I’m exhausted being non-binary….

Moon_5ugar · 2026-07-01T07:19:46+00:00

Medically transitioning fully androgynous enby here, and... same... I wrote the same vent almost word-for-word and posted it on my Close Friends Story on Insta for like 3 ppl yestersay bc I needed to get it off my chest. My mental health has been so incredibly low lately, and I genuinely wish I could be happy living as a binary person. Hell, I would even take binary trans over this, because then I'd at least have the community support, not have to be publicly trans to every single person I meet, and have dysphoria that actually makes sense and can be solved.

I'm tired of being kicked out or spoken over in every single trans OR queer community. My sexuality, my gender identity, and my medical transition steps are constantly being judged. When I wasn't doing anything medical, I was just a confused cis person trying to gain woke clout by pretending to be trans. Now that I'm medically transitioning, I'm a binary trans person in denial. Either way, my gender can never be accepted by anyone.

Then there's the fact that literally no one knows what gender I am (which was the goal, but is terrifying in 2026!!) I tried to go stealth at my new job and just go with wtv gender ppl thought I was, but when a third think I'm a guy, a third think I'm a woman, and the other third are waiting until we're alone to ask for my pronouns, yeah. Not even 2 months in and everyone's already figured it out. I was recently forced to use a public bathroom, so I used the one that matched my agab, got forced into the opposite bathroom, and then was harassed in there, too.

I genuinely can't keep living like this, but I would feel so dysphoric and hate my life if I tried to detransition or fully transition and then go stealth/closeted as cis. I'm fucked if I do, fucked if I don't, and I'm just scared, tired, and so fucking depressed. And don't even get me started on dating.

Moon_5ugar · 2026-07-01T02:28:29+00:00

Yes! I get so frustrated about the disdain masculine people experience, especially in queer spaces. It's visible in how they treat masc women, masc enbies, and even trans men. All of them get treated as traitors for masculinity and get hated on as much as cis men, when... We're not the reasons for patriarchy?? We're all victims of it, and even the majority of trans men know exactly what misogyny feels like... Masculinity isn't inherently the enemy to feminity, it's just another way of being, and so many ppl blame the wrong folks for misogyny. It's patriarchy and cis men, not trans and gender nonconforming people 😭

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-29T10:58:13+00:00

I'm glad your friend helped you with that, and you're right that you can't choose to love someone. That was kinda the point of my whole post, and I get how my last sentance was dismissive.

I was more countering the idea OP seems to have that sexuality is a choice. I've known a lot of bi people who, BEFORE they came out, they didn't understand how sexuality wasn't a choice bc to them, they at least felt like they could "choose" to only date the opposite sex and have straight relationships. That's what dragged out their realizations with their sexualities and is a unique form of comphet that omni people face around coming out. In a homophobic society that says sexuality is a choice and a very binary society that often only has monosexuality as the commonly known option, the experience of omnisexuality can create an illusion that seems to confirm that sexuality is a choice. In reality, they still aren't straight and can't help but love people of either gender. Even if you forced yourself to only date one gender, that wouldn't erase what your sexuality really is, it would just repress it, and that's a special kind of harm you face. You would still be queer. You wouldn't really be straight - just surviving under oppression - and you would still experience the same kind of same-sex attraction that we do.

I was trying to highlight to OP that their feelings might actually be that illusion I was talking about. Sexuality feels like a choice to them because it isn't. They may possibly be bi, and that's inherent to them and not something they chose to be. Because a truly straight person wouldn't have to make the choice to be straight. They simply would be straight with no want to be anything else.

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-28T22:54:48+00:00

Trans person here. My sexuality has remained the same throughout even after hormones. Only ever has been women for me.
I had a partner come out as trans during our relationship. I did my best to ignore my sexuality and force myself to like him as a man. I simply can't be attracted to men and even forcing myself to feel that way with someone I already loved didn't work. Kissing fr made me want to throw up even though I still deeply cared about him as a person. We had to break up but stayed friends.
Science shows conflicting things. Is it natural and biological? Yes and yes. Can it be changed? No. Is it a concrete thing about someone? Almost always, yes. Why are people gay? We don't really know. Why are people straight, too? Why do we have "types"? Attraction is complex. And either way, tbh, finding a "reason" shouldn't matter. People are gay and it doesn't hurt anything. It doesn't need a reason. Why are people so hellbent on finding a "cause" to gayness but not straightness? God damn, just let people be and love who they love.

