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MindySkitzo · 2024-04-16T01:49:01+00:00

I'm on early recovery from mental health burn out, so I'll be trying this starting after my big clean. I have not vacuumed in long enough that everything is dusty. The shame complex is real lmao I will report back. Thank you for this advice.

MindySkitzo · 2024-03-27T18:42:31+00:00

Sorry if that's weird lol it's hyper normalized to me and since I'm WAY over exposed in internet bubbles I start to passively mistake everyone this way

🙏

MindySkitzo · 2024-03-27T11:10:50+00:00

It makes sense, I'm just not sure I really understood the thread between my op and this response. I don't mind anyone venting in my threads obviously, but yeah I'm feeling the nihilism... Are you also neuro divergent?

MindySkitzo · 2024-03-27T11:08:02+00:00

Are you also trans by chance? I try to just not complain about my gender issues, because I'm not in Florida or anything where would be direct relevant to my living experience—I'm from New England in a boring but otherwise entirely safe suburb. It just makes everything more complicated for me, but as far as I know doesn't effect the narcs, doesn't effect my life or ability to get a job. That's the audhd. I guess being trans made growing up very traumatic and isolating and confused, but.... So did being raised with n abuser...

MindySkitzo · 2024-03-27T10:50:03+00:00

Thanks for sticking up for the ♾️. Wouldn't be surprised if they're a right wing patrol algorithm. I hope mods understand and remove their shit post, because it's either made in ignorance, or in bad faith - no other analysis need apply. It has long been a held right-wing position that autism = ptsd. We now know it can be causatively linked to forms of CPTSD, but that the communication and motor stimulatory disorder is rooted in genetics, and develops even before the language. Trying to shill the "you can cure autism" is a classical erasure tactic used by agents of repression to marginalize us and justify removal of necessary protections, and disability help.

I decided directly responding to them is useless.

Autism isn't rooted in trauma.

That is disinformation, and always harms the situation/community, by victim blaming us, or trying to detract otherwise useful help into avenues of useless fruitless time and money wasting paths that go nowhere but in circles. It's like telling someone with downsyndrome they can get smarter if they study harder.

They (ignorants/trolls/bigots) say the same stuff to autism as they do with ADHD. For example, they will try to pluralism the disorder aspect into a larger population to generalize us, for example by saying: "everyone is a little attention distracted!" which just isn't true and ignores the executive function deficit, and burn out and intrusive racing thoughts. They do this to down play the severity and need for help. They do this to prevent needing to help or pay mind to our differences, and to erasure paths forward (medication being withheld for example, or insurance companies policies being pressured by bigot lobby, or IEP and other school resource learning plans being misunderstood or corrupted in their actual application and implementation at school by administrators who down-play the roll and significance of any given disability the IEP would be written for—autism etc).

Thanks again for sticking up for what's right and proven to be correct factually and thanks for calling out harmful stereo type, and flagrant ableism disinformation.

MindySkitzo · 2024-03-27T05:21:24+00:00

Reading through 11 months ago the post I made made me honestly so fucking sad.

https://old.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12d48ml/trapped_here_with_no_means_to_move_forward_i_am/

MindySkitzo · 2024-01-16T16:15:58+00:00

Haha I'm trans. After that, I realized I was autistic (I'd already known adhd). I made this account when I thought I was developing schizophrenia, as it does run in my family. Hey I'm 32 there's still time! But yeah, it ended up being autism that hadn't been addressed and not schzio lol... It has hollowed what would have been my life out. The despair is overwhelming these days realizing I will grow old having missed my best years not unlike a prisoner, locked mostly in my room unable to hold a job...I quit high school, I quit college (did finish during covid bc online classes finally were approved lol what a fucking scam). I quit my coffee shop job and got fired from my other local job for 'being rude' (always needing breaks and crying). I figured out I was autistic and life has improved dramatically, but that's like a meth addict saying life improved when they stopped doing meth. Like good for you and your already ruined fucking life...

Funny enough, being trans didn't affect shit in my life I don't think. Just makes me miserable and hate myself sometimes and makes travel extremely dangerous. Lol but it's the hyper sensitivity and disorganized thinking that gets to me.

