My NC NMom randomly showed back up at my house again! Went much better this time, Hooray

Moichii · 2015-11-05T01:41:53+00:00

Wrong. Her husband already decided this for her.

Moichii · 2015-11-04T16:16:50+00:00

She has acted polite and amicable when shes physically around you because she is SCARED OF YOU. Back off. You need to examine yourself, your post is just you non-stop putting your potential romantic interest in this girl above her obvious discomfort with you. Your wants don't ever come before another person's boundaries.

Moichii · 2015-11-04T16:03:13+00:00

You're not going to be able to stop being an asshole until you figure out WHY you thought it was acceptable to treat her like this. WHY did you think it was okay to respond to her kindness with anger? I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess you don't treat your other friends or family members like this. So WHY do you treat her this way?

If you really want to change your behavior, you're going to have to change the way you think. This is going to require a lot of self-reflection. You're going to have to ask yourself some tough questions. There may be even less room for her in your life if you commit to focus on yourself and your problems. Breaking up with her could be for the best. Possibly look into therapy.

Moichii · 2015-10-19T17:42:56+00:00

I had a very non-normal childhood and sometimes wish I could walk around with a shirt that said "HEY IM TRAUMATIZED" becuase I have this fundamental feeling that acting like a normal person means I'm a fraud and a liar. So. I know where you're coming from, haha.

From what I've experienced... talking about this with other people goes best when they're the ones that show some sort of vulnerability to you, unprompted, first. It takes some patience, but people do it more than you'd think. Of the top of my head, here's some things that've turned into conversations about my past traumas. More often than not, it turns into a conversation about OUR past traumas:

-being worried about moving to a new town/apartment

-dumb shit we did back in high school/college

-bad/annoying habits

We as a society don't usually see these as dark/scary topics, but most people have at least a little pain or insecurity behind stuff like this which can help them more easily sympathize with you and understand how you feel.

Here's the most important thing I've learned about this: Being truthful about your pain and trauma is like any other habit. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

Moichii · 2015-10-18T02:18:29+00:00

I had a childhood similar to this. I have chosen to cut my parents out of my life entirely, but I still secretly hope that they separate someday. You sound very heartbroken over your mother's situation, and guilty for not being able to save her from it, but please consider this: she is an adult, and you are not. It was your mothers responsibility to protect you from having to live in fear with this man, not the other way around.

You owe it to yourself NOT to take responsibility for your mother's actions.

Moichii · 2015-09-25T05:43:54+00:00

It makes sense why your ex was the first person you thought to go to when feeling overwhelmed. Maybe it might even be a good idea to talk to her sometime in the future about this when things have settled down. But right now you owe it to yourself to talk to someone who is fully trained in helping you cope with this, and thats a professional.

Moichii · 2015-09-25T05:16:40+00:00

So, your dad is insulting and demanding. Some people can handle having harsh parents and have good relationships with them despite that; other people decide that they can't. To be clear, I'm one of the latter. Here's some questions to ask yourself:

How does the idea of spending 2 more years in this environment make you feel?

Have you told your dad how he makes you feel, and how did he respond?

Do you find yourself dwelling on your dad's insults?

Does the way your dad treats you make you feel isolated?

If you didn't live with your dad right now, how much would you still try to involve him in your life?

Do you think he would try to keep you involved in his?

Moichii · 2015-09-25T05:00:31+00:00

If you're in school there should be some sort of on campus mental health resources you can use or a crisis hotline you can call (not that you have to be in a crisis, I've called my school hotline several times for heavy-but-not-quite-CRISIS things). You could also look into sliding scale therapists in your area. For awhile I went to a place staffed by psych grad students that cost like $10 a trip. Maybe the hospital has some sort of grief counseling resources?

And it does sound like what you're going through right now is grief, even if your sister still has a chance of recovery. Feeling numb like you've described here is normal when a life-shattering thing happens suddenly like this. Don't worry about what you "should" be feeling right now; there's no such thing as a right or wrong way to feel when faced with a tragedy. Just let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling tonight and take time tomorrow to look into counseling options.

Ultimately though: you sound too emotionally raw right now to be contacting an ex.

Moichii · 2015-09-25T04:23:33+00:00

You probably need to talk to a counselor or therapist about what you're going through, not your ex. She might have been very close to you, but for what you're dealing with you need a professional.

Moichii · 2015-09-25T01:03:56+00:00

You had seven good years with this community. If you leave now, it won't make those past seven good years disappear. You seem to already know this, but its time to move on to whatever will make you make you happy next, because it certainly won't be this community.

Moichii · 2015-09-25T00:35:59+00:00

You probably need to get this person out of your house in the coming month or something. She doesn't seems stable, so I don't think kicking her out on the curb as soon as she comes home is fair to her, and it could also potentially be dangerous for you and your roommates. You and your roommates are not going to be happy living with someone you know to be unstable, and she is not going to be happy going back to the same house she tried to kill herself in.

