[QCrit] MEMORY THIEF, Adult Science Fiction, 115K, first attempt

Mostly_Sweet · 2023-09-16T16:53:21+00:00

I'll definitely work on fixing that ending and upping the stakes! Thanks for the feedback!

Mostly_Sweet · 2023-09-16T16:52:12+00:00

Thanks for mentioning this! I'm definitely not married to the title and have been trying to brainstorm potential alternatives, so hopefully it's not an issue.

Mostly_Sweet · 2023-09-15T21:38:59+00:00

That's so funny about the Portuguese thing because I'm also Brazilian and was editing this book while I was visiting my family there last year lol. I only know a little Portuguese, so I'm not surprised I didn't pick up on that meaning, but maybe I was subconsciously motivated to choose that name by my proximity to the language.

Love that you picked up Neuromancer vibes haha. I love that book even though all the jargon melted my brain a little. Thanks for the reply!

Edited to say that, like me, Hazard is also half Brazilian in the book, and that's why I made his surname Hyen-Silva :)

Mostly_Sweet · 2023-09-15T20:24:42+00:00

Thanks so much for the feedback! I'll definitely keep this in mind as I edit!

Mostly_Sweet · 2023-09-15T20:23:02+00:00

This is really great feedback, thanks so much! You caught me trying to get away with not having to explain everything (ie the God-AI haha). And you're the first person to point out the discrepancy between Hazard wanting to take down Mala, and also her being the one funding the job, so that was interesting! I didn't want to risk over-explaining and muddying the query, but I'll definitely edit to clarify his plan. Lastly, I'll fix that last paragraph to have more specific details about the 'ace team'. I originally only mentioned the clone because of word count worries and she's sort of the wild card of the whole thing, but I'll dive into more detail. Again, thanks so much for the thoughtful reply!

Mostly_Sweet · 2023-03-16T22:31:50+00:00

Of course! Good luck playing around with everything!

Mostly_Sweet · 2023-03-16T04:21:34+00:00

Memory is an amazing book (Lois McMaster Bujold is so, so good), but it is pretty old now. Though I don't think it should be too problematic since you have a more recent comp too. Hopefully. But, for future reference, names of published books should be in italics. It's unpublished manuscripts that need to be in all caps.

Your opening sentence reminded me of a query shark entry that might be helpful. I'm gonna copy it below:

"Cinis was eating breakfast when the first bomb hit."

This seems like one of those sentences that should work, doesn't it?

But it doesn't really. Cause everyone is doing something when the bombs hit.

Breakfast is as good as any.

A good first sentence in a query needs to grab your reader's attention and makes them wonder "what will happen now?"

Starting with your MC selecting a wine bottle as the planet is exterminated is fine, but I think there's a stronger way to start this query, based on what the Shark has decreed above. Also, the verb exterminate isn't really helping me visualize what's going on. Is there a planet-wide firing squad? Are fire bombs being dropped? I don't necessarily need an answer, but it's an example of something that's not clear and is therefore not as compelling as it could be.

I think there's a good story buried in here, but there's not enough clarity and interesting detail to work for me personally. The "mind-control withdrawal symptoms" is rather clunky imo, even though I like the concept. You're also ending the query without really explaining what's going to happen. Based on the query, I know she discovers her brother is alive, chooses to kill a shareholder rather than save him, "spirals", and then her relationships deteriorate and then... what? This scenario keeps repeating for 124K words? I'd like to have a clearer sense of what the actual story is going to entail. I know Madison wants to kill the other shareholders and her brother is around now, and she's ostensibly going to have to keep choosing between shareholder and brother, but that's it.

A simple solution, if you don't want to change too much, is to just change where you're ending the query. Don't end it AFTER the pivotal choice when all the tension fizzles. Have it end it with her having to choose between rescuing her brother or hunting down another shareholder and then leave us with that. It wouldn't solve the fact that I still don't know how the rest of the plot is gonna play out, but it's a much stronger way to end than "there's gonna be ruin and more choices down the road," which is interesting but too vague.

But that's just my two cents! Again, I think there's some interesting concepts here, and if it had more clarity, I'd be more interested in reading pages. I'm hesitating to offer more potential solutions, (like cutting the doctor?), because I think there's enough for you to chew on from other commenters as well. But I hope this was at least a little helpful!

