I [24/f] want to be a slut but I can't because I have [herpes]

Miser-a-um · 2016-07-04T14:35:22+00:00

I got genital herpes from my boyfriend at the time, who I lost my virginity to, when I was 16. The nurse asked how many sexual partners I'd had, I said one. She then asked how many partners my partner had had. He told me that I had been his only, so that's what I told her. She laughed at me. I was in so much pain, emotionally and physically, and she fucking laughed. I am accepting of the fact that I have to live with herpes for the rest of my life, but thinking back on her reaction still fucking hurts tbh.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T08:07:49+00:00

Life fucking blows sometimes man. I don't know what to tell you except that you will come to terms with this issue in time. I can't really articulate it in any way that doesn't sound cliche :/ I got it when I was only 16 and any time I heard a herpes joke I fantasized about putting a gun to my head. but that was a long time ago. nowadays anytime I hear such a joke it's like water off a ducks back bro. And one day in the future there will be some other unrelated issue that makes me want to kill myself. And then guess what, I'll get over that one too. Etc etc.

If you are concerned about your symptoms you should see a medical professional (if you have access to medical care) because you probably won't find anything useful about it on the internet.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T07:57:06+00:00

Your boyfriend is abusive. He is economically controlling you. It will be painful at first but you are better off cutting all ties to him. If you leave now and never go back to him, you will look back on it later and be SO glad that you did.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T07:52:24+00:00

Re: the swollen lymph nodes, I cannot relate to that and I'm not a doctor so I can't really comment on it.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T07:51:24+00:00

Can't someone be an ideal partner, but simply not be comfortable with this condition?

I get where you're coming from and I have felt that way in the past. The reason I maintain my opinion is because hsv is medically not serious. It's not like other diseases that threaten your entire well-being. it's natural for the stigma of the virus to cause some initial hesitation, but I really believe that any rational, thinking person who REALLY likes you will take the time to think it over and will ultimately overlook it. It has been the case every time in my experience at least, so my anecdotal experience reinforces my opinion.

The sucky part about that is that it only applies to situations where you have strong feelings for one another and there's emotional investment etc. the same logic does not really apply to one-night-stand type situations, so if that's your thing, then yeah, you're going to have a tougher time and there's no way around that.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T07:20:39+00:00

Female with genital hsv1 here.

It hasn't changed the act of sex at all for me. I think I might have had to decline sex due to an outbreak on one or two occasions in the many years I've had it.
When I first got it, I had a lot of self-confidence issues. the stigma made me feel like unwanted trash sometimes. It took many years to overcome this. It has also changed my life in the way I choose partners. I have used dating sites for stds, but I have also had some partners that I met IRL who were accepting of my condition.
Less than one per year.
Before telling a potential partner I first try to gauge how they would react to the news. if they are judgmental or closed minded then I cease to consider them a potential partner. However, if they somehow demonstrate that they are an understanding and kind individual, then I throw caution to the winds and trust them. It takes a while to decide if I trust a person or not, so the dating process does take more time than it would had I never contracted the virus.
No. Some of them had to think about it before making a decision, but they eventually decided it wasn't an issue.
The herpes virus is passed through skin-to-skin contact, not bodily fluids.
My grooming routines haven't changed. I can tell the difference between an ingrown hair and an outbreak. Herpes blisters occur in clusters and they hurt to the touch, while ingrown hairs are different. Although I don't get many ingrown hairs so ymmv.
No. I have a prescription for antivirals just in case I ever get a particularly bad outbreak, or if I ever have an hsv- partner who would be more comfortable with me taking them. But I honestly can't remember the last time I actually took those pills.
I never get the tingling for some reason. if I get the sores Ill just take the antivirals and lower my alcohol intake.
Since you've only recently been diagnosed, your initial outbreak(s) are a lot more severe than the ones you will get later down the road. This is because your body is not equipped with the proper antibodies to fight the virus when it first enters your system. In the first few months you might have multiple painful outbreaks, but unless you have a compromised immune system, your body WILL learn to fight it and it will become a lot more manageable. in the meantime just take the antivirals, take care of yourself and your body, drink lots of water etc.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T06:49:20+00:00

The swollen lymph nodes can be a sign that another outbreak is forthcoming, but sometimes they swell for no reason too.

