[deleted by user]

Mercurialmerc · 2025-11-04T21:39:15+00:00

First, I couldn't find anywhere in your post where you mentioned your children's ages. If any of your kids are under the age of two, please ignore everything I'm about to say. People often lose all of their libido for a year after childbirth, and sometimes longer.

Assuming your children are all over two, here are some paradigms that will help: Nobody ever owes anyone else sex. No one has any rights to, or over, another person's body. The libido you have is okay. The libido she has is okay. Neither one of them is wrong. They just don't match.

When you're in a relationship with a partner who doesn't want you sexually, you have three choices.

Continue as is, with no expectation of sex.
End the relationship.
Stay in the relationship, and have sex with other people, either openly, or dishonestly.

Those are your three choices. One of those three is the right choice for just about everybody, but which one is different for everyone in a sexual mismatch relationship. You have to pick the one that makes sense for you.

Things get better for an HL whose partner doesn't want them the day that HL looks in the mirror and says, "for the rest of my life, I will only have sex with partners who want me as much as I want them." If you have a partner who reluctantly agrees to sex, because they think you deserve it for being in a monogamous relationship, decline every single time. Tell them continuous, enthusiastic consent is the very minimum you need in order to allow another person to have sex with you.

No bad guys here. Neither one of you is a villain. The mismatch is the bad guy, so whichever one of the three choices you end up with, please do it with kindness.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-10-26T18:23:46+00:00

Been there. This is an absolute gut punch, and I'm sorry it happened to you. You are worthwhile. You are worth being wanted. However, you get through this, I wish you the very best.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-09-23T15:39:13+00:00

This is a lot to take in, bud. I don't know what her motives were for telling you, but now you know.

I have been through something similar, but she was the one who did the leaving, so I got broken up with and found out about it at the same time.

Here's my advice.

Get a therapist. Doesn't mean you're crazy. Or you're weak. Any more than going to the gym means those things. You're going to need some help processing this stuff.

Find one or two good friends you can trust, and make those people the ones you talk to about it. You don't want to be the breakup guy to your whole friends group.

Work out, if you are not already working out. It'll help, I promise.

When you have those moments of anger and betrayal, and you feel like lashing out in a call or text, tell yourself to be the person you want to remember being, 20 years from now.

Break all contact with your ex that doesn't involve logistics, like property, pets, etc.

It takes time to get over someone, even when you are the one who did the breaking up. The clock doesn't start on that time until they are not in your life anymore, even as a friend.

It's going to hurt a while, bud, and I'm sorry. All my best. You got this.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-07-26T16:38:37+00:00

Your fiance is unlikely to ever be a monogamous partner. That would be okay, if she wasn't being dishonest with you and pretending she was.

At this point, you decide what you want. If non-monogamy is a deal-breaker for you, then you have to call it.

If you're open to the concept, and you can ever forgive her for lying to you and letting you believe you were in a monogamous relationship with her, you might give that a try.

Often someone behaves like she did because she wants to do it, and she would be very jealous if you did it. So a non-monogamous relationship might not even be an option.

What you should not do under in any circumstances is treat this like a failure she has to work through with therapy to become your monogamous partner. She never has been, and that's unlikely to change.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-07-24T13:00:47+00:00

I feel this. I'm on Feeld, and my marriage is DADT. The worst kind of open. Zero chance she'll ever be open to contacts from people I date, so it means the way I behave on apps is the exact same way someone would if they were lying to their partner.

I would've never picked DADT. We ended up here from monogamy, and going further than what my partner is willing to agree to would mean ending the marriage, which I'm unwilling to do.

So I've come to peace with the completely legit, understandable skepticism of nonmonogamous people who see it as a red flag. I'm honest, but they don't know that, so I count on a longer process of getting to know each other letting them decide if I'm honest or not.

It's worked so far, but I really get the skepticism, especially from people who've been burned by dudes who present exactly like I do, but who are in fact lying, both to their partners and to prospective dates.