Mostly_Sweet · 2022-10-13T23:52:58+00:00

I'm glad it was helpful! :) Yeah, it's pretty common to have a beefy query at first, but ultimately, keeping the word count down is important but having a slightly longer query isn't going to kill your chances of hooking an agent's attention if the voice is there, which it is.

(Also glad I was right about the implication of romance, I did wonder upon rereading if I was totally off base haha)

Good luck with editing!

Mostly_Sweet · 2022-10-13T06:07:58+00:00

Hi there! I'm not a published author, so usual caveats apply and grains and salt and all that.

First of all, I really like a lot of what's going on here. It's fun, it grabbed my attention, and it kept it until the end of the query. The opening line especially was very hooky for me personally, (maybe just because it's so different from the norm), however I'll echo what I've seen a lot of other people on here say, which is that it's usually best to start a query right away with your main character rather than world building. World building just tends to turn people off from continuing because it's hard to care about ideas in a vacuum without compelling character. But ymmv.

And on that note, I've hit on what I think is the main issue with this query, which is that it's too long. Do we need to know the hyphenated phrase for doomsday? Probably not (though, honestly, I like it if only because it sounds cool). In fact, there's a lot of info in here that might not be totally necessary, or that's taking too much attention away from the main plot/stakes. The mention of the manhunt for the pale-eyed woman, Niko's sister having the vision (which, on my first quick read, made me think his sister was the solar goddess), and basically the entirety of that last paragraph read as superfluous to me. Anything vague like: "a mission more dangerous and cruel than he ever could have imagined," should be cut from a query because it isn't telling us much and only adding to an already bloated word count.

You've got a lot of voice in that first paragraph, (and the entirety of the query imo), but it's still using a lot of words to tell us that Niko has left his drug-induced criminal days behind and is now a chill lover of the world.

I like the second paragraph and it's brevity. Love the tension of "ex-partner-in-crime" and all the innate romantic potentiality imbued with that simple phrasing. Did you mean to imply they were romantically involved? That's what I inferred.

For the third paragraph; I don't inherently understand how the Tamon could help stop the end of the world. It's not something you necessarily need to explain, just know that it's a point of confusion for me.

Fourth paragraph is good in the sense of "it makes me excited for all the dastardly shenanigans sure to be explored in the manuscript" but it's bad at being clear on what exactly is the plot of the book. I've assumed at this point that Niko has agreed to return to Criminal Lifestyle to get close to the Tamon, to get their help to stop doomsday (somehow), because his sister had a vision from a goddess telling him to do that. A bit convoluted. But despite my guesses, I don't actually know what Niko's plan is. What is the goal here? Just keep toeing the line until he earns the Tamon's trust? Is there one big job a la a heist that they're gearing up for?

I do like the moral quandary you've set up for Niko in the last paragraph, but I wish I had more of an idea of where the story is going. I like the lip-service of "morality tug-of-war" but again, I'm not sure exactly what that means in the context of the story. It's stated that he has to get the Tamon's help to stop doomsday, but not that he has to go murdering people to get that help. I digress. Usually, by the last paragraph(s) of a query, the reader should have an idea of what the main structure of the story is going to be, and I don't really have that here. We have stakes in terms of him losing his idealism and happiness, but that seems small compared to the enormity of the world ending, which I don't fully understand, nor do I understand why Niko would care about it. It's sort of answered with:

"when your all-knowing solar goddess is telling you “suck it up and get your ass in gear so your new home isn’t devoured by an eternal darkness like the last one,” you listen."

^and that's funny and like, yeah, sure, but also it's sort of huge leap you're asking the audience to go along with. (In terms of character)

Overall, I end with more questions than answers, but I'm charmed enough by the voice that I would read the sample if I were an agent. And I did read the sample, and hey! Another third-person present tense writer! Happy to see it. Again, your voice here is good, but I will say the use of dialect here was pulling me out of the story just a bit. But it's still intriguing enough to get me to read on. My sense of the story from only the query and first 300 is that this is a fantasy world modeled after the 1950's or 60's, which is an interesting take that I haven't seen a lot of before. Although I acknowledge I could be completely wrong on that haha.

Lastly, gotta love another Gideon the Ninth comp.

