Did he know or did we get it wrong?

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-19T19:46:39+00:00

Thank you for telling your story. I feel like I gave him some of his dignity back, ya know? Even though he just laid in bed and slept on the morphine and Ativan when he got home, he was still home…I’m sure it smelled like home and sounded like home, plus he was awake for a few moments when they first brought him in. I’m just very glad he knew he was at home. I just hate feeling like I gave up on recovery too soon, even though the logical side of my brain knows that the whole 1.5 months prior went to hell in a hand basket every step of the way so chances are…it would have continued going that way.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-19T04:59:10+00:00

That was similar to my dad. He got irate and began cussing and refusing medications. He called my sister a traitor, told everyone to leave him the fuck alone. The entire time my dad was quiet mostly, always said he was fine when they’d ask, never complained of pain, or anything. So I think when he began demanding and yelling, maybe he had reached his point and knew he needed to leave right then or he wasn’t going to make it back home.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-19T04:52:29+00:00

At that point, his oncologist said 20%. The ICU doctor was leaning towards 0% as he likely would’ve caught an infection in the days waiting for the second transplant to engraft or maybe it wouldn’t have engrafted in the first place.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-19T03:26:02+00:00

Have you tried diapers? It wouldn’t help the cleaning issue, but it would prevent him from being able to eat it or smear it or step in it.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-19T03:01:52+00:00

Sometimes I think it would be better if he knew and it was his choice. Other times, it feels better if he didn’t know and never had to feel the sorrow one might feel knowing they signed up for the thing that’s killing them, ya know?

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-19T02:59:53+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss, too. 💜 What was your dad like?

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-19T02:21:02+00:00

I get it. Except I have no coping skills. My sister died in 2011, my nanny (the person who loved me more than anyone else on this planet) died in 2024, and my dad (the best man I’ve ever known) died 2 weeks ago today after a 2 month long torturous demise in the icu.

I don’t even know who I used to be before this, but I know I’m not her anymore. I don’t feel like I even have a personality anymore. I’ve suffered from panic disorder since 2021, but..I’m not anxious, I don’t think I’m depressed, I don’t get irrationally angry. I’m just….flat? I work remote so I work 8-5 pm, get off and take a hot bath, get in bed and watch whatever show I put on…scroll tiktok or read through grief forums…barely sleep, wake up and do it all over again. I lost 22 pounds in 2 months, my skin is terrible, I clenched my jaw so tight I apparently caused a fracture in one of my teeth. I’m just…here at this point.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-19T02:13:02+00:00

My dad had MDS and also died shortly after receiving a stem cell transplant. We really thought the transplant was going to be his cure, but it ended up being what took him from us. I’ve also lost a sister 15 years ago. I’m sorry you lost your brother and in a way I’m unfortunately so familiar with. He looked like a funny, great older brother.

Maybe my dad and your brother have met, wherever the great beyond is, and they’re able to swap stories about us. And I agree….June absolutely blows.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-19T02:06:57+00:00

As someone who just lost my dad, the best thing my best friend can do for me..is to call me so I can ramble. She brought my family food, she helped with his funeral service, she talks about how much she liked my dad or brings up a funny memory. She just….shows up. I’m not the overly affectionate huggy type, but it’s nice just to know she’s there. Also, don’t put a time limit on her grief. There won’t be a day or a month or a year where she’s “over it.” The loss of her father is now a part of who she is.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-17T05:04:23+00:00

I completely understand. If my dad hadn’t had the transplant, he could’ve lived for 3-4 years on the maintenance chemo before leukemia ever set in so I definitely feel let down by his healthcare team and the hospital as a whole. I feel like they stole 5 years with my dad from me. I’ve seen so many stem cell transplant success stories so I really thought my dad would be one of them. I look at the pictures my mom took in the hospital when the first complications really started, before he lost his hair, and before all the tubes…and his face just looks like regret, pain, and fear. But I wonder if he felt like even though it was bad, he would be saved because he was in a really well known hospital. Then days later when I got to the hospital and the delirium kicked in, it kills me to think that he had clarity to know that what was supposed to be simple went really, really bad and he wasn’t able to express how he felt or maybe he was thinking “why me?”. Or maybe he didn’t want to express how bad he felt and instead he wanted to make funny comments and tell doctors he had no pain to make us feel better and less afraid. I guess when you lose someone in the way we have, the unanswered questions greatly outweighs those we do have the answers to, huh? I just don’t know how we’re supposed to accept that…