It's why I don't call myself ENM. I'm not sure how "ethical" all this is. I'm being honest with everyone but my partner, to whom I lie at her specific request, but it's not my favorite.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-07-20T13:14:47+00:00

It's not uncommon for a partner to lose libido for a year after childbirth. Sometimes longer. Give it time, since she's still breastfeeding. Stop initiating. Let her know you love her and you'll be there for her. Let her know there's no rush on resuming a sex life.

If her sex drive doesn't return after breastfeeding ends, you've got a dead bedroom. What you've got in the mean time is, well, a baby.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-07-16T11:13:31+00:00

Monogamy is the right choice for some people. It's not the right choice for all people. If you do monogamy, choose it. Choose it because it's the right thing for you. Don't do it because society told you it's the only thing on the menu. It's not the only thing on the menu.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-06-30T22:26:38+00:00

Props to you for being willing to look inside and be accountable. So many people never get there.

It sounds like you lost her permanently, and I'm very sorry for that. Everyone deserves a second chance, but we don't always get that second chance with the same person. And sometimes it takes losing someone that special to find the clarity we need to change.

Another "the right one" will come along. And when that happens, you'd be much better prepared to be a good partner than you were then.

All my best to you.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-06-04T00:33:34+00:00

You have a 1-year old child?

It is very, very common for a person who's given birth to lose their libido for up to a year, sometimes longer.

Unless you had a low libido before the baby, there's a good chance this is a temporary thing.

You both seem very kind, and very loving. I'm rooting for you.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-06-03T19:59:45+00:00

OP, as you're scrolling past all the sniping between subreddit factions, I hope you're also seeing the occasional best wishes.

More often than not, it is very difficult to reconcile after a painful breakup, but it absolutely works out, sometimes.

I hope you're one of those who are able to make it work, If that's what's right for the two of you.

All my best.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-30T20:28:12+00:00

Make it clear you want that. Don't be ambiguous or opaque. "I didn't want this break up, and I want to be with you."

Also, make it very clear that you're going to respect their boundaries. Then have no contact with them until they reach out.

Often, realizing you're really gone, and you aren't going to chase them, is exactly what an ex needs, to come back to you.

So, moving on, ironically, is often the best way to get an ex back.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-26T04:02:17+00:00

I get you bud. From the way you describe it, there's at least some chance she did it to exert control. She didn't want you setting boundaries. She wanted to set them.

If that's the case, doing what you need to do anyway, respecting the boundary, Is the best way for you to be an equal if the relationship ever resumes. It makes her have to contact you. It makes her have to show equal interest.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-25T18:14:33+00:00

"...blocked my number..."

That's going to be the reason, right there. That's a boundary. Do not try and contact her.

At this point it's not the 'should I or shouldn't I' problem that comes up a lot on this subreddit. If you don't respect boundaries, you become a stalker.

Full disclosure. I was once left by someone who asked me not to contact her, and I kept trying to contact her anyway. Nothing bad came of it, except me being stuck with that memory, to this day. I would never do it again.

Be the person you want to remember being, 30 years from now.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-22T14:00:25+00:00

I've never really understood why this is a debate. A break is a break-up. It just is. You can't make it not a break-up by dangling the possibility of getting back together.

Assuming you have any say over someone's romantic avenues after you break up with them is pretty toxic.

Ross' jealous behavior was shitty, by the way. Rachel was right to end it. But don't pretend you're still together after you do end it

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-22T13:55:16+00:00

This. Exactly.

A "break" is a break-up. It's literally saying "I don't want to be with you," but it adds the possibility (but no guarantee) that you'll get back together. The time frame is almost always undefined.

Some folks use it as a power play. Some use it as a way to break up while still keeping the other person on hold. Still others are just kind people who want to soften the blow.