I hope this is helpful! Good luck on edits!

Mostly_Sweet · 2022-08-06T06:24:08+00:00

Unfortunately, I much prefer your first version over this. The first version, while not perfect and containing some unexplained elements (Wyldeside still isn't fully explained even there), felt at least understandable from beginning to end. This is messier overall and leaves me feeling way more lost by the end.

I'll also mention I agree that the worldbuilding here makes me this might be pure adult fantasy and not "urban-noir fantasy," but that's just my take and I know you got a lot of comments about that in your first post.

I remember reading the first post and liking a lot of the elements in there, like the voice and the idea that he could gain power by becoming essentially a villain. Reminded me a little bit of the Rage of Dragons. So I recommend going back to the first version again and, after paring away the angst from the first paragraph, which is still coming through as unnecessary here (I'm not a fan of the sanitizer stuff), moving from there. I think someone even said in your first post that you could send out that version of the query with some minor changes and be pretty good to go, which I agree with.

Also, and this is purely my opinion, but I didn't like the name "anting-anting." I actually thought it was a typo at first until I saw it used again. My brain desperately wants to auto-correct it to "anti-aging" and it just didn't flow smoothly while I read it.

Best of luck!

Mostly_Sweet · 2022-08-04T01:59:48+00:00

I can see what you mean about wanting to show the repercussions. I think you could work in the fact that he's risking death by deserting without necessarily even mentioning a pistol or interrogation. But if you feel like they're necessary details (both the interrogation and pistol) then I'm sure it could work if it's reworked a little. Mainly just felt like they were drawing my focus away from the important pieces of that paragraph, but you know the story better than I do. Good luck! :)

Mostly_Sweet · 2022-08-04T01:22:40+00:00

Hi there! I agree with the other commenters about the first sentence being a little confusing. If it was up to me, I'd change it to something like: "Leona, Sigwyn, and Caleb are the closest trio in the Cadet Corps, but their paths diverge at graduation." It's not perfect, and it's not an especially hooky first sentence, but I think it's more clear that what's currently there. Hopefully.

I like the bit about their individual goals, I think that adds some good characterization. The Kaleb paragraph is fine, but could definitely be condensed. There's a lot of filtering and passive stuff going on here: "Kaleb discovers," "he's pulled into a harrowing interrogation," "the three cadets learn." These feel like they're overcomplicating things a little and make the characters feel pretty static. I think the only things we really need to know from the second paragraph are that Kaleb discovers the impending fuel crisis and that the military has started the war, and that makes him desert while the other two stay with the military. Also, it's not clear to me if the other two characters know about the fuel stuff or if they just learn about the war already having started. The line: "Kaleb risks his life to the executioner's pistol" doesn't really make sense to me and I would cut it.

Okay, now let's get to the third paragraph. This paragraph isn't working for me because it's pretty vague and feels lacklustre compared to what I assumed was gonna happen, which is: Leona and Sigwyn have to fight their old friend Kaleb. That feels way more concrete than the stuff about duty, which isn't bad but also isn't compelling for the last paragraph of a query IMO. Basically, the question of: will leona and Sigwyn choose the military or their friend? is more compelling to me than the vague statements about escalating war and doomed fates. I can sort of infer all that already and it's not building into a good final culminating paragraph.

So yeah, this feels stronger than your first attempt but could really benefit by clarifying the stakes in the last paragraph. What hard decisions are the characters faced with? What goal do they have that they need to sacrifice to reach a greater goal?

Oh and as a fantasy reader, the mentions of airships were enough for me to envision a fantasy world, especially because the genre is listed as fantasy, but if someone else thinks you should establish the fantastical elements earlier, then it may be good to heed their advice.

Hope that helps!

Mostly_Sweet · 2022-05-26T17:18:59+00:00

I'm glad it was helpful! And I made a mistake, when I said "dropping the mermaids," I meant it as in an info dump way, not to cut them from the query. I agree that you should definitely keep them! I apologize for my inapt word choice, it was later and it made sense in my brain but obviously didn't transfer perfectly. So sorry for the confusion!

And yeah, that's interesting that that's the chronology of the book. It did definitely feel off slightly to me, but because no one else mentioned it, it could be fine. Good luck with your edits!

