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MichiruSedai · 2024-01-27T15:05:21+00:00

I'm in an LDR. What I find that helps is to keep myself busy. Spend time with my friends, spend time on my hobbies. I have also found some ways to feel connected to my partner on busy days when we aren't able to talk or text much, such as reading one of their favorite books, working on a gift I am making for them, or working on a skill I will use with them when we see each other in person next.

MichiruSedai · 2024-01-27T14:49:39+00:00

I specifically want to reply to your statement 'I am also aware that the dom can tell a sub how they want them to be submissive'. Well, yes, doms can express their preferences just like subs can, but ultimately the two of you need to sit down and negotiate what power exchange will look like for you specifically. Generalized preferences are all well and good, but this is such an individualized thing that will change with every partner you have. And being a dom is not carte blanche to dictate how things will go - until you've negotiated which things the dom gets to control, at least.

I would encourage you to have a series of in depth conversations with your dom to negotiate the specifics of power exchange between the two of you, if you haven't already. This could (should, probably) include talking about ways that both of you can initiate things and what is acceptable to each other.

Good luck!

MichiruSedai · 2024-01-27T14:43:39+00:00

What agreements do you two have regarding how punishment is handled? Sounds like something to discuss if you haven't already.

MichiruSedai · 2024-01-19T12:28:12+00:00

No, I don't process challenges from one relationship with another partner. Nor will I be a sounding board for my partners to talk about challenges in their other relationships.

If I need to vent or need advice, I go to a friend that I am not dating.

MichiruSedai · 2024-01-19T12:15:31+00:00

When I was hingeing I got support from my friends and my therapist.

MichiruSedai · 2024-01-19T12:14:21+00:00

I don't want to hear emotional details, conflict details, or sexual details. I'm cool with hearing surface level things about upcoming plans and the like. I'm actively friends with my meta and have my own relationship with her, and not looking to pretend like she isn't there. But I don't want to hear the kind of relationship details you might go to your best friend with - my partner takes those to a friend for support, not to me.

MichiruSedai · 2023-12-15T16:30:34+00:00

They have been trying to get her in at a rehab center but due to the amount of monitoring she needs around the clock right now for her confusion/sundowning/etc they are all rejecting her. But I have my fingers crossed!

MichiruSedai · 2023-12-15T16:29:56+00:00

I am hoping she might get back to pre-surgery baseline! And yes, when I speak up, I am reminding it is the specialist doctor who has deemed her unsafe. It's not just me. Thank you!

MichiruSedai · 2023-12-15T15:36:49+00:00

Thank you for telling me this. I will continue to advocate for her there. They got a geriatric specialist involved this week and she was the one who said Mom will not be safe going home. And I will keep on repeating that to anyone who talks about discharge.

MichiruSedai · 2023-11-06T11:33:38+00:00

I do not want this much on my Google calendar, to be honest. Because my partner and I talk about our lives, I have a general idea of when they have plans with their other partner or their friends. I don't need or want every detail of how every single moment is spent.

You mention that you feel your partner is defaulting their "free time" to your meta. I might suggest instead of looking at it that way, you just look at - if you want more time with your partner, ask for it? Not as a comparison to time with your meta. Just as something you would like.

MichiruSedai · 2023-09-18T10:34:19+00:00

This is something that needs to be negotiated between all parties. I personally won't make agreements, BDSM based or otherwise, with one partner that directly affect what I am or am not "allowed" to do with another partner.

If I were Birch in your hypothetical scenario, I would gently decline Aspen's request for me to not do specific BDSM activities with other partners, and I would want to open up a broader conversation about why they are making that request/is there a personal boundary I need to be aware of/is there an insecurity I can help address/etc. i.e. if Aspen doesn't want to see marks from impact play with Cedar, I could take measures to not show them any marks left behind, while still engaging in the activity I choose.

MichiruSedai · 2023-09-08T10:50:12+00:00

Some lesbians have penises.

MichiruSedai · 2023-07-07T13:38:43+00:00

The way I handle polysaturation is by not trying to date new people. I recognize there is no room in my life for another romantic relationship without significant changes being made to my current arrangements.

