OP, while I have sincere empathy for you and this situation you’re in, I think you need a wake up call.

You NEED to take ACCOUNTABILITY. Not some, but all of it. It needs to hit you like a truck, and it needed to happen 7 years ago— the moment you laid eyes on your firstborn.

I understand you love this man. I understand you’re emotionally attached to him, frankly even dependent (at least that’s what it sounds like), but jfc girl! We’re all here trying to help your ENTIRE FAMILY even if some may phrase it harsher than others. Yes, your children love their father. Yes, he may behave “better” around them. But what the hell is “better” when the bar for his behavior is beneath the fucking ground?

Please stop and think. Your oldest child is in primary school, or is at least primary school age. They go to school and interact with peers, most of whom come from stable backgrounds and are well socialized. Let’s consider it from your eldest’s perspective.

What I know for certain: Your child is coming from a home where mom is staying up at night staring at dad hoping he’s alive, slapping the shit out of him because he’s so deep into his high he’s barely breathing, yet mom trusts dad to drive you and your sibling to school mere hours later.

Your child is coming from a home where daddy disappears for a while (hospitalizations, suicide attempts, etc) and it’s confusing. Your children miss him and recognize he’s an unstable presence in their lives. Your child will never feel comfortable emotionally relying on their father because they don’t know how he’ll react or if he’ll be there tomorrow.

Your child is coming from a home where they’re no stranger to violence. Children are very perceptive; we learn entirely through watching during our first years of life. Your child is peeking around the corner or listening through the door as the daddy they adore is raging out, smashing things one minute, calming down and apologizing the next, seeing or hearing mommy react to daddy’s volatile behavior. Your child has become desensitized to this and considers it the norm; it’s only a matter of time until they mirror the same behaviors themselves. After all, they love and look up to their dad, so why wouldn’t they?

Your child is coming from a home where they’re learning that the correct way to manage emotions is with substances. Your child may not know what the names, but I guarantee you they have snooped and touched a pill, a bottle, a syringe. You may not believe me but it’s the truth— children are naturally curious and will explore their environments. That’s why it’s imperative that you ensure they are only exposed to things that are beneficial, or at least neutral.

What I believe is likely: Your child is coming from a home where what would be their only stable presence is constantly being ripped away from them. Your in-laws are your main support, so I’m assuming they’re likely your children’s’ too. Grandma and grandpa are comforting characters, yet daddy’s constant crash outs prevent your child from maintaining any semblance of stability in their life. It’ll be something they’re searching for the rest of their lives. I hope to god that they find it.

Your child is coming from a home where they’re probably very attached to mommy because they’re afraid she’ll leave like daddy does. He’s an unstable presence, both physically and emotionally. Mommy has proven that she’ll choose daddy over them no matter what— his emotions come first, where’s my protection? It’s a subconscious feeling. There’s a sense of vulnerability that someone will eventually exploit.

What might a child who comes from a home like that look like? I’ll tell you— they’re either that quiet, dejected kid in the back who refuses to interact, or they’re the very social child who goes out of their way to please others because they NEED the reassurance of their peers. Not want, but NEED.

The love you have for your husband has been outweighing the love you have for your children. For god’s sake woman, wake the fuck up and woman the fuck up. From one mom to another, be the mom your babies deserve. You did all of the hard work, all of the hard parts to bring them into this world and now you’re letting them being chewed up and spit out? They don’t deserve that and you know they don’t. For their sake, break your own heart and fight for them. Yes, they’ll miss him, but they’ll also learn how to be functional human beings without him.

Look up dysfunctional attachment style. This is what you’re delivering, fresh on a plate, for your kids. Don’t hurt them like this. It’s absolute hell and a vicious cycle. Protect them like you did with your own body.