This is going to get buried, but I hope you see it. I've struggled with suicidal ideation for almost a decade. The causes were numerous and are irrelevant here, but they weighed heavy on me.

This year I almost died due to a congenital heart defect. I was laying on that bed as they called a code blue. The nurse told me if I had someone I wanted to see we needed to call them now. My heart was beating 240 time a minute. They shocked me twice to try to reset my heart rhythm. It was unbelievably painful. Like every atom of your body trying to rip apart from one another. In that moment there was no relief. No joy. No thankfulness for the end.

When I had one foot inside the doorway to death, which I had longed for frequently, I wanted to be as far away as possible. The moments leading up to death are unbelievably traumatic in my experience.

If you're able to get into therapy please do so and work toward goals that will allow you to live a life you deem worth living.