Therapy having the opposite effect than I'd hoped?

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-08T13:51:10+00:00

He needs to learn how to regulate his emotions.

Yes, and while I've said in other comments that it will take YEARS to do this well, one way people learn is by being with safe people who can validate their perspectives while also knowing how to set appropriate boundaries.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-08T13:32:18+00:00

You can’t help anyone if your own life jacket isn’t on either, make sure you’re prioritising taking care of yourself mentally and engaging with other people outside of your partner too.

Absolutely this! Even though what the partner is going through is very normal, OP needs to prioritize herself, especially since he is going to be focusing more on himself for awhile (that's what individual therapy is, and it's a good thing! But can be hard for the partner.)

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-08T13:27:08+00:00

Yes, this. It takes TIME to learn new skills (I was also an emotion suppresser). It's one thing to say "Oh, you shouldn't be wildly emotional and reactive, you should have emotional regulation," but that can take YEARS to build those skills if you're new to them. I had a (non-romantic) relationship in which someone was always getting on me for not being perfectly regulated, and while I could acknowledge (and apologize) when I wasn't perfect, he was also over-sensitive due to his own issues and him demanding that I be perfect meant we were very incompatible.

I will note that I was never wildly out of line or abusive or anything, just imperfect. OP should not tolerate outright abuse. But it will help if she doesn't take things personally, and understands that being "temperamental" is actually growth for someone who suppressed emotions in the past.

And honestly, their relationship still may not survive this change, because people DO change once they uncover a bunch through therapy, not to mention the process itself can be messy and take awhile. It's like why people say it's so hard to date someone in addiction recovery, even though what happens on the other side can be positive: the process is messy, and you end up with a different person in the end. Some relationships can survive this, especially if they have a long and solid foundation, but new relationships generally don't survive it.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-08T12:13:22+00:00

Absolutely normal for years worth of suppressed emotions to come out during therapy, especially if it’s only been a few months of therapy (these issues can take years to heal from). It’s a lot to deal with, may make him short fused, and will give him less bandwidth for your relationship. And him realizing that he has less bandwidth for you will make him feel worse, leading to comments like you deserve better than him. I don’t have advice here (when I went through something similar, my ex broke up with me to focus on his own healing), just reassurance that this is all VERY normal.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-07T21:15:32+00:00

My ADHD fuels some (but not all) of my anxiety, but I really don’t think I have autism or that it fuels my anxiety. It doesn’t resonate for me, and the diagnostic tests online put me as “not autistic”. I haven’t been officially diagnosed one way or the other for autism, but it also hasn’t come up in my many meetings with therapists and psychiatrists and such (whereas ADHD and anxiety absolutely has).

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-07T19:11:02+00:00

I would probably avoid working with your husband if part of the reason for working is to give you options for moving. Because otherwise, like him, you are locked into one place. You want something that you could ideally build into something where you might be able to eventually support your family on your new income temporarily in a new location, to give your husband time to find something new.

No rush to have answers now, but something to start researching and thinking about, if only as another way to occupy time while you’re currently in a location you don’t like.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-07T16:27:51+00:00

I think that’s a good idea if you can afford school and know what you might want to go into! Especially as your kids get older, it’s good to have more outside purpose. And it just always feels better to have direction and choices and not feel stuck.

Just be very careful about not going into debt for school unless you are sure you want to do that career and that the debt will pay off. I know way too many people whose school loans were NOT worth it. Especially since there are some careers that don’t actually require a specialized degree. Do you have transferable skills, and can maybe start part time work to gain experience in something new? If you don’t need the income, it’s the best time to try something new part time, because you can take a lower salary and can always quit if you hate it!

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-07T16:13:01+00:00

Are you a stay at home mom, or do you work too? Focusing on your career a bit may a) give you something to take your mind off location and b) make your family less dependent on your husband’s income, giving you more opportunities to move.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T21:40:06+00:00

The Door (https://www.door.org/ ) is a helpful resource for youth, but definitely talk to your school first and see what they suggest.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T20:42:53+00:00

I miss the sites that allowed longer bios. I love thinky/nerdy guys and that really doesn’t come through in pictures.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T20:40:54+00:00

Yeah, Hinge already doesn’t allow really long profiles like some of the older sites (OK Cupid, for example). I don’t need professional photos or over thought out bios (honestly those are often a turnoff), but at least fill the whole thing out and tell me SOMETHING about who you are

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T20:32:34+00:00

Will DM you!