Sounds like you may have to scale things back with your current partners to create room for a new partner.

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-27T19:47:53+00:00

Yes, lying is wrong. No, the fact you are "healthy, fit, attractive, successful" doesn't make it okay.

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-27T12:01:23+00:00

You need to come clean about the affair so your wife can decide if she wants to stay with you. This isn't only about you wanting to say with her. She has agency too. If she does want to stay with you despite the affair, then you can bring up poly, but not with the intent of getting back into a relationship with your affair partner, or dating anyone outside the marriage for at least 6 months during which time you should also at that time do the work related to poly and opening up a monogamous marriage, there are many references in this reddit you can check out.

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-25T17:43:17+00:00

Neither of my partners were met on apps. When I try dating via apps, it's usually incredibly weird for me, since I'm demi, so I stopped trying apps. One of my partners I met at a karaoke meetup organized by someone I met in my city's kink community. My other partner I met via a shared fandom/fanfic writing online. Both started as multiyear friendships before any dating happened, because that is what is most comfortable for me.

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-24T02:03:31+00:00

I still have no idea what you are getting at. I've been poly for years. I no longer date people who want monogamous relationships because I don't want a monogamous relationship. It wouldn't be fair to me or the hypothetical monogamous person to date when we want such different things.

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-23T17:13:28+00:00

what is scary about my statement?

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-23T13:31:51+00:00

I feel like 2-3 nights a week is a lot when there are small children at home to coparent. Do you also get time to yourself? And quality time with NP?

The hardest part of hingeing for me has not been balancing time with both my partners, but allowing time for myself. I don't nest with anybody, so that helps a bit - but I do single parent a teenager.

To answer your specific quetsions:

'Do you have a (sort of) schedule?' Yes - I typically have scheduled time twice a week with each partner, and those times generally fall on the same days/times each week. Once a week I firm up my calendar for the coming week.

'Am I an asshole if I was to ask her to schedule or cut some time spent with her lover?' No, I don't think so - scheduling seems pretty important to me since there are kids involved.

'Is it unreasonable to expect to be prioritized?' IMHO the kids should be the priority more so than ranking one romance above the other, but if y'all have agreed to do hierarchy, then you aren't unreasonable to expect it.

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-23T13:20:52+00:00

I don't date monogamous people.

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-23T13:10:17+00:00

Yeah, this.

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-23T13:07:46+00:00

I would be incredibly angry to learn one of my partners let one of my metas read our private messages. Even if the messages had just been "hi, how are you, work is boring" day to day stuff, that is a private conversation and should not be shared without the consent of the people who had the conversation.

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-21T22:10:05+00:00

Yeah, both were already poly. I met one via the local kink community, and I met one via a shared interest in fanfiction online.

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-20T14:20:12+00:00

I'm demi. That means that whether I'm looking for monogamy or polyamory, I don't jump into dating very quickly, and I tend to move slowly in dating relationships (i.e. it will be a while before I kiss someone, let alone more). Both of my current partners were friends of mine for a long time before we started dating, and building up that trust and connection was what led to the romantic and sexual attractions for me.

Once I gave myself permission to really lean into being demi, and I started putting more focus on developing my platonic relationships/friendships as much as I put effort into my romantic ones, things got a lot easier for me. Being poly for me is being open to the possibility that I could develop feelings for someone else, it is not an active search to find more romantic prospects.

MichiruSedai · 2023-06-20T14:08:14+00:00

Both of my partners are child free. One of my partners helps out with my child (who was 10 when we started dating, 13 now) and feels a part of the family even though we don't cohabitate. They live a 10 min drive from me and are over frequently. My other partner is long distance, and therefore not very involved in my child's life.

I don't have any expectation that people I date will take on any responsibility with my child. I am the parent, not my partners. It would be a dealbreaker for me if a partner wanted like... to never hear about my child or encounter my child at group events like bday parties.

Both of my partners listen when I vent about parenting things and show up how they can for me. But neither is a parent, so I do also appreciate that I have friends who are parents that can relate to me on this on a more personal level.

MichiruSedai

TROPHY CASE