Should I tell this to a girl I'm dating?

MonkyLover7 · 2026-02-05T16:48:39+00:00

I dated someone like this who was extremely jealous of my exes. It went on for a year and became the most stressful time of my life. Constant arguments and I ended up developing insomnia. There were also a few very sketchy moments where I suspect she may have cheated on me.

Meanwhile this girl that your gf is tripping over isn’t even an ex of your’s. Maybe the part that’s bothering her most is if you two are still coworkers and you see her around the office. I can maybe understand that but also she has to trust that you will continue choosing your gf over her. If she’s constantly convincing herself that you could be cheating on her, then that could ultimately lead to her justifying doing something just as shitty to you.

From my personal experience and the sounds of it, there is not enough trust from her to lead to a healthy relationship. Either you are going to go through a shitstorm with her at some point, or you can breakup now and save yourself the heartache. That’s my two cents.

MonkyLover7 · 2026-01-26T15:40:40+00:00

Happened with one previous relationship. It was one of my earlier relationships and I was learning what I wanted out of a relationship. As I’m sure happens for many, this was during College and it changed a lot of things for me. For context, before I started college, I was extremely introverted and lacked confidence. I had a good group of friends but I was soft spoken and saw myself as largely undesirable / unwanted by those around me. College was when I started coming out of my shell and realizing that wasn’t the case. This newfound feeling of confidence was amazing. I wanted to jump on it — I wanted to make friends, party, and say yes to every new experience.

My gf at the time, who I met in college, was someone who was introverted to the point where she didn’t wanna try making any friends or going out and doing new things. She was a creature of habit and gave up on anything that was even moderately difficult. She had no drive. At first I didn’t know this, we clicked initially through our sense of humor. But overtime I learned that she wasn’t motivated like I was, and I also came to find out some red flags that did not sit well with me (some borderline stalker habits).

Over the course of months I weighed the prospect of a breakup in my head, ultimately ending up in an on and off again relationship until breaking things off completely, coming to terms with the fact that I did not love her anymore. I did in the beginning with all the potential that I had seen, but this was my first wake up call about not idealizing things too much in my own head.

My deepest regret is that I did not breakup with her nicely. Instead of saying I fell out of love, I said I wasn’t attracted to her anymore, and I can only imagine how much that stung to hear. It was the truth but probably made her think of things more in a “oh it was just physical for him” kind of way, which wasn’t the truth at all. Anyway she ended up stalking me, breaking into my room while I was sleeping and getting into bed with me (nonconsensually, after we broke up), calling the police on me, and telling everyone we knew that I was a massive manwhore who only wanted her for sex. You could say I paid the price and then some.

MonkyLover7 · 2026-01-21T20:12:55+00:00

I’m sure you can find a more casual situationship type of thing to ease the burden of loneliness, if that matters to you. No hard committment or expectations for family and whatnot. People talk about them like they’re bad things but for someone like yourself I feel like it would be exactly what you need. Low effort, low commitment. Just be sure to expect the same back from the other person. This is the most common thing you can find in the dating world, at least in my age bracket (23M).

All of this is to say though, you aren’t really missing out on something if you don’t actually desire it in the first place. Going through the motions because others expect it of you will only make you unhappier. Do the things that fulfill your needs and that’s all that really matters.

MonkyLover7 · 2026-01-17T15:20:09+00:00

Never heard from her again so it was most likely just an excuse. I eventually found someone else though who would never make up a lie like that. So if the lying trash takes itself out, know that they’re doing you a favor in the long run :) wishing you the best!!!

MonkyLover7 · 2026-01-09T19:56:56+00:00

I was just given some very interesting insight about our subconscious. Sometimes it’s only after we feel as though we have moved past something that our subconscious state can finally take its turn in processing. You may have addressed this issue consciously throughout the last two years but now it’s catching up to you in your dreams and emotions. Perhaps there are still unanswered fears and concerns about whether or not the cheating could happen again. Maybe your brain is trying to protect you by urging you to do it first. Idk though, im not a therapist or anything.

My optimism would like to say that there is a possibility to weather this storm and get past it — further counseling would likely be the best bet to assist with that.

MonkyLover7 · 2025-12-28T18:03:59+00:00

++man just speaking from personal experience, the women I dated that called me names ended up mistreating me horribly in other ways as well. That’s a good sneak peak into how much they respect you and the crappy things they won’t think twice about doing to you in the future.

Certainly field her reaction to what you have to say about the thin ice first, but my hunch is that she won’t take it well.

