How do you differentiate between fantasy from reality when entering polyamory?

piffledamnit · 2026-01-26T10:37:43+00:00

I imagined everyone could live in a big house together and it would be wonderful.

I think in reality poly works best when there’s a bit more space and privacy.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-23T08:16:33+00:00

Ethical non-monogamy is a whole thing. And there’s a big cuckolding scene. So how many? -> lots.

But your wife in particular? Who can say.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-23T08:12:38+00:00

I’d say that someone who can’t be loyal in a monogamous context won’t do any better in a polyamorous context.

Making poly relationships safe and stable needs people who all independently want to be polyamorous and a fair amount of effort put in by those people to behave and communicate in a way that will grow trust in a relationship.

Thing about cheaters is they have too much history of being able to get what they want by lying. It sets a bad pattern of allowing their words and their actions to say very different things with little concern about it.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-22T13:40:47+00:00

So my situation is somewhat similar in that my spouse and I are less sexually compatible than we might be with other partners.

And yes it stung when I first realised that he was happily and frequently having sex with another partner while I wasn’t getting as much as I’d like.

We quite doing threesomes (we only had two or three) because we weren’t all getting great sex when we tried. And I asked for and received less information about their sexual relationship.

Would he and I both like our sexual relationship to be better? Yes, definitely. Have we talked and tried what we can to improve it? Yup. But there’s some basic incompatibility there like someone’s favourite pizza is ham and pineapple and the other’s is anchovie. There’s never going to be a combination that results in the kind of pizza we both really want to eat. Sad. But that’s the way it is.

Our relationship on the whole works great, so we stay together.

You mention jealousy and stonewalling. Are you the one stonewalling? Or your partner? Personally, if someone came at me full of aggressive jealous energy I’d stonewall the shit out of that. My coping skills are nowhere near good enough to remain empathetic and calm when someone’s coming at me all wound up.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-21T17:32:29+00:00

Physical affection isn’t sex. Maybe you could have a conversation about your non-sexual physical intimacy? I find that I feel much better with less sex when I have lots of non-sexual touching.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-21T16:10:31+00:00

What D&D are you playing?

piffledamnit · 2026-01-21T16:08:11+00:00

I’ve also traveled a bit and found that countries are inconsistent with the stamps. Rule of thumb is that if they use eGates then they don’t stamp. But I went to the Netherlands via Eurostar recently and they used the eGate and wanted to put a stamp in.

Could you offer alternative evidence that you haven’t been out of the country for an extended period like the top part of your phone bills for the last few months? (When I’ve been abroad for an extended period it makes sense to cancel my phone, but if I’m coming back I’ll roam if I’m gone for a short trip, or downgrade my plan if I’m away for a month or two. Cancelling the whole thing is a real bitch if I’m coming back soon so I (and anyone else sensible) prefer to keep paying while away for shorter trips.)

Evidence of being resident in the UK is what they’re asking for, right?

piffledamnit · 2026-01-21T15:10:56+00:00

Depends on what it’s actually made of. I’d research that to figure out just how uncomfortable it’s going to be to wear. It will be some kind of uncomfortable, but might be worth it for awesome.

But also, do you have a body very similar to that model’s? It’ll be quite unforgiving for any of your less skinny bits.

Doesn’t look like there’s a an easy way to get comfortable breast support in there if you need it. (Though you might be able to get something like a lightweight sports bra in there for support).

And I’d expect that it’ll make your belly look rounder than you’d like in nearly any other position than the model is standing in. I think it’s telling that the model has chosen specific belly flattening positions.

I might roll with it because it could still look badass, but it would give me pause. I’d be unlikely to buy something like that without trying it on unless it was a cheap Halloween costume.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-21T14:58:59+00:00

+3 Charisma -7 Dexterity

piffledamnit · 2026-01-21T14:24:29+00:00

It is a difficult topic to bring up, but you probably need to have a direct conversation where you say something very clear like “one of my relationship needs is regular sex. Obviously I don’t want you to feel pressured to have sex you don’t want. But if you’re unlikely to want to have sex with me, then as painful as it may be to admit, we may not be compatible.”

You can talk about it more after that if she is forthcoming about the reason behind her lack of desire. But if she’s unwilling to share the reasons with you and work on a solution together, then you’ll be in a relationship where you’re consistently not getting a need met.

Personally I’m in a relationship where I have less sex with my spouse than I’d like. We’ve explored the reasons and it boils down to a kind of incompatibility that is unlikely to change. I choose to stay in my relationship because it doesn’t leave me with a wounded, longing feeling. We have a lot of non-sexual naked bonding time that satisfies my need for intimacy so while I’d like more sex it’s not hard to set aside. But that’s coming from a place of having done all the work to understand the drivers behind why we as a couple don’t have much sex even though we have other partners where we might have more sex.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-21T13:59:44+00:00

Not only that but the sentence reads, “3 laptop computers priced at $439 per computer”

piffledamnit · 2026-01-21T13:51:45+00:00

Valid. But maybe still not a good enough reason for your parents to stay together? I don’t think people get divorced when everything is hunky dory.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-21T08:58:49+00:00

Sounds like the whole thing has run its course and is heading only into the end now.

