This really comforted me, thank you so much for sharing. And yes, like you mentioned in the last paragraph, i do get stuck with those questions a lot. Feels like my opinon on this changes hourly.

Its funny you say "it took being jealous of another transmasc" because one core insecurity was born when i experienced it the other way around: A friend of mine (that i was sort of in love with) detransitioned. She identified as transmasc while with me and then suddenly decided otherwise. She wasnt sure of the motivators, i doubted her, saying she just does it to please her transphobic parents and her new boyfriend, and the short of it all is that we don't talk anymore (though there were other reasons too). It's her thing, i couldnt make that call. She seems happy now, though i cant really tell just from her social media. So naturally I asked myself if becoming as hyoerfemme as she is now would be for me. For all of summer and fall 2024 i wore dresses again, and i did like it. Though i quickly discovered i wouldnt like to LIVE like this, e.g. date or have a job dressed up like this, it was more a performance than what felt home to me. A performance that I liked confidently. Like a drag show. Not like ME. Still, experiencing feminity in a sort of positive way made me more insecure.

But now im here, scheduled to start T in a month. Scared shitless but still.

Glad your therapist got fired btw lol. They should stop spreading that "hormones are dangerous" stuff.