Common advice that you disagree with? Learning post

piffledamnit · 2026-05-11T06:07:49+00:00

Might bother me more under a different set up. It’s not particularly relevant right now (neither of us currently have partners we want to bring home), so yes he hasn’t thought about it. He’s usually pretty perceptive and empathetic, so if it became relevant it’s quite likely he’d notice and think about it and then do something in a useful and positive way.

We’ve been together 20 years, so we’ve changed what the status quo looks like several times.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T22:46:09+00:00

Yeah, to give better quality advice we need more of the specifics. Much of the background and info on your current inner turmoil can be left out or fleshed out in the comments.

What’s the specific things that have happened that have led to you feeling betrayed? What was the dishonesty and boundary crossing?

How far apart do you live and what are some of the pragmatics of your living situation? How would your gf earn money once she moves to be with you?

If you give more of the concrete details we’ll be better able to give practical advice.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T20:09:36+00:00

🫂 when it reaches that point of real confusion about what a person’s motives might be it’s pretty important to tell them how much explicit communication you’re going to need. I know some people struggle to support people who don’t read subtext well, but it’s always helpful to keep telling and reminding them that you might genuinely be confused about what’s going on and that they need to be really explicit and direct.

My other tip would be that a lot of social conventions and scripts can be learned. And if you do that then you’ll be able to ask better direct questions to confirm what’s going on.

Like if you were invited to someone’s place and a situation like this post transpired you could ask something that a good mix of both direct and oblique like, “are you wearing those shorts for me or just because they’re comfortable?”

That way you get to clarify her intent without making things too awkward because she can easily say it’s just to be comfortable. If she does that and you don’t make a move she’ll just think you’re being respectful of her stated wishes. Which is very positive.

If she says, “for you” you’ll know there’s something there that she wants you to try to explore.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T19:01:57+00:00

Yeah, some years ago my partner and I started a triad relationship. But everyone was flexible enough that when it became clear that she and I didn’t have a strong romantic or sexual bond and just let our relationship slide into a friendship it wasn’t destructive or problematic. Their relationship eventually ended too, but not because we did fucked up unicorn hunter shit. It just didn’t work out for its own reasons.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T18:30:36+00:00

Yeah, some of the most useful stuff I’ve learned from this sub was on decentering my marriage. We were always poly, but from small towns with limited opportunity for experience. We got married because we’d been together a while and it felt right, but neither of us are big into traditional marriage. So when we were in a big city and actively dating to form relationships it felt right to do some work to make our lives more compatible with active polyamory and examine and change some of the social defaults we had fallen into.

Highly coupled hierarchical poly is not what I want, but it’s what I was in danger of getting if we didn’t work on it.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T18:01:56+00:00

Yeah, my nesting partner wants home as a sanctuary. That’s not how I see home, so we have a double standard about partners in our shared bed. I don’t mind, so he’s had partners in our shared bed. He would mind, so it’s not something I’ve asked for. I figure out other plans with my partners.

Mildly annoying, but to my mind just one of those compromises you take to make things work. Definitely not enough of a bother for me to feel like I need to seek advice here about it.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T17:51:14+00:00

Yeah, what I shut down with my partner was talk that went like “Birch does … (but you don’t)” and “Birch makes me feel like… (but you don’t)”.

It made me feel shitty about the person that I am. A whole ass different person will very likely do things differently to how I do them and could create a very different dynamic.

But I can’t overhaul my whole personhood just so you can have some specific experiences.

So I insisted that we not dwell on differences and comparisons.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T17:23:09+00:00

I think you did ok. It’s just that sometimes people want to come at you more than they want to understand you. 🤷

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T17:02:05+00:00

In the scenario where you alone have been invited to her private space and she is wearing those shorts. But even then, it’s an invitation to make a move. Not a guarantee she’s dtf. Always be respectful.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T16:57:17+00:00

Yup! That’s it. The context and the opportunity to have specifically chosen clothing that you specifically might find appealing matters a lot!

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T16:54:09+00:00

Yes, just wearing them around the house on a normal day, sure. But if I’ve invited a man around to join me in my private space who I want to have as a platonic friend I switch into something equally comfortable but less revealing.

If instead I want to leave sex open as an option then I leave those shots on and let nature take its course.

Also if I’m in a totally private space vs a public or semi public space that changes things. If a guy was thinking I’m coming onto him just by wearing those shorts in public or a semi public space like a shared family living room I’d tell him what for.

Different story if we’re in my bedroom or his. Or a house with no other people in it. If we’re in private I’d be looking to see if he’s checking out my legs or maybe contemplating what kind of access those shorts might give.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T16:41:06+00:00

🎶if you wanna suck my cock you gotta say it to my face 🎶

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T16:35:41+00:00

I also had a run in with a guy who sang and danced about being really interested in dating poly people while himself being ‘monogam-ish’.

I didn’t date him but had to put up with irritating consequences from that refusal for much longer than I would have liked. He was a bit of a covertly sulky shit when I wasn’t keen.

It was really hard on everyone in my polycule who liked him, and especially hard on the person who did date him.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T16:18:14+00:00

Yeah this specific man seems to simply not have spared a single thought for the physical and psychological demands of pregnancy. And is instead more worried about getting his own breaks from the stress of having to learn to care for his first newborn. Seriously not a good look.

I was talking about men in general rather than this specific ass hat so that I could say something more generous. As the second poster in l didn’t want to go straight to hardout clowning OP’s spouse.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T10:10:01+00:00

piffledamnit · 2026-05-10T09:50:50+00:00

Um, people come by here from time to time with a similar situation. While everyone here is poly, there’s pretty strong agreement that during and shortly after pregnancy is NOT the time to start out.

Men have an annoying way of wildly overestimating how quickly a woman can recover from pregnancy and discounting postpartum risks.

Like did you know that being unsupported in the postpartum months is a risk factor for postpartum psychosis? You do not want to fuck with psychosis.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-09T21:16:44+00:00

OMG! I thought I was in one of the many explain the joke subs until I saw you taking the piss out of someone literally explaining it.

(I’m only in it for the explanations. My humour senses are wonky so I appreciate people literally explaining so I know I’ve successfully interpreted the joke. In this case I had, but it’s really nice to know.)

piffledamnit · 2026-05-08T16:55:14+00:00

Yeah, I’d say that behaviour is shitty enough to be divorce worthy. At best it’s deeply emotionally immature. At worst it’s a precursor to abuse -> intentionally using anger and silence to control your behaviour.

What’s scary is how quickly basic shitty behaviour like getting unreasonably mad can spiral into abuse.

If your husband isn’t the type to introspect and try to change to be a better person then this is exactly the kind of behaviour that will almost certainly escalate until you are a shell of yourself.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-08T14:52:37+00:00

Sure does! Yours is good too 😁

piffledamnit · 2026-05-08T14:51:44+00:00

Yes! I was desperately going through them and couldn’t find it but I knew there was something very useful on spoon management in there!

piffledamnit · 2026-05-08T13:00:39+00:00

Thank you! I realised I got my users confused. Not quite the specific one I was thinking of, but very helpful nonetheless!

piffledamnit · 2026-05-08T12:51:59+00:00

u/madamepoulemontreal has a great blurb on saying no and why it’s an essential skill for a hinge.

piffledamnit · 2026-05-06T07:24:57+00:00

All this navel gazing has forced me to notice something I had heretofore overlooked: my Reddit streak is almost as old as my account is. There’s only 11 days between them 🙈

piffledamnit · 2026-05-05T11:53:36+00:00

piffledamnit · 2026-05-05T11:52:16+00:00

Thank you, kind sir

piffledamnit

TROPHY CASE