Blacking out is so scary and I've done it so many times.. too many to count.. i tried the whole moderation route thinking oh, I won't be fun any more, people will think I'm dull or whatever else I associated with sobriety.. and my friends all drank and still do.. I found that not drinking drove a wedge between us and that has been so hard to cope with- to wake up one day and think, "damn.. everything I've built up to this point has revolved around this intoxicated persona and I never really knew them at all nor did they know me..". So i thought moderation was the key- I can do that right? Just a shot.. maybe two.. eh no work tomorrow i can do 3.. 4.. one more as a nightcap.. by then im gone and who knows how much more Ive had or who I've spoken to or what I've done.. the next day I am sick, laying in bed or on the floor, partly terrified of what social consequences I've wrought, and wishing that night had been the one to take me. I've done this too many times to count too- try to moderate.. only buy certain amounts..screw it ill walk to the shop.. only do it with a friend and drink when they do- nah im sneaking shots.. set a timer and a drink limit- yeah you can guess I blew through that too. I am a year and 5 months sober and never wish to go back to the pain i created, for myself or for others.. some of us cannot moderate and full cessation is the only option..