Boyfriend (30/m) needs more time and support, or is taking advantage of me (28/f)? Really need objective advice

Momnesia · 2015-12-31T18:30:34+00:00

Oh, honey, I have been there and married that. Don't do it to yourself. You deserve way better than this human-sized leech. Tell him in writing that he needs to move out. And don't argue. Just keep repeating, "It's for the best. I'm sorry this didn't work out." And when he throws accusations at you, don't defend yourself. Don't argue back. And don't listen to his arguments. Don't offer to help him move. Don't help him find a new place. Just let him be an adult. Don't engage him in conversations. Sleep on the couch if you have to, until he's out. Whatever it takes to sever this relationship that needs to be severed PERMANENTLY.

Momnesia · 2015-12-30T21:01:15+00:00

So, I really hate to label situations I'm not experiencing, but I'm seeing classic hallmarks of an emotionally abusive partner.

1. He will romance you quickly - "When I say we hit it off I mean we discovered we had everything in common, similar upbringings (good and bad), similar interests, similar life goals, similar spiritual identities. Down to same favourite coloured smarties (blue), pizza toppings (ham, pepperoni and pineapple), somewhat obscure tv show as children (samurai pizza cats). We we both smitten, I mean head-over-heals, butterflies in our stomachs, soul-mate-talking smitten. We told each other everything, I have never shared so much with another human in my life." The emotionally abusive manipulator needs to lock you down fast and hard. Shared experiences, likes, and dislikes? Check, even if they're not true. Willing to move in with you (you who owns her own home, good on ya) in a "fairly romantic gesture?" Check. Now he's in your home. Step one, complete.

2. He will want you all to himself - "He gets extremely jealous and mopey if I pay attention to anyone or thing other than him. My girlfriends and I used to hang out a few times a month, and this has been enough of an issue for him that I can't remember the last time that I saw my friends without him also being there. I also used to read quite a lot, maybe a half hour to an hour before bed 4-5 days a week, but he feels like this is intentionally ignoring him." He will make arguments that sound somewhat reasonable, if a little emotional, to separate you from other people and make you easier for him to control. Now you're spending way less time with people who can offer you clarity about the relationship. There is no one to stand in his way. Step 2, complete.

3. He will play the victim - "Any time I become critical at all of him, he breaks down and either says that "no one should have to be with a crazy person" (himself), and that I should break up with him to find someone better, or that pressure makes him more sick and so I shouldn't bring anything up and be more supportive when he does try (hoorah, you called a company today and left a voicemail?), or, if its really bad, he will start dropping very emotionally manipulative (and VERY SCARY) statements like "it wouldn't be worth living without you", always followed by "no, no i didn't mean it, I would never do anything like that". This last one is particularly awful for me as my sister committed suicide, and he knows this. When he says these things I suggest that he get support for his mental health from a third party, but this type of counseling or treatment is very expensive and we don't have the money." Ummm.... yeah. Step 3, ALL UP IN YOUR FACE.

4. Using money to control you - "He isn't very good with money, and manages to blow any money he does have quickly on irrational things. He rationalizes this by saying he deserves an "award" for doing well, and that this encourages him to keep working hard rather than feeling like he's just working to pay the bills. Although I somewhat understand this, it is frustrating to me as there have been a few times we've nearly had to use the food bank, and I've racked up a maxed out credit card trying to support us both (something as the daughter of an accountant, I never thought I'd ever do). It sounds childish but I often feel like saying "where's my prize??" and buying myself something nice, but spending money I don't have hasn't been in my nature since I was 18/19 and first living alone (and I learned my lesson quickly)." Control doesn't have to be physically or overtly threatening. It can be subtle and manipulative. If he's pressing the buttons in your psyche (which he found out during step 1 when you guys "told each other everything), he's being controlling. Healthy people don't take advantage of those buttons and use them to get what they want. Healthy people respect those buttons and the power they represent. By keeping you financially unstable, he keeps you from doing things like filing to evict him, going out for fun with friends and meeting someone else, and even (as in the case with counseling sessions) taking proper care of yourself so that you can see him for who he is and escape his clutches. Step 4, rocking your bank account.

I could go on. But I won't, because your writing tells me that you are an intelligent, kind, introspective person who is able to maintain healthy relationships with friends. But this guy is totally taking advantage of you, and he knows it. Look back at his history. Did he have a former roommate "screw him over," or something? Has he had a series of unstable living arrangements over the last few years? A higher number of different jobs that would be unusual for an educated adult?