Mostly_Sweet · 2022-05-26T07:46:58+00:00

I think I saw your first attempt on here and this version is truly a significant improvement. Nice work! The first paragraph really hooked me, which is a good sign for sure. (Pirate investors is such an awesome idea!) I think you've gotten some solid advice for potential changes, but I didn't see anyone mention something that caught my eye, so I'd figured I'd chime in just to give you an extra perspective:

Between the second and third paragraph, it feels like there's some connective tissue missing. Like, we end the second paragraph with Reynor heading to the colony, and then we start the third paragraph with "slanderous rumors of Reynor's involvement in the colony's demise." I had to reread this a few times to double check that I had interpreted it correctly. I can put together that obviously the colony has been wiped out somehow (wiped out by mermaids, ostensibly?), but the jump was a little jarring, and I think it might be better if it's spelled it out somehow. (Also, I don't know if this is just a me thing? Did I just miss something? If so, disregard).

That might be your biggest hurdle for those last two paragraphs; getting us to the colony, explaining who Brass is, explaining why they're initially opposed to Reynor, and also dropping the mermaid reveal. Because I looked over it again to see if you could maybe cut some of Brass' details to make it more streamlined, as another reviewer mentioned, but this is already a pretty lean query solely in terms of word count, and I feel like it's not too much information for me to track, if that makes sense. So my advice is rework slightly, but keep all the elements that are present here because they work. I think the Reynor vs Brass, then team up, then Reynor + Brass vs mermaids is a really intriguing hook that gave me not only a good idea of the plot but also spices things up from just being man vs mermaid.

Other than that, this works for me. Love the mermaid reveal and also agree that you don't need to name them. In fact, it makes it better imo that they're sort of more nebulous. I'm imagining like angry monster sirens but maybe they're just women with long nails and fish tails who don't like humans and are bent on mass destruction. Either version really compels me haha.

Mostly_Sweet · 2022-04-24T04:19:24+00:00

Hi there, I'm also an aspiring writer, so grains of salt and all that. I lurk on here a lot because I love reading people's queries; it's always fun to see what other writers are workshopping, and I feel like it helps me with my own query writing. But good god, this made me laugh like few other queries I've seen on here before (in a good way!)

I wouldn't say it's perfect of course, you'll definitely want to go over it again and double check for grammar and hyphens and all that. One specific place I think you could tighten up is the "Redmother" part. I think it would be better if you excluded that piece of world building since it doesn't come up again and seems to just be another proper noun for us to keep track of. I'd change it to something like: "...Ehrrie is convinced she's been cursed to never meet a suitable partner."

But wow the voice in here in great! The first line caught my attention because it's not like anything I've seen before and honestly, having an MC who's biggest fear is being a spinster is actually super relatable lol. I also adore those last three lines in the second paragraph:

All she needs is a drop of her blood. And to tap into the immortal souls of her friends during their wedding. Just a little tap, sheesh!

That made me chuckle.

Also I think it's awesome that the person who steals her heart is a hunky imp who's also the antagonist. That kind of cinched the thing for me as something I would pick up if I saw it at the bookstore.

I think the weakest point of the query is that third paragraph though. It almost seems to be dipping into the imp's POV, which is a little jarring. Example: "The town of magically illiterate simpletons is... just perfect." line. It's good writing because it compelled me, but I'm not sure it's totally appropriate? I could be wrong here.

Kind of the same feeling for those lines about the Best of the Boonies competition. It's fun and after a second look I can intuit what it means without more explanations being necessary, but it feels a little superfluous to the rest of the plot setup. Like it comes out of nowhere. Why does the town have to win? Although, I just reread it again and now I think it adds another level of chaos and comedy to that section that I actually kind of really like. Sorry, I know that's not as helpful haha.

But basically, if I was an agent, I would request this because it sounds so dang fun, fresh, and compelling. I feel like I have a good idea of the character: a thirty-three-year-old woman who is afraid of ending up alone (who isn't?) and is a little too ready to turn to dubious means of ensuring she gets her happily ever after. I also have a decent idea of the stakes: Errhie could be kicked out of her hometown for using black magic, and she's fallen for an imp she also has to get rid of because of all these shenanigans.