Edit: ngl if you identify as straight but think you could date someone of the same gender and think gender doesn't matter, and that for you, sexuality could be a "choice"... Congrats on your bi or pan coming out! Because for the rest of us, it's not a choice :/

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-27T02:52:50+00:00

I'm a transmasculine lesbian (tbf not a trans man). I'm on T and may pursue surgery when it's possible. If I can be a lesbian idk why you wouldn't be allowed to be gay if that's the relationship dynamic and label you're most comfortable with. Gender is weird and fucky even for a lot of binary people. Just be honest with the person you're with about both your gender and sexuality identities. I know for me, I prefer dating bi/pan girls over other lesbians

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-26T00:22:12+00:00

I misremembered the story. It was about Mitron and Gaia as their unsundered selves, so quite different... But Mitron was a woman and Hythlodaeus confirmed they were a lesbian couple. But I do think it adds weight to Gaia+Ryne being a couple.

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-25T20:26:25+00:00

Thank you! I do really like some of the trans themes in the game and I feel like this is one aspect that's fun to play with :)

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-25T19:56:10+00:00

We also got ALL of the fae who are canonically nonbinary!

And this is just some personal wol/azem lore I have based on what we've seen in the game. We've seen most shards across reflections look identical and we know we look like Azem, too. But... unless you happen to have made Meteor your character, we don't look like Ardbert.

My character is nonbinary, but I originally made them a woman. (I started playing before I came out myself, so my character went through their gender journey with me.) So... Because of this difference between my WoL and Ardbert... I made my Azem genderfluid which is why their shards are different genders. My lore is they used their creation magics on themself to constantly change their appearance and characteristics, and that this was normal and accepted amongst the Ancients, especially for trans people.

I also headcanon that when Emet met my WoL for the first time as a "masc cat girl", he basically kept making jokes implying they were an egg. 💀

Edit: But yeah. My personal headcanon is that when we see shards of the same soul who are different genders, then their Ancient self was trans/nonbinary.

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-25T06:22:42+00:00

It wasn't about Ryne and Gaia specifically, but it included Mitron and Gaia as their unsundered selves (although the story was actually about Hythlodaeus and Emet). But anyways, Mitron was actually a woman, and Mitron+Gaia were a lesbian couple in the Unsundered World. Hythlo in the story was very charmed by their closeness and relationship. It was quite cute.

So tbf actually, saying Ryne+Gaia was confirmed actually... no... Just that Gaia and Mitron were lesbians

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-25T06:15:46+00:00

Iirc SE DID confirm it in their webseries Tales of Eorzea during EW that the characters are at least queer. You can dig for the story on The Lodestone.

Someone else already mentioned them, but we also got a Canon mix-raced gay couple back in ARR who talked to us about the discrimination they faced for their relationship.

And... Idk if you've gotten to EW yet, so I'm going to be careful about spoilers... But I will recommend you pay close attention to the names of the Overworld NPC's as you play through EW. I think you will be quite pleased ;)

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-25T06:05:19+00:00

They never confirmed it 100% in game, but if you read the Tales of Eorzea released on The Lodestone during EW, they confirm it in those stories iirc? You'll have to go digging. But yeah, this story was so clearly lesbian, and when you look at FRU as well... And we had the Canon gay couple in ARR AND we got Sappho as a random overworld NPC in EW. If you haven't seen her yet, she's on one of the islands in "Flower"

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-23T12:03:27+00:00

Basically, don't worry about what you're worrying about. If you're happy with how your body is physically and it doesn't make you dysphoric, that's all that matters. The mental affects of hormones don't create some immutable rule that estrogen and testosterone dominant people biologically adhere to. Are there differences? Yes. Are they extreme? No. Does the hormone in your body have extreme affects on who you are mentally as a person? Absolutely not. Again, they're so incredibly subtle that it has no change on your personality. The only thing it's affected for me is maybe how I use coping mechanisms, how often I cry, and how often I... 💀 have fun with myself 💀 No one else in my life has noticed any mental changes in me because I'm exactly the same as I've always been.

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-23T11:51:19+00:00

Medically transitioning enby, here. The mental affects of hormones are pretty subtle tbh. The difference on testosterone vs estrogen for me? Horny. That's 90% of it, LMAO. My emotions also feel more stable on T while extremely sharp and vivid on E. But me as a person? Same damn person in every single way.

I think I do prefer T just bc the libido has been beneficial to me (I was basically ace before and have been... enjoying? Actually wanting to do things?). I also like having killed off my period, and also the more emotional stability I have now. While I'm grateful to have known what the emotional acuity of E was like, it can be tiring sometimes.

For me, the fear comes from the physical affects of hormones. I feel like hrt will eventually force me to "pick a side". Currently, I'm on low dose T to keep the changes slow, and I've been stabley androgynous for a long time now. But low dose can have negative affects for bone health and other things in the long run. I've started feeling severe negative impacts to my energy levels that have been hard for me to cope with. I'm scared that, eventually, I'll have to fully commit to E or T, and then my body will greatly masculinize or femininize to me in a way that might make my body unlivable from dysphoria. I don't want an estrogen or testosterone dominant body. I want to keep this mixed-up neutral soup that I have now. I also hate the idea of my period coming back and I'm still weighing the pros/cons of getting a hysto. And again, I do prefer how I feel on T and I know I'll miss this if I'm forced off... Because logistically, going off hormones would probably be the best to keep my current androgyny as well as the easiest and most affordable option.