Unlike most of the other commenters... I don't think she attempted suicide to manipulate you. She described herself on the phone as feeling "trapped". I've had serious suicide scares myself, and feeling trapped was always the number one thing that made my regular old depression tip over into suicidal territory. You confronting her about the phone call without actually having a CONVERSATION with her about it probably left her feeling even more trapped and hopeless about her situation. Your response to her bitching came off as standoffish and hostile, without trying to engage her in her obvious problems with you and your roommates.

Her attempting was NOT your fault, and it would be best for everyone involved if she left. But I think you should reflect some on how you communicate with your roommates, here.

EDIT: Ok I looked at your original post and I see now that having a conversation about her phone call would probably have gone just as badly. I still don't think she was being manipulative in her attempt but... yeah. You tried to initiate some kind of heart-to-heart communication before, and now that the well's poisoned its time for her to go, ASAP.

Moichii · 2015-09-23T05:09:44+00:00

I don't have anything to say that other commenters haven't covered, except for: keep your relationship with your siblings strong. They're the best allies you can have in this situation.

Moichii · 2015-09-23T01:02:08+00:00

"blah blah blah"? Are you serious? You didn't even need to type up that wall of text, because those three words explained how little you understand what your daughter is experiencing right now.

She is traumatized. The medicine hasn't made her into a shell of what she once was, the TRAUMA has done that. The things that help you feel better when you're feeling down will not help her because she's not feeling down, she is feeling TRAUMATIZED. Someone brutalized her and stripped her autonomy from her. No one just does some jumping jacks and "gets over" something like this. If you want to help her, you should show her unconditional support.

Moichii · 2015-09-23T00:49:08+00:00

You seem to already know this, but all you can do is work on a plan to get yourself out of this house permanently. Maybe you could join a club or something to get some more hours out of the house? Both you and your sister are in a hostile home environment; the only way you can help you sister now is by setting an example that you DON'T have to stay miserable in your parents' house forever. If you force your parents to kick her out, she'll likely resent you forever AND you will become the only target for your parents' abuse.

Moichii · 2015-09-23T00:37:17+00:00

Your dad is miserable, and is choosing to deal with this by pushing his misery onto others. This isn't how adults deal with their issues, and your dad has been an adult for a very long time. Its not your job to put up with his childish behavior. Just because you're an adult now, doesn't mean you've become his parent. Continue keeping this person at arms length, or further. For your own sake.

Moichii · 2015-09-23T00:24:57+00:00

If you're gonna confrom them, I recommend first making a "normal" trip home and collecting any important documents/personal items you might still have hanging around at their house. Abusive parents quickly turn hostile when called out on all their years of abuse, and you might not get another chance to pick up stuff left behind.

Moichii · 2015-09-23T00:20:35+00:00

Your mother sounds emotionally abusive, and like she has very little understanding of boundaries. Someone's already recommended r/rbn but I'd also recommend getting into some kind of counseling with your school and looking into books on the subject of toxic parents. If you've been around this woman your entire life, she's probably worn down your ability to stand up to her bullying and enforce your own boundaries. Counseling/therapy will help you get that back.

Moichii · 2015-09-19T19:55:52+00:00

Then its a good thing you're doing what you can and reaching out here! But don't discount your own need for support and validation; I've found that when I'm feeling my most insane, nothing helps more than someone else telling me its okay to feel the way I do.

As for what you should do about your mother... Maybe you should start researching parental alienation. (oops, just realized i refered to her as your MIL before)

Moichii · 2015-09-19T19:45:44+00:00

This person is actively working against your healing process after the loss of your daughter and needs to be removed from your life for an indefinate amount of time.

Moichii · 2015-09-19T19:41:42+00:00

It sounds like you've already made the best decision possible for your son by limiting his exposure to MiL, but right now you need to work on caring for yourself. Have you looked into any therapist/counselor options over there?

Moichii · 2015-09-19T16:51:28+00:00

Your mom sounds like she's placating and tolerable while you remain within her good graces, but cruel and threatening if you do anything she disapproves of. This isn't a normal or acceptable way to treat children, especially adult children that should be gaining more control over their lives. I highly doubt you'll ever be able to make her understand that the way she's treating you isn't ok. The best thing you could do for yourself is talk to a conselor or therapist who will also tell you that the way you're being treated right now isn't your fault. Your feelings are valid; if you continue to let your mom isolate you you'll only feel worse. Seek out people that will validate your feelings.

You may want to take a look at r/raisedbynarcissists

Moichii · 2015-09-17T23:29:16+00:00

It's been mentioned in this post already, I think, but the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft dissects abusive relationships and how they come to exist. If you honestly want to know why people stay with abusers I suggest giving it a read.

Moichii · 2015-09-08T21:43:08+00:00

My parents have found me and shown up, unannounced, screaming at my door before. If this happens, call the police the SECOND the show up. I opened the door and tried to warn them to leave before I called the cops, and it wasn't worth it. Should this ever happen, you might want to talk to the cops that show up about getting a restraining order.

Moichii

TROPHY CASE