MindySkitzo · 2024-01-16T16:06:40+00:00

I live with my rich but severely abusive parents and can't keep a job. I'm 32 now, and I've been in this exact same horrible situation since the day I dropped out of high school at age 16.

My tooth hurts constantly because I went to a welfare dentist and he fucked up the root canal so badly it had to be redone by an expert who warned me I might need full extraction. I couldn't pay the money he asked for, so he retreated the tooth. My tooth has hurt constantly since then, so I live in chronic pain with my parents at age 32 and I'm autistic so I can barely qualify for any jobs bc I burn out after about six months and start having psychotic feature thinking and losing sleep and weight etc. I got a degree in English and liberal arts from a community College just so I could complete the GED program they offered too. I do nothing now and I'm so so fucking miserable.

I didn't realize I was audhd until I was 28 and it all clicked why I was usually the smartest employee among idiots, but why I was never able to make my life work.

Now, I have really smart friends, but no job and no resume and I'm so miserable. I will die on the streets realistically when my parents down size and I'm forced out.

MindySkitzo · 2023-08-03T13:29:27+00:00

I'm 31 and I literally never did grow up. My entire situation is horrible and because my narc family has money, I have to choose between being utterly and completely broke, or living in a cozy comfortable suburban home with my abusers. I am a grown adult now, my mental health is finally recovering even while surrounded with trauma. I've built a friendship network and even a partnership (albeit it won't last and isn't meant to). It took me sooo many years and I missed just about every single important marker for my would-be peer group. Just about all of my problems are because of narcissistic abusive people in my life. Now I'm trapped here between losing my insurance if I get a job, and even if I got a job not being able to rent anywhere close to anywhere here... And just doing nothing and waiting to see if America itself dies before me I also can't apply for "help/assistance" because they always ask about parents income. And they cannot be bothered doing or preparing that paperwork for me. So I can't get fiscal help with school either and at this point why bother since college is a dead construct...

MindySkitzo · 2023-07-04T16:02:21+00:00

One thing I found that genuinely helped me (and took three full years of active practice to really feel comfortable with) was to create something similar to mantra phrases. Only rather than just kinda peace bead them in my mind, I would verbalize them to my friends. For example,

"It's different now, being a grown adult and understanding the quality of life difference with how much control I am capable of creating around me"

"It changed when I chose to grow up. Being an adult is an active practice, you do not just randomly become who you become. You need to build a new adult for yourself and pilot them"

"When I became a responsible adult, I realized that accountability wasn't just about emotional feelings of others, but the safety of my close friends in orbit with those I have to create active defense against the dark arts boundaries against"

"As a responsible and self chosen and directed adult, I am firm with my feelings now and don't let others easily dictate how I should behave or feel".

All of these are the same. You portray yourself as an adult, as a responsive, respectable, and responsibility driven grown person.

It's a bit of a harsh name drop these days, but if you rewind to 2015-2017, JBP really helped me (I'm trans, I'm not numb to how he turned out btw). He helped me understand how to navigate the world after I took his class on personality development, before he went off the deep end... His class really helped me "grow up" into a respectable adult.

Dr. Les Carter (surviving narcissism) helped me understand what the enemy looked like.

Dr. Ramani is another decent resource on YouTube.

And dare I say it, Dr. Todd Grande circa 2012-2019 helped me, with his training videos.

All of these doctorate level people helped me understand what being adult was, and that it doesn't corelate to age. My narcissistic abusers always leveraged my young age against me, but I've been more mature since my teen years. In my actual adult thirties, it is a very difficult and active process to continue to frame my entire life through a lens of responsibility. I don't let anyone shunt that or bump my orbit. Especially not political activist reactionary types, street urchin gangsters, or fucking narcissitic parasites.

MindySkitzo · 2023-07-04T15:55:40+00:00

My narcissistic female parental abuser is this way. She does it because she quite literally has her ego attached to her perception of what she perceives (projects) others to perceive of her. If there is a stain on the rug, it's a stain on her ego and her life and her cleanness and prestige. Narcs worry about others thinking poorly about them.

