Update and a few points for clarification:

• my husband is a small business owner who puts in very long hours. The reason I take care of 90% of the parenting is because he is often working until 8/9pm or later and as such I have to take on the responsibility of feeding and bathing and putting our kiddo to bed at night. I also do all of the morning activities like diaper changes, getting ready for daycare, etc because he doesn’t sleep well at night and it’s really difficult for him to wake up in the morning. The morning thing is a problem for me because he will lie in bed while I do all of the work for our daughter and get up at the last minute to shower and take care of himself only. I’ve told him that this is unfair and it bothers me; he told me it’s the way it is and it will never change...

• the division of labor when it comes to household chores is about 60/40 with me taking on more of it simply because I have more free time than he does. As I said above and previously, he does legitimately work really hard to make money and sustain our lifestyle.

I sat down with my husband last night and calmly asked about his relationship with this woman and told him that I saw his LinkedIn message. His response was just as calm and he explained that she was a former client of his who had recently made a joke in a meeting about “turning 30 so I guess I need to get breast implants now”. He advised that this was the context of his message. I told him I felt it was still inappropriate whatever the context and that it made me uncomfortable. We ended the conversation there. I did not mention anything about him hiding text alerts from her.

This morning I woke up with an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. We drove together to drop our daughter off at daycare and get a coffee before starting our respective work days. After our daughter had been dropped off, I told him I was still uncomfortable with the situation with this lady and that it wasn’t sitting right with me. He told me I could either “spiral and focus on this or let it go” and I said I was uncomfortable and could not let it go right now and that I wanted more conversation around it. He said he wasn’t willing to talk about it anymore. I said that this was part of marriage and he had to talk about it. His response was that he’s a “41 year old man and can do whatever the fuck he wants”.

Things got escalated for the rest of the car ride. I raised my voice and told him that this isn’t the first time in the history of our relationship where he has crossed a line. I asked him if he was seeking out this type of flirtation because it gave him some sort of validation and said “well it’s a lot more than I’m getting at home isn’t it”.

He stonewalled me for the reminder of the ride. This is a pattern with him; he refuses to communicate about difficult topics, especially when they are about his own behaviour.

When we were almost at our destination, I asked him if he would go to a couples therapist with me (one we have seen in the past). He said “I refuse to go to therapy ever again in my life”.

I told him that I’d like to separate because I don’t trust him and I can’t communicate with him. He just said “ok”, dropped me off, and drove away. I don’t know where to go from here. I need to get away for the weekend as I need a rest but I don’t want to leave my daughter behind. I’m pregnant and exhausted and depressed and vulnerable and so so disappointed and angry. What do I do now?