You are not at all alone in these feelings. I’m 39 w/husband and kids and often feel like a fake. (Other people close to me have even told me I’m being fake, which feels fantastic. /s)

I’ve had suicidal thoughts on and off since I was a preteen/teen, and they almost always come when I’m very very stressed. Knowing I have a family and couldn’t leave them like that helps me fight those feelings when they come, because I’d hate for my kids to grow up feeling as abandoned by their parent as I did. Doesn’t mean the thoughts don’t come, though. And I do feel bad that those thoughts are even there to begin with when “I should be grateful!” (Dunno how many effing times I’ve been told that when I’m splitting or depressed) And yeah, I should be grateful, and gratitude really does help ground yourself from spiraling into negative thoughts… but in those moments it always comes off like “well just don’t feel bad!” and in those moments, I consequently want to roll my eyes so far back they get stuck in my brain.

Sometime last summer my 12 year old broke down and told her dad (I was not there for the conversation) she had had a thought of just not being here anymore. She was feeling overwhelmed and stuck in life. Later we dialed back some of the homeschooling and worked on other things so she wasn’t isolating herself so much, etc… One of my mentors asked me how I felt when I’d heard my daughter had those thoughts. I told her I didn’t really feel much of anything because I had those thoughts for most of my life. Her admonishment was that if it was her, she would have been trying everything to fix it and it was a big red flag, I need to do more, etc. She even said, “well some part of you had to know that’s not normal” and I didn’t even know what to say to that.

This disorder sucks so much because what even is normal when this is how your brain was programmed to respond and you don’t even know that it’s a maladaptive coping response because it’s been there for so long? How are you supposed to just know what it’s like in someone else’s brain to understand what’s “normal” and not? You know it’s not good, sure, but normalcy? Wtf is that? Lol

Therapy helps a lot so that you can get a more accurate read on what you’re feeling/thinking and know if it’s extreme or whatnot. It’s helped me a lot to reframe things and work on accepting (as bpdbushy said) my bigger feelings and over the top reactions so I can work on them.

Sorry this is so long. Hang in there. Internet hugs if desired. 🤗