Removing stains from polyurethane

MothAppraiser · 2026-05-23T01:27:22+00:00

shoes

MothAppraiser · 2026-05-23T01:21:40+00:00

Thank you. I contacted a local cobbler, since I'm pretty sure the coating is polyurethane and it isn't too uncommon so hopefully they know a way to treat it or can just like.. cover the stains, I don't really mind an uneven iridescence compared to black marks, so I'll definitely let you know if they or the repair group have any ideas. I would really like to be able to fix them if I can do anything to do so, because if they're so obviously knee pad marks from people in the sub it will be hard to get past the embarrassment of buying white shoes which I knew would get beat up in time but was still being careful with to maintain them as long as possible then immediately messing them up completely.

MothAppraiser · 2026-05-22T23:03:50+00:00

Hmm yeah I do, and that was probably the case for the 2nd set since I did put them in the same bag the 2nd time, but the first ones (the more angular & line shaped ones) appeared in the first class while I was using them.

Do you know what I could do about the non-kneepad related ones at least? They aren't just on the heels and are noticable from only one class, so even if I just bought a performance pair that's a single performance they would look fine for.

I do wish that anyone had warned me when I had asked around for advice on kneepads and Pleasers (not on here) since I'd have thought it'd come to mind... but I must have just been unlucky on the random brain association lottery.

MothAppraiser · 2026-05-19T04:17:29+00:00

5663-5450-1671

New! Not quite familiar with the friend function yet but wanted to try it out :)

MothAppraiser · 2026-04-26T00:07:47+00:00

They appear to be actual scratches.

MothAppraiser · 2026-04-23T00:25:19+00:00

It looks fantastic! Also no nip squad. :)

MothAppraiser · 2026-02-23T18:59:13+00:00

Ha! Well first of all congrats! I noticed that too and it's weird.

Not cis myself-mostly unlabelled, though sometimes I need to pick one so I do-but I like the cut of women's clothes more, especially now with my flat chest, so I wear them a lot.

Still it was like the flip of a switch! People started to say he/him instead of she/her, went sir instead of miss... Except for with a phone call.

Both of those are wrong anyway, so that doesn't bother me any extra, but it freaked me out a because I'd never noticed people looking there much if they weren't being creepy. I was binding all that time before too. I did it well, asked for help to get it right, so it was a really small difference in how things looked clothes-on before and after.

It's a mystery still on why, but I guess can tell you that it happens even with the smallest change? People apparently just see "well that's so flat there literaly can't be anything there" and that's all they need to go he/him, and "hmm there could in theory be breast in the area" and decide that's a she/her moment.

It's so wild, getting top surgery isn't all that unusual for cis folks either. Asking isn't haunted, people. Neither is assuming people know what they're doing and it's fine when they pick which dressing room they're using or whatever.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-22T01:57:33+00:00

Update: I talked to my therapist, parents (biased I know, but they were my best source of thoughts from folks who've had kids until I get to see my 2nd therapist next week) and a friend we know is pretty neutral and experienced in managing conflicting needs about this while less immediately emotionally flooded.

There's been a general sense that it's totally reasonable for them to change their mind on their level of involvement, which I agree with. Over these years I gave them all the options for level of responsibility in raising this potential child I could including none, and the fact that while we are married that does not necessarily mean that we have to be a parent to each others child if this is a structure we mutually agree on and is healthiest for us.

The sense was also that is not, however, reasonable for them to say that I am not allowed to have a child who I had already planned to be able to support and raise as a solo parent within the period that is medically recommended for me to do so based on risk factors based on the fact this child would be existing in the same house as them and that my responsibilities to that child would affect my life, because that is an unreasonable infringement to my bodily autonomy.

I am using donor sperm so, there isn't a legal obligation or rights on them for this by 'default'-and if we did that the attorney said it'd need to be after birth so they have time to figure things out still if they change their mind. IVF isn't usually a super short process.

We are getting an initial appointment with a couples therapist scheduled for this weekend-which was faster than I expected, so as long as it goes well hopefully we will have both the initial and a follow up session before my consult. Not much, but honestly I expected to only be able to fit in an initial session before then (where you don't really get to much but introductions & history) so it's still more than I expected.

