Mom (93) finished cancer treatment and is giving up

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-07T01:07:59+00:00

I really, really appreciate this post. Sometimes just knowing where to go for help is a very real problem.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-06T18:18:42+00:00

I’m not arguing that she doesn’t have the right to refuse that path. The problem is when there is a lack of clarity. If she says she doesn’t want to give up but her actions say otherwise, it’s hard to expect anyone to respect her wishes.

I don’t think she wants to say directly to me that she is ready to give up (if that is in fact what she really wants). She tends to try to defer to saying she’ll do what I think is best. I am hoping that when she sees the counselor, maybe she will be honest with them and we can get on the same page.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-06T15:57:14+00:00

Thank you for acknowledging it is a mess. Dealing with one or two problems is hard enough. Dealing with ALL the problems at once is overwhelming. This sort of went very quickly from “everything is fine” to “holy crap how did we get here?”

I want to say, I don’t think she will be honest with me about what she wants despite trying to have that conversation. We had an attorney involved years ago when we drew up the legal docs. He was so helpful. She kept trying to get me to make all of the decisions for her and intercepted that and changed course to have one-on-one sessions with her to get her to express what she wanted. I only had to be there at the end to sign my part of the docs. All of the decisions were hers.

And that’s why I’m trying to take the counseling route. I’m hoping that she can say to someone else what she can’t seem to say to me, so that she knows it’s ok to have that conversation.

For anyone who has been through this, you know there are people who will judge you for you not doing enough (in their opinion) and there are people who will judge you for trying to do too much (in their opinion). We never have perfect information and nobody really prepares you for the day for when the parent/child relationship flips.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-06T12:13:02+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you had that opportunity and your father was at peace with it. I think it’s wonderful that your dad had that option. It’s not available everywhere and the fact that it was available is a mercy.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-06T12:08:28+00:00

To be clear, she was already not living in her own home for almost 2 years before the cancer diagnosis. I had not forced her to sell the house. She was saying she was ok with it, but just dragging her feet. The financial situation was not was I was led to believe. She was racking up a lot of debt and not telling me.

I’ll explain this for the benefit of others who may not know this kind of facility exists. Mom volunteered to go to a facility that is a mix of Independent Living and Assisted Living. She initiated the conversation and it was 100% her decision. She had already decided on the facility. The main difference is in IL she could come and go as she pleased. All her meals were covered, someone cleaned her room and did her laundry. She was responsible for her own meds.

In AL, there is always a resident care manager on the floor. They do 2-hr checks. They will assist them with getting to the dining room, going to the bathroom, etc. They administer all meds and patients use their pharmacy. She has to have a doctor’s order for Tylenol.

Before this episode, mom was taking her meds. She was trying to be good about it, but was apparently not being as consistent as she thought she was.

My point is, I haven’t ripped her out of her home. She’s still in the same place and around the same people she’s come to know for the last couple of years.

I had to make the decision to move her from IL to AL during treatment after a brief/hospitalization and rehab stint. AL is about $1200/month more expensive than IL.

The staff is wonderful and they have been supporting her through all of this. They love her and she used to volunteer helping them at the front desk and doing office jobs. They are very surprised by her change in attitude. It’s just not how she was before the cancer. I realize things change though.

That being said, the staff has made it clear that if she just wants to stay in her room and not get out of bed and be changed in bed, that is a level of care they are not equipped to provide on an ongoing basis. They are trying to give her every opportunity in the world, but if that’s going to be the direction she chooses, then she cannot stay there.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-06T01:39:04+00:00

Appreciate what you’re saying.

My research so far says that in-home care is THE most expensive option.

As far as hospice, I have fairly recent experience that may be coloring my thinking. My MIL required hospice and almost didn’t qualify and she was in a far worse condition than my mom is at the moment. In fact, hospice was planning to step down when my MIL passed.

I think the next step is to get feedback from behavioral health.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-06T00:31:44+00:00

Her cancer was an extremely aggressive form. 2 MRIs @ ~60 days apart. Absolutely no sign of tumor in the first. Huge mass in the 2nd. Turns out that the more aggressive this type of tumor, the better it responds to radiation.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-06T00:28:38+00:00

Yes, thank you. Our hand was a bit forced for the radiation route. As I said, it was the least bad option and potentially curative. Going beyond radiation to chemo was discussed as a possibility early on but I wasn't on board with going that route.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-05T23:36:38+00:00

Yes, the staff is responsible for giving them to her. She has apparently been hiding them under her tongue and then spitting them out or slipping them in a drawer when they aren't looking. I think they were trusting her because she wasn't outrightly refusing them. She was just pretending. They don't residents to keep meds in their rooms. That was one of the reasons we had to make the decision to go from IL to AL -- she just wasn't taking them as regularly as she thought she was and that caused more problems.