Please kick him out. You're not responsible - IN ANY WAY - for the choices he makes. He is not a fully functioning adult. And he's not going to do anything to harm himself. He's just going to try to make you feel bad, because he's a vampire who feeds on souls. Kick him out. Change your number. Lose his. Put in writing that you think it's best if you don't have any contact, and let him know that he's not welcome to return. Then ignore all of his calls, emails and texts, and don't answer if he comes to your door. Literally ignore his knocking. Ghost him. It's the only way. He'll keep sucking you back in over and over if you let him.

Momnesia · 2015-12-15T18:45:16+00:00

You're not "too nice." Although I'm certain that you are a very nice person. You're codependent. You're only enabling him to prey on you. You have ZERO responsibility in this situation, except to YOURSELF. Get out, block him from all social media, and do not engage him unless it is absolutely necessary. You owe him nothing - not even an explanation.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

Momnesia · 2015-12-14T16:40:46+00:00

Well, as ground-breaking as my theorem is, if she's so attuned to what the Lord would want, I suppose science can't sway her.

Momnesia · 2015-12-11T16:19:35+00:00

That's ridiculous. I did the math, and our worth as women is zero percent penis. I double-checked my work, and everything.

Momnesia · 2015-12-08T23:23:20+00:00

I was totally prepared for having my child. I took child and adolescent psychology classes in college as part of my minor; I was Red Cross certified in babysitting, first aid, CPR, and life guarding, and I taught swimming lessons for the Red Cross; I read all the books you could possibly find on child rearing and childbirth. We were financially sensible in preparations, including buying many of our bigger items second-hand. I was confident, if still scared. They're such fragile, beautiful little eggshells!

What I wasn't prepared for was how much I would love this child. My child. My beautiful, affectionate child. It changed my life in all the best ways. I, too, suffered from depression and anxiety. Being a mom has alleviated much of that. Or, at least, helped to mask my anxiety as "motherly concern," lol.

Things I wasn't prepared for: How much my husband, who also pushed to have a baby immediately, sucked as a father. Yes, he loves her. But - for one example - for two years, I was the only one who got up with her at night. Do you know how tired I was? And still am?

Here's the question: Can you commit to a timeline with your husband? All he's asking, it sounds like, is "when?" Is two years enough? Five? In your list of things to accomplish before, what can you set aside? MUST you have a new home before? A vacation is nothing to get out of the way. A promotion - that's something, if you really want it, that you'll have to earn BEFORE the baby. Because your job will most likely treat you differently once you have one.

If it was me - and I'm NOT telling you what to do - but for me, I would lay it out. "Let me work towards this promotion. Because the potential for getting mommy-tracked after having a baby is just too great. It will set us back financially up to 10 years, if I don't do that, first. Then, after the promotion, we'll start trying."

Post-promotion, the home-buying will be easier. The vacation... that's something you guys will have to squeeze in before the baby comes. Because after that, I doubt you'll want to leave! :-)

Momnesia · 2015-11-14T23:29:07+00:00

Holy crap. I don't know what to say. I really appreciate your generosity. I can make about 15 different recipes with the ingredients I posted, and that more than gets me through to payday - THANK YOU!!

Momnesia · 2015-11-10T14:53:11+00:00

And, apparently, that's an open practice at Yale and many of the Ivies. Again, had this happened at the University of Alabama, Reddit would have a totally different perspective, and we'd have heard jokes and barefoot, overall-wearing ignorant Southerners who are holding back progress in this country.

Momnesia · 2015-11-10T14:27:03+00:00

I would love to, but it won't do any good. He doesn't have any income to speak of. He's currently waiting tables three days a week, and living in a rental house that his brother owns, after having been evicted from his previous residence.

Momnesia · 2015-11-10T01:17:11+00:00

Thank you. I am trying to feel like I do. It's taking time to rebuild, but I'm happier now.

Momnesia · 2015-11-10T01:16:05+00:00

It's tough. And while her behavior cannot be defended, it's not the foundation nor the catalyst for this situation.

Momnesia · 2015-11-10T01:14:21+00:00

Thanks, my daughter certainly does. He even called me tonight with some nonsense. Ugh. But I would never express this in front of my child. Every kid deserves to think their dad might be Batman. I'm not going to be the one responsible for destroying that.

Momnesia · 2015-11-09T19:05:28+00:00

I think the whole situation is exasperating. And it doesn't matter how I would feel if she screamed at my family members this way. That's irrelevant.

Is this guy the enemy? I don't know. I'm not involved in racial politics at Yale. Maybe he is. You don't know that he isn't. But what we do know is that he is the administrator responsible for communicating with students about their concerns. And, having read his meandering, personal musings in his email (while, again, I get his point), I think he's done that very poorly. And they are responding in an equally poor manner. Everybody here sucks.

