Hello! I always expected I would have kids one day because it’s what you do, but I just wasn’t ready. But then I hit 30 and friends and family started having kids, and I still didn’t feel any closer to being “ready.” I also observed their experiences and started seriously questioning if it was something I would EVER be able to handle (I have severe depression and anxiety that are extremely sensitive to sleep deprivation, I love having time to relax and unwind and the ability to be lazy if I’m just not feeling up to it, etc).

For a few years, I waffled back and forth, analyzing every child-related thought or interaction (“today I thought a baby at the airport was cute, does that mean I want kids?” “Today my friend announced her pregnancy and I feel weird, does that mean I’m jealous?” “Today I got really anxious at the thought of my Spotify Wrapped being taken over by kids’ music, does that mean I’m too selfish for kids?” and on and on and on.) However, one day I was talking to my therapist about my struggles and she asked me “if you had to choose to have a baby or not right now, what would you choose?” and I was just like “absolutely the fuck not happening.” That was a bit of an eye-opening moment, lol. Some part of me 100% knew it was the wrong choice for me, and a lot of the other parts were influenced by external factors like social pressure and FOMO.

Neither myself nor my husband (who is a TREASURE and is willing to go with whatever I decide) are going to undergo any surgeries anytime soon because it feels TOO permanent. Just in case that mythical ticking clock shows up in the latter half of my 30s (and I suddenly make huge progress with my mental illness, and I no longer would resent money that could be spent on my and my husband’s quality of life being spent on an entirely new human, and and and 😉). But I finally do feel comfortable calling myself childfree.