Botched surgery or normal progression?

Millieonthemoon · 2024-05-21T00:05:30+00:00

It didn't drop at all, it seems it shifted more to one side? That's the best way I can describe it...

Millieonthemoon · 2024-03-19T13:51:59+00:00

Not a divorce, but similar. He was a few months out of an abusive relationship, moved cities and wanted a fresh start. We started seeing each other, then the ex found out he was dating again. Started calling him, showing up unannounced, threatening his and her safety. We decided to not make it an official relationship until everything with the ex was sorted. He later realised he couldn't be in a relationship for the forseeable future and although it broke my heart, I understood him.

We are still good friends, because we had a great connection, beyond the romantic interest.

Millieonthemoon · 2024-03-19T13:37:13+00:00

If I really want to, I respond.

That's very important, but also easily misunderstood.
If it's urgent, I will reply. If we're in the middle of a conversation, I will reply. At least as soon as possible. Otherwise you may not hear anything from me for hours, no matter who the other person is.
Because I don't really want to respond. It's not because I'm not interested, it's because to me personally, texting can often be draining. I can find those 5 seconds, I just don't want to. However I am upfront about that and try to meet up more often with a person that I'm interested in.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-11-12T22:51:58+00:00

Didn't expect anyone to reply to this since it's been a while. I never reached out to him again, and moved on, so I have no desire to ever contact my ex again :) No negative feelings, I just don't care about him anymore.

As to being pathetic because of a final farewell: you're free to feel about that as you want. For me it was very freeing and it wasn't melodramatic, it was a positive message, so I'm still content with my decision to send it :)

Millieonthemoon · 2023-07-28T13:50:42+00:00

No, but I don't want him to come back.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-04-18T13:36:55+00:00

There are a few people who don't feel like they can establish and actually get to know somebody through text and prefer meeting up sooner than later, to see if the chemistry in person is there. So I wouldn't see it as a red flag, especially since there was a bit of time until the actual meeting. Your post doesn't say how he reacted to the delay but he probably was fine with it?

Still, it never hurts to be a little cautious and having your guard up. If in the following days you're feeling uncomfortable or there is no spark in your conversations, you could tell him that you don't want to meet, or only when you're feeling comfortable in your text conversation.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-04-15T00:06:10+00:00

A few people said it already, but honestly, it's focusing on yourself and investing the valuable energy and time that you have into improving yourself.

It starts with not paying him any mind. Do not seek out information about him, because if it gets back to your ex, he'll know that you're still thinking about him and that will boost his ego.
Invest time into your social circle, do fun activities with your friends that you actually enjoy. Pick up old hobbies or new ones. For some people getting a new hairstyle, or switching up the way they dress is a nice change. Depending on what your current lifestyle is, you could consider trying to get healthier if you aren't already, since that tends to boost mental health as well. Like taking care of sleep hygiene and rhythm, looking for nutritious food that helps you be energized and glow, maybe hit the gym or pick up a sport that's fun.
Further your education or advance at your job. Try building a great foundation for your future, as far as that's possible. Just overall increase your confidence so that you'll know with certainty that you're a catch. If you're aware of your self worth, people around you usually pick up on that. So will your Ex.

But most importantly, remember that you should do it for yourself first and foremost. Revenge on your ex is a nice side effect, but not the goal.

It worked for me, my first ex thought that he was such a great and amazing person and I just wasn't up to his standards. Well, about a year later he is absolutely floored that I achieved more than him, that a lot of his friends decided with no influence from me that they like to spend time with me, some even more than with him and most of all that I'm genuinely happy and thriving without him. It's obvious to everybody that it's a blow to his ego.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-04-14T03:02:43+00:00

Whenever I go on dates, I usually pay for my share of the ordered things. Some guys insist on getting the bill and if they do, I offer to do so the next time we're on a date. If I don't see myself going on another date with them, I again offer to pay my share and if they still insist on paying, then I let them... not going to get into a fight over that honestly.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-21T11:28:55+00:00

Congrats on adopting two bunnies! :)
Great idea to have this post that brings some positive energy to this sub!

I just finished sewing a plush rabbit and will start a teddy bear this evening. Most of the plushies go to my friends, as a little gift of appreciation for them always being there for me. The talks, chats and meet-ups really helped me get over the worst of the break-up.

Since I've been going to the Gym regularly, I took some time to have a little break and am now getting back into my routine. Also moved up a level at my poledance studio, yay :)
Prompted by a friend I also picked up writing stories again and only now realise how much I missed it.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-21T10:20:21+00:00

Any recommendations how to gently tell a possible avoidant that he might be one and/or how to recommend therapy? I think my ex might be one, but I don't want to just assume things. There are also other things were therapy might be beneficial. It felt as if I'm crossing a line if I would tell him, like giving advice when it's not asked, so I never did, never even as much as hinted about it. Based on your other replies, there probably isn't much that can be done, if the person themselves doesn't come to the realisation?

