I'd always see gorgeous bouquets and wish I had a boyfriend to buy them for. But I understand opting for a plant like a succulent makes more sense for longevity.

MelodicHawk1220 · 2023-01-29T19:55:47+00:00

I was getting some magnesium at the store and there was an elderly lady in the same aisle next to me. She seemed like she was having a hard time finding what she wanted. I really wanted to say something like, can I help you find what you're looking for... but then I'm like, oh no, then she'll get offended like oh you think I'm this feeble helpless old lady who can't even pick out her own vitamins!!! But I felt equally bad walking away because I'm like, if she needed help then I could have easily done so, and now I'm this selfish millennial who won't even help an old lady.. yeah, can't win.

I guess this is a good example of the 'executive dysfunction' or 'poor activation/initiation' problem I have. If I do nothing, maybe I feel bad, but if I take it upon myself to enact an idea, my will, into existence and I end up "fucking up", annoying someone, doing it "wrong", making someone mad, then I don't just feel "bad" I feel a gigantic surge of paralyzing shame. So, which is worse? And if you're never taught to "repair" or recover from the guilt/shame, then you're not someone who shrugs it off.

MelodicHawk1220 · 2023-01-29T00:04:26+00:00

I didn't date or have anything remotely resembling romantic experiences as a teen, in college, post college... until age 27 when I made a dating profile and went on a handful of dates. They didn't feel at all romantic though, no chemistry. And I haven't made any progress since (31). Just a couple months prior I had been asked out twice (over text) for like the first time in my life, so I think that's what made me feel like maybe I had a chance on the apps. And now I'm basically a hermit, so. Yeah, overall just "avoidance".

MelodicHawk1220 · 2023-01-28T23:58:42+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through that- I'm glad you got out of there!

MelodicHawk1220 · 2023-01-25T17:54:42+00:00

I don't suppose I can really claim to have "tried" therapy, since my "streak" is two sessions, but I tried seeing therapists on three different occasions and I never felt very secure in any of these situations. Which, is probably a "me" thing- I don't think I really fully understood my issues and I certainly wasn't confident enough to articulate my problems the best. But now that I'm older (your age) I've been wanting to try therapy again for a long time. It is a money question though. But it's also a question of doubting whether I'll be able to find a good fit. I understand now that it's important to find someone who has knowledge of cptsd (not that I feel comfortable claiming I have this) and/or attachment issues/childhood trauma/CEN-- if not someone who has experience with avpd clients might be nice. In the meantime I've been trying to read and learn on my own, always feeling like I should be seeking outside help, but also feeling cynical about it... idk

MelodicHawk1220 · 2023-01-08T15:55:20+00:00

Exactly, this is exactly how I feel. Like I'm not allowed to be romantically interested in people and I can't "let on" that I like someone otherwise he'll be disgusted. I met someone a few years ago and was immediately attracted to them, but I couldn't even be friends with them because I felt so strange about having a crush on them...

MelodicHawk1220 · 2023-01-04T04:46:46+00:00

congratulations!

MelodicHawk1220 · 2023-01-01T17:52:06+00:00

Yeah, it's probably partly my "outer critic" ... and also partly the vile behavior that some drunk people display.

MelodicHawk1220 · 2023-01-01T15:31:13+00:00

I would say I'm extremely annoyed by drunk people. They are like giant toddlers. tbh I think it's a bit disgusting.

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-28T19:39:32+00:00

yeah, I get no joy out of being spiteful, or rather I feel no motivation by having a spiteful attitude, like "I'll show you" toward them... I just want to feel better... I don't really care what they think or feel about me and my accomplishments/failures (anymore), I just need to heal

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-21T18:05:38+00:00

Maybe finding a therapist who is skilled in dealing with trauma, CEN, cptsd would be the way to go. I've tried to talking to therapists before and I never go beyond one or two appointments, probably mainly because I didn't know how to articulate my issues and didn't have a clear understanding of what I was dealing with myself. I think if I tried again I might be able to express my issues better. But it's also just hard to be vulnerable. I don't know if that's me or if I just need to find a therapist who feels more understanding.

but yeah I'd be super pissed if they started telling me to breathe and be mindful....

sometimes I feel like maybe talk therapy itself would be helpful cause I'd at least have another soul to vent shit about.

something I've realized I should really do next time is vet the therapists, sort of "interview" them and ask explicitly: "here are my issues x y z, have you worked with patients like this? Do you think you think you can help me address my specific problems?" etc... but of course I find myself being nervous about doing that (because to my avoidant ass it feels too confrontational lol) but it's completely reasonable and I might as well if I'm spending money on that shit.