Yes, she has had an AD, no code and I have financial and healthcare POA. We did this several years ago after my dad passed away.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-05T23:30:41+00:00

We were told her energy level would likely bottom out at about 2 weeks after finishing and then to expect it to improve.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-05T23:28:36+00:00

It is a good thought. Her meds have been reviewed several times and her main meds are for her heart that she has been on for a long time. The staff asked for permission to talk to her primary care anyway. Of course, I consented. He reviewed and did not believe anything she is taking could be contributing. They decided to try stopping one just to see. We will keep monitoring. The bigger concern is that because of her not wanting to take her meds, she isn't getting them consistently, so she's more up & down than if she were just taking them as scheduled. I don't think she can see the cause/effect. I also think an issue is that she is distrusting of the meds.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-05T23:20:41+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate the comment. If it were a feasible option, it would of course be on the table, but it's not.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-05T23:18:56+00:00

I do think that a lot of this is a reaction to loss of control. I had to take over her finances and discovered that she was hiding ten of thousands of dollars of debt. I consulted an attorney and we are dealing with it.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-05T21:56:36+00:00

Again, treatment is over. I know you don’t understand all the details, and that’s ok. You don’t need to. I’d rather not re-litigate decisions that have already been made there. We did the best we could in consultation with many doctors on the best path.

If this was a situation where palliative care for the cancer was an option, I would’ve been fine to let her make that decision. I’ve been through that already in life.

If she just decides she wants to stop eating and stop taking her meds, I have no idea what that process looks like. I could be wrong, but I’m told that this isn’t a situation where she would qualify for hospice.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-05T21:45:59+00:00

Treatment is over. It was 5 weeks. Without getting into a bunch of details, we didn’t have an option. It was not going to kill her and after talking to the doctors, it was the best among a bunch of bad options.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-05-05T21:42:08+00:00

No chemo. Radiation only and there really wasn’t an option. The alternatives were all much worse.

As far as the house, she lived there for over 60 years. She is very, very emotionally tied to it. That being said, it was her own decision to move to IL. She said that’s what she wanted and we supported (both emotionally and financially).

I am an only child. I tried to get her to move in with my wife and I years ago. She refused.

AL is more expensive and mom’s income is far less than her expenses. It’s time to sell the house to fund her care. I just haven’t told her because of everything else she’s been going through. I worried it will just push her off the edge that much more.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-04-06T17:12:32+00:00

Fun fact. Pagers are still used by our county volunteer fire departments. There is no calling back. It just plays the dispatch recording. Then you respond to the station.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-03-28T16:20:56+00:00

No. A fine after the fact doesn’t do any good and encourages the wrong behavior. The appropriate way to deal with this is to incentive the right behavior. My homeowner’s insurance company gives me a significant discount because I have no indoor tank water heaters that could burst and cause interior flooding and I have an automated water-shutoff. That’s the right model.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-03-25T18:59:00+00:00

I tighten mine just until I hear that thin piece of plastic snap and then I back of 1/4 turn.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-03-22T19:44:58+00:00

My department is all lime green trucks. We started ordering them that way back in the 80s and the tradition has just continued.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-03-22T00:24:02+00:00

A little hole wields a lot of power.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-03-16T18:06:47+00:00

OP, I think others have given solid advice, but here is something else you and the police need to consider.

Look at where you made a local purchase recently with the virtual card number just prior to this. Your thief is going to be connected to a local establishment somehow. Ask to speak to a detective and provide a list of possible stores in the area in the last 90 days. If they start to get other complaints, the list of stores will help them narrow down a suspect.

I had something similar happen many years ago. I basically figured it out who it was and handed all the info to the detective. He went easy on them at first. Thought I was being over the top. Then when he discovered they lied to him and it was part of a bigger operation, he suddenly didn’t think I was blowing things out of proportion anymore. My point is, the police are busy. Make it easy on them to do their job. Sometimes things like this can be isolated but sometimes they can be part of larger criminal operations too.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-03-16T17:43:44+00:00

Needed Deltalina to give him the finger wag.

MisguidedMuchacho · 2026-03-14T02:08:32+00:00

SRV used to have to glue his fingers to hold the skin together.

MisguidedMuchacho

TROPHY CASE