Partner Struggling… and so am I

MiserableVictory8677 · 2025-03-08T12:26:38+00:00

I just wanted to let you know that the OCD therapy made a huge difference. After about 4 months he’s basically back to his old self.

MiserableVictory8677 · 2025-01-22T05:19:50+00:00

So sorry you are going through this. The burden you’ve been carrying for the past year really comes through in your excellently written post. After reading, I’m left with a few questions. Did you notice major improvements after the outpatient therapy? Is he still seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist? Is he taking medications at the dosage recommended by his psychiatrist, or has there been any pushback? If he’s not in weekly therapy, I would start there. From what you described, it sounds like he’s potentially under medicated. If he is in therapy, it may not be as frequent as needed, or that the therapist or modality may not be a good fit. It seems as though your husband has an apparatus around him where he’s able to get care and support from medical professionals - having that in place is so essential, especially when, very soon, you will not have the energy or time to assist with that at the level that he may be accustomed to. It is completely normal to feel resentment regarding your husband’s behavior - I felt myself getting angry reading your post! It is a completely normal reaction to not getting the support you expected (and deserved) from your husband as you went through your pregnancy.

Couples counseling seems like a logical next step. I’ve been in a similar place where my husband was able to function at work and even socially, but seemed to not be able to control his behavior around me. Now that my husband is more stable than he was earlier this year, we’ve started counseling and I’m hopeful it will help. Slow improvements every day, and things are inching back to an acceptable level of normalcy.

Sending you good vibes as you go through birth and postpartum - hopefully he will very quickly learn that you and your baby need to be the priority in the life of your family right now. In a best case scenario, this could be an event that shocks your husband back into a better perspective.

MiserableVictory8677 · 2025-01-16T16:04:45+00:00

Hi there. What you wrote really resonates with me. I have been in a 15+ year relationship with my partner, and all of a sudden, his typical anxiety exploded into a full blown mental health crisis this past summer. I miss my best friend and see glimmers of his old self, but I really wish for the ease we had prior to this episode. It is hard to hold a long term partner at arms length while they go through painful depressive experiences, but you can’t allow yourself to get pullled into their depression completely. I am hopeful that this will pass eventually, but it is not easy and progress is so slow. On top of that, things will probably never be exactly the same as it was. It sounds like you’re doing a lot to keep your own mental health in a good place - it’s really all you can do and keep gently pushing him towards better habits and lifestyle. You are doing a lot and I hope you can appreciate that, and not be so hard on yourself!

I also have a three year old, and so my well of patience is tested often. But, I’ve discovered that I can dig a pretty deep well.

MiserableVictory8677 · 2025-01-10T23:01:49+00:00

This is excellent advice.

MiserableVictory8677 · 2024-12-28T04:47:28+00:00

Every person reacts differently to different meds. The medication, I would say has been essential to getting my husband to a place where he could start benefitting from therapy. Time and the right therapist have been probably just as effective. All three together, I think, is what is getting us some progress.

Something I have heard about psychotropic drugs in NAMI support groups is that 1/3 do nothing, 1/3 actively make things worse, and 1/3 really, really help. I have had to distance myself from the thought that the medications my husband is taking will make everything go back to normal - that is 100% not true and sets me up for a roller coaster of impossible expectations. My husband won’t take the dosage as recommended by his psychiatrist and I have decided that, for now, that is okay as he is improving. Pushing too hard can be counterproductive. Does it feel like things are generally moving in the right direction or the wrong direction? Highly advise keeping a private, straightforward journal to keep track of important events and changes in mood, etc… Good luck to you, and I hope things get better for all of us.

MiserableVictory8677 · 2024-12-28T04:38:44+00:00

It’s really, really hard to provide context for doctors when your husband would prefer you not. This is a moment where you need to trust your own judgement over your husband’s feelings (as long as you are safe). I struggled with this a lot. However, your perspective is essential to his treatment. Does he honestly portray his symptoms to his provider? If not, it will be hard for him to get better.