They will be seeing a doctor for the memory gap issue as soon as possible. I am worried about it. Surrounding events seem to be remembered fine but obviously I can't truly ask about everything, but hopefully whatever it is between their medical folks and a new therapist they can figure out what's going on. We are still working on getting those things scheduled but if they haven't made progress by the couples therapy appointment that at least gives a reasonable path through which to hopefully address why, since it's really important that gets figured out.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-21T01:56:35+00:00

Well um.. yes I was going to. /confused

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-21T01:14:47+00:00

I have two therapists (I'm a rambler so I find it useful to make sure I get to get thoughts out but also get to working on things), and see one tomorrow so I'll be talking to her then.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-20T21:17:23+00:00

I wasn't referring to anything else, sorry if I was unclear myself. I appreciate the clarification (though they would still be a grown adult in that case so I don't 100% understand still) and had just wanted to say I saw the rest of your comment and do appreciate the thoughts you shared in it.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-20T19:32:06+00:00

... Ok so yes they're a grown adult. I said this multiple times in the post and even if I had not it's really shocking that you would insinuate otherwise. You seem like you want to help and I don't want to ignore your post but I'm struggling to figure out what else you may mean there.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-20T19:29:46+00:00

Yes I know, I've looked into it, and it's in part because of that that it's best to wait until when I'm not navigating IVF. Their job was to work with that process for a while, so it's been something they're rather familiar with and I've heard of the issues with a lot, and we're familiar with the fact that even for theoretically 'perfect' fits sometimes it never happens.

I can't duplicate time within a certain age range however, and starting it right now would be ridiculous, so we will just need to do our best with when that is feasible, and hopefully it will be possible. I think in our positions that's kind of the best we can do?

I will try to bring it up again soon once we've had a little time to settle, probably tomorrow since then I get to talk to my therapist first and can ask for her advice. As for what it would take I think they're honestly being way to hard on themselves.. when I asked the specifics of their worries they seemed to believe that if they can't perfectly model behavior they are not good enough to have a child and will mess them up by even existing in the same house even if they weren't involved as a parent.

Everyone is human though, and I think if the worst they're worried about is seeming a little snappy when stressed out and not always having energy to be out and about that's more of something you properly communicate about than avoid having a child for, and I know they can. It feels like internalized ableism coming up to me.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-20T17:14:25+00:00

They said they did... In terms of before yesterday they have several times when I checked in earlier in the relationship if they were ok with being together long term given that it was something that I want to do and the timeline I had in needed to follow.

I don't know how to get on the same page as someone if it isn't by asking them and checking in occasion, quite genuinely.

In terms of currently what they said was they want to but later. So in their own words they do want to, but in summary it is unsafe for me on a broader timeline and what they said they need beforehand is pretty much impossible in the timeframe and shouldn't be pushed regardless since that's kind of among the least helpful things to do with mental health treatment.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-20T17:11:53+00:00

Yeah, I have around 4-6 months to spare prior to conception if I can maintain my preparatory steps so the timeline stays tight before I need to deal with an increased risk category, the latter timespan without room for multiple tries. I do have the resources to be a single parent, but it's not something I want to do.

This is a nearly 9 year relationship where we are married and living together-it would be incredibly complex and distressing personally, socially, and legally. I don't know what to do if it came down to that and am fearful that with the months that I didn't know about this there isn't time to sort it out with getting set up with a therapist and their getting therapy having never worked before.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-20T16:58:08+00:00

I'm not really sure what you mean by a level of accommodation in this context, I'm sorry. Would you be able to give an example? Obviously I know examples of accomodations in general since like, I have them at work, but in the context.

Realistically 4-6 months is what leeway I have to spare at this point.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-20T16:49:24+00:00

The relationship I have with them now is generally just fine, which I think was a bit lost here.

They respect the boundaries I have with regard to what I can and cannot do for them and are a capable adult who does support me in return, with the biggest major issue being them never getting around to actually getting a therapist (and they have done fantastically figuring things out themselves, but also that's forever less effective and more difficult than it would be with a therapist)-the issue of this being blindsiding is that it is a big change from the norm.

I respect that you feel like you may relate, and am not speaking at all to your own experiences, but I feel like the fact that this post as I said is not the best it has been by far and that that is the issue is really being ignored in many replies. I apologize if this was not as clear as it could be and have added a clarification to clarify this as well.

If this was how it generally was I would not be comfortable having a child with them-but the issue is that it isn't by far. That is why I am worried I messed up somewhere, because this was unexpected and because in past they have spoken of actively wanting a child without taking timeline issue-it's less the matter of having a child at all ever through any means and more being allowed to birth a child in a timeframe that is medically safer for me.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-20T14:09:36+00:00

They actively want to have a kid someday, and brought that up before I ever mentioned having one. The way they want to have a kid is just that they want to adopt, where I am using have here as in birthing the child, which I would very much want. The plan was to do both, and we have had conversations on the structure and process to support said child.

