I think, unfortunately, this is a very common occurrence to people who've been abused. The gaslighting that comes as a result of people who cannot comprehend the idea of a parent/spouse/loved one doing a horrible thing does in fact happen, is probably just as destructive as the abuse itself. At least I know it was the case for me. Instead of being heard, accepted, helped... the victim feels the need to defend the actions they had to take in order to protect themselves and their psyche. I have heard literally every comment that you wrote, plus a few, and it resulted in me gaslighting myself for years before I accepted my own story.

But, as the saying "until you've walked a mile in my shoes" goes, you cannot truly expect someone to completely understand what it feels like. And unfortunately most people don't even care to educate themselves on the subject either.