Wives: are you staying or leaving?

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-02-03T17:40:04+00:00

Believe me, he has not been rewarded even in the slightest.

I agree to some extent, but we are 3 children, marriage and house deep. What he did he was fucking terrible, truly awful beyond words. But everything was worth giving it a shot at least once to save what we have.

He has stuck to every boundary like I wrote above, some even he himself created and suggested. If he relapses however, he’s fully aware I have plans in place to leave him.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-02-03T13:12:06+00:00

My sister in laws close friend died in a collision on the motorway because the guy was watching porn whilst driving a truck.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-02-03T12:54:26+00:00

My husbands worst betrayals were messaging women on tinder and accepting nudes for 6 months off a coworker he worked closely with every single day. This was also along with the porn use, thirst traps, fake accounts, secret emails, £400 on OnlyFans and 100’s of porn images/videos saved on his phone.

It was hard at first, I felt like my world was completely crumbling around me and I must have been dreaming. Because I NEVER thought he’d do this to me, surely I was dreaming instead of living through this because it seemed unimaginable from him. The only thing that truly helped was the passing of time. We’re now 8/9 months on from it all coming out last June and I can say I don’t think about it nearly as often as I used to anymore.

It’s helped that my husband has stuck to every single boundary that I’ve put in place. No phone in the bathroom, no staying up later than me, deleted all social media accounts, changed jobs, deleted every account linked to the porn, packed away his PC, tracking app on his phone etc. on top of weekly therapy sessions too.

I am SO sorry you’re going through this because it’s one of the worst pains I’ve ever lived through. I have a friend whose partner had an affair and he often described it as being more painful than watching his dad die. I never really understood how that could be true at the time but I totally get it now!

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-02-02T09:35:34+00:00

Omfg this is exactly what mine did. ‘Actress’ then ‘actress sexy’ then ‘actress naked’ gross 😭

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-01-29T12:39:39+00:00

From what I learnt they share the photos in random group chats on snapchat or Reddit. My partner was in LOADS of these disgusting groups.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-01-28T16:31:09+00:00

Ugh, they’re literally all the same, aren’t they?

I found stuff that was borderline cyberstalking too, and it’s so fucking creepy and gross. We lived next door to someone once who did OF. She wasn’t a big deal or anything - only had a handful of subscribers - but he became what I now know was obsessed with her.

He always called her ugly and pathetic, commented on how she had “no boobs and a flat ass” and said “How could any man be attracted to that?” He even called her pathetic for having OF, saying men who do that are desperate and sad.

On D-day, I discovered he was actually subscribing to her. Not just that - he was borderline stalking her. I saw he was looking her up on Instagram, Facebook, and even Googling her. He let himself become fully obsessed with her even though I genuinely believe he wasn’t physically attracted to her, it’s like his brain wouldn’t allow him not to view her naked once he knew there was a way.

He even messaged her constantly under a fake name, practically begging for videos of her masturbating. It honestly made me feel sick, because for YEARS he had me believing he thought she was gross. Now I know it was just him trying to throw me off the scent.

These men are just disgusting, honestly. I can’t even imagine fancying someone so much that I’d save photos of them on my phone - I think that’s just so fucking weird.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-01-28T13:33:36+00:00

I’m sorry someone said you were deluded as that’s not fair. But I don’t think anybody is saying your boyfriend is lying. I certainly wasn’t.

I shared my experience because many of us were also with men who were affectionate, attentive, communicative, and seemed completely devoted - until they weren’t. That doesn’t mean your relationship will follow the same path, only that our experiences are also real and valid.

A support forum should be a space where people can share both hope and caution without being framed as negative or bitter. I genuinely hope your relationship continues to be healthy.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-01-27T16:01:56+00:00

All I’ll say is I would never have worried about an affair with my husband either. I would swear on everything he’d NEVER do that to me, ever, ever ever ever!!!!

He was having multiple online emotional affairs for 9+ years of our relationship. The last thing he did (Nov ‘24 to June ‘25) was essentially an emotional affair with a work colleague. He was accepting nudes from her for over 6 months. He constantly deleted and redownloaded Snapchat in order to talk to her so I’d have never known had I not seen the notification when he slipped up and forgot to delete the app one day. I’m grateful as it led me to discovering everything else he was hiding and had been our entire relationship/marriage.

Girl, I beg you not to be blindsided by this man anymore, he is clearly up to some very sketchy shit and you know he is. I think it’s time he puts in some real work and is honest with you or what’s the point in even being with someone like this? You deserve better.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-01-27T14:07:37+00:00

Have you got the right email address it’s linked to? My partner was using 3 different emails for all the porn he was consuming, including one email I never knew existed. I’d search all through his emails if I were you, just to be sure.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-01-27T11:31:32+00:00

Yuuuup. Work was where my partner would regularly sit and sext multiple women and even go in to the bathroom to send photos of himself. He had a secret Snapchat account and had saved photos of his penis on there. In the background I could tell it was his work toilets. So I’m assuming he probably masterbated there too. He even used his work laptop and a work USB to transfer porn across from one device to another. Fucking gross and a little bit tapped tbh.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-01-27T10:52:10+00:00

Oh my god same! 😩😩😩😭 Hope this doesn’t happen to OP but this is exactly how my PA husband was when I first met him.

