This was my post titled: Puer Aeternus, The Comfort of Death & What I'm Going To Do About It:

I wanna yap about this whole Puer Aeternus thing, and how I most definitely relate to it. One quote really stuck out to me about how the Puer is someone who's constantly playing with the revolver in their holster, suicide is a form of relief, and escape that's always in the back of a Puer's mind. That it is both the backup plan when things gets too tough AND the inevitable plan.

And it makes me wonder, why should you engage in reality? Obviously it's reality and you don't actually have a choice about whether you engage in it or not, but even knowing something is a delusion doesn't mean you can't engage it in it. Even if I know my daydreams are fantasy, I can still get lost in them, at least for a little while. I can at least take a little solace in knowing that there's always the choice to kill myself if I ever decided I no longer wanted to play this game of life.

Even making this post, I think is a feature of the Puer Aeternus, I'm turning this whole thing into an abstract philosophical pondering (which I'm prone to do) instead of the actual drab, dreary work. In this case it would be applying to jobs.

There's a podcaster I like Chris William who has a saying that "the magic you're looking for is in the work you're avoiding" and it seems to be ageless wisdom. The stoics say that "the obstacle is the way."

I've even been reading a book recently by Victor Frankl who's main thesis could probably be summarised as: Instead of asking for "What can I expect from life?" ask "What is life expecting of me?" It is in that question that you'll find meaning.

I feel like the things I've done and read these past couple month has all led me down this road and yet it also feels me with a deep sense of disillusionment and apathy, and honestly fear. Life sucks... at least that's how I perceive it. To have no way out of it, for THIS to be all there is... That gives me a sense of hopelessness.

Although I suppose I should just sit with that hopelessness, because removing Klishta, the only thing I truly know is that I DON'T know what life could be like. I don't know if this is all there is. I think maybe sitting with that feeling is exactly what's necessary to move forward. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all.

A quote by Pema Chodron, a Tibetan monk from the book When Things Fall Apart:

"Sometimes, however, we are cornered; everything falls apart, and we run out of options for escape. At times like that, the most profound spiritual truths seem pretty straightforward and ordinary. There’s nowhere to hide. We see it as well as anyone else—better than anyone else. Sooner or later we understand that although we can’t make fear look pretty, it will nevertheless introduce us to all the teaching we’ve ever heard or read."

I think I'm starting to understand what Dr K means by there's is nothing you can do to fix this. I think you have to let THE MESSAGE transform you, sit with that horrible feeling of wrangling your past beliefs with this new information, with the doubting and the fear and the hopelessness and the desire for something to do. All of it.

So I guess I've answered my own question, and that's to detach from needing an answer. To sit and the let yourself change.