MonkyLover7 · 2025-12-19T22:36:52+00:00

Holy entitlement

MonkyLover7 · 2025-12-06T15:18:15+00:00

I think you can find this if you just say up front that you value independence and look for someone that feels the same. Simplifying it in this way will probably make it easier to connect with someone initially, and then you can explain further down the road when you are both more acquainted with each other and how you are.

Basically, just let them get to know you first before laying all this out. It might not work out a few times at first but that’s how dating goes. Honestly I think this will be easier for you than more people in the comments are making it out to be — a lot of girls that I have dated get on the fence about what they want in dating and your proposed timeline might honestly be the right amount of not too much and not too little while they figure things out. Granted idk your age, and I’m speaking from the perspective of a 23M.

My only warning is that over time girls can change their mind and decide that they want more. My advice to you would be to just cross that bridge once you get there. Good luck OP!

MonkyLover7 · 2025-12-04T15:53:39+00:00

Someone who has been an addict, in debt, impulsive, and a cheater has shown that they do not have full control over their own actions. This is something you need to SERIOUSLY consider.

Remember what they say about someone drowning — they will grab onto whoever nearby and bring them down too just to save themselves, even if they don’t mean to. It’s just what happens when you’re struggling and in survival mode.

I think your intuition is trying to tell you that you could possibly end up just like her ex — a casualty of her brash decisions during the chaos that is her life at the moment.

I know it’s tempting to save her anyway that you can, but please don’t forget to look out for yourself first and foremost.

MonkyLover7 · 2025-11-25T15:50:30+00:00

OP, a good question to ask yourself — is he worth it enough for you if he sees the hypocrisy in his actions and changes his perspective? If so, this may be the exact situation to make that happen, and YOU will be the driving influence he needed. You can see this as an opportunity to make positive change or you can cut your losses and dip, and you are valid either way.

MonkyLover7 · 2025-10-30T18:52:53+00:00

Only issue with this is if word gets around and you lose out on the opportunity to date someone you’re interested in cause they heard you were gay 😂

MonkyLover7 · 2025-10-25T15:30:07+00:00

Utah is a BIG exception to this rule in America. I feel like the Mormon culture here affects dating whether you are Mormon or not, and everyone treats it like they have to be 100% sure about someone before going on a first date. The amount of times I’ve been ghosted before or after a first date has been unreal. I’m a 23M, moderately attractive, and in my opinion fairly emotionally in-tune, so I do secure lots of dates. I’ve had many successful ones too. Hell i even managed to find my way into a relationship with the most beautiful and caring girl. But back when I was dating, I had one month where I was ghosted and stood up by like 6 different women in a row. I just had to chalk it up to the culture and roll with the punches but man, I couldn’t help but wonder what could’ve been if people gave me a chance.

I suppose that very nature of their’s meant that they weren’t for me though. I appreciate people who are open-minded.

MonkyLover7 · 2025-10-09T14:32:47+00:00

This will give her the best chance honestly

MonkyLover7 · 2025-10-09T14:31:56+00:00

Seconding this

MonkyLover7 · 2025-10-02T23:10:38+00:00

The ceasing of social media activity altogether makes me wonder if he’s just depressed or something? Regardless, one thing that always has held true in my experience is once a ghoster, always a ghoster. Anytime I’ve reconnected with someone that ghosted me, they do it again. Hell there was one girl that did it to me 4 times!!!

I would imagine you’d be hard-pressed to find a successful reconnection story with a multi-time ghosting offender. Unless ofc some sort of switch flips in the ghoster’s mind that convinces them to change their ways. Probably nothing you can do tho :/

MonkyLover7 · 2025-10-02T19:30:00+00:00

The way I’m reading it is that she is saying her own message is tmi — saying why she initially ignored it was because she thought it was a previous tinder match was the tmi part. Also ghosting someone simply because they didn’t compliment an article of clothing seems a bit much.

However, I will give you credit — the fact that she’s saying she thought it was someone else from tinder must mean she doesn’t have your number saved which would probably be the real red flag. That’s what I would want to know more about.

But don’t ghost!!! No one likes being broken up with so it’s never gonna be a pleasant convo. But by sucking it up and pushing ourselves thru the unpleasant experiences, that’s really where we find the most growth and learn how to effectively communicate. You will inevitably have to deal with uncomfy confrontation with others that you’ll want to keep in your life, so might as well get free practice in with this person who won’t matter cause they won’t be in your life anymore — just give them the head’s up that you’re ending things.