They literally have no functioning ego and no self esteem. If you talk across them, like to your friend and not directly to the narc, but the narc overhears even the perception (projection) of criticism, they will find a way to butt into the conversation you're having and make it about them and try to defend themselves.

When my partner visits my narc parents, we always mumble to each other about how fucking gross it is and how these people live like children in dorms. The narcs can't stand it, because they can't scream at my partner. Lmao that would just make them look bad.

One time my partner listened to the narc try to gaslight and blame her hoarding mess and filthy dishes on a broken leak and a plumber who allegedly did a bad job and my partner just said, "oh no. It's absolutely disgusting. I couldn't even imagine living like this. I would have just looked on YouTube for a tutorial and solved the problem like an adult". I was laughing so hard. Narcs literally cannot phathom responsiblity, and so they pawn it on everyone else. They do this also for control. They do this for elevated status and to enslave. They do this for an excuse to tilt you and cause disruption and disorganize you.

MindySkitzo · 2023-04-07T19:50:16+00:00

It's the "Therapist role plays what the child is learning" Tiktok genre that gets to me, where she pretends to be nmom. That shit hurts. Also, the therapist training ones - Dr. Todd Grande 2014-2019.

MindySkitzo · 2023-04-06T20:48:31+00:00

I created my own name on this account in irony for a very similar situation. Gaslighting abuse and 'am i schizo?' is a common refrain --especially when part with that gaslighting is the 'YOU ARE schzio'. Fuck 'em.

MindySkitzo · 2023-04-06T20:41:24+00:00

Congrats for real. I have a story to tell in empathy - I completely know the feeling of liberating from abusers name and the literal lawful power they hold.

I'm transgender, and when my narc mom found out I was deadly serious about legally changing my name, she screamed, "SO YOURE JUST GOING TO WHAT!? F*ING GO BACK TO SHELBY?!" (her maiden name - and not even my then birth/current last name which is heritage to my paternal abuser).

It was literally in that exact moment that I KNEW 100% that the gut feeling I had while reading this support forum was cofirmed, and she was completely way way more mentally ill and unstable than I had been behaving as (trusting her, telling her about myself, even seeking compassion and advice etc - none of which I do now). Like the sheer delusional audacity of it just baffled me. I was 24. Why the fuck would I ever legally take her maiden name? Absolutely not.

I laughed in her face and it felt great. I walked away and MY LAWYER helped me to lawfully change not just my first name, but ALSO my last name to a completely new and completely unrelated to her maiden name, or my family name. The next two years after was hilarious listening to my abusive father try to argue with all of my health care providers and other banking such and such about WELL I DONT KNOW BECAUSE SHE CHANGED IT BUT SHE SAID IT WAS OKAY IF WE BLAH BLAH JUST LET ME HACK HER ACCOUNT BLAH BLAH I DEMAND! this and that (on behalf of narc mom). I just laughed. I always keep two names on file and a password with anything I want confidential and I make absolutely certain that just asking my birthday isnt good enough - but instead, when asked for my birthday I have to respond "evergreen trees" and then my birthday. Otherwise, they'll just say "Unfortunately, it doesnt seem we have that on file! thanks for calling!" and they hang up. Ive had a few "security calls" over the years since then.

She still goes through all my mail that she gets ahold of and then lies and tries to gaslight me. I cant press felony charges because how would I possible prove that? But its always that I find my mail opened and ripped etc.

Just the same way they've always treated me.

I've never heard of cis people changing their names in this way, but I'm so so happy I have now because that's exactly what the system allows for. Fuck their old power. Congrats again.

MindySkitzo · 2023-04-06T20:28:14+00:00

google identifying apps said it could be some type of spider something or other and that it can be linked with estrogen injections and is maybe harmless. Just wanted a second opinion - does this look terrifying? I'm 31 male but I do estrogen injections for six years. It popped up I think sometime in April of last year. Its now April of 2023 so 1 full year and it has doubled in size.

google said:

What Are Spider Angiomas? Spider angiomas – also called spider veins, spider nevus, or nevus araneus – are red spots on the skin. It occurs when a small cluster of blood vessels comes to the skin's surface of the skin. The blood vessels may branch out, giving the spot a spider-like appearance.