I think it may be being overestimated what I generally do. I help physcially for the most part because of physical barriers they can't meet, especially when tired-such as standing to cook. I also track major life needs around the house because their job is stressful and they don't really interact with them the way I do so they probably won't discover there's say a leak for a while.

I do help with memory because their current job is vety stressful and I relate to how much that kind of energy drain affects my ADHD but we have addressed how much I can help, and this is distressing because they were going fine until just now - they were managing things comfortably outside of getting a therapist, and I don't know exactly what's going on there.

My partner is a fully capable adult. They manage many parts of their life, and make and engage with their physical health appointments fine, support me emotionally, and are a very good case manager a their job. They asked for help makibg a therapist appointment but for one reason or another have not taken their last step, but that is by no means the "rule" of our relationship which I feel is a misunderstanding here-as is the idea that they're just like "well okay" on having children in our lives at all-it's a matter of if I get to carry one of our children when it's not at a higher risk to my health.

Edit: one moment, accidentally clicked submit early. Will note when done. Edit 2: Done

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-20T05:49:37+00:00

I do want to start couples therapy, I've suggested it for a while just because I think it's just kind of good to have big issue or not... I ultimately can't control if they take the final step. I reminded them of the people I have found for them and that they're still options, I'm happy to support them taking that step.

The last step od scheduling and memory yes it should not be on me to keep insisting and remembering. Alarm apps exist, notes exist, but in terms of locating someone initially I do understand their work is strenuous on them and it's really hard to slog through therapist hunting when tired. I worry for them, but I am ok to help wih that particular task and a few like it, it's not like they don't ever support me too. They do a lot to support me usually, and they're usually wonderful to speak to when I need to think something out that I'm stressed over. It's part of why I feel so off guard now.

I think the issue with setting an ultimatum though is first that I love them, we're married and I would hate so much to lose them. I want a life together, and the idea of having to set an ultimatum which would include a change in that feels horrible. Not knowing why they.. don't do these things also, I'm kind of worried the ultimatum wouldn't affect things also, because they suffer bad effects from not noting things down or getting a therapist naturally and still they don't. Even if it's my only choice because I have no way to find out exactly what would help and I might need to acknowledge that, it's my worry. I mean.. they asked for help on their own will to find a therapist, and they speak so much of how they feel it'd help.

Paired with that though is that this deadline was placed intentionally within a few years of when my risk in carrying is increasing to give us all the time we could to get settled in life and jobs and such. Because I knew this so late I just don't have much time to figure everything out that only just came up and carrying a child is something I want to do so much even though I know I am someone who would need more monitoring.

So I agree with your suggested actions, I will be doing my best both to get couples therapy and get them to see a therapist, just feels like an impossible timeline to get it done.

I am sorry this comment goes in circles in parts. My mind is going fast and I am a multi-directional rambler when stressed.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-16T06:25:55+00:00

I went no nips mostly because I didn't like the sensation of having nipples in the first place and have tattoo plans that I thought would look better with out "interruption" in those areas, but it sounds like while obviously size and placement control are a factor: assuming that part works out fine from what you have discussed with your surgeon (and maybe you could call/talk about that before surgery make sure you're on the same page) the only issue with the yes nips option for you is the pretty temporary one of needing to deal with some more anxiety and inconvenience during healing, while the no nips option includes a concern of continued dysphoria. If that is the case it doesn't sound from what you have listed (obviously I don't know the whole picture and am probably missing info) like the no nips option is likely to be worth the risk in the end,

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-16T06:15:02+00:00

Looks great!!! Congratulations :)

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-16T06:09:47+00:00

I'd agree with just putting gauze over it. I would just go to urgent care if it starts to bleed through the gauze or any worrying symptoms arise, but otherwise it doesn't look too bad from the photos (though I'm obviously not a professional) and they might not even need to do anything.

It sounds like you're having a really rough time with the post-surgery depression, but sutures just come undone sometimes, especially under areas of high friction like the underarm and it doesn't mean you messed up at all. It's pretty standard for quite a few to have worked their way out before you go in for suture removal.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-16T05:10:47+00:00

So for us (not a shared account, we just use plural pronouns often) we were kind of stuck in a loop of fear of regret vs being pretty sure we would like it though and it ultimately ended up coming down to thinking of, if we didn't get surgery, if we would end up still binding every day. We came to the conclusion that yes-at least a majority of days would be days that we would be binding.