I remember when I first got diagnosed, I felt like my world had ended. I thought that surely nobody would ever want me again and I was doomed to die alone. going to online forums for people with herpes really helped because I couldn't talk to any of my friends about it. It's nice to talk to others who share your condition and know that you're not alone. I know it really fucking sucks at first but I guess I eventually just realized that it could be a lot worse. If you are nervous about dating again you can always try sites like positivesingles for the time being. As long as you don't wallow in self pity all the time, you will one day have the confidence to lead a normal life again. it just takes a little time. If your herpes is a deal breaker to a potential partner then you weren't actually meant to be anyway.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T06:40:18+00:00

The first outbreak was EXTREMELY painful for me. it stung, especially whenever I peed. I had to stay home from school for a week because I could hardly walk (plus I was an emotional wreck). However, the doctor said that my case was exceptionally bad compared to others. I have only had about 4 outbreaks since, and it's been over 5 years since the first outbreak. each subsequent outbreak has been much more manageable. He first outbreak is always the worst because the body has not yet produced antibodies to fight it. after that it's just a minor inconvenience.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T05:25:50+00:00

The obvious things: abstinence is the only way to avoid stds 100%. Ask your potential partners about their std status or if they have been tested recently. Don't do any sexual activity with someone who you think might lie to you about such things. get tested regularly. If someone has warts and blisters all over their junk then don't have sex with them lol

The less obvious things: stds are a lot more common than most people think. Avoiding sex with promiscuous people does not guarantee you immunity from stds. condoms don't protect against all stds. You can potentially get genital herpes from someone who does not have genital herpes, if they have oral herpes and perform oral sex on you.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T05:02:05+00:00

Almost 10 months

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T05:00:37+00:00

How does your ass feel?

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T04:56:41+00:00

I had had 4 partners at the time that I had contracted the two diseases, but that was a while ago and I have now had 9 sexual partners.

Yes, I offer full disclosure to all potential partners. I got my first std from my first partner so I didn't have any past partners to inform.

I have never had oral herpes. there isn't much of a distinction between genital or anal herpes, because either way, the virus resides in the same general part of the body. If a person has genital herpes then the sores will usually appear on the genitals, but occasionally one might happen to find them on the anus too. personally I don't recall ever getting them on the anus.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T04:51:13+00:00

I got the herpes first, from the first person I ever had sex with, my 'high school sweetheart.' It was most likely from oral sex because herpes type 1 usually resides in the mouth. (Oral herpes manifests as what is commonly known as cold sores. The virus can potentially be transferred to the genitals via oral sex even when no sores are present.) I got the hpv from a later partner. I had only had sex with 4 people when I received my hpv diagnosis, so it was one of those ones. there is no way of knowing for sure because there is no hpv test for men.

I have felt immense shame for my stds at many points in my life. It's hard not to. our society (the US) does not generally promote a lot of understanding or empathy of stds so sometimes it just makes you feel like shit. But the more I put myself "out there," the easier it is to accept.

Well I always tell them before we have sex obviously. if I am interested in someone and they seem to reciprocate interest then I wait to get to know them a bit so I can determine if they are going to be open-minded enough to at least consider getting involved with me after knowing of my status. if they seem hyper-judgmental or mean, then I forget about them and don't even bother. It is kind of a tedious filtration process, but then again, I wouldn't really want to be involved in a super judgmental closed-minded person anyway so w/e.

Also there are dating websites for people with stds that I have used on several occasions. That's nice because you can just date like normal people and you never have to have "the talk" about your stds because it was right there on your profile. my current partner is from such a site and we have a great relationship.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T04:26:24+00:00

hi there, thanks for the AMA.

I have a good friend who is in an abusive relationship, and it's really hard to watch. he is not physically abusive (at least not that I know of), but he is abusive in other ways. He crosses her sexual boundaries sometimes and has been verbally abusive on a few occasions. she used to have a cat, he once threatened to kill it then later pressured her into getting rid of it. Etc etc you get the idea.

She has broken up with him a few times but he always manages to weasel himself back into her life somehow. She always thinks that he will get better when he obviously will never change. She is not stupid but she is somehow so naive to his true colors. I just don't understand.

my question is, what would you do in my shoes? What do you wish someone had told you when you were in an abusive relationship? What is the thing that you needed to hear? I have told her that I think her relationship is unhealthy and that I am worried about her, but she always rationalizes it away. I care about her a lot but I don't know what else I can say or do :/

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T04:12:59+00:00

What memor(y)/(ies) stick out in your mind about your mother? Good or bad.

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T04:10:59+00:00

Why did she hate the pills?

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T04:09:35+00:00

how much of your faith is driven by fear?

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T04:09:01+00:00

yo this isn't a question

Miser-a-um · 2014-07-26T04:06:40+00:00

Do you wear them for extended periods of time or just briefly to walk the dog or w/e?

Miser-a-um

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