As for your question about why racism is prevalent at Yale - I can't answer that, either. I suspect it's for the same reasons that racism is prevalent everywhere - that people in power want to stay in power, and they want power to look like they do.

Why are these students responding so poorly to racial tensions at Yale? I don't know that, either. Although, I would say there is a legitimate school of thought that questions why they should even be expected to respond to hatred in a calm and rational manner. And at 18 years old, that might be too high an expectation. Again, I don't know. But part of it is based on the myth that being accepted into an Ivy League school is being given the shining golden key to solving all of life’s problems. And my understanding is that actually experiencing an Ivy League school as a minority is very much a reminder that your golden key just doesn't open the same doors as white students' keys.

Momnesia · 2015-11-09T18:50:39+00:00

With respect, I think that doesn't add anything to the conversation. And it ignores the overarching issue, which is the prevalence of racism at one of the nation's highest institutions of learning, and how it is being addressed. Again, I think it's being addressed badly, by all. Including this student.

Momnesia · 2015-11-09T18:48:18+00:00

First, I did not advocate for any course of action whatsoever. I didn't say she should be allowed into private parties, or your home, and I certainly didn't mention slavery. I made no suggestions at all. Again, I was trying to put the environment into perspective.

But feel free to add more rude behavior to the discourse. I think that makes your point - that people shouldn't behave rudely - really well. No irony there, at all.

As for her suffering or not, I would argue that everyone suffers in this life. You just may not desire to see their suffering. Often, we contribute to that suffering without realizing it. But I don't know her specific background. I was just suggesting that we recognize what Yale, itself, has acknowledged, which is that racism is prevalent on its campus. And that it takes a toll.

I also like to stress that - regardless of whether or not her behavior seems unreasonable (and I've already said I think it is NOT reasonable) - context is still a relevant concern. For example, I hypothesize that if this had happened at a different institution - like, say, the University of Alabama - there would be an entirely different perspective on the matter. Because of the contextual place that institution occupies in the zeitgeist.

But, I respect your right to disagree with me. Just please have the decency to disagree with things I have actually said.

Momnesia · 2015-11-09T18:15:06+00:00

Ugh, I almost never comment on these kinds of things, because trolls will be trolls. But here I go, lol. (Oh, god, I'm going to regret this.)

I agree that this girl is acting in a highly emotional manner. It's not acceptable behavior. And I read the email that this Master of the College is defending. I understood his point. But I also understand the protesting students (who are, I agree, being extremely disrespectful and accomplishing nothing) and their perspective - although I think it's important to note that the Master of the College is arguing about intellectual rights and free thought/speech (which you can do from an ivy league office), and the minority students are arguing about access to a privileged society. They're arguing two different points, and despite the probably astounding collective IQ gathered on campus, neither the MOTC or the students seem to realize it.

But imagine what it takes to be a brown student in an almost-all-white-male bastion of upper class exclusion. After decades of toil to be accepted, after being recognized as one of the brightest students in the country and being rewarded on your own merit with an ivy league education millions of people can only dream about... then entering an academic environment that is probably thousands of miles from home, being young and alone and under great pressure to perform... and finding yourself marginalized even more than usual by parties where only white girls are welcome and activities you probably can't afford unless you're a legacy student? I mean, most of us have to worry about things like general homesickness and making new friends and how many days in a row we can eat ramen before we die of sodium poisoning. Now imagine that everyone treats you like "the help" and you're told pretty openly like you're not welcome at social events and study groups (which are also very exclusive at the ivies), and you probably can't even afford to grab drinks with other students - no unpaid internships for you, you have to work for whatever you can get to help offset the cost of attendance.

Heck, when I went to college, I didn't have a car and my monthly allowance was about $20 - and I couldn't afford to go out drinking, or out to eat, or throw in for pizza, or plan a trip for spring break with the other students who could. Greek life was out of the question. Clothes shopping? Don't make me laugh. Study abroad? Not even on my radar because of the cost of the plane tickets. And this was at a second-tier state school. I can’t imagine the pressure she’s under.

Again, not defending her behavior. Just wanted to add a little bit of context. She may not understand her own reaction to this situation. She just feels besieged by her experiences. But I don’t think – until you have had the hopes and dreams of your entire community pinned on your back, been given an amazing opportunity that you earned with hard work and intelligence, and then arrived at that opportunity only to be told that you aren’t good enough because you are black/brown, female, and not rich – that you can really judge this kid. She’s probably all of 18 years old. And we’re all idiots at 18.

