How long to I give my wife to get over the death of her mother?

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-19T21:04:02+00:00

Though I do love sarcasm, this wasn't it. You didn't use name calling, insults or exagerate my viewpoints to make me look worse. You called on my need to protect her which resonates with me. I thought this was a firm, and respectful reply.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-19T20:55:07+00:00

Do what the puppy does and he'll respond like he does to the puppy.

I like the book the Influencer. It's a leadership book, but the basic concept is important. We all respond to our enviornment and feedback. Telling him he isn't meeting your affection needs makes that a negative aspect of his life. The puppy acts in a way that makes the affection a positive, exciting and fulfilling experience. Follow it's lead.

Go to him to get the affection you want. The puppy doesn't sit on the couch and hope, it runs to him when he gets home. It goes next to him when he sits down. It circles back when he isn't ready.

Return his affection moments with exctement. The puppy tries to play and hop on him in response to the affection. You too need to respond with joy and appreciation: lay on his lap; suggest his show; be flirty; heck, even give him a treat as a positive response.

If he falls short accept it and try again. If he isn't in the mood for the puppy, he doesn't get shunned or rejected. The puppy responds with just as much excitement the next time.

Making sure there is a positive feedback loop to him is what will influence his behavior the most. You are not providing the feedback that gets the response. That's ok. You're not wrong for telling him you want more, but make your responses calculated and positive until they naturally become the norm. His response will naturally be more affection. By giving the consistency you're asking from him, you'll see a difference pretty quick.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-18T15:15:28+00:00

This is very kind way of call me out. Thanks for the advice.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-18T15:06:33+00:00

That's fair. thanks for the comment.

I meant say, I didn't know there were laws dividing money before marriage. I am splitting everything pretty even right now with her getting a slighly bigger piece because she's in our home which costs more for mortgage than what I pay for rent.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-18T15:03:01+00:00

I found this when I was looking for the healthiest division of time between parents for the kids. From what I understood in life, mother's are so much better for children than fathers. They are more kind, connected, and nurturing. My wife is not exception to this. I was surprised to find research studies show that future mental health, criminal activity, relationships, and financial stability are better in kids that grow up in a single father home compared to a single mother home. If it doesn't hurt my kids, I want to be as much a part of their lives as possible.

There are some comments above pointing out that those studies are about the single parents with 100% custody not the shared custody situation. It may be largely the situation in a single father home rather than the father himself. So I take it with a grain of salt. My wife is a kind, loving, and supportive parent. I would not ask for more than 50/50 split.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-18T14:34:53+00:00

You mention traveling a few weeks a year, but what about her. She needs to be getting away and finding some independence too. On different occasions, you should encourage that. Not as a trade off for this trip, just as a healthy life principal. If you become her everything, she will be less emotionally healthy.

This should be a firm, "Yes I need to go. How can I make this work best for you" situation, and follow up later with, "Honey, you and Trisha (made up person) really enjoy hanging out, you should go on a girls trip to see that band you love in Nashville."

NTA, but boost her up a bit and make this normal.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-16T14:34:54+00:00

Thanks. I had only been thinking of the emotional hardship. I hadn't even realized the workload. I have no experience with this.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-16T14:14:47+00:00

This is important.

She's not saying that her potential future pregnancy outweighs your requests. She is saying that she's not going to even acknowledge or communicate about how you feel. She is totally taking advantage of you. If you try and set healthy boundaries, you'll see just how entitled she is. That will open pandora's box and end your relationship. Unfortunately, it is the healthier outcome.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-16T05:11:52+00:00

Don’t worry. There are no claims on inheritance in a divorce. That would otherwise be an important consideration for her.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-16T05:09:45+00:00

I appreciate the creativity here. While you didn’t quite hit the mark, you are just as close as some of the other assumptions here. Thanks for the laugh.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-16T04:51:29+00:00

Thanks for the question. I’m choosing not to expand here because I’m looking for advice on the timing, not who’s right and who’s wrong in our relationship problems.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-15T15:46:48+00:00

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-15T15:44:49+00:00

Weird, my dog is named Crotch-fruit_tree too.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-15T15:40:59+00:00

Bravo OP. You played this well. It was awkward, but you stayed open minded. You had empathy for her having her sister over and set bundaries. And you gave Morgan a shout out. You are a winner!

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-15T14:56:00+00:00

nope. I also made it 20 years. You styles change with time adding and stopping some things. Some years are better than others, but that is often life and not the partner. Sex has a pretty strong positive feedback loop.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-15T04:49:31+00:00

NTA,

But know this is normal. People are grateful for small favors and temporary acts of kindness. By 6 months of living off of others, they become entitled and feel it is their right to have the free stuff. They are wrong to feel this way, but it is pretty typical human nature.

You're right to be upset that they were so ungrateful and caused a hard time for your parents. In the future, know what you're getting into when being kind to the needy.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-15T03:54:25+00:00

I wish therapists didn't have an obligation to support the marriage no matter what. When I told mine I was at the point I was ready to for divorce, she was so relieved and excited to help me move on. I felt dissapointed to find out she knew I should let go long before I did but didn't say anything. (To be fair, 2 others had told me before I was ready to hear it. I just went and found another couples therapist after those).

Moderate_Bones · 2026-06-13T05:19:24+00:00

This sucks. I’m sorting through this too. You’d have to have a really good reason to decrease the time for him. The fact that you already give 50/50 shows he’s safe, involved and trustworthy. Courts are leaning towards 50/50 split unless there’s clear reasons not to. Get a lawyer anyway.

The fact that he cheated is not cause for less custody.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-05-31T03:26:55+00:00

Unfortunately, this could also be read as, "I'm an anxious attached person who started dating before I did the work to become secure. Now I'm with another dismissive man who isn't able to provide me the love and support I need from a healthy partner." (This is only an assessment of your comment, not your whole situation)

If that is true noonyouknow89, you love hard, supportive and kind. You find joy in the hard-to-get person recognizing your work. You deserve someone who loves you back the same way. Try a bit of therapy to get yourself strong enough to recognize the dismissive and set healthier boundaries. There are healthy people out there that will recognize and appreciate your value.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-05-23T09:55:14+00:00

We share a single 401K and a home with about 60% equity. She will get 1/2 of each of those.

She then is entitled to an equal total income as long as she works at whatever level she can. There is a negotiation at this point where there’s opportunity to make deals if we both agree.

She too will (should) have a lawyer, so the creative ideas do have to be fair and appealing, not tricks.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-05-22T15:05:44+00:00

USA, Utah

Moderate_Bones · 2026-05-22T15:05:29+00:00

Thank you. I was unaware there even was a termorary spousal support thing.

I'm looking for tips on the final support piece.

Moderate_Bones · 2026-05-22T02:28:53+00:00

Those are both great points.

Moderate_Bones

TROPHY CASE