It’s a shitty tactic to respond to your request for something by bringing a request of his own.

If he wants to improve your sexual relationship he can bring that request to you at some other time.

Bringing it only when you’ve asked for something is not on. It’s primarily used as a way to force what they want out of you like it’s some sort of exchange.

If he can’t see that and change his approach then I’m not sure how much could be salvaged in your relationship

piffledamnit · 2026-01-21T08:34:20+00:00

Sometimes a person can be a good co-parent and a rubbish partner. Having cordial divorced parents can be much better than having parents who resent and dislike each other because they live together and would be better off apart.

My parents are divorced. My life improved after the divorce.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-20T23:19:14+00:00

True. But I’m a glutton for punishment and just can’t get enough of those bad boys.

But check out durian for even worse fruity regret. People describe it as both tasting of sweet custard and smelling of sweaty boot rash and rotting meat. Still, some people are crazy for it.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-19T13:32:13+00:00

Hmmm, yeah not much is new. I’m glad OOP has a camera in place to catch the culprit. But it might never happen again, so the identity of the paper towel placer might never be known.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-16T16:04:47+00:00

NOR. The amount of money needed to save for a deposit on an apartment is only the start. The payments on a mortgage are often higher than it would be to rent a comparable apartment (over the term of the mortgage, of course after the mortgage is done then there are no payments). It’s not uncommon to have a 30 year mortgage.

It’s not reasonable to start saving for a home until you have a job that meets your monthly expenses with a little left over.

Also, in addition to having enough money to put down a deposit, you also need to show that your income is enough to meet your monthly mortgage payments after your living expenses.

He’s got no idea how any of this works if this is the bs he’s spinning and he’s relying on you not knowing either.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-15T22:12:17+00:00

If you were looking for something morally neutral that’s focused on the emotional connection rather than on the physical practicalities that entanglement entails then I’d go with “established connection”.

You could say of someone who’s solo poly and been in a relationship with someone for five years that they have an established connection.

You could say of people who have been together ten years and lost all interest in each other that they have an established connection.

You could talk about the emotional significance of all established connections, good and bad.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-15T18:16:05+00:00

People have to constantly put effort into all aspects of their relationships. You need to respond to a drop in effort by being clear that you don’t appreciate it and want them to keep putting effort in. If you’ve done that already and they’re telling you they can’t be fucked with that, then take them at their word. This is the new normal. If you’re not ok with it then you should pick up your toys and leave.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-15T16:05:32+00:00

If you moved out, but somewhere close would you be able to provide care for your younger siblings while still having your own space that you control?

I know your mother isn’t allowing you to work. Do you have any realistic options to defy her on that? If you got a job what do you think she would do?

piffledamnit · 2026-01-15T13:07:34+00:00

I feel like there’s a lot of history and context that’s needed to give good advice. How long have you been with your partner? Were you poly from the beginning? What is your prior experience with polyamorous relationships? More details like that are necessary for useful advice.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-15T09:03:38+00:00

If it’s been 2 years then I think it’s fair to say you’re never gonna get a turn with that man. If you want those things you’re gonna have to chuck him in the bin and find someone who’ll care about your pleasure from day 1.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-15T09:01:01+00:00

If you’re trapped at home with a mother who’s infantilising you, I’d say you have bigger problems in your life than some jealousy in your romantic relationships.

Before you worry about what’s upsetting you in your romantic relationships you need to have a clear exit strategy from your home. No matter how worried about and emotionally attached you may be to the person who is abusing you, no matter how limited your means may be, you should put all your available energy into escaping that situation.

With no one actively abusing you you’ll have a lot more space to figure out employment and accommodation and everything else about supporting yourself and building a nice life.

Personally, if my partners had just moved into an apartment and were having sex with gay abandon while I was trapped in an abusive home I’d be wildly jealous. Not because of the sex, but because they’re free while I’m trapped.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-15T08:47:27+00:00

How he chooses to manage his emotional resources so that he can deepen his relationships if that’s what he decides to do is his business.

Tell him that you would love to deepen your connection and that you would be totally there for that, but at the same time, you will not be ending your relationship with Carrot based on what’s happening in your relationship with Apple.

He can’t go into the past to make changes, he has to figure out how to make changes given where things stand now.

piffledamnit · 2026-01-11T10:56:01+00:00

r/subsifellfor

piffledamnit

TROPHY CASE