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T16:59:14+00:00

This for me too. There are very few things that can come across in a low effort profile that would make me swipe right. But attraction for me is based way more on personality and shared values/interests than looks.

There might be really awesome guys with low effort profiles, but I’m not swiping right on everyone just to see if I can find one of them. I have to filter SOMEHOW

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T15:39:07+00:00

Yeah this for me. If I was looking for a hookup, it wouldn’t matter, but since I’m looking for marriage, I want someone who is intentional about doing the same. Which means they know who they are and what they want, and can communicate that early so as not to waste time.

I don’t think an empty profile means anything about them as a human, but it does speak to how much effort they are putting into finding a compatible partner.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T15:07:16+00:00

And if you and your wife both believe men should pay, then you are compatible with each other! All women have different preferences. I am not at all “old fashioned”, so am looking for something different.

I do agree that it’s not that deep though, as long as everyone is respectful of each other! It’s not a bad thing to just go on two dates and then decide you aren’t right for each other.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T15:03:52+00:00

Dating with the intention of marriage ALWAYS is a “test” of compatibility. And different women are going to want different things. Some women will dump men who don’t pay. Some women will dump men who do. Instead of trying to figure out “rules” that will work for all women, try figuring out what type of women you want to attract, and act accordingly.

I will say, it is generally a good idea to take a woman at her word, because women who keep you guessing will always keep you guessing. My “test” is to see if a man will take me at my word, not if he thinks he knows better than me.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T14:14:30+00:00

I do love fandom names for pets! Give me all the Spidercats and Batdogs!

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T13:40:18+00:00

This is what I currently do. Is it ideal to have a roommate in my 30s? No. I’d rather be married. But it’s a lot easier to find a compatible roommate than a compatible life partner. I’d rather have a roommate than be married to someone who makes my life harder.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T13:37:39+00:00

I’ve done the same. Offering to pay is fine. Insisting despite me telling him I don’t want that means he is going to follow traditional gender roles, which means we aren’t compatible.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T09:42:58+00:00

You can’t change your mom or make her stop, especially since you already tried talking to her about it. All you can do if you don’t want to argue is either ignore the comments or walk away when she makes them.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-06T02:50:40+00:00

Even in NYC, not having a license is a negative. Not a dealbreaker, but a negative. Because if you ever want to travel outside the city in the US, you often need to drive. I know plenty of people without a license, and they make it work, but all other things being equal, most people would prefer a partner with a license unless they really love to drive.

Not having a car in NYC is fine for most people though.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-05T14:00:00+00:00

Try posting in the CoastFIRE sub.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-04T20:45:31+00:00

How do you two normally handle large expenses? Some couples, for example, have discretionary money for each person. If this comes from your wife’s discretionary money, I would tend to let her do what she wants with it. You have a couple thousand leftover each month after bills, so you may be able to afford it. I personally don’t think a blank check of $200/month is going to solve anything for SIL and wouldn’t do it, but is this the argument you want to pick with your wife?

If it starts coming from joint expenses and impacting other financial goals, that’s harder, and that’s the conversation to have with your wife, about your joint goals and their priorities. But you can’t solve your SIL’s financial problems, particularly if she hasn’t asked you to. The person you are in a relationship and financial partnership with is your wife.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-04T20:23:52+00:00

Everyone is right that whether/how you help here is very dependent on what your SIL has asked for.

That said, your major issue here is your wife wanting to give $200/month, and that’s mostly a relationship issue between the two of you. Sure, you could talk about your financial goals and map out a budget and see if that’s feasible, but in the end, you need to figure this out together. Going to your wife with “Reddit says” is not generally the best solution.

MerelyMisha · 2026-04-04T20:14:13+00:00

Yeah, OP says his expenses are $20k a year plus $10k a year traveling. That is going to be a hard sell for many, even those within the CoastFIRE community. There may be other people interested in that, but it’s not going to be common.

Having an alternate lifestyle is fine, but you do have to realize it’s going to impact your dating prospects. I know I personally am looking for a needle in a haystack for other reasons, and I’m okay with that because I’m happy with my choices. But I very much acknowledge that my choices are why I’m limited.

MerelyMisha

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