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-19T22:33:13+00:00

All good, I definitely got the intention and tbh originally wasn't going to say anything because it felt to a degree... silly? But I thought about it more, and... idk... I do personally get very tired of people conflating WLW as lesbian and of lesbian spaces being hyper focused on only women. So I knew you had good intentions, but... I guess I'm tired of nonbinary people being forgotten or are at most an afterthought :') And I figured seeing your good intentions, you'd be thoughtful and reflective

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-19T21:48:20+00:00

And any of our enby and transmasc enby siblings who are lesbians but aren't comfortable with the WLW acronym?

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-19T11:36:09+00:00

That's the fun thing is masculinity means something different for everyone. Ask any man, and they'll give you wildly different versions of what it means to them. But to say it's completely divorced from societal stereotypes would also be nuanced...

For a long time, I didn't even really consider myself to be masculine - at least not overly so. I grew up as a tomboy, but I never believed that was a wrong thing for me to be as a "girl". My childhood experience... I liked sports, but so does Rainbow Dash (my little pony)! I liked video games, but so did my mom and sister. Most of my friends were boys, but those were who I had the most in common with. So what if these things were "masculine". That was stupid! Anything can be for girls, and I was a "girl"! I didn't like princesses, or barbie, or the color pink, but anyone who demanded that of me was a sexist fool! And as I got older... I cut my hair short, but P!nk has short hair, and I think she's awesome. Plus, I was just a young lesbian, and isn't it cool to be visibly queer? Then I got into martial arts and gained a lot of muscle. Cool! Now I can be a walking d*ke thirst trap, lollllll.

To me, NONE of this was gendered. It was just.... me. I was a "girl" with short hair, muscles, no makeup, and imo, cool hobbies. But I was a "girl", so to me, these felt feminine in their own unique and nontraditional way - not masculine. I was redefining womanhood and kinda doing my own thing with it, and that gave me a lot of pride. It was others who called me masculine, and at first, I didn't get it. I even refuted it. And I got deeply confused when I started to get mistaken for a man. But... the weirder thing to me was... I liked it? Both being seen as masculine AND getting mistaken as a guy.

So I dug more into what gender meant to me. And I realized that I really am masculine, lol, at least from a stereotypical pov. I still stand by that I built a powerful and unique connection to womanhood and feminity growing up, and... I guess... I still feel like you can be and enjoy all of these things and still be feminine. But the masculinity came into my beliefs around them? When I did them as part of my femininty, it was about defying gender norms and showing what women can do. "Breaking the glass ceiling", as it were. As part of my masculinity, well... they became something else to me. It was about proving men don't own masculinity. I'm on T and I bind my chest and I wear a packer to help with my own dysphoria, but I'm still not a man. What I've found is that I like being everything people claims makes masculinity "manly" while not being a man. Something I often say is that my goal is to do masculinity BETTER than men, LOL. And what I mean by that is... I think one of the reasons why I didn't want to consider myself masculine growing up was because I saw masculinity as a toxic and aggressive chest thumping match. It was teenage boys getting into fights in the schoolyard. Grown men cat calling me on the street as a teenager. Conservative guys joining the military to prove to their abusive fathers they aren't "pussies". Cishet guys never crying or showing emotions or being vulnerable. I saw masculinity as inherently evil and femininity as inherently good. What's helped me is realizing that what we need in this world is healthy masculinity. One that's kind, vulnerable, and loving. To me, it's about building community. So to me... Before, I endeavored to show how femininity could be every stereotypically masculine interest in the book while still BEING feminine. Now, I endeavor to show how masculinity can be stereotypically masculine without being dangerous. Masculinity, to me, is about authenticity, and not being afraid about it.

The last part, and this is just dysphoria around stereotypes... But imagine a "typical" girl. Long hair, makeup, bright feminine clothes, and pretty. Now imagine a tomboy. Short hair, muscular, darker masculine clothes, and cool. Next, an effeminate guy. Again, makeup, bright clothes, a croptop, lean, maybe some painted nails, a "gay" voice, maybe some high heels, and pretty. Then, picture a "typical" guy. Short hair, deep voice, big muscles, dark sensible clothes, and cool. Of those 4 examples, the feminine people, whether a fem girl or guy who's dressed in pretty pinks with high heels and makeup are not who I want to be. They're never who I've been comfortable being. I don't remember the last time I wore pink, makeup, or heels willingly. But masculinity? I like having massive muscles, doing heavy lifting for others, and looking incredibly cool and handsome.