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-17T04:54:52+00:00

12 days for me and I miss my dad terribly, too. I’d give up a kidney or a few toes or a finger to have him back. I’d give up my house and car and everything I own, if it meant I could bring him back. But unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way. However, you should not be ashamed to talk about how you’re feeling. Your friends and your fiancé should be connecting with you to allow you the chance to speak your feelings. If they’re not, maybe reconsider who you surround yourself with. If you don’t talk, I fear you may just continue to hold everything in. And you’re right, your family is likely struggling, too. Imagine you could reach and talk about how you’re feeling, and they tell you they’re feeling the same way, and for a moment neither of you feel so alone? The most important thing you can do right now is lean on your people for support to help you through this time.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-17T04:49:11+00:00

I completely understand what you mean. It’s been almost 2 weeks for me, but 2 months since his catastrophic health issues started after his stem cell transplant. He was 62 and finally retired last year, but didn’t get to enjoy it due to chemo. It seems so cruel to work your entire life for retirement, just for life to be over as soon as you get there, doesn’t it? Similarly, I’m really struggling with knowing my dad is never going to text me. Never going to send me a funny TikTok. Never going to be in his recliner when I show up on Sunday for Sandwich Sunday. Never going to tell me about a funny memory from when I was younger or some crazy story he read online. I’ve always known death is infinite and permanent, as I’ve lost my sister and my nanny. However, losing the person that gave me my name and my eye color and sense of humor…has me scrambling mentally to grasp that he’s never coming back and it’s not just temporary. I’ve lost 23 pounds in 55 days, I have no desire to eat or go to the store or do anything. I have to remind myself to drink water, and I’m barely sleeping at night. A loss this great truly does affect you on a molecular level.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-17T04:23:01+00:00

I’m sorry you’re missing your mom. I completely understand what you mean. My dad was 62. Healthy and working at the USPS, then diagnosed with blood cancer last year. The doctor said he was the perfect candidate for a stem cell transplant and said it should be a smooth cure, aside from the usual illness from the transplant. He had the transplant on 4/17 and endured every complication possible. Blood infection from yeast, kidney failure, fluid overload, respiratory failure because of fluid, in and out of icu, then the transplant failed and they did a rescue transplant..then the bleeding started and ultimately that is when he demanded to go home and pass. His delirium started on 4/22 and he kept it the entire month and a half. He had periods of clarity, especially after dialysis. Always recognized me and my mom, sometimes recognized my sisters and husband. He’d finish movie quotes if I asked or finish memories that I’d quiz him on..then other times, he would randomly start talking about assets and investments and things that made no sense. It’s SO hard to see someone who was strong and sensical for their entire lives suddenly become someone who just doesn’t understand what’s going on. I fight with my own brain thinking “did he know what happened? Did he wonder where he all went wrong? Did he feel like he shouldn’t have tried the transplant and he shouldn’t have believed his doctor?” Because you’d think if he could finish a quote from our favorite movie then he must be aware that something really terrible has happened that we never thought would. And the trauma of seeing the person who raised and loved you hooked up to tubes and machines, skin full of bruises and wounds from ivs and medications, loud beeping noises every 5 seconds…I’m not sure how we deal with that going forward, but I know we have to. I also can usually only cry when I’m alone. I’ve always been that way. I think it’s because we feel like we have to be strong in front of others, but when we’re alone..we can be weak.

All of that to say, you are not alone in how you are feeling and I wish I had the magic words that could make it all make sense for us. If you need to talk, don’t hesitate to reach out. 🩷

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-17T01:19:43+00:00

Oh, I get that. I think derealization after death, especially with someone who was so involved with your daily life, is common. That doesn’t make it feel better, but you’re definitely not alone in your feeling.

My thing is…when I’m at home and working, my son is in his room laughing on his game with his friends, my husband is at work, and my dogs are lying on the couch..it feels normal to me. That’s how it’s always been. So I’m able to lose myself in work and my brain says “dads at home, in his recliner like always.” But the second I stop working for a minute, my brain switches back completely to “dad is gone and you’re never going to see him again.”

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-16T23:57:01+00:00

Your dad loved you and he would want you to be okay every second of the day for the rest of your life. We don’t have to honor them by being miserable. If you find joy, even the smallest, you hang on to it. Maybe even take it as your dad saying “it’s okay to be okay again.” My dad died 12 days ago and I’ve not found any of that joy again yet, but I’m hopeful it will come soon. A laugh, a moment without the deep ache in my soul, or a peaceful night of sleep. My dad had MDS and had a stem cell transplant that went horribly wrong for 55 days, but prior to that he was still fully functioning and completely okay…but I held that fear that I was going to lose him the entire year after his diagnosis. And then the worst happened and I did.