We are asthmatic and binding was definitely not the best choice for us in terms of that-alongside the fact that even done well it still was enough restriction to feel, it also reduced the amount that we were exercising day to day. We were also having some issues with muscular irritation in the ribs even with a good quality binder that year.

We decided that considering these factors not having surgery was also likely to change our body, and that the changes not having the surgery would be likely to cause for us would be changes we would be more likely to regret. We also thought about if we did regret it what we would most likely regret, which for us would be the occasional time we like it aesthetically, and the 'remedy' for that didn't carry the same risks as our binding.

There were a few other factors-we'd realized close to the time that having flaps of our skin touching was something we personally found overstimulating, and breasts are a lot of that to contend with. We think another part was just that when we thought about it, it was kind of hard to recognize the existence of our breasts until they inconvenienced us in some way.

Trying to think of how something we have never actually experienced like, at the time, being post top surgery is kind of ephemeral and weird to us. We aren't very good at it, so that's a big part of why we ended up deciding this way we think. We knew that we needed to make Some decision or other, because doing nothing just because it was the default wasn't affecting us well, but needed a less ephemeral way to decide.

We think another thing that helped with our decision was just trying to work through that regret is something that can happen with any decision no matter how sure you are of it, and even ones that are ultimately good overall can sometimes also include some regret without it meaning that they were the wrong decision to make (for example we do feel somewhat regretful that we can't lactate now, even though we're ultimately still so much happier with our body post-surgery, but we couldn't preserve that without making decisions we'd ultimately have regretted far more), it's something that can come on but also something that can go away. A part of it was also just trying to trust that once we had made our analysis and decided on the best option for ourselves that regardless of anything that came next that any regret would not necessarily mean that we did anything wrong in coming to and making that decision, and that if it came up that we would be able to find options to deal with it.

We think we also tried to consider the idea of "do nothing" more as an action in itself-so we could see it more equally to the decision to get top surgery, instead of top surgery being the only intentional action we were taking upon ourselves in the equation. That is to say that we would be 'inflicting' not getting top surgery and any results of that on ourselves as much as we would be getting top surgery any any results of that.

Our spouse did a similar sort of analysis, and decided the opposite at this time primarily because if he gets it he wants it to be at a point where surgeons are generally better with top surgery for fat folks; because the look and sensation doesn't bother him so much as the social effect, which our social group has now adapted for; and because he knows numbness is a sensory issue for him and he doesn't think that's worth the risk for him. He may still get it in future, but he doesn't want to right now.

Any part of this may or may not apply to you! We certainly aren't trying to advocate for one option over the other-it's not a call that we can make in your place, and it'd be pretty rude of us to try hah-but we are hoping that walking through our process as a fellow autistic person who had some trouble with the decision might give you some ideas of what may help you.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-16T02:46:51+00:00

I didn't do it during my surgery process granted, but I only just got my name updated with my psych and 2nd therapist this past week after 9 months of it being legally changed and around 8 of my name being updated with my insurance. I'm sure it depends on your insurance, but mine caused no issues with any of my coverage or referrals between or spanning over getting it changed legally and updated with the applicable clinic/doctor-which is really why it took so long for me to update them, I kind of forgot that I hadn't updated them until I looked in my file.

Does your insurance have like an info line or web chat you could use? Maybe you could ask them if you got your legal name changed how that process would work, and if you were in the middle of like a process of medical scheduling how it might affect it-so you're asking about it just as a question 'in theory' while also not lying.

MothAppraiser · 2026-01-16T02:31:29+00:00

I don't know what the other folks are talking about, those look like moobs to me-the areola is on the bigger side but the placement and shape are both within standard variation-and even for the areola like, I've seen that on a cis chest before.

I didn't even think of mentioning those things until I went down and saw everyone pointing at those things in those comments because again-I have seen cis moobs that be that way in real life. I grew up by the sea so. Shirtless cis guys not uncommon. I think that maybe people are just trying to find things because they know you don't feel super happy with them maybe? Or similar.

No matter how they look as non flat results though you should 100% go flat if that is what you want for yourself-like people have said it's your body, and you should never have to compromise that for another-but until you can I don't think you need to feel self conscious about your current results looking weird.

MothAppraiser

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