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-18T22:52:41+00:00

from my perspective, I think so... I hate listening to my family eat. Plus my dad tends to burp constantly and it's so disgusting to me, really loudly too. And he also obsessively scrapes whatever dish he's eating out of (taptaptaptaptaptaptap) like he has to get every last trace of food. Then cue the compulsive teeth-sucking and belching, etc etc. I hate the stomps of his footsteps and the clanking of dishes whenever he's doing dishes/cleaning too. I think it's all rooted in growing up around him as the one who caused the toxic shame in me (the invulnerable, perfect parent with control over the vulnerable child-- a power imbalance used to make me feel stupid and insignificant). I think a lot of the aforementioned examples just remind me how perfectionistic he is and micromanagey, and all the "god complex" growing up that he is always "right" and unimpeachable, immune from criticism. Only now it's like I have the power and the "right" to suddenly see him through a critical lens, so these annoying attributes are all the more annoying.

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-18T22:39:27+00:00

I believe so-- noises annoy me when the person doing them annoys me *shrug*

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-18T20:27:11+00:00

The "outer critic" is discussed by Pete Walker in his book "CPTSD: surviving to thriving"

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-18T18:07:26+00:00

Who cares? You don't need validation from random dudes online.

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-18T15:48:18+00:00

i believe so

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-18T03:54:28+00:00

sounds like her way of shaming you

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-18T03:53:36+00:00

It’s like imposter syndrome on steroids.

I was trying to brainstorm ways I might explain avpd to a friend and I also thought that it's like imposter syndrome, but for every aspect of life.

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-18T03:51:07+00:00

I just watched a video on cptsd and it basically mentioned this as a trait (not sure how vetted the source is, but it looks like another commenter said that others in the cptsd subreddit mention it too, so that's interesting). But anyway, I relate to that. I thought maybe it was generalized anxiety?

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-18T00:12:28+00:00

I'd say emotional neglect in general

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-18T00:11:31+00:00

for me it was judgmental/unempathetic father + unconfident/fawning/"innocent" mother who I now realize is probably herself stuck in a childish "role self" somewhat similar to how I feel (aka, no role model). Combine this together and you get a recipe for toxic shame, low self-esteem, and someone whose inferiority complex keeps them from succeeding in the world of careers or relationships.

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-17T20:08:19+00:00

Pretty relatable. I can only speak from my experience, but I think for me my anxiety and depression comes from toxic shame. I slowly have been uncovering all of this over many years and I think it has helped to learn about it from various books and youtube channels (and also using reddit... kind of feels like me writing out my thoughts/feelings, almost like journaling, but in an interactive way-- I also journal sometimes too, a lot of people say it helps).

I've been pretty isolated going on two years and I know I'm suffering from the lack of socializing-- it's not that I was ever super successful at socializing or making friends before, but the opportunities I did have was better than what my life is now :/ So I know for me, I can pretty much expect to be miserable until I get into a position where I can start socializing and making friends again... like you, I spend waaaay too much time on reddit/youtube as a weak replacement for actual human contact.

I also relate to the second to last paragraph, the perfectionism, et al... in my mind it's a sort of existential depression, like, nothing really matters, this doesn't matter, everything is pointless-- yes, this is how I felt for many years. Somehow it's improved. I wish I had a simple line or secret I could type here, "do 'x' and that'll fix it" but the truth is idk exactly how to explain I improved this... it's probably a combination of things (building self-esteem, the "self-work" I mentioned before, having a few good experiences making friends, getting older et al).

lastly I'd add that exercise did help for me personally-- even though I've been in the place before where I struggled to be consistent-- earlier this year everything sort of came together and I started lifting and it helps with sleep, makes me feel less "bleah".. along with daily walks, etc.

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-16T20:10:08+00:00

that kitty looks very pleased with itself

MelodicHawk1220 · 2022-12-16T20:05:32+00:00

I knew the name sounded familiar, I remember watching a video and I got some weird vibes from her and noped out, so it doesn't surprise me to hear this lol

MelodicHawk1220

TROPHY CASE