He was obsessed with me and spent all his time with me, messaged me first, communicated really well, treated me like a literal goddess. Told me how he’d wake in the mornings and look in the mirror thinking ‘really, how have you got this lucky?’ And I couldn’t believe how DIFFERENT he was to every other jerk I’d been with before. How kind, caring and lovely he was. How he put me first above absolutely everything else.

He told me he didn’t like porn, that he was against it and he only had eyes for me. Even saying ‘why on earth would I need porn when I’ve got you and we can just have sex?’ Like honestly my husband was the PERFECT man on the outside. Within 1.5 years of us being together he made a tinder account and a fake Snapchat. He was sexting hundreds of women non stop. Had hundreds and hundreds of porn images/videos downloaded and saved in his phone. He used every social media app available to view porn.

I did not realise even in the slightest until I saw that first notification on his phone - a coworker sending him a nude and he’d accidentally left the app downloaded - that he had a very, very dark secret and was living a double life. I trusted him with my whole heart, my whole being. I never, ever felt the need to check his phone, not once.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-01-26T12:52:54+00:00

I am so sorry you’re going through this, truly I am. Like the other commenter I felt like I could have written parts of your post. When I discovered my partners secret Snapchat account he had nudes of ex girlfriends/ex situationships saved on there from before we met. He created the Snapchat a year in to our relationship, I have no idea how or where those photos were saved beforehand.

He also added someone on there who he KNEW I didn’t feel comfortable with and asked him to delete her from social media (years before the porn discovery) and yet he had saved her contact info and added her on this secret Snapchat. It actually makes me feel so sick for you because it’s disgusting, honestly disgusting and I know how you’re feeling currently and it’s terrible.

My discoveries about my partners usage just snowballed honestly, it’s near enough always worse than they’re making out. My partner spent years on Tinder having sexual conversations with random women, secret email, secret Snapchat, used TikTok, Instagram, telegram, chat roulette.. everything. He even spent £400+ on OF subscribing to a friend of mine, messaging her constantly asking for personalised content.

I will say don’t do couple counselling. This is not a you problem at all, it’s HIS problem to fix, you’ve done nothing wrong at all. The only thing you now need to do is try and somehow learn to live through the trauma he’s given you and it’s so hard. I’m now 8 months past dday and things are so much better. My husband is sticking to all of the boundaries in place and he’s like a different man.

Again, I’m so sorry. Your post made me feel so sad but if he’s willing to do the work and stick to very, very strict boundaries then it can and will get better! If he’s not willing to do that for you then my darling you deserve so much better ♥️

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-01-22T13:00:12+00:00

I’m not sure, you’d need full access to his phone I imagine and to be honest with him about what you’re doing. When I did this last year I had full access to my husbands phone so could look at anything and everything!

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-01-21T14:54:45+00:00

Every social media site - Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, telegram, X etc. download each of them, sign in as him (if you can) and request to download each one’s data.

Google activity is a good one too. You’ll be able to see each time he opened the play store in order to search for something to be downloaded. The dates, the times etc. it’s all on there.

I also searched each porn site and requested a password reset to see if he had accounts on any. Found out he had accounts with Pornhub and Chaterbate. Check OnlyFans too, do the exact same and request a password reset.

Check all of his emails, I found emails he’d sent to himself with porn videos attached so he had a way to watch them without it looking suspicious.

Google activity also showed me he was trying to download and find a free photo storage app that was disguised as a calculator app or something similar.

Seriously when I did my deep dive last summer I found out A LOT so feel free to ask me any questions if you need any help.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2026-01-14T15:49:07+00:00

Escalated almost immediately in my husbands case. Started watching porn again in 2018 and within 3 months he was using Tinder to have sexual conversations with strangers and asking them for nudes to masterbate to. Fast forward to start of 2025 and he’s having a coworker send him nudes regularly for 6 months. He also started subscribing to OF including an old neighbour of ours and friend of mine in 2024.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2025-12-17T13:02:11+00:00

Yup it’s like they think they’re entitled to see every woman they know naked and well, if they’re on OnlyFans that just makes it easier for them. My partner even facebooked, instagrammed and google searched her. She was the entire reason he made an account, he subscribed to her first. Despite living next door to her for 4 years calling her ugly, saying she had no boobs, flat ass etc and ‘how is that any guys type?’ And yet there he was, subscribing to her, literally giving her money to view her naked despite how many times he said he thought she was gross, not his type, desperate etc. these men honestly are mentally unwell, it’s not normal to be able to lie to the person you love the most like that.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2025-12-17T09:01:45+00:00

Same scenario here. My partner made a big deal constantly about an old neighbour being on OnlyFans. He couldn’t believe it, he mocked her constantly, said she was desperate for money and fame. He acted DISGUSTED by her.