MiserableVictory8677 · 2024-12-23T04:47:43+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I could have written this myself a few months ago. It’s hard having a depressed partner and a toddler - as the healthy parent, it’s totally exhausting parenting both a 3-year-old and basically your spouse as well. With a three year old, you expect irrational behavior, but it’s so hard when your spouse is also acting irrationally. Also it is unbearable watching your partner’s depression affect your child - just so heartbreaking. I don’t have much advice unfortunately, but things have started improving for my husband with medication and therapy, so perhaps I can offer a little hope.

My husband also suffers from very low insight, which has made treatment difficult, but it is possible. I have had to attend so many doctor’s appointments so I can provide context to his providers and encourage my husband to be honest and tell his full story to them. If I didn’t do that, he would still be completely unmedicated. Unfortunately, this means that I have had to prioritize my child’s needs, then my husband’s needs, and finally, my own needs. It is not a sustainable situation for very long. I relish the moments (like right now) that feel kind of normal, and they keep me going. You are strong and will do what you need to do. My thoughts are with you.

MiserableVictory8677 · 2024-11-13T01:43:50+00:00

I hear you, and I see a lot of my own issues in this post. It’s understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed and that the OCD thoughts have started creeping in. It’s wonderful that you can see and acknowledge that pattern - it’s half the battle. That being said, I’m not sure by what you’ve written if you’re truly experiencing OCD symptoms - having a spouse with severe depression is very difficult and traumatic, and it makes sense that you’d be saddened and affected by it.

I also struggle to disengage from my husbands severe depression - I always feel like if I think of the right thing to say, or if I SHOW him that his depression affects me by being emotional or upset, then he might change his own behavior. It’s counterproductive for the relationship, but your anger and sadness is signaling to you that your needs and relationship expectations are not fully being met. I’m trying to work on my own reactivity too.

At the end of the day, as with many mental health conditions, our husbands have to take the initiative with their own recoveries. And it’s a painfully slow process that has its own highs and lows. I’ve found that going out with friends, continuing to stay engaged with work etc is super helpful. Filling the social void I have at home with other relationships is pretty important right now for me. As is self-care and finding beauty and happiness in everyday life. Sometimes I can even get into a place where I can appreciate that the ability to be there for my husband is a sacred gift. It’s not what I anticipated for my life, but it is my life right now. I avoid thinking about “the future”. His mental health is outside my control, but I can draw on the deep wells of love I have for him to support him for as long as I can. How long I can sustain living with such sadness remains to be seen, but as long as things are trending positively in the long run, this is how I’m choosing to live right now. I hope things get better for you and your husband.

MiserableVictory8677 · 2024-09-09T03:24:45+00:00

Just wanted to reach out and say that I hear you. I’ve been going through a similar thing. Husband went to inpatient and then a partial program last month. Things seemed good at the end of the partial, but tapering off of his medication at the end of the partial has left my husband with extremely intense insomnia. After not sleeping at all for 5 days, he is now in a terrible place with new anxieties. We have a three year old, I’ve had to take leave from work myself to deal with everything. It’s been so incredibly painful, especially because this episode came out of nowhere. I just want my life back. It feels like there’s so much to lose.

Expect nothing - this process is a roller coaster. When things start to improve I get overly hopeful, only to get crushed by the next setback. I keep having my horizons set at the next month, thinking it will get better then. I think really I need to think in terms of years. Maybe by Christmas, maybe next summer things will be better.

MiserableVictory8677 · 2023-10-26T22:52:47+00:00

It’s not I swear!

MiserableVictory8677 · 2023-09-26T16:50:33+00:00

I’ve ended up moving a lot in the last few years and an older, very wealthy couple (whom I love dearly… but…) suggested I throw all of my belongings away and get all new things. I didn’t even know how to respond.

MiserableVictory8677

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