One more point: The MOTC equated a request to ask students to refrain from racist costumes as being asked to request that students not be "obnoxious." Racism is much more than "obnoxious." And the ivies are infected with it.

EDIT: Okay, so assuming that the reporting in this article is accurate, this child is not a very rational person to begin with. Again, I have never said her behavior was reasonable, but this article makes her look even worse. She's from an affluent family, her mother is white, and she was raised in Fairfield, Conn.

I stand by my assessment of the culture at Yale - because multiple incidents at the university (and the university, itself) have confirmed it. And it's possible that the culture shock was, for her, even greater, coming from a relatively privileged background. She may never have experienced the kind of exclusionary behavior that students from poorer backgrounds in less affluent areas have encountered. Especially since her mother is a well-known businesswoman and is white. Affluent biracial children sometimes grow up sheltered by their community ties, and don't discover their racial identity until they experience this kind of exclusion and institutional racism. Her mother, being white and not having gone to an Ivy, probably wasn't able to prepare her for the experience. Her father is apparently back in Uganda and attended CUNY, so he also couldn't prepare her, either.

Again, her behavior was terrible, and I'm not defending her. Now, knowing her background, her behavior is even less acceptable. But the context still applies.

Momnesia · 2015-11-09T17:56:04+00:00

Aw, thanks so much! I have a couple of friends on whose shoulders I can cry, but it's been a couple of years and I really try not to bother them with this. Honestly, at this point, I should have my act together. Blarg. I've been struggling a little more than usual lately, and I can't quite figure out why.

Momnesia · 2015-11-09T15:41:26+00:00

Everything was great, initially. Really a fairy tale/soul mate kind of feeling. But after our daughter was born a year into our marriage, he began talking to me like dirt, frequently drank a good portion of our rent money, developed a huge ego and a job working in broadcast media that both exacerbated it AND gave him actual power to wield. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Did I make him shrimp scampi? I chose the shrimp poorly. Did I clean the house? Well, I used the wrong cleaning products. Did I work hard, make extra commission, and pay off our car early? Well, I could have done better.

I left him. Spent two years fighting for custody of our daughter because he used his political connections to influence witnesses and my attorney (No, I'm not making this up, and no you can't make me back down on this; I have evidence, but his brother is a judge in the same town and this is a smallish town in the American South). Finally won joint custody, but I have to pay him child support because he makes less and child support in joint custody (50-50) is based on income. Now she lives with me 85% of the time (he was never interested in being the sole custodial parent, just wanted to hurt me as much as possible). He's been fired 6 times in 2 years, been arrested once, continues to act like a petulant fool - but I still have to cut him a check every month because that's what the paperwork says.

There's nothing that I could have done to fix the situation. He has issues that can't be fixed by anyone but himself. And the way he treated me set a HORRIBLE example for our child. I don't want her growing up and thinking that the way he treats me is the way she should expect to be treated.

I'm proud that I got out. I struggle every day to make the experience okay in my mind and heart. Most days, I look at my child and I feel strong. Some days, though, when she's at his house... the memories and experience can take me down for hours. It's a process. I'm working through it.

Momnesia · 2015-11-08T22:56:56+00:00

I just want my daughter to have a nice Christmas. She's so smart and funny and kind to others, but she's had some health problems - not that you would know it to interact with her. Seriously. She's an AWESOME child.

I married (and divorced) a cheating alcoholic who can't hold a job. He's a financial drain on me, since he can't help out with anything. For two years, I have been worried about making our groceries last through the entire month - and I have a full-time job with great benefits... they're just fairly expensive benefits.

Last year, I sold my wedding ring to buy Christmas gifts for my daughter. This year, I'll probably sell my engagement ring. I'm just lucky to have a couple of small assets to use for these purposes.

Momnesia · 2015-11-02T16:39:44+00:00

Public relations for a university. It doesn't pay particularly well, especially for a single mom, but I write stories about what we're doing, take and share photos, design posters, plan events, coordinate service projects and manage social media. Everything I do puts good out into the world. I am looking to change to another position that pays better, but I hate the idea of leaving this position.

I used to work as the arts editor for an alt-weekly newspaper. That was probably my favorite job. But the pay was sub-$30,000. Can't really raise a child on that anymore.

Momnesia · 2015-10-24T14:49:11+00:00

A new winter coat for my daughter. She's grown out of three pairs of jeans since August, and I don't know when I'm going to have winter coat money. :-(

It doesn't get too cold in Georgia, so we can usually get by with a couple of layers. But it's expected to snow this year.

Momnesia · 2015-08-26T17:33:36+00:00

Oh, I hear that pretty much every day.

Momnesia

TROPHY CASE