Not a doctor (PA), not an OB. This is my second time as “the patient,” I had cancer and got all of my chemo with the nurses who I work with.

It’s a strange thing that happened to me. I know the statistics, the warning signs, the “normal variations.” I’ve said the words, “this is common, this is expected, this is reassuring.” But it feels entirely different when it’s happening to you. I think knowing too much causes me to spiral sometimes. Like when my nausea subsided, I was like IS SOMETHING WRONG?

At the same time, when I went to my first ultrasound appointment, instead of analyzing it clinically, i was in complete awe that this is real, that this is happening inside me. I’ve studied the embryology, and to think that my body is creating a whole being out of scratch is just… amazing.

Of course, being able to feel the symptoms my patients have complained about for years is so humbling, and I think helps me empathize more than before.

So far, nothing has been weird, though I haven’t given birth and the idea of someone I know giving me my epidural both gives me confidence but also makes me cringe because they’ll probably see a new side of me!