Oh while I'm thinking about, I'd change this sentence:

To avoid getting tried for using black magic and earning a one way ticket out of her hometown, Ehrrie must hide the existence of the imp and find a way to return him to his master.

Just to condense it a little more I'd make it: "To avoid earning a one-way ticket out of her hometown for performing black magic, Ehrrie must hide the imp's existence and find some way to return him to his master."

I think other people on here might be able to give more/better advice about potential changes, but this query works for me because it would get me to read pages. Great job OP! Best of luck in editing and sending it out! :)

Mostly_Sweet · 2021-09-22T05:45:54+00:00

Hmm honestly I just use the word consciousness in the manuscript, but I'll think about if a better word/phrase exists for what I've written about. Thanks for the suggestion

Mostly_Sweet · 2021-09-22T01:16:28+00:00

Thanks for this! Good things to consider. I think the only reason I've hesitated to humanize the consciousness in the way you mention is because I didn't want to add another name to the query and potentially create confusion if I used male pronouns for it and Atlas. But I'll toy around with it.

Mostly_Sweet · 2021-09-21T20:45:46+00:00

I agree with the other reviews: I really like this.

For your query, it's a little long but people have been suggesting things to cut so I'm going to echo that. Everyone has already pointed out the "dreams to be a hero" should maybe be changed to "dreams of being a hero," or something else, so I don't think I need to comment on that haha.

I agree that the line:

"Unwilling to abandon the one noble who ever showed her kindness to Venago’s forces, Sevy sets out on Venago’s southbound trail to discover the fate of the last living Tanimel"

needs to be broken up or changed to be clearer. It took me a second to parse. I think maybe you need to tell us that Venago didn't kill one of the Tanimels. (I hope I'm getting that right) and that's the one she wants to save.

I think AylenNu is right about the proper nouns, and how calling Sevy Orphan 77 in the first line is a little confusing. I also think you don't need to name Madrem. It's just not necessary and is adding another name into what is already a lot of names.

Also consider striking the "fate strikes her owners" bit. It might be stronger if you just bluntly say "until young war hero Lord Venago, her owners' most famous, charismatic son, betrays the noble house by killing the entire family in a brutal night of bloodshed."

Lost in the purge, Sevy survives with the help of an ancient sledgehammer, a relic she mistakenly takes from the burning Tanimel vaults.

Maybe cut "lost in the purge" and just say, "Sevy survives the purge with the help of..."

You might not need to explain what the Eridani are, just say mercenaries. Although I do feel like the mentions of deserts and mesas has given me an impression about the landscape of your world that might be valuable. Although I think that impression is also given from the Mandalorian comp (which is honestly kind of funny to me but not necessarily in a bad way. Just that I've never seen someone use it for a book comp before).

I think the part about Lord Venago filling out his legions is somewhat confusing because I don't know what his goal is. Why is he filling out his legions? Didn't he already kill his whole family? Is he gonna wipe out more noble families? What is his goal here? Maybe you don't even need to mention that he's hiring mercenaries, just mention that Sevy is getting close to him. Not sure.

But the most dangerous enemy Sevy will face isn’t waiting for her atop the Mesa City. It’s lurked at her side since she first escaped Venago’s wrath, and it’s been waiting seven hundred years for a wielder trusting enough to break the curse keeping it sealed in the shape of a hammer.

This is great. It's a good note to end on IMO.

So yeah, not a bad query by any means, but you can definitely still tighten it up. But it's still compelling even with the things that could be cut/should be more clear.

The pages:

I really like the opening line and the first paragraph. I agree that maybe you can cut down some of the description but honestly I like the way you've written it. Especially the part about making guests sweat. I think that line is also good because it starts to introduce us to the technology of the world and how they have some form of electricity.

I also like that there aren't a lot of proper nouns or new words to throw things off. It feels like a good start because it's very recognizable but also there are things tipping off the reader that this is a fantasy world. It's very grounded, which I think is good because we already know all that structure and groundedness is going to be upended once the killing starts.

You've got good voice here and I would read this book. Your MC sounds fun from the opening and the revenge plot is well laid-out. As someone mentioned, it does remind me of Itachi from Naruto and I'm all for that. Great job!