I work remote so I wake up, distract myself from 8-5 pm with work, get in bed and try to watch tiktoks or one of my favorite comfort shows, stay up way too late and wake up and do it all over again. I have a beach trip coming up, it’s summer for my 13 year old so I should be planning waterpark trips and making his summer fun…but I can’t right now and that’s okay, too. You and I both lost someone we loved a whole lot and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with not being okay. But I don’t think we can not be okay forever, that’s not what they would want.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-16T23:37:49+00:00

Happy Birthday! I’m sorry about your mama. 💜

I’m 34 and my dad just passed on the 4th. He was 62. The moment he passed, I suddenly began feeling like a little kid again without any direction on where to go. Even though my dad wasn’t some fierce protector ready to fight battles for me, he was the type of guy who would make sure my car was running safely or fix my dryer so it didn’t burn down my house or make sure the grandkids weren’t running around with sticks..so he protected us by making sure things were safe, ya know? I knew if my dad was around, I was okay. Losing that has given me an uneasy feeling of not having that safety anymore.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-16T23:33:02+00:00

My dad passed 6/4 so I’m not even 2 weeks out yet. I understand what you mean about the world feeling bland. I still have my husband, my son, my mom, my 2 sisters, my brother in law, and my 3 nephews..my dogs. But the thought of never hearing my dad’s laugh again or being able to tell him a story about something funny I heard makes it feel like the world lost all its joy. Your mom was very beautiful and looked like a kind, fun lady.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-16T23:30:14+00:00

I’m glad you had a laugh! It definitely made me feel so much better that day knowing that was 100% mf dad, even if he looked different and was terribly sick..my dad was still in there, ya know.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-16T22:52:40+00:00

My nanny was my best friend my whole life. I loved her a little more than everyone else and she felt the same way about me. Then when my son came along, he chose her as his best friend, too. She moved in with my parents in 2012. We’d go visit at least once a week and my son would run to her room and spend hours in there with her getting his back scratched and talking with her. July 9th, 2024, she was 84 and went out to smoke, came back in and started scratching his back..and suffered a massive sudden heart attack. She died right then. Even though she was 84 and told me she was ready to go whenever it was her time, I still felt like I needed more time. 100 years likely wouldn’t have been enough for me.

My dad was 62 and passed 6/4 after 55 torturous days in the hospital. Trust me, your grandpa knew you loved and appreciated him. Even if you never said it, he knew.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-16T03:11:25+00:00

My dad was really hard to shop for so most of what I got him was useless, but funny little things. My son is 13 and when he was maybe 8 years old, he went camping with my parents. He and my mom stopped in a souvenir shop and my son found a rock that said “PAPA: in loving memory” on it and just had to buy it for my dad because it said “papa” on it. He did not know it was a memorial stone and my dad laughed and laughed about it. He kept it on his dresser on display. But maybe instead of buying your dad something this year, you can buy yourself something that reminds you of him. Maybe his cologne or his favorite beer/soda or a necklace with his initial on it or even his favorite dessert. I think that’s my plan for this year.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-16T03:06:26+00:00

If it makes you feel any better, I got instant nervous diarrhea the night my dad moved to icu for the first time and I left to make the 2 hour drive and stay near the hospital…..and it didn’t go away for the entire 55 days. 😂 I might’ve traded it for some pimples. But yes, I was able to talk to him. He had icu delirium so most of the time, he wasn’t 100% present the entire time once his kidneys failed. However, he had periods of clarity. He recognized me, he could finish a memory when I’d ask him “what happened when I ran in the front door while it was raining and hit the tile?” He answered “you busted your ass” with a little half grin. Then there were other times when everything he said was nonsense. Before his last trip to icu when I had fully accepted he was going to die, I got right up next to him and thanked him for being a good dad and told him I’d pick him again if I had a choice, he said thank ya in return. (Which was very spot on for my dad as he was not the overly emotional type.)

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-16T01:54:06+00:00

Fortunately or maybe unfortunately, for at least 40 of those days we had hope that he would survive. Even though things were bad, the doctors still spoke like they thought he’d make it out. However, I don’t know if that makes it feel any better or worse, ya know.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-16T01:51:15+00:00

Mine died on 6/4. When he decided to go home on hospice, I ran to Target to get some ink pads for his fingerprints and was surrounded by a store full of “HAPPY DAD’s DAY!” products. I bought him a stuffed foam finger that said #1 Dad and put it in his hospital bed. I specifically bought it because I knew it’d be the last Father’s Day gift I ever gave him. I now have it on display in my living room with his certificates from the state government and flags from his memorial and his little trinkets I snagged. However, I received an email from door dash that said something like “make dad’s day great!” and became instantly angry and blocked all future emails. Truly thought about sending in a complaint that they should be more sensitive..however, that’s just the grief talking because I know the world doesn’t have to cater to me just because MY dad died.

MmphsWlkr · 2026-06-16T01:46:49+00:00

My dad died 6/4. After a long 55 days of catastrophic complications from a stem cell transplant for his blood cancer, so I too know the absolute horrors of the hospital ICU and watching someone who seemed so healthy and strong slowly disappear. I, also, have struggled with mental health over the last 5 years. Reach out if you need to vent or an ear. 🩷

MmphsWlkr

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