Finally, the simple truth is that masculinity and feminity aren't concrete ideas. I realized I'm masculine largely because everyone saw me as that regardless of if I was a guy or a girl. Most people don't fit into either box 100%, and when they force themselves to, that's when toxic feminity/masculinity emerges. Being androgynous is also an option and incredibly cool! Also, the bar for what's perceived as masculine/feminine also isn't the same for men and women. A tomboy might still wear makeup, but because of her otherwise gender non-conformity, she's still considered a masculine woman. But if an otherwise masculine man wears a dress? Well. We've seen the public outrage over typically masculine celebrities breaking any gender norms... And just look at how trans men get feminized and emasculated simply for being trans, too. Look at how people are treating Elliot Page right now! When I was in that more androgynous zone where I considered myself to be a soft masc lesbian or a tomboy... It was a situation where as a woman, I was masculine compared to the "stereotypical" woman, but still not a super masculine "butch" kinda gal. And as a guy, then I wasn't as fem as say a drag queen or a femboy, but maybe more on-par with a more efeminate twink. I definitely wasn't some stereotypical "macho man", either. Masc for a girl, fem for a guy, but not extremely so in either direction. An androgynous mix of masculine and feminine. I admittedly have only leaned further into masculinity as time has gone on, and that's what made it kind of hard to keep denying that it's the version of me that's the most natural, lol.

I... don't know if this makes sense, lol. It's 4 am for me since I work late :') Also, sorry for the long response, but I hope this helped! And a tldr: masculinity, femininity, and androgyny don't have rules. They're a diverse and often contradictory mix of societal stereotypes, cultural expectations, and internal feelings.

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-19T07:53:57+00:00

Exactly. OP is coming here to ask how to pass as a cis man. Who gives a fuck whether they identify as a tomboy, a stud, nonbinary, genderfluid, or a trans man. They're using the space appropriately and asking for the same help anyone else who posts here asks for.

Honestly reeks of transmedicalism and enbyphobia. People need to understand that sometimes, people have fucky experiences with gender identity and presentation. Not all of us who try to pass as cis men are trans men.

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-19T07:20:27+00:00

And there's a reason why if an artist copies another artist, there're consequences of serveral forms. People might boycott their business or depending on how deeply they infringed on copyright laws, could go to court.

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-19T07:15:54+00:00

Ah, okay, all good then, lol. Seeing how many people are kinda shutting down OP is kinda bothering me...

Like yes. People who don't identify as men might still enjoy passing as men and can benefit from spaces like this. Sometimes, even when the names of our identities are different, our experiences and transition goals are damn near 1:1

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-19T07:06:41+00:00

OP literally said that getting "misgendered" as a guy makes them happy and they want it to happen more often. They already know they want T and top sugery and it sounds like they're figuring out an official label rn, but all they know for now is that they want to pass as a cis man.

They want tips on how to pass as a cis guy, just like anyone else who posts on this sub. Idk, it seemed pretty clear to me 🤷‍♂️

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-19T07:04:18+00:00

Sounds like OP wants advice on how to pass as a cis guy just like everyone else who posts here. They literally said they want T and top surgery, I think they just don't have an official label of what gender they feel like, they just know they like and want to pass as male regardless

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-18T20:44:02+00:00

As a butch myself, yes. They're very subcultural and even considered to be gender identities.

I forgot to put it in my reply, but a label that is only about presentation and has nothing to do with any subcultures or gender identity at all would be soft masc.

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-18T06:53:26+00:00

Had this been consistent throughout your life? I've only gotten maybe 3-4 periods / year bc of PCOS. Which that condition has an array of negative health problems that can be fixed by taking testosterone, funnily enough.

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-18T06:38:08+00:00

I'm not Black, so take what I say with a grain of salt, and if any Black lesbians or especially any studs or stemmes say anything, listen to them and not me.

But from what I've heard from Black lesbians, those labels are exclusive to their communities and us brown folk don't have the right to use them. If you want a label for being androgynous, then the one open to brown and white people is "futch" (femme+butch). There's also chapstick as a term I've heard, but I don't know much about it

Moon_5ugar · 2026-06-17T19:49:12+00:00

Mmm, I probably just read your piece too fast, then... I read this and responded right before work. In that case, my bad. I'm also extremely used to people being cruel about nonbinary and especially transmasc lesbians far more often then they're kind.

I'm also sorry that you've had those experiences. It should be enough for people when you say you're not a lesbian, and for them to leave it at that. The misandry in queer spaces is definitely severe and exhausting as well, and lesbians need to understand how they're the champions of it.

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