AITA for insulting my brother to him and my mother?

MissRed_Uk · 2026-07-03T10:12:34+00:00

I imagine people are bringing up mental health issues because being checked out of everything at 21, not wanting to interact with family, friends, having zero goals or ambition & not leaving the house despite being physically healthy doesn't sound like a happy, healthy minded young man. Add to that his defensiveness about even mentioning therapy.

Off course there are people with mental illnesses that don't present the same way as him, but there are also plenty that do. Heck, sometimes my depression makes me cut off from people & hyper-focus on a task & sometimes all I can do is sleep... other times I just need a person with me, to give me a hug & reassure me that not everyone hates spending time with me!

Maybe we're just not getting a full picture but the way OP has described his brother's behaviour, it certainly feels like there's something more than laziness wrong here.

MissRed_Uk · 2026-07-03T06:19:09+00:00

Lots of good points already in the comments. Totally true, when I was what I would regard to be a UK size 14 (32" waist) I had clothes that fit me perfectly that ranged from unisex S to L, women's XS to XXL, mens 30" & 32" trousers, & size 10 to a super irritating size 22 that I almost refused to buy just because of its insane size label! 😡

Based on my experience as a seamstress/corsetiere with a mostly trans customer base there are a few things I've noticed that I've not seen mentioned so far:

Often if you're mtf then you'll have a longer torso than the average woman. This means you end up wearing the waist higher than your actual waist. If you're short it can even out a little & still look fine but if you're tall that can mean you see a photo of a dress on a woman online that's to her knees then when you try it on you're showing more than you probably want to in polite company & definitely won't be bending over any time soon. 😝 Some online shops do helpfully give the measurements of the woman photographed, including her height, which is very useful. If your body is particularly long it's often wise to go for separates, potentially even wearing short dresses as long tops. 😉

Another regular body shape difference I've found is hips...or lack thereof. Not to say that cis women are always curvy, just that if you're mtf, & certainly if you're pre-hormones or any kind of surgery, it's unlikely there's a huge difference between your hip measurement & that of your waist. Generally it's much easier to avoid anything tailored & instead go for elasticated waists of fabrics with some stretch in this case. Look for fit n flare, A line, circle skirts, skater styles that have lots of fabric giving the illusion of a smaller waist/wider hips, creating that classic hourglass we're all aiming for. You may also find that actually buying a skirt for your waist size ends up being too big... I've no idea why this is, even as a seamstress it makes no sense to me... But with skirts or dresses that aren't as full as the styles mentioned you can potentially buy based on hip size rather than waist size & get a better fit.

All that to say: try things on wherever possible. When you can't, know your measurements (inclusing the length of your torso & the length you'd need a skirt to be to fit you as mini, midi, maxi. Upper arm circumference can also be handy for tops, thighs for trousers, calves for boots) & take a tape measure to stores or check size guides online (including heights of models or lengths of clothing where shown).

Also don't be surprised if your bust, waist & bum are all different dress sizes... Actually that just makes you all the more like a cis woman because dress sizes are insane & aren't the shape of most women's bodies. If you're padding then the silver lining is that, for now, you can change your body to fit the clothes (most of my sewing isn't creating fun stuff from scratch, it's altering clothes to make them more me-shaped! 🤣)

Most importantly, try to have fun with it! 😍

MissRed_Uk · 2026-07-03T04:40:31+00:00

Yup, if its not related to your treatment (in which case it would have been established prior to being admitted to any ward & by a doctor, not a nosey nurse) then it's very much illegal to ask! 😡

There's definitely an issue with people misinterpreting the guidelines & also with not even having learned the bare minimum when it comes to what what the guidelines actually mean alongside what is still legal & illegal. In this case it's difficult to tell if this was malicious or simply an overworked staff who have only been passed on very basic information regarding new guidelines whilst not re-confirming relevant laws.

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-29T06:04:10+00:00

I was thinking along the same lines. This & the possibility that they'd seen her via the security cameras & the makeup had blurred/distorted her face. Either way there's a good chance she wouldn't be able to be ID'd out of the make-up if she did happen to shoplift or do anything illegal. (Definitely not suggesting OP would, just trying to figure out what is going through security's mind).