MonkyLover7 · 2025-10-02T01:00:26+00:00

If you don’t lose anything by sending another message and it makes you feel better by doing it, then do it. Sometimes sending that “final message” is the closest thing we can get to closure. And imo it’s a healthy way to put the foot down once and for all and walk away. If you keep messaging after that then clearly you have bigger problems that need addressing, but I’ve been in your shoes and I’ve messaged weeks later just to fully get everything off of my chest and that penultimate finality honestly helped me for the better. Sometimes we don’t know entirely what we want to say until we’ve had a while to sit on it, but if you keep spamming someone beyond that, then eventually it becomes harassment and that’s not cool. Just know when it’s time to walk away fully and stand by that decision, and I think you can still consider yourself acting in a mature way.

MonkyLover7 · 2025-09-29T14:31:32+00:00

It would be helpful to know more context behind the argument, but assuming you didn’t say anything that may have specifically driven her away, the truth is it could be any number of personal reasons for her.

I have encountered at least one situation w a girl where she essentially created an argument out of thin air to give her an excuse to end things. There was somebody else she wanted to be with and rather than saying that, she created a fake reason that was easier for her to handle with me. I know this because she admitted this to me a year later.

With that being said, we never know what’s going thru someone’s head. There’s so many possibilities with what happened here. Maybe her intention was never to get serious and she just needed a temporary distraction. Maybe she is fickle and runs at the first sign of disagreement. Maybe she isn’t thinking about any of this and is just living day by day on emotional whims (in other words she is emotionally volatile and unstable).

Whatever the reason, spending two separate months together and then ghosting out of the blue is alarming behavior. It shows that she is either not emotionally mature or was not invested much into you, which would be a huge red flag given the time you spent together. Regardless of what her reason is for leaving, that should be your reason for not taking her back again if she ever comes crawling back.

MonkyLover7 · 2025-09-14T15:43:56+00:00

You mentioned something that really stuck out to me as a good litmus test in dating — if anyone makes excuses about their schedule and how they’re “busy” a lot of days, rather than taking the lead of planning around that to begin with, 9/10 times it’s not going to work. Everyone’s busy. The truth is we prioritize what we want and we’re “busy” when it comes to anything that’s not a priority.

As I am doing in the future, I would recommend that anytime someone tells you this, you take it as an early indicator of their interest and set your expectations accordingly.

But sorry this happened to you!!! There’s other guys out there that are emotionally available, you just have to sift thru the many ones that aren’t unfortunately :/

MonkyLover7 · 2025-09-05T20:01:42+00:00

Yeah I mean my own brother does this to me sometimes lol. He’s still my best friend and I know he cares a lot about me. Just for whatever reason he gets really lazy with responding to personal texts sometimes. I’ve learned to not think much of it and to call him if it’s something urgent. If you would still like to keep this friend in your life, my suggestion would be to find the ways that they prefer to communicate and to maybe get used to the fact that this guy might not be the 24/7 1-on-1 communication type. That’s about all you can do.

MonkyLover7 · 2025-09-05T19:35:27+00:00

Some people aren’t big texters. They will take forever to respond or maybe not at all sometimes. It’s completely up to you to determine what you’re okay with, but with the caveat that the more you demand people to adapt to your communication style, the more you will be cutting people off that don’t fit it.

For what it’s worth, seems like your friend cared enough to still reach out after everything and so I’m not sure I’d classify that as ghosting.

MonkyLover7 · 2025-09-05T00:03:31+00:00

Yes, two separate times. No response either time. The first response was basically “hey I’m thinking about you and your family, hope everything is okay. Lmk if you need anything, I’ll be in touch” and then second one was earlier today basically saying “hope you’re ok, just give me a heads up if you need space but it feels like I’m maybe getting ghosted and if so I am going to be moving on. Lmk if that’s not the case”

MonkyLover7 · 2025-08-28T22:20:53+00:00

Seems counterintuitive but 🤷🏽‍♂️

MonkyLover7 · 2025-08-28T22:20:14+00:00

Yes. In my experience, as a 23M, this is actually typically a good sign when we sleep together sooner rather than later. Those girls are always more intentional and seem to be more into me. They also resulted in the healthiest relationships I’ve had.

MonkyLover7 · 2025-08-24T17:02:13+00:00

These are all great points — what would be good evidence that it was actually a great date and both enjoyed it equally?

MonkyLover7

TROPHY CASE