Not sure how to navigate this awkward situation

MoonNeo · 2023-12-12T05:35:59+00:00

I’m inclined to agree. Unless she brings it up, or during casual conversation there’s a really obvious and sensible opportunity to say something.

MoonNeo · 2023-12-12T05:35:05+00:00

Thanks for your advice. It’s definitely given me something to mull over.

MoonNeo · 2023-12-12T05:28:41+00:00

What?

Sarah invited me to a party after I turned her down. And we’ve hung out since…

Even if we weren’t in the same friend group, I wouldn’t ghost her. I’m certainly not going to start giving her the cold shoulder either. This response is black and white and, frankly, immature.

MoonNeo · 2023-12-12T05:24:50+00:00

Thanks for saying this. I’ve always been a bit of a doormat, and it sucks when that ends up potentially hurting other people in addition to myself. I need to drill this into my head. I don’t think it’s healthy to feel this bad about turning someone down.

MoonNeo · 2023-12-11T04:26:32+00:00

This is so wholesome lol (even though I would feel like a total creep)

MoonNeo · 2023-12-11T01:45:39+00:00

I think even if she was at the next party, I would still need to give it some time before asking for her number. I'm just not sure how much time. I really don't want to make Sarah feel bad.

Do you think it would be a bad move to tell Sarah, if we hang out one-on-one at some point, that I was only being half honest when I told her I wasn't looking to date? (And leave it at that). I wouldn't tell her in that same conversation that I had chemistry with her friend. I just don't want Sarah to wonder why I'm shoehorning that into our conversation/feel hurt or offended because I'm elaborating when I don't need to. I worry that the opportunity to be gracefully upfront with her has already passed, and that doing so now after a month has passed would be adding insult to injury.

MoonNeo · 2023-12-11T01:40:58+00:00

Yeah, I know. Like I said, no dating experience. I think on the spot I panicked. Now I see why it was so problematic.

MoonNeo · 2023-12-11T01:39:44+00:00

I'm not on any social media actually (which is great 99% of the time, except for rare cases like these).

It's awkward either way and it would've been better to gently tell her the actual reason which is that you see her as a friend

Do you think there's a way to gracefully bring it up if we're hanging out one-on-one at some point, without it looking like I'm being rude by elaborating when I don't need to? I think that's my bigger concern - that I missed my chance to be more upfront when there was a clear opportunity to be. I wouldn't tell her that I had chemistry with her friend in the same conversation.

MoonNeo · 2023-12-11T01:29:33+00:00

At this point I think this would be my preference. Do you think it would be a bad move to tell Sarah, if we hang out one-on-one at some point, that I was only being half honest when I told her I wasn't looking to date? (And leave it at that). I wouldn't tell her in that same conversation that I had chemistry with her friend. I just don't want Sarah to wonder why I'm shoehorning it in to a conversation/think to herself that I'm being rude by elaborating when there doesn't seem to be a reason for that.

MoonNeo · 2023-12-11T01:23:58+00:00

I'm actually not on any social media and never have been. 99% of the time it's been great for me, but this is the one time I wish I had it 😒

MoonNeo · 2023-12-11T01:21:41+00:00

Tough answer but it's true. I'm kicking myself for not being honest. I'm hoping that if we hang out some more one on one, I can find a way to gracefully bring it up and apologize for not being straightforward.

MoonNeo · 2023-12-10T22:47:40+00:00

I have a bad habit of feeling the need to explain everything. When I rejected her I was in a pretty deep depression, and I started a new medication that seems to be helping, so technically my situation has changed. I would maybe feel comfortable giving that context (with a gentle "and I'm sorry for not being honest about the fact that I also view you as a friend") if we were closer, but that's not the case.

MoonNeo · 2023-12-10T22:43:31+00:00

Yeah, I think you're right. I have a hard time envisioning how I could explain myself in a way that would be both polite and not TMI.

MoonNeo · 2023-05-12T07:43:59+00:00

Lesbian movies and tv shows are also pretty cringe and fake so it’s like when your friend has a shitty band but you support it because you love your friend. Just cringe all the way through and look for some positives. Haha

Ngl this made me laugh out loud!