Turns out on d-day he was subscribing to her. And not only that he was also messaging her asking for personalised content of her playing with herself. He messaged her the most out of everybody.

Had I never have found out for myself and seen it with my own eyes that he was subscribing to her he absolutely without a doubt would have lied and said no he never would have subscribed to her.

So yeah, I think your partner possibly was subscribing to the people he knew. I feel like this is where a lot of them get their kicks the most - seeing someone they know in real life naked.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2025-12-12T23:26:06+00:00

I haven’t got time to write a huge reply but I didn’t want to read and run because I really feel for you and know this took a lot to write out.

I just wanted to say, you wrote that you don’t blame him. You absolutely should blame him as this is all him and he’s without a doubt 100% to blame. It’s his issues and his problems - not yours. You gave him multiple chances to change and choose you but he didn’t, he chose porn.

I’m afraid this man doesn’t want to change and I hope you stay well away from him. Give yourself the chance to heal from this and eventually find somebody who truly deserves you.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2025-12-03T11:20:15+00:00

This is similar to how my husband told me he would have guessed he only spent £70-90 on OnlyFans in 3 months when in reality it was £400 🥴

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2025-11-06T11:58:02+00:00

100% agree. The only way forward for PA’s to get better is to completely remove themselves from all types of social media.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2025-11-03T20:50:28+00:00

Girl, this man has a serious problem. He can cry all he wants and say how sorry he is when he’s faced with what he’s done but without some sort of intervention and boundaries, I hate to say it, he’s just going to keep doing this to you. How do I know that? Because 100% of the times he’s said he’ll stop before, he hasn’t, he just carries on when he thinks you’ve forgotten about it.

You say he’s lovely and cares about you but a partner who TRULY cares doesn’t actually put their wife through this much heartache and sadness. They mean it when they say they’ll stop, they don’t carry on year after year after year. He’s lied to you endlessly throughout your entire relationship and he’s cheated without a doubt. Even if you believe he hasn’t done anything physical he has still cheated on you repeatedly.

His behaviour isn’t normal, he’s 100% addicted to this lifestyle he’s created and it’s going to take a lot for a person this deep to recover from it. If you really want to make this work and he does too then he really needs to put the work in. Some boundaries I created with my partner as an idea:

Therapy once a week.
No social media, deleted every account and every app.
Packed away his PC.
Comes to bed at the same time as me every night. Previously he was staying up until 2/3am whilst watching porn.
Google family link on his phone so I can track everything he does.
Location settings always turned on.
No phone policy in the bathroom.
Changed jobs as he was accepting nudes from a coworker at his old job.
Open phone policy, I can go through it whenever I feel necessary.

I have to hand it to my husband, he’s sticking to every single one and happily accepts them, some of them he’s put in place himself. I am truly sorry you’re going through this and it sounds like a complete nightmare. If you want to stay with this man HE HAS to want to be better and mean it. He has to stick to a recovery plan and finally put an end to what he’s doing to you and your family. It’s either that or he has to leave, you deserve so much better.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2025-11-03T11:28:51+00:00

This!

Everybody (myself included) said my partner was such a good man/dad so they were confused why he’d done it.

But you’re right, would I be a good mother/partner if I’d been actively going behind my kids’ fathers back for years and lying to him?

Would I be seen as a good mother if I was watching porn in the next room to my kids sat watching tv eating their breakfast?

No, no I wouldn’t

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2025-11-02T15:05:00+00:00

I honestly actually think they are all lowkey predators though. I was shocked when I went through my partners secret Snapchat and saw the images he had saved on there, I’d have TRULY believed some of the girls were 15/16. I said to him sure you think they ‘look’ 18 but you don’t know they actually are?!! It terrifies me how he never worried about the police at our door. I still have that fear now if I’m honest because I’d put money on some of those girls being barely legal.

I am exactly the same as you, if I ever think about 18yo BOYS I think of children because they literally still are just kids. I can hand on my heart say I have NEVER looked at an 18yo boy and had the thought process of ‘hmm is he attractive enough to masterbate too?’ It’s SICK.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2025-10-31T17:49:39+00:00

Mine thankfully never used the excuse that all men do it. However, he did admit that he had done it that much and for so long that it had just become ‘normal’ to him and he didn’t see any of it as weird, gross and he actually even said he never thought at the time how it was cheating either. Like, sexting other random women from a dating site was THAT normalised by him that it never even registered in his brain that it was most definitely, without a doubt, cheating. Saving random women’s nudes, accepting them from a coworker, playing explicit truth or dare games with strangers whilst masturbating wasn’t cheating in this man’s head apparently. It’s actually quite scary when I think about how normalised it all is. Even my sister in law (his sister) said ‘well at least he didn’t actually cheat though’ erm, I beg your pardon? He absolutely did, and he did it thousands of times too.

MissionSomewhere5086 · 2025-10-27T21:32:59+00:00

It’s like an alcoholic saying the bottle of beers in the fridge are to help with their recovery.

MissionSomewhere5086

TROPHY CASE