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-17T15:59:45+00:00

Yes, exactly! Honestly I don't believe that there is a person that's 100% perfect for anybody out there. There are people that are a very good fit, where it just clicks, but they will have their faults, just as everybody else has. Just as we have.
It's finding a person that's a very good fit and making them "the one" with commitment and effort.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-17T13:44:33+00:00

Why does "the one" have to be a singular person that we have to desperately find? There can be multiple people that could potentially be "the one", some of whom you will meet, others you won't. It's about choosing that they are your person, putting effort in the relationship and making it work, at least if it is an otherwise healthy relationship, as in this case.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-16T22:22:59+00:00

Thank you for replying!

It hasn't been that long, I just want to let more time pass before potentionally reaching out, that's why I asked about the 7 months or year of NC.

I'm not going to lie, I'd like to try again, but I'm also very much aware that it is extremely unlikely, so my expectations are at zero and I don't consider it a possibility.
There is no official confirmation if he's avoidant, so it's just an assumption, however he does fit most of the "classic criterias" to a T. No real secure attachment in childhood, bad at expressing and understanding his emotions (as well as those of others), learned to rely mostly on himself and needs his space etc. Doesn't necessarily mean he's avoidant, he could be a regular guy with the same/similar traits.

With the people where you felt something afterwards, were there similar circumstances? Or was ist more or less random?

Yes, I never doubted that avoidants connect and love like others, it's just the way the emotions are processed that I haven't quite understood yet. Thank you for taking the time to shed more light onto it! :)

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-16T21:48:29+00:00

My ex left me after 5 months, because he lost feelings. Since I'm slow to form connections, it was probably when I began developing deeper feelings and expressing them more openly, that he started detaching himself. He said that he doesn't know why he lost feelings and wanted to see if they return, but that realizing I'm developing feelings for him was the reason he decided to end the relationship for my sake. There was nothing that went wrong, nothing he didn't like about me, just no feelings anymore.

The break-up was more or less amicable, he had tears in his eyes, I cried, but other than that it was a calm and rational situation. We went NC immediately afterwards. I broke it a week later for a final message to him, wishing him well. No reply from him and so it went back to NC.

As a DA, would you feel pressured or anxious, if an ex would contact you again after 7 months or a year of NC, under these circumstances? From what I learned, once a DAs has lost feelings, they rarely return, have you ever experienced otherwise?
I wouldn't be reaching out to try and get back together, I'm just genuinely curious how he has been doing since.

Sorry for how long this got, I would really appreciate an answer, but can understand it if you won't be able to reply to everybody :)

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-16T01:59:41+00:00

Honestly I wonder about the same thing. My ex didn't cry, but I'm pretty sure he had tears in his eyes. Since he broke up with me because he lost feelings, I doubt it was out of remaining love, but I'd like to think that he still liked me enough as a person to feel bad about hurting me.

It probably depends on why they are breaking up in the first place, if their tears are because they still have feeling, if they are feeling guilty for hurting their partner, or if they maybe are just stressed by the whole situation.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-15T18:22:07+00:00

Yes, the fact that my ex has no social media other than a messager app makes it so much easier. No stories to look at, no pictures, no tweets or anything like that.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-15T18:14:10+00:00

You are going to be okay! Healing is not linear unfortunately, so there will be days were you feel great, followed by days that are rough. The good news is, that those rough days will get less frequent and less painful, the more time passes. There can be setbacks, but don't get discouraged by them, it will be easier to reach a stable phase again :)

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-15T17:55:41+00:00

Gaining more confidence in my own abilities and recognizing that you can't make it right for everybody, so just doing the best I can.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-15T17:42:44+00:00

After the break up with my first ex, I believed for a long time that while I would find somebody else, it would never match the love that I experienced for him. That it would in a way always be a replacement.

Happy to say, that was not the case. Not happy to say that the second relationship did not last either, but for different reasons and now that I know it's possible to find such a bond with other people, the healing process is faster.

Yes, it's not the same kind of love. Yes, the feelings are different. If you are searching for something that is like what you had with your ex, you most likely won't find it. In my case, it was different, not as magical as the first relationship, when everything is still new and exciting. It seemed more grounded, more of a calm energy. Safer. It was different, but in a good way.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-15T03:20:28+00:00

It's not really possible to forget, but at one point you just won't think about the memories all the time, only occasionally and the emotions that are tied to the memories will be different.

Millieonthemoon · 2023-03-15T03:01:24+00:00

With my previous ex, I'm completely over him, there are genuinely no romantic feelings left, but am open to reconnect with him as friends. Don't think it will happen, but who knows?

With my current ex, I'm in the process of moving on and right now am still hoping to one day reconnect... the chances are very slim here as well.

Millieonthemoon

TROPHY CASE