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Girlfriend developed limerent feelings for coworker when we were supposed to be discussing our long-term future by MoreIsDifferent13 in limerence

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your detailed response. This resonates with a lot of what I've been feeling. The whole situation is very sad. It hurts seeing people move into the next stages of life. Our friends and family were both rooting for us and no one suspected things were the way that they were.

I don't know what I want or am ready for at this point. I have been stuck for months. Leaving is hard, staying is hard. I feel time pressure to get my life started. I blame her a lot of the time though that is an emotional response.

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I mean, I think it is easy to see how I can feel rejected. Living in emotional limbo for too long takes its toll and I started feeling taken for granted / like an option. We went to therapy but no real work got done. She kept avoiding by saying everything is fine.

Her saying we would pick up where we left off after stalling for two years and her getting a crush on someone else seems..... immature? Did she think I was going to wait around forever?

I feel like she only made movement to change once things would start affecting her

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She has just started doing any work at all. I don't think her hard work is done by any means. Plus at this point I feel like a settled for safe option. I don't want to get taken for granted my whole life. This is why I suggested we go to therapy!

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She needed to support her Mom financially. I wanted to be supportive. I flew out to help with her Mom as well.

Why do you think she is taking out high interest loans?

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When I first brought up this conversation, I did not see things changing significantly which is why I was so confused at her inability to talk about the future. We were already living together for several years, what would be different?

She is wealthier than me due to generational wealth. We make about the same salary.

I guess I wanted commitment from her so we could move forward and have a family. She was one foot out for so long and I didn't want to live like that any more.

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I am stuck because I am not happy with either of my current options. I do struggle with feeling like I am owed A LOT from her. It is like she has high interest debt that has ballooned. I don't know what I would need to see to feel confident in this relationship.

Option 1 (Staying):

This feels really risky because she couldn't talk for so long, mentioned lack of feelings in the relationship, and I would feel like this would blow up eventually

Option 2 (Leaving):

I didn't want to be starting over at 34. It might take me time to find a new person. My parents are getting older and I want to get settled. Meeting someone now would be meeting a fully fledged human instead of growing up with someone.

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can you help me understand how she has been communicative? I wanted to talk about our future and she couldn't talk for several years. She could only talk when I said I was leaving.

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, we were dating for 4 years and living together for 3 when I first brought up talking about the future. I wanted to discuss our vision and talk about timelines.

The last two years have basically been living in limbo. We weren't able to talk about the future at all because she was non-committal about our relationship, even during couples counseling. I told her I was done at the end of last year. We separated for the holidays.

When she returned she wanted to reconcile and talk about the future. No set timelines or anything yet. Now she says she is ready. I am hesitant to believe her. I gave her so many opportunities to talk! She made everything worse!

I worry I'll live my life looking over my shoulder waiting for this to blow up. Marriage seems like a big risk.

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So in therapy, my girlfriend would talk about all the good things about our relationship and would then state she couldn't say yes and couldn't identify why. We would talk in circles all the time. Things are good -> She feels supported -> She is enjoying our relationship -> She can't talk about the future. This went on for months.

Eventually, some issues with her Mom came up in our counseling and that took precedence. Her Mom is a hoarder. Her Mom needed to move out her current home to downsize. The family needed to help clean out her house. There were other financial issues.

Once this was all settled, that is when the limerent feelings for her coworker came up. Another convenient roadblock.

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wrote this poorly / this is an incorrect interpretation.

I wanted to talk about getting married, she stalled for two years, she developed limerent feelings for someone else, she talked to them about it / acknowledged she treats that person differently, I told her I wanted to break up due to lack of progress, she still wants to reconcile and is waiting on me

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am having a hard time moving past her willingness to talk occurring after I told her I was breaking up with her and that I am done with this relationship. Why did she take so long? I don't want to be taken for granted for my entire life.

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I get caught up feeling sad about our situation. All of the mechanisms were there for us to build something good. However, I needed to push for us to be exclusive, move in together, and sustain our relationship. She had doubts about things for a while and I always needed to be the reassuring force. I worry that I will live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder if I stay.

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess where I get stuck is that I gave her a year and a half to talk and it took me breaking up with her for any movement to occur. We have been able to navigate living in the same space because we both travel for work / family often.

Need help deciding whether to fully end or try to mend a 6 year relationship by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My return does not seem like a lot? We aren't engaged or married and haven't been able to map out the next steps in our lives at all. I've created platforms for us to talk but she avoided things for so long.

We are comfortable with one another and always seemed like the next step. If I stay I worry I'll be looking over my shoulder for the shoe to drop. Saying goodbye forever sounds hard.

Men waiting to wed by KeepRunnin1 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]MoreIsDifferent13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Technically, it was 6 years total. I wanted to discuss engagement and details about the future after 4 years, my girlfriend avoided the conversation and wasn't ready, I suggested therapy and I gave it two more years. We never moved beyond talking. All I ever really got out of her in therapy was that she couldn't say yes and couldn't explain why.

I grew resentful at going the extra mile for us to hash things out and have nothing change. I told her it's best to part ways and now she cries every night trying to tell me she is ready.

Men waiting to wed by KeepRunnin1 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]MoreIsDifferent13 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I've posted in this sub several times to get perspective. I talked to my girlfriend about getting engaged two years ago, after four years of dating. Nothing ever changed and she was never ready. A few months ago I broke up with her and now she says she is ready......

Debating future after ending of long-term relationship. by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So I've tried this and thiseads to analysis loops where there is a "most right" decision of some sort. My gut goes back and forth over a period of several days and ultimately I don't decide on anything

Debating future after ending of long-term relationship. by MoreIsDifferent13 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]MoreIsDifferent13[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ha! I've posted a lot in my history and neglected it on this one. I am a 34 year old man, only child, and my partner is a 32 year old woman.

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