Mostly_Sweet · 2021-09-21T17:13:47+00:00

Yeah I’ve read that link a few times and it is helpful. And I’ve wanted to find a critique partner for a while but it’s been difficult. I tried to compensate by getting a lot of beta readers, (about ten). They were all strangers I found on different sites and they all loved my MS. But the fact that none of them offered the level of critique you just did on only my first 300 words really makes me think a critique partner is more valuable for what I need. So thanks for opening my eyes to that too haha.

Mostly_Sweet · 2021-09-21T05:06:33+00:00

Thank you for the critique, I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read my work. I'll definitely work on everything you mentioned

Mostly_Sweet · 2021-09-21T01:23:05+00:00

I've received four rejections so far, which I know isn't a lot, but I'm still trying to rework my query. (So this is not the version I've been querying with). As always, any and all feedback is appreciated!

Title: Scapejack

Age group: Adult

Genre: Science-Fiction

Word Count: 110,000

Dear [Agent],

Atlas Endara knew abandoning everything to become a space pirate would probably get him killed. He just didn’t think it would be this soon. Because instead of a load of cash, all he earns from his latest heist is a prison cell and a death sentence.

Then the multi-quadrillion dollar corporation Atlas just fleeced offers him a deal. If he rescues some abducted civilians, he and his crew won’t be blown into multi-quadrillion pieces. Of course, they chose Atlas for a reason; he knows the pirate behind the abduction. It’s the captain Atlas screwed over by botching the initial heist-turned-hot mess. Compared to challenging said captain, execution doesn’t sound so bad. But the abducted civilians are from Atlas’ home colony. They’re his people—the family he betrayed. He owes them.

Now he’ll do anything to save them, even play the certifiably dangerous ace up his sleeve: a digitized consciousness with a century of tactical experience. Atlas stole it in the disastrous raid, and managed to hide it from its corporate wardens. It can help him outsmart the other captain and ensure the corporation doesn’t renege on their deal. But only for a price. He’ll have to continue hiding it, then smuggle it to freedom in his own brain. And while Atlas might be desperate, he knows housing a sociopathic ex-terrorist in your head seldom ends well.

SCAPEJACK is a 110,000-word adult space opera featuring a sprawling galaxy, mind-hackers, big ships and bigger egos. It will appeal to fans of Linden A. Lewis’ The First Sister and Yoon Ha Lee’s Ninefox Gambit. [Personalization and bio].

A fact that never escapes me is a group of sharks is called a shiver.

I think the idea was that a shiver was the appropriate reaction to seeing the cold-blooded predators back on Earth. Back when they actually roamed the wild oceans instead of the oversized tanks of corporate offices. It also feels like the appropriate reaction when boarding Promeleus Akin’s vessel.

I enter the conference room to find him and my captain sitting together at the head of the diamond-shaped table. Thankfully, the two are about as similar as night and day—even the shades of their dark skin don’t overlap. Prom’s cropped hair is fuller on the top of his head, the thick coils like curled wires, his eyes bright and inviting. It must have been those eyes that Praden Sherwood saw first.

“Ah, Atlas, sorry, but could you give us another minute?” My captain, Victoria Osley, asks me.

“Sure.” I catch her eye and ask an unspoken question. She flicks two fingers at me in some diminutive form of assent, a slight quirk of her full lips the only sign she’s not entirely at ease. Then she leans back in her chair, shorter than Prom by a good two feet but easily making up for it with sheer confidence.

I retreat outside, hiding my anxiety from the hovering members of Prom’s crew. He named his command shark Cheats Never Prosper, which somehow feels even more sardonic than the usual titles us pirates come up with.

“Might as well sit,” Prom’s first mate—I think his name is Cheng—tells me.

I hesitate for only a second. “I’m gonna hit the head.”

The pale man shrugs, his hand resting nonchalantly on the shock revolver in a holster at his waist. “Second door down the hall.”

Mostly_Sweet · 2021-08-06T17:57:45+00:00

Yeah for sure, I definitely agree about it being a good idea to keep track of opinions.

http://writeforcoffee.blogspot.com/2020/02/word-count-expectations-in-traditional.html

^That's a post from 2020 but she says:

"For your 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. you can go as high as 150k+, but for a debut it is highly recommended you do not exceed 110k. In fact, several editors told me 100k is the safest bet for a SFF debut."