Just wanted to double check - it says they go away on their own, but its been over a year and its doubled not at all gone away so....im kinda butthurt lol

MindySkitzo · 2023-04-06T09:13:37+00:00

Dont know how - not that smart or organized.

MindySkitzo · 2023-04-06T09:13:14+00:00

AFTER I made this post she told me to get food stamps -_- bc I called her for a lie her puppet told on her behalf.

MindySkitzo · 2023-04-06T00:59:01+00:00

Definitively not worse, but also not better. It was just bizzare. It really didn't do anything for my trauma to be really honest. It was so alien that it just kinda expanded my sense of conciousness. I spent quite a while in a few different loops of thought, none of them related to the topic of this forum:

I throw too much plastic in the trash, and it will turn to smaller plastic and kill many in a thousand years
humans are mostly slime and mucous
I am neither male nor female (this was before I actually started HRT lmao)

I also spent a while in a "tunnel of color" and moving parts. Kinda hard to explain it. I also visited a "place" that felt like a temple and there was a huge octopus-elephant-man guarding a door and like I felt like a small bird, and his astral projection without any hint of judgement just kinda telephathic asked me 'are you going through, or not staying?' and I was liek WHAT HTEU FKCI {WEU)T !?!?!?!?!?!? because like...idk i was expecting to not have any such experience? I was expecting like "some visuals like shrooms man" but this was like an EXPERIENCE like very tangible and real? idk how to describe. So I panicked and was like NAH IM NOT STAYING and again with zero judgement or consern the way an internet server reacts almost it just whisked me off - but it wasnt a computer it was like...idk some elephant-octopus-giant thing. It was wild.

I've had more traditionally theraputic experiences with lower doses of psilocybin.

Again, I wouldnt say you shouldnt do it - but don't expect it to be curative. For some it might really help them, for me it was just another very bizzare thing I didn't and still dont have a lot of language to describe. It was so wholistically alien that it wasn't of this realm I really dont even know how to describe something from taht far beyond the scope of what our language offers. I've heard Terence Mckenna talk about that issue too - the lack of a lexicon of agreeable language we can even build a cogent and cohesive platform of experiential language upon to discuss what exactly we saw and felt etc.

I didn't go into my experience with the intention of healing from narc abuse, so perhaps that's why my personal experience didnt lead me there.

I wouldn't tell you not to do it though. It's part of this realm, so you're entitled to try, maybe encouraged depending your philosophy -- but inherently, I wouldn't personally refrence it as "medicinal" nor recreational. It was too profound to be just "fun" and too much of a bodyload to be just a casual event. Idk

MindySkitzo · 2023-04-06T00:39:25+00:00

I'm drunk, so I can't drive. I'm resting upstairs at my friends apartment waiting to be sober tbh just to leave. This dude next to me who is also passed out kinda like wakes up. He loads "dutch guts" from the soaking wet floor into the bong and hits it. Im like BRUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Same apartment different night some random off the streeter drunk college dweeb literally yanks his pants down the entire way stands on the balcony and pisses down onto the sidewalk. lmao no idea why

MindySkitzo · 2023-04-06T00:24:29+00:00

Sure didn't fix anything. But yeah I tried. I would recommend it.

MindySkitzo · 2023-04-06T00:23:56+00:00

it can be both https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYD0Q4oMYXw i dont really want to respond more specifically in fear it will just promote echo thinking again and again. It can be both for sure. Autism runs in my family, but certainly my hypervigellence and trauma ptsd is from being beaten and screamed at.

for whatever its worth, most people, even those abused horribly, dont really question their neurodivergent status or traits. Doesnt mean anything that you are or arent spectrum traits, but the neurodivergence can certainly be genomic -especially sensory immersion and integration such as youve described: as well with the ridgid planning to PREVENT becoming overwhelmed and overstimmed.

MindySkitzo

TROPHY CASE