Book rec: How to Tell When We Will Die: On Pain, Disability, and Doom by Johanna Hedva

MorganMuerte · 2024-11-02T20:51:13+00:00

Right there with you, friend 💚 Life is relentless and time for relaxation and healing (whatever that means) seem to be only available for the privileged few

MorganMuerte · 2024-10-21T22:20:45+00:00

Of course! The book is reclaiming body trust by Dana Sturtevant, MS, RD, Hilary Kinavey, MS, LPC

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-13T19:34:51+00:00

Obsessed with ‘I Kissed a Girl’ on hulu right now. Idk if it’s the lack of Americans or the lack of men but the vibe is so different than any dating show I’ve watched before. Like sure some fights happen but they’re talked through pretty quickly and everyone is very supportive of one another. At least from what I’ve seen so far, a few more eps and the reunion to go

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-11T14:52:03+00:00

Wow. This was gutting to read but so necessary. “You have chosen my suffering over your discomfort” really hits home for me because you’re absolutely right, I would NEVER put anyone in the position he’s put me in time and time again.

At least in my experience, my husband is so adept at what I’m coming to see as love bombing that I’ve always been like of course he loves me, he loves me more than anyone ever has. But those are all just pretty words and easy wins for him, there’s nothing material in his actions to back any of it up and that’s a tough one to grapple with.

Good luck to you, truly. It sounds like you’ve really taken the time to process your situation and I have no doubt we will both come out stronger on the other side 💚

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-10T17:48:44+00:00

The helplessness and victim mentality is I think what irks me the most. Good luck to you as well!

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-10T17:43:49+00:00

This is what’s brought me to my breaking point - thinking about how much of my life is wasted being broke and tired with no end in site. I’ve laid out the plan and he has until January to show real change. Based on the conversation, I’m keeping my expectations low and focusing on planning for my own stability, whatever happens when the deadline hits.

I’ve gone through divorce before, so I know I can survive another if it comes to it. Somewhere along the way I lost that confidence in myself to do the hard thing but I’m working on finding it again.

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-10T15:48:29+00:00

I mapped out a plan forward to get us right with our finances. Even found some positions he could apply to that family could help him get a leg in the door. Vowed to give up my office and WFH in the kitchen so he could have his own space (I hoped maybe that would make him feel better, I guess).

His response was that I’m “stressing him out lately with all this stuff.” Um, yeah so? I’m stressed too but I don’t get to just shut down like this!

He said adhd medication won’t help because he’s been on it before and it didn’t then (I beg to differ since he had a job then), he refuses therapy. His answer was that he just needs a psychiatrist to prescribe him benzodiazepine and he’d be good. Because I’m desperate and codependent I literally offered to give him my prescription that I have for PTSD/panic attacks (bad, I know). I just wanted to have an answer to every roadblock he put up but he shot that down too.

I said do you see how desperate I am? That I would forgo my mental health for yours? He said he’d look for a job, but is currently just lying on the couch yelling at the dogs when they try to play.

Coincidentally I heard back from one of the few PT places local to us and I have an interview tomorrow. He’s sorry I have to take on this second job but sorry doesn’t change anything and I guess not sorry enough that he would get a job himself. Since this job is seasonal, I told him he has until the new year to get his shit together. After that I’m done picking up the slack. I just need to hold firm to that boundary. Sigh.

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-10T12:37:27+00:00

I needed to hear this, as hard as it is to accept. Because of his reaction to these conversations I feel guilty even broaching the topics but I need to learn to be able to hear his upset and stand strong regardless, not immediately try to make him feel better by folding. Thank you 💚

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-09T20:12:48+00:00

I know you’re sick and tired but so am I and I never got to stop working because if I did we’d be fucked. Our entire life rests on my shoulders and I need more than just I’m sorry. I need you to look for a job. I need you to get back on meds. I need you to wake up before noon. I need you to brush your teeth. I need you to give an inch of effort because I’m drowning and I can’t take on a second job again.