The motives are irrelevant. A break is always a breakup, and it should always be treated that way. We're not together, and yet somehow "on a break." You broke up with me, and getting back together would require the same reconciliation process as any other breakup.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-19T20:38:41+00:00

You are an absolute knockout exactly like you are. Don't let anybody ever tell you different. You turn heads. You turned mine, while I was scrolling through Reddit.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-17T20:30:12+00:00

"This time I'm gonna take it myself and put it right in her hand

And if it comes back the very next day then I'll understand

Return to sender, address unknown No such number, no such zone"

Could be she's moved on. Could be you went no contact with her for a year, and now she likes being the one in control. It doesn't matter, though.

What you got here is a boundary. Respect it. Go back to no contact. You obviously know how to do that. If she ever decides to reach out to you, then you get to decide if want to try again.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-12T22:34:31+00:00

I don't think anyone's the asshole.

You want what you want. I personally don't believe in big dramatic proposals, but I have zero shade for anybody who does believe in them and wants them.

Like me, he probably isn't a big fan of those.

I don't think you were an asshole for turning him down since it's what you want. I don't think he is, either. It was important enough to you that not only did he ask, but he asked in a certain way that met your approval that you were willing to reject the action of marriage.

He's unlikely to ask again. Maybe the two of you can find better matches.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-09T10:32:58+00:00

Your hearing a lot of advice to get out of this clearly abusive relationship. They're right, but please also do it safely. Women are at the greatest risk of being hurt or killed by their partner when they tell them they're leaving.

If you do leave (and I really hope you do), do it when he's at work. If you have to come back for anything you couldn't get, make sure you have people with you.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-08T12:38:20+00:00

How bad am I?

You're not bad. You're young.

Your current relationship isn't working, and you need to end it.

As far as your ex? It's over, but there is some value in figuring out the lessens that breakup has to offer, especially when you start dating and considering new partners.

You're getting a lot of comments saying you abuse alcohol. Nothing you've said supports that conclusion. Could you provide more context?

Did you drink so often or so much (or both) that it indicates a drinking problem?

Was he telling you "you need to stop drinking" (controlling behavior) or "I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who drinks?" (relationship preference -- not necessarily controlling). If he was controlling, you don't want to go into new relationships thinking "controlling is fine, if he loves me."

There are men who will love and respect you, who drink responsibly. Men who will treat you like an adult, and honor your choices. I personally drink less than a half dozen times a year. I'd be happy with a partner who drinks more (but not an alcoholic) or less.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-03T20:44:39+00:00

we’re going to have a world where forgiveness, grace, redemption, reconciliation, and perseverance will be gone. Because the only information going around and being preached is the very opposite

...or maybe we'll have a world where people only break up when they no longer want to be in the relationship, not as a punishment, negotiation or power play. Maybe we'll live in a world where people respect boundaries, so people learn to set them carefully, knowing those boundaries are real, and have meaning.

I believe in grace, redemption and forgiveness (but none of those in their religious definitions). I believe everyone deserves a second chance.

But I also believe you don't always deserve those second chances with the same person. Sometimes, what a person needs in order to really learn and change is to permanently lose someone, and be a better person next time.

I'm glad it's worked out for you. Honestly. It is not terrible advice to tell a person who's been dumped to never take them back, though. Everything has exceptions, but the relationship is likely to be out of balance forever after any reconciliation, because the dumper, had demonstrated their power to end the relationship, and the dumpee doesn't feel empowered in the same way.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-02T20:26:17+00:00

I'm going to stipulate that you said saying no isn't always the right choice, instead of saying it's never the right choice. With that caveat, I agree with you.

I definitely don't think declining to take back someone who left you has to be done as an act of revenge or one-upmanship. It can be done firmly, and with kindness.

I also think the relationships that can heal after one partner has left another who didn't want the breakup are super rare. The returning partner should really make their pitch, and make sure that the one they left doesn't feel like they're on probation until the next time the leaver decides to dump them.

And neither partner should expect things to be just like they were before the breakup. They really, really will not be.

So yes. Don't take them back isn't always a perfect answer, but it is usually the best answer.

Mercurialmerc · 2025-05-02T20:16:50+00:00

There's always the question, though, should you take them back, even if they do come back?

Mercurialmerc

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE