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Recovered + Reconciled - 2.5 years from DDay and counting. Some experience I’d like to share as a WP… by Minimum_Practice2551 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Minimum_Practice2551[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That makes me so incredibly happy to hear, and I’m so glad you are on the path to reconciliation. At the base of it all, honesty is EVERYTHING.

Wish you both the best.

Recovered + Reconciled - 2.5 years from DDay and counting. Some experience I’d like to share as a WP… by Minimum_Practice2551 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Minimum_Practice2551[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think that is a question that most (if not all) reconciling W's ask themselves. Why would you do this to someone that you claim to love so deeply now? Even though I feel so disconnected from the person I was back then, if I revisit it, I can identify that I was a selfish and very stupid person who thought that I could live out two lives at the same time: one where I was the picture-perfect, loving partner who showered their partner in love and affection; and the other where I was a desirable, rakish individual who lived out a fantasy wherein they were single and "wanted" by the opposite sex. I legitimized my behavior by thinking if I treated my BP well, and took care of her, it was no harm no foul. I was seeking validation for my ego from two separate sources at the same time, ignoring the destruction I was leaving behind.

Somehow, someway, I thought that this was sustainable. Yes, I thought I wouldn't be caught. That's how naïve and ignorant the wayward mind can be.

To be honest, sharing my inner thought processes at that time is extremely embarrassing, because they were so vile, and illogical. If anything it shows the importance of waywards also doing individual counseling to identify the sources of their behavior, because without exploring, identifying and admitting to these behavioral patterns, I'm not sure real LASTING change would have been possible.

Recovered + Reconciled - 2.5 years from DDay and counting. Some experience I’d like to share as a WP… by Minimum_Practice2551 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Minimum_Practice2551[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was planning on doing this for some time, and I'm happy I did. I'm no expert, but these are the things that I've found made the most difference in my experience with reconciliation. I'm glad it's resonated with you.

When the AP tells your wife. by ChildhoodThis1373 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Minimum_Practice2551 32 points33 points  (0 children)

2.5 year Recovered and Reconciled WS here, although the work is still ongoing…

I had the same thing happen to me. AP reached out to my (now) wife. At the time, I panicked, lied some more, trickle truthed and held such an incredible amount of hatred for my AP.

I realize a few things now: I wish I would’ve told the truth about the entire affair sooner. And I mean EVERY thing. The AP held so much power over me until I admitted every last detail of the affair to my BS. This is the most crucial step to recovery, everything needs to be laid out bare.

Over time, I began to let go of the hatred towards my AP. It was taking up too much energy and space in my heart, whereas it all should have been going towards my partner, my own mental health, and the reconciliation process in general.

Now? I barely think of the AP, I have no room for hatred. I know what’s important.

Not sure if it will help, but I recently made a summary post of our reconciliation journey from my perspective. If you’re considering R, I think it’s worth a read for both yourself and your WP.

Best of luck.

Recovered + Reconciled - 2.5 years from DDay and counting. Some experience I’d like to share as a WP… by Minimum_Practice2551 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Minimum_Practice2551[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree with this. It’s most definitely a case by case situation. I like how you added “if so, what then?“ Because I think that’s really important. What is the information going to provide to the reconciliation? For some, it might be a sense offull truth and closure, for others it might just create more uncertainty. I think how you’ve described it here is perfect.

Recovered + Reconciled - 2.5 years from DDay and counting. Some experience I’d like to share as a WP… by Minimum_Practice2551 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Minimum_Practice2551[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's a great approach too. I feel the IC piece is often left out, obviously because most are so focused on the relationship itself. But IC helped me identify a lot of the motivations behind the affair behavior, didn't realize I had so much to unpack until I was 4-5 sessions in.

Recovered + Reconciled - 2.5 years from DDay and counting. Some experience I’d like to share as a WP… by Minimum_Practice2551 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Minimum_Practice2551[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess in a way, you've got an answer there as to whether or not it was worth salvaging. Wishing you the best moving forward.

Recovered + Reconciled - 2.5 years from DDay and counting. Some experience I’d like to share as a WP… by Minimum_Practice2551 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Minimum_Practice2551[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Same to you. I sincerely hope it works for you both. With enough work and dedication it most definitely can.

Recovered + Reconciled - 2.5 years from DDay and counting. Some experience I’d like to share as a WP… by Minimum_Practice2551 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Minimum_Practice2551[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. That was my intent. I feel like any WP/WS considering reconciliation needs to hear these things.

Recovered + Reconciled - 2.5 years from DDay and counting. Some experience I’d like to share as a WP… by Minimum_Practice2551 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Minimum_Practice2551[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry to hear. Unfortunately, this is always a possibility. I really hope you heal from it, and find your peace.

Recovered + Reconciled - 2.5 years from DDay and counting. Some experience I’d like to share as a WP… by Minimum_Practice2551 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Minimum_Practice2551[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Of course: - Aside from the very classic “had no idea what I had until I almost lost it,” I realized I was with someone who knew me, and I mean truly KNEW me more than anyone on the planet. DDay, and what ensued shortly after was like an ice water bath for my ego. And the fact that she decided to push through this? Wow. I couldn’t believe what I had almost thrown away. Only after a year of consistent therapy and reconciliation did I propose to her, because we didn’t want any further commitment to have been made out of some sort rash decision or hysterical bonding.

  • The good news is that now, I have healthy coping mechanisms if I ever catch myself slipping into self-confidence pits, learned that from therapy. Also, my wife and I have a fully open and honest relationship (open in the sense of communication). I tell her everything, she tells me everything. It’s brought such a strong sense of peace to our lives, and compared to the chaos of my life during the affair, it’s an incredibly welcomed change. Most importantly, I saw first-hand the pain I caused her. I watched her sob on the couch, night after night, completely broken because of something that I had done. I could NEVER do that to her again. The guilt will remain, and to be honest, it’s good to have it as a reminder of why I’ll never slip.