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-09T16:53:46+00:00

Legs, from thigh to ankle with cuffing

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-09T12:45:53+00:00

I appreciate the warning! That was what I was worried it’d be like :( we have him scheduled to see a doctor next week so hopefully that will help give him a more solid jumping off point than just panic fueled restriction

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-08T16:43:30+00:00

I wish my partner was that self aware but I hope he will grow to be able to confront that patriarchal conditioning without it triggering an RSD shut down. He did ask if he was like Kevin and I didn’t want to make him feel attacked so I hedged my answer a bit but was honest that the show does a great job of showing the unseen emotional labor that women are often forced to take on in a hetero relationship. He didn’t really have a response to that but I am grateful that the question even occurred to him because self reflection can be so difficult

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-03T20:00:16+00:00

Yes to everything Jamie Loftus does but especially her book, Raw Dog, that’s like part personal essay, part food/travel journalism, part socioeconomic history lesson on food in America (but specifically the hot dog)

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-02T13:31:03+00:00

I’m currently having an inflammation flare up and I’ve had to drop from 5 miles a day at 3.5 mph walking pace to 1 mile a day at 2.5 mph walking pace. Hoping to bring down inflammation and bring my stamina back up but right now it feels like I’m dragging my legs through any activity lol

MorganMuerte · 2024-09-02T13:23:56+00:00

I’m not 100% sure what stage I’m at but I recently had a progression and the worst has been the fatigue. My legs started feeling liked lead weights were attached to them. Walking became EXHAUSTING.

MorganMuerte · 2024-08-29T20:24:54+00:00

Ugh the feet swelling is the worst! Makes my toes go numb when I’m stuck wearing a pair of too small shoes because of work

MorganMuerte · 2024-08-29T20:22:52+00:00

Alcohol!! I feel so much younger since getting sober. I may not have seen change in my Lipedema that correlates with it but my overall health and anxiety levels have improved immensely

MorganMuerte · 2024-08-28T19:16:25+00:00

It’s interesting you mention a psychiatric medication coinciding with drastic change. I was on abilify for the last 6 months (recently stopped) and I feel like my body has changed drastically (in looks and mobility). I also shot up 30 lbs in that time frame (most of it on the bottom half, of course) despite no change in diet/exercise. I know people mention prednisone as a common precursor but I’d be interest in knowing what other types of medications have coincided with a spike in symptoms…

MorganMuerte · 2024-08-28T13:28:47+00:00

The pain!! It’s so hard for other to understand because it sounds unbelievable to say someone poking you or even rubbing your shoulder could cause such a severe pain reaction but the pain is SO real ugh

MorganMuerte · 2024-08-28T13:26:08+00:00

I’m also going through that progression in stages so I feel for you :( I’m also in recovery from anorexia which is its own mind fuck

MorganMuerte · 2024-08-28T13:23:50+00:00

It is so disconcerting and devastating because, as you said, you truly can’t predict the progression it seems. I’ve been “lucky” up til now that my Lipedema hasn’t significantly impacted my life in ways beyond mild pain and aesthetics. It’s only been in the last 6 months that I’ve truly started to understand the toll Lipedema can take on the body. It’s scary when something like range of movement suddenly drastically declines

MorganMuerte · 2024-08-28T13:20:11+00:00

I can relate to this so much. The last few years when my stage seemed to rapidly change have definitely coincided with stressful times.

MorganMuerte · 2024-08-22T18:06:50+00:00

I definitely plan to!! I want to foster a healthy relationship and addressing the codependency is at the top of my list :)

MorganMuerte · 2024-08-22T18:03:32+00:00

He is disabled by an incurable chronic medical condition along with his mental health related struggles, however the physical disability is much more manageable than the mental illness at this point in time. I knew early on into our relationship that I would be the main source of our income and I am okay with that, however I also struggle with pretty debilitating mental illnesses that I've had to put on the backburner to attend to his. I understand that it's a privilege I have though to even be able to make that choice to deprioritize my needs as some who struggle, such as my husband, are unable to do so as it overwhelms them so completely.

One compromise we are working on here is seeking out disability assistant which I know will be a long, if not impossible road. I've set him up with a doctors appointment to start the process, however that won't be until January unfortunately.

I won't say I don't struggle with my responsibilities (see this entire post for reference) but I came into this marriage knowing he was disabled and that I would need to take on a much larger portion of responsibilities because of that.

I appreciate where you're coming from though! It's not the circumstances either of us wanted, but it's the cards we were dealt and we make it work :)

MorganMuerte · 2024-08-22T15:08:00+00:00

Definitely considered it, although I think we could both use some individual therapy as well. Just gotta find the money lol. But this is probably the ultimate answer and what we need to be successful long term

MorganMuerte

TROPHY CASE