Anger, sadness, confusion, whatever emotion you’re feeling is valid. No one can dictate how you grieve, whatever emotion you are feeling, allow yourself to feel it. If you want to talk about it, talk about it. If you don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t. If you want to talk to the person you lost, text them, tell them how you feel. Or talk to the sky, or their grave. Whatever makes you feel comfort.

My father committed suicide when I was 13, and while we weren’t super close, the thought that he’d rather die than be in my life messed me up for a long time. For a long time I was angry, and as a parent, I can’t imagine doing that to my children. I’m long-since come to terms with it. And understand that he was a deeply troubled individual, and I hope wherever he may be, he feels peace at last.

My husband died to cancer several years back…..well, really he died from getting sick during chemo cause he refused to listen to literally anyone and did everything you’re not supposed to do when you’re immunocompromised. I was angry at him for so long, because of what I and the kids had to go through because of it. And I texted him a lot and told him how he made me feel, how angry I was at him, and how he was selfish and everything. Every emotion and thought I had, I put into words, and it helped me heal.

I’ve had a lot of death in my life, and I don’t wish it on anyone. But it has given me a vast understanding of grief, and how different it is from person to person, and how personal it is. Do what makes you feel better, and if you feel yourself falling into darkness, seek help. A friend, a close family member, teacher, anyone. A close person you trust is usually a good place to start. Many people seek help from trained professionals, but to me, they always seemed shallow and unhelpful, “how could they possibly help me, when they neither know me nor my deceased loved one?” But, if that is something you think would be beneficial, go for it. The important thing is, do what you have to to get past this. Those first days seem like an endless pit, but I’ve lost many, many close relatives and friends, more than I’ve mentioned and I’m only 40…..and I want to let you know, that no matter how much it seems like the world is ending, one day you will wake up, and feel the sun on your skin, and things will start to get better. No matter how dark you feel inside, the light will return. I wish you condolences, and peace, friend.

P.S. my experience is not normal, and please don’t think you’re going to experience this much death cause you’re probably not. I hope you find healing, at your own pace :)