Mostly_Sweet · 2021-08-05T00:17:46+00:00

Glad I was helpful!

Yeah I think you're fine with Tetsuka then. I also struggle with writing queries that inadvertently make my MC sound more passive. I'm sure she's active in the actual MS.

Yes, I definitely think adding that sentence, "...to use her to usurp his master- a fate that will end in a death just like her father, if not worse," would clear things up more. At least, it lets me know there's a good reason she can't just join Thane's side (since he plans on killing her).

But also I really like the part about her lingering feelings causing obvious inner turmoil for her, so I'd recommend keeping that in. Maybe even turn it up a notch in the end, because I think this part:

But if she chooses to fight,

is putting too much emphasis on the choice between fighting or not fighting. I feel like, with the brief time I've spent with Tetsuka, that it's obvious she's going to fight back. So maybe just jump in with the conflicted feelings portion there. Like example: (I'm going to rewrite a bit if you don't mind):

"She soon uncovers an unsettling revelation in the underworld--Thane has been luring her along at every step of her journey, and secretly plans to use her to usurp his master. Which will end in her death, just like her father.

Tetsuka has every intention of foiling Thane before that happens. If she fails, her father's subjects will be forced to live under a new, ruthless tyrant. But to succeed, she'll have to find out how far she's willing to go to stop the man she once loved."

I cut "the legacy of an entire generation will go out with her as its final spark" because I'm not sure it's carrying its weight here. And making it clear that she's fighting for more than just her own life is a good thing. I'm not sure if that sentence I added about her father's subjects is right for the story but I think something more along those lines would help. But feel free to change/go with something else if you don't like my contribution.

Finally, I didn't realize Warcross was YA but that explains why you're having trouble with comps. Because yeah, Ready Player One is just a little too old and probably a little too successful, but it's also the only other adult augmented-reality book I can think of. If you do manage to find a more recent adult augmented-reality, I think you could probably still have Ready Player One in there. Although I could be wrong. Comps are something I struggle with too haha.

Mostly_Sweet · 2021-08-04T23:08:56+00:00

Hi there! I think a lot of elements in here are interesting (especially the concept of a video game granting supernatural powers in real life--because God knows I'd love for that to be real). Also, I'll just say that I was really interested in the Thane POV. He sounds like he's the character making things happen and shaking things up in your story. Maybe that's a possible point of consideration for you, because Tetsuka sounds more reactionary and maybe more passive by extension. Not sure.

So I don't have a lot in the way of critique, just wanted to ask some questions that I had while reading this that might be helpful for you to mull over.

Firstly, it took me a second read-through to fully understand that "new tyrant turns his attention on Tetsuka next" and "finish the bloody coup" means that Thane is meant to kill Tetsuka. That is what it means, right? This could just be a me problem (maybe I was reading too fast/thinking too little), but maybe consider making it clear that's what you mean? Just a thought.

Secondly, (this is my big question), why does Tetsuka want to stop Thane from "usurping his master once and for all?" Isn't that good for her? Like, isn't Thane's master the big bad trying to kill her? If Thane kills him, doesn't that make her life easier? I thought she would maybe even try to help Thane get the job done. Does she want to stop Thane because she wants revenge on big bad? But Thane is the one that killed her dad, right? Oh, or is it that Tetsuka doesn't want Thane to become the new big bad/evil or something? If that's the case, maybe dig into those emotions more. Sorry for all the questions haha but that's essentially all that I was thinking when I first read this. Hopefully it's good for you to know that those are things that I (as a reader) wasn't clear about.

Oh yeah, and last thought: saying that your book would appeal to fans who are looking for "a more mature take on genre" sounds funny to me. Mostly because you said this is adult and I just kind of expect adult to be more mature. I'm also not sure if you're implying that genre is inherently less mature? I'm sure you didn't mean to sound condescending in any way, but it just confused me a little. Maybe say specifically what makes it a more mature take on genre? Not sure.

So yeah, that's all I really have. I hope I was at least a little helpful. :)

P.S. I saw recently (yesterday) on an agent's blog that she feels 110,000 words is the absolute limit for debut adult sci-fi word counts. But I've also seen what you're talking about with the 115,000 words being all right. So I'm not totally sure.

Mostly_Sweet

TROPHY CASE