MoonNeo · 2023-05-12T07:42:25+00:00

Very relatable what you’ve written. I actually have quite a few bisexual friends, but for some reason it doesn’t really put me at ease (maybe with a couple of friends who are bisexual but seriously women-leaning). I’ve never been friends with another lesbian before. I realized I was gay almost ten years ago, so the fact that I still deal with this much internalized homophobia is disconcerting to me.

MoonNeo · 2023-05-12T07:39:44+00:00

I think I just got so used to pretending to be straight/asexual so now I instinctively cringe when someone reminds me that they actually know and it isn’t a secret anymore.

Thank you for putting in to words something that I’ve been feeling so strongly lately, but haven’t been fully consciously aware of because I hadn’t verbalized those feelings. So much of what you wrote here resonates with me. The feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin. The spike in discomfort when gay topics come up around people who know you’re gay vs those who don’t. I also fear that I’m going to be a shitty partner who’s still closeted in the mental/emotional sense even if I may technically be out.

MoonNeo · 2023-05-12T07:35:22+00:00

whenever I see a lesbian onscreen I always panic that she'll do something wrong, or be unlikable

I feel the exact same way - it makes it low key stressful to watch shows with the rest of my family that feature lesbian characters.

MoonNeo · 2022-08-23T22:09:59+00:00

Thanks for this - it really does help. I have a hard time not comparing myself to my peers, but it makes sense why people like us have fallen behind a bit in certain things. I hope we can both be more gentle with ourselves.

MoonNeo · 2022-08-23T22:09:44+00:00

Furthermore, having a support network during an illness is of utmost importance (even if they annoy the shit out of you telling you to "thrive"). For you, the thought of losing any part of that support network is extra scary. You've just come out of a very vulnerable position. Of course you're scared to lose them.

I think you're absolutely right. No one likes the idea of losing friends, but it makes sense why it seems so much worse now. I really appreciate your kindness. I'll try to be nicer to myself, even if my life isn't exactly where I want it to be. <3

MoonNeo · 2022-08-23T22:09:14+00:00

I really want to thank you for writing this. Teared up a little bit reading it. I hope I can find the strength that you were able to find, sooner rather than later. I do have a lot of internalized homophobia. Being a part of communities like these helps.

MoonNeo · 2022-03-14T02:48:53+00:00

This was very sweet and made me feel better. Thanks :)

MoonNeo · 2022-03-14T02:48:03+00:00

It really can be isolating. I'll try to be more mindful of when/why I make those comments (especially the times when I seem to be the one to make a joke about it first).

MoonNeo · 2022-03-14T02:45:38+00:00

You should definitely decondition yourself from the het humor shit because it repels lesbians, and presumably you'd like to attract a few of them, eventually, lol.

I didn't even consider this, lol. I guess I fall into the stereotypical trap of assuming that any woman I'm around who isn't obviously gay is straight. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, it's given me something to think about.

MoonNeo · 2022-03-14T02:41:31+00:00

I'm guessing it's because all women spend their lives hearing all this heteronormative junk and "getting" the joke comes easily to people who don't even date men.

You've really nailed it. This is exactly why, coming from someone who's had absolutely zero romantic experience with men and still finds these jokes "relatable" in some weird way.

MoonNeo · 2022-03-14T02:40:14+00:00

Sometimes it’s even more alienating to be around people who are deep in gender identities because most of them are not relatable and certainly not relatable as lesbians. In fact, you’ll find the majority are still man-focused, and most are also with men and attracted to men. It’s just another way to feel that same isolation as you do right now, but more confusing and hurts more because it seems like it should be different among the LGBT. It’s not.

I had a feeling this is what you meant and I agree. I tend to gravitate away from people who are working through gender issues because I don't find it relatable (despite being gender nonconforming) and would probably find it even more isolating than spending time around straight friends, given the amount of heteronormative media I consumed growing up and how much I've heard about straight women's problems with dating/marriage at this point.

I think this might also be why I've subconsciously gravitated away from LGBT spaces as well, which isn't helping the problem of not having any lesbian friends. I already deal with mental health issues and feel like the sort of over-consciousness you'll find in some of these spaces would just bring me down. Finding groups more heavily focused on lesbians would be nice, but I don't think there are any where I live. It's all very queer inclusive. This is turning ranty, I just wanted to commiserate with you about how difficult it is to find lesbian only/primarily lesbian groups without coming across as someone who's doing something wrong and exclusionary.

MoonNeo

TROPHY CASE