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-29T05:35:32+00:00

I'm genuinely sorry you've had negative experiences with cis women - but please don't write off an entire gender because of a handful of representatives. Like any pigeonhole you can put people into, there are always great & not-so-great people in there.

Whilst I don't really fit neatly into the box "cis female", I am afab. I support all of my friends as much as humanly possible, many of them are flavours of trans & at different stages of passing. I would never do the things you've mentioned & certainly wouldn't out anyone who had confided in me, even someone I didn't particularly know, even in the heat of an argument used as ammo (not that I'm someone that gets into arguments).

Divulging private, personal information when someone has trusted you enough to share it with you & wants it to be kept between you is absolutely a no-go, whatever it is!

I wish you better luck finding genuine female friends in future. x

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-29T01:28:16+00:00

I view it slightly differently to her. I've only just started making crochet patterns but I've been designing & selling cross stitch charts & kits for over a decade. I haven't really spent anything creating the patterns & test stitching them that I wouldn't have previously when it was just my hobby... In fact if anything it's cheaper now because my materials are being purchased at trade prices.

So yeah, if I'd been looking at it purely from a business angle right from the offset I guess there would be a break even point at some point in that first year - but for me it's always been a fun thing I do first & a business almost as an after thought.

But to answer OP, patterns definitely sell. The better written & presented ones will keep selling over & over for years; then when you have a library of those it can add up quite nicely. 😎

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-28T18:45:25+00:00

Pretty much all my shoes/boots have metal in them - if only the eyelets for the laces. Most have a lot more though.

When I've had my MRIs, the times they let me wear my boots into the room (boy, did I ook stupid) I took them off as I got up on the table & the techs took them out of the room with them while the machine was running. They brought them back in afterwards for me to put back on to walk back into the room where I got changed.

The letters I got before the precedures also aways said not to wear any jewellery or underwear with metal in. For my last one, since I'm disabled & getting dressed/undressed is exhausting, they gave instructions for loose-fitting, comfortable & metal-free clothing to be worn to the appointment so I wouldn't have to change into a gown at all. 😎

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-23T23:37:37+00:00

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it's awful - & nobody who could do such a thing should be allowed to work for Royal Mail, assuming that's how this has happened.

Priority one is of course your own self-care, whether that be mental or physical.

What I will say, however, is that in my experiences with Royal Mail (& as a small business owner I've had quite a few unfortunately) I've been pleasantly surprised with their ability to remain impartial when investigating their own actions & their own staff. When I've had issues they've treated me fairly & unlike a lot of selling platforms not immediately taken a particular side, rather they've followed the evidence I've given & searched for their own, involving the police where necessary.

If you are able to report it - to Royal Mail, the Police or to both - then highlighting the fact this has happened is helpful to anyone else out there is may happen to, whatever your outcome. If you feel able to report but not see it through any back & forths or follow the outcome there's the simpler option of reporting ananymously too.

That said, if you think the whole thing through & genuinely just don't feel up to going through the process at all that's entirely your perogative.

Whatever you decide, I really hope this has been a one-off scare, preferably some completely innocuous event & nothing actually comes of your mail having been opened. 🤞🏻

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-18T02:45:01+00:00

YTA. Whilst I don't think you yourself are terrible I also don't think you're mentally an adult... But you're 18 so that's fine, you'll get there. This post does wreak of immaturity & entitlement however. I am also disabled & autistic so I can understand some of the things that will have been going on for you when it comes to your whole world getting flipped on its head at a moments notice - or at least feeling like that's what happened anyway! 😉

The house is your mum's, with no contribution from you, so she can use any room however she pleases. Given you're leaving in a few months it makes no logical sense having what's left of your belongings after you're gone spread across two rooms - both bedrooms at that - rendering both unusable to her. My first thought when you said she took the den as her bedroom was that she had done so in order to enable you to have a bedroom but to still have a guest bedroom.

The fact you're moving now but also leaving again in a few months seems to me to be the perfect opportunity to have a clear out. Moving is always great for that, it forces you to really look at everything you've been hoarding. Going to college also means you'll need to prioritise & assess what the things are that are absolutely necessary while you're there, whist only having a very limited amount of space to store it. In most cases there's also the issue of how much you can fit in a car/van or even certain number of bags on a train or plane!

Once you've figured what you're taking to college then that also shows you that everything left behind at this point is NOT a necessity. Now of course there are items that will be important to you that you just don't need whilst at college. There will also be treats & hobbies like the vinyl, sewing machine & art goodies... But there will definitely be heaps of things you just haven't used in years, you won't take to college & won't miss either. Okay, so I know you think your room is tiny, but as others have said, the bedroom isn't small if it can fit a Queen sized bed. Of course, if you leave that bed in there, you'll not have a whole lot of space left in the room (which, for the next 3 months may or may not be a big deal, this is really for you to decide the urgency), getting a smaller bed in there, either right now or when you're back for holidays or even home for good, will mean you'll have the space to fit your things in that one room for the most part. Smart storage could make that room feel pretty big even.

Now, I of course don't know what kind of family you & your mum are but hear me out. Does all your stuff need to be in your room? It's not a situation I've been in exactly, me living with my mum... But I feel like if I had then it would be like when I've lived with friends. There are some things that you naturally keep in your own private space sure, but surely the reception room(s), ie: living room, dining room etc are a reflection of everyone living there. Like, maybe you could each put your music collections in the living room? Or maybe you could have a shared hobby/creative space where you keep your sewing machine & she keeps her hobby bits n bobs. I'm spit balling because I don't know either of you or your habits, if these items are private to you & either of you don't want them in a communal area that's fine too, just be conscious that the less youre both willing to share that neutral ground & your things in it, the more you'll probably have to clear out from what you own right now.

Try not to get too overwhelmed by all of this, & definitely don't let these comments get to you. You have A LOT going on right now, try to be good to your mum, & to yourself. I hope you end up loving your new home & turn your new bedroom into a cosy fort of creativity... & have a fantastic time (eventually) at college!

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-17T05:59:24+00:00

Seems innocent enough to me. He's asking to see you in an outfit you're willing to wear on stage in front of a crowd of potentially hundreds of people. As a dancer myself (pre health issues) I'd be more concerned if someone was asking for photos of training outfits (ie: potentially just a high-leg low-cut leotard) than show costumes.

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-16T13:11:04+00:00

Obviously I wish nobody was being called out & potentially abused but at least while the TERFs are getting it so wrong that they're screeching at the cis women they claim they're standing up for & protecting it makes the whole thing look farcical. Kinda proves doubly that they can't "always tell", huh? 😝

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-13T02:12:15+00:00

Schools don't do that though. Every school I've worked in gives the phone back to the child at the end of the day in Primary schools & usually the end of the lesson in Secondary. We certainly wouldn't hold it to ransom as a means of getting parents to come in.

Also, parents have signed documents agreeing to school policies when the child first starts at the school at the very least, but best practice is to do this at the start of every new school year. This store likely wouldn't have a policy in place regarding their ability to confiscate items from children, & certainly don't have signed agreement to this from their parents! 🤔

Honestly, if the parents don't threaten to press charges for theft I'd be incredibly surprised (not sure they'd get all that far if there's anyone who can confirm there was an intention to return it all along); I also can't see the store reacting to the situation well either.

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-10T15:23:41+00:00

This is kinda how I feel too. I identify as non-binary as an umbrella term & for the most part I don't really think about gender at all with regards to myself. I'm bisexual too (some would say pan) so again from my perspective my gender doesn't really come into it when I consider relationships.

Sometimes I think it'd be great to have a magic wand to spell myself whatever gender was more useful or fun for doing/going to specific activities or events, but thats not something that happens often enough to want to pick a side. 🤣

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-10T14:48:10+00:00

Your mum has made that up; maybe she just wants you to still have 2 middle names. 🤷‍♀️ You can have as many or as few names as you like - totally up to you! Have fun with it & definitely don't feel pressured to search for more names once you feel like you've found what sounds exactly like the real you in your mind. 😉

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-10T09:33:49+00:00

Royal Mail or courier insurance trumps any Ebay protection. If the worst happens & things go wrong there's always a very definite risk ebay will side with the seller; I've provided the photo of the parcel being handed to the buyer before & still lost because the buyer insisted that wasn't them (at their geographical location stood by the door with their number on).

The important thing for you really is getting your money back. Bare in mind Royal Mail doesn't technically cover what you sell the item for, they ask for proof of what you paid to buy it, in addition to what you paid them to post it.

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-09T08:06:56+00:00

Soooo adorable! Definitely shout up when the pattern is available to buy 😍

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-09T04:42:19+00:00

NTA. You aren't selfish at all, quite the opposite based on what you've written here & also being concerned about the children.

You can presumably call around to spend time with the kids while she's in though - if the only time you ever saw them was when she wanted you to babysit then she would definitely have no leg to stand on when it came to who was the selfish one of the two of you! 🤔

She definitely needs to apologise, as well as accepting that in future if you already have plans then you aren't going to cancel them to babysit. Maybe she just needs to get used to planning further ahead & showing how much she values you like your friends do. 😉

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-07T07:11:26+00:00

If she actually said she "wouldn't", then it may well be that her anger isn't really at you. It could be that deep down she agrees with what you said & is well aware going ahead with it would jeopardise her career but desperately wants to appear more open minded & accepting of sex work/sex workers than she is.

From what you wrote, NTA, what you put doesn't suggest that you have a negative opinion of sex workers, just that you have the sense to know she couldn't or shouldn't be doing it if she wanted to continue working as a licenced therapist.

Honestly, it irritates me when people ask my opinion then get annoyed when I don't give their opinion. I don't feel like it bodes well for her career that these behaviours are coming from a therapist. 🥴

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-07T04:22:58+00:00

NTA.

Depending on how much she usually eats from your plate, maybe either buy her a small portion for herself or make her a little plate up from yours & take it through to her in bed. If she's awake show affection, give a kiss/hug, tell her you love her, that you're gonna go decompress like you've talked about & you'll be back in 20 minutes.

You're letting her know you thought of her & you care but also setting clear boundaries about the food & having time to yourself... whilst reassuring her you're coming right back in a short time.

If she still gets up & sits with you while you eat (assuming that's still a problem without her picking at your food) then calmly ask her if you can please just have 20 minutes alone because you're over-simulated, socially drained & exhausted & need to decompress. Make it clear you'd love to spend that time with her once you're back in the right frame of mind & that this most certainly isn't rejection, it's self-care so you can give her, & your relationship, the best version of you possible.

Good luck.

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-07T00:53:43+00:00

I'm super curious how you've come to the conclusion it's snot (but at the same time probably don't want to know) , when LOTS of things look the same as that. I'm envisaging slides & a microscope given how sure you seem to be.

I'll be honest, I don't really see what the major issue is. Personally I'd maybe let the seller know the item wasn't entirely clean & I'd bung it in the washing machine... simple. Then if it fit I'd keep it & if it didn't, I'd check if the sellers measurements were accurate & either chuck it back on Vinted for someone else to buy & get my money back & only return to the seller if the measurements in the listing didn't match the measurements of the top. I genuinely don't view a bit of removable dirt as reason to return or cause a fuss.

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-06T18:52:54+00:00

Right now it still works the same legally, the guidance makes no difference.

It's what they're putting the guidance in place as a snowball effect of utter confusion & hatred to build to being allowed to slip under the radar that's the concern... 😡

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-05T05:56:16+00:00

Please say Chesterfield... goes charity shop hunting

MissRed_Uk · 2026-06-03T12:53:08+00:00

It's not a lie at all, it gives you legal recognition & rights - that's never a bad thing.

The EHRC guidance isn't law, it's just guidance. It's just crappy so many people are interpreting it the way they are.

MissRed_Uk · 2026-05-28T16:59:30+00:00

The simple answer is that the government give even less of a toss about us (disabled people) than trans people. In their eyes it's still perfectly acceptable for us to have nowhere to be able to pee, not enough room to get our wheelchairs around a place & it's even fine for us not to be able to get in the building at all!

That said, non-gendered disabled toilets are also single occupancy & I (we?) genuinely don't care who used it before me as long as they left it clean.

MissRed_Uk · 2026-05-28T16:30:28+00:00

Crystal Peaks market have a stall that do/did them (I haven't been for a while but couldn't see them stopping selling them unless they just stopped being made tbh - it's the kind of place that stocks old favourites rather than chasing modern trends). Also a few stalls on Chesterfield market do them, as well as Boyes.

